Men staying on the ward?

[DogsAndGin]

I just visited my friend who gave birth in the hospital I intend to give birth in. She had an ELCS, as I will be - so she stayed overnight, as I will be.

I was shocked to learn that on the ward were four ladies, two of which had their male partners stay all night! She said the midwives didn’t care, and didn’t ask them to
leave, and they also didn’t care about them watching TV on full volume and playing videos on their phones into the early hours!

The hospital’s website says all visitors must leave at night and cannot stay overnight - but this is obviously not enforced.

I really don’t want to be staying in a room at night with strange men present, as I wouldn’t feel safe. Has anyone come up against this problem and how did you manage to deal with it? Thank you x

That is absolutely horrendous @BunsyGirl I am so sorry you received such awful care.

The thing is OP if you have serious complications like me you need someone to look after you and your baby. The midwives don’t have time. At times there was only one working the whole ward as the others had to provide emergency help in the labour ward.

I know - but I think it should be women helpers, not men. I would take my sister.

Luckily I hadn't had a c-section, so I just asked every member of staff who came anywhere near me from 5am on the day after DD was born, when I could