Men staying on the ward?

[DogsAndGin]

I just visited my friend who gave birth in the hospital I intend to give birth in. She had an ELCS, as I will be - so she stayed overnight, as I will be.

I was shocked to learn that on the ward were four ladies, two of which had their male partners stay all night! She said the midwives didn’t care, and didn’t ask them to
leave, and they also didn’t care about them watching TV on full volume and playing videos on their phones into the early hours!

The hospital’s website says all visitors must leave at night and cannot stay overnight - but this is obviously not enforced.

I really don’t want to be staying in a room at night with strange men present, as I wouldn’t feel safe. Has anyone come up against this problem and how did you manage to deal with it? Thank you x

But it isn't "wanting them for support" it's "needing them to care for the baby because you aren't capable". I wish some men weren't inconsiderate, but why is that more important than the mum's who can't look after their baby?

For me, being separated by half a thin curtain while bleeding everywhere and establishing feeding, not wanting to leave the baby to nip to the loo with loads of strange men milling round, wanting to sleep without blokes pissing about on YouTube at 3am
Its not acceptable to have any of this with strange women let alone men. I don’t want to try and establish feeding with another women peering in, but it seems perfectly acceptable here? As long as they don’t have a penis it’s fine for them to be judging me trying to feed or see blood dripping down my legs. No, I want fucking privacy.

The women on my ward were absolute dickheads with their phones, FaceTiming on speakerphone all fucking day and night, videos on speaker all day, trying to chat when I didn’t want to. I requested a spare room for the safety of the other women as if I had to deal with one more night of utter cuntish behaviour from the women i was in the ward with I would have killed them.

@Soubriquet it’s really not for ‘support.’ It’s literally to have someone helping you constantly as the midwives aren’t able too.

@roarfeckingroarr but there aren’t enough individual rooms or enough midwives to care for women who have had serious complications. Imagine if you had been through a serious medical emergency during your birth (or in my case three medical emergencies) and then you are left alone to care for a tiny baby despite being incredibly weak yourself. A tiny baby that cries for 12 hours and you desperately try to keep them quiet by breast feeding and rocking them despite the fact you’re so weak that you fear that you are going to pass out and drop your precious baby. Imagine being stuck out in a drafty corridor in your dressing gown, knowing that you are going to shit yourself but the only option is a public toilet that you can’t fit your baby’s
crib into so you just shit yourself. Your experience sounds lovely but it isn’t everyone’s.

Men could stay on the ward 23 years ago, nothing new. Many women say they need their partner to help, bond etc.

Yep exactly this. I’m not sure why some people are acting as if ALL women are so considerate and just focus on themselves and their baby. Within two years I’ve been on the postnatal ward twice at different hospital. Most of the women have actually been the ones to be inconsiderate with the loud phone calls and arguing with partners. I haven’t even realised most men being there other than hearing them speak with their partners. I had to keep closing my blind and eventually tell a woman to stop looking into my space because one nosy woman didn’t have better things to do.

In an ideal world, everyone’s in a private room. But this isn’t an ideal world. Everyone’s just struggling by and we should be able to do that with the help of our partners/husbands

I had 3 relatively straightforward births where DH did not stay overnight, and honestly I didn’t want him staying over either. Post natal wards are hard enough as it is, and I didn’t feel I needed him with me the whole time. I cried to be discharged after my 3rd as visiting was an all day affair and another set of visitors who had brought 2 young children just let them run amok round the ward and they were playing boo loudly with my curtain whilst I was trying to breastfeed my baby.

I then lost my son and was in the bereavement suite which is a private room, and while DH had the option to stay with me overnight he couldn’t as he had to go back to our other children.

My last birth was twins and via c section and I was pretty unwell after as I had a reaction to medication. I had prepared myself for being alone overnight with the twins but the midwife told DH he should stay as I would clearly need his help with breastfeeding and changing etc. Luckily I only needed the one nights stay and was allowed home the next day. The lady opposite also had her partner staying over, he was shouted at twice by the midwife for sleeping in the bed while mum was relegated to the chair! Poor woman.

I can completely understand why lots of women don’t want men staying overnight on post natal wards. The wards are not set up for any sort of privacy, and some people are so wrapped up in just having had a baby that they just aren’t very considerate of others at all. I think it might be due to the sort of view your not sick, only had a baby etc that they just aren’t respectful like they would be otherwise on any other sort of ward.

It is my personal view that partners/visitors should not be staying overnight except for cases of exceptional circumstance. I also think that there should be an enforced period of say 3/4 hours where no visitors are allowed so that people can attempt to rest and recover. I also do not for life of me understand why earphones are not mandatory for the use of TV/phones etc.

I gave birth shortly before 1am. I was moved onto the ward around 1.30/2ish (it was all a bit of a blur tbh). Are you saying dh should have been sent home immediately after I pushed ds out because it was outside of visiting hours?
i can’t imagine any man, having just watched his partner push their child out of their vagina, has any inclination to attack another new mother on an open ward in hospital.

I agree that generally they shouldn't stay but I do have sympathy for women who need them. I had DD2 recently and had to stay in a few nights. I was fine to look after her but there was a woman brought in one afternoon who had had a c section and obviously was not feeling great. She was dizzy, faint, vomiting, unable to move etc. During the afternoon, her DH did all care for her (getting her water, sick bowls etc) and the baby (nappy changes, making formula, feeding) as she couldn't even hold her/him. He had to leave in the evening and she couldn't do anything, was constantly ringing the buzzer which then wasn't answered for ages, and she ended up being sick all over herself and the bed. IMO it's insane to leave a woman in that state in charge of the care of a newborn.

@DogsAndGin Men?!? You mean father, of the baby… also staying on the ward… with the mother of the baby… They are post natal wards, not necessarily women only wards… thankfully. My partner was allowed to stay with me the entirety of my stay with tiny first (less than 15 hours) but had to leave almost straight away with our second (over 24 hours) with Covid restrictions… it puts an enormous amount of pressure on the midwives whose time can be spent better when there’s no partner to support those who’ve just given birth, with things like drinks, toilet visits, picking up baby to feed… all things the father or partner can assist with. You will have your own curtained off section, maybe a room if you’re lucky… if any man where to encroach on your personal space then that’s an issue of course… but let’s remember that they aren’t random men… they are the fathers of these babies!!!

I had an emergency c-section with one of mine. A classical incision, straight down my abdomen, in one of the busiest hospitals in the country. I barely even spoke to a midwife on my postnatal stay other than for medication. If my husband hadn't stayed I don't know what i would've done, I couldn't move. I understand how you feel, but the wellbeing of all women should be considered. If there was better postnatal care or private rooms, there wouldn't be these issues. Also not all of us have a female companion available to help. I think the system is broken in the uk. Postnatal care has been awful for all of my births.

My boyfriend stayed with me in the ward when our DD was born. We had the curtain closed the whole time and he stayed behind it, only leaving to go to the loo. I had an awful labour and ended up having an emergency C-section and hemorrhaged after. There is no way I could have coped without him there, I was so out of it and weak that couldn’t even pick her up.
I don’t understand why women have a problem with it, these men are just there to be with their partner and baby and have every right to be.

I wouldn't be worried but the curtain pulling happened to me too which always made me feel uncomfortable when the ward was full.
Husbands staying would only really annoy me if it meant they kept me awake all night because they were talking.I had an emergency csection I couldn't even lift my baby or get out/down from the very high bed (why are the beds so high?) so it would have helped to have my husband there during the night to lift the baby or when I needed food and water -I actually collapsed on the ward due to dehydration, however there were very strict visiting times and so he wasn't allowed to. The second time I had my own room - again husband stayed as late as he was allowed then went home.

Either way there needs to be more staffing. Either to support women so no one needs a partner there just to manage the basics of newborn care while they recover themselves, or so there are enough staff to feel confident / backed up enough to tell those men who are being obnoxious/annoying/abusive to stop or leave.

Having worked on a maternity ward, our policy was to kick all visitors out after 8pm, male, female, whatever. If you weren't pregnant or had just had a baby, you had to leave. I'm surprised any hospital allows partners to stay overnight, unless there are extenuating circumstances, and I'd expect them to be given a side room.

Having said that, you're being unreasonable to assume that the men in the room are unsafe to be around.

Quite apart from the safety angle, it's undignified. We generally don't allow men into female toilets, so why should strange men be allowed to stay overnight in an open ward where intimate things are happening?

I'd be annoyed about ANY visitor staying overnight if they behaved in a disrespectful manner btw.

Post natal wards are for women who have just given birth, not overnighting men. I'd be complaining. Ask for a private room if you really can't manage without them. It's not even about feeling 'unsafe' for me. Its about men once again invading women's spaces - vulnerable, emotional, exhausted women usually.

As a society we have allowed this. My first baby was born in 1986. I had to stay in hospital for 4 days with 3 other women following a normal VB. Visiting hours were strongly enforced and there was no TV in the room (obviously no mobile phones then either). There was also an enforced rest period after the doctors rounds and before visitors, which was really helpful.

All nappies and clothes were provided for the baby and we were taught how to bathe them and how to do up the terry nappies. One at a time we went through the 3 day baby blues and supported each other.

There were enough staff around so that when you pressed your buzzer they would come, and if that meant coming in and out of the room every 5 minutes that's what they did. If you needed help to latch the baby, or help to shower there was somebody available.

I don't know when it changed so that you needed a Degree to be a nurse but I suspect that is part of the problem. There used to be 2 levels of nurses, RCN and RGN. There were plenty of RGNs and they were the people happy to just come and sit with you.

Having said that, you're being unreasonable to assume that the men in the room are unsafe to be around.

No she's not. Not at all. The perpetrators of 98% of the VAWG are male. No, its 'not all men', but we don't know which ones it is. I know my DH isn't deviant. But I certainly wouldn't expect any other woman to just take my word for it and put up with him staying on the same ward as her just after she's given birth.

But when I had my children 30 years ago we were all helped by staff. Nobody was left for ages like they are now.

I do get that, but my experience was that 99% of the women there weren't remotely interested in 'peering' at me coz they had just had a baby too!

I shared a room with another woman after having DS last year, because of covid rules, only 1 visitor was allowed at a time (per room), her DH was there from roughly 5pm, and was still there at 11pm when I was discharged, he was a god send! Helped bounce my DC while I packed my bag up as he was being super fussy and insisted on being held and even offered to carry my bags out for me as my DH couldn't come in without having to park the car in the car park which is a bit of a walk from the maternity entrance (there's a couple of collection bays just outside the door but cars can't be left unattended).

Honestly don't understand how people can judge people simply based on what genitalia they have!

@OberthursGrizzledSkipper I agree 110%.

I had ds1 is 1994 and had to stay three nights because he was 36.3 and that was the protocol then. There were a lot of staff and not many women but the staff got very snippy if they were asked for anything. Mother's were expected to do everything whether they were well or not and we had to wheel the babies to the lavatory with us. The midwives were all late 20s and very right on.

I had dd at a different hospital where mother birthed and stayed in single rooms afterwards. The midwives there were older ladies and so much kinder and more caring.

The midwifery/nursing care wasn't great even then but it sounds so much worse now. I think one of the principle reasons is that we have been conditioned into accepting low or suboptimal standards because we shoukd all ve very grateful for free care. It is not free; it is not good enough. It's pretty shocking that all the post graduate people working in and running hospitals think the prevailing standards are good enough.

I was in the recovery ward during covid And my partner couldn’t stay and it was worse - no help, screaming babies, woman unable to get out of bed to get their baby, woman on speaker phone to their partners all nights etc

those recover wards are hell on earth

I don’t know why you would feel unsafe there with other woman’s partners though.

On my ward every single partner stayed. You are behind your own curtain. Thankfully they did as there was no help whatsoever from the midwives, I barely ever saw them and I was in for 4 nights after a big blood loss.

No-one was playing loud music or being unsociable.

Just my experience.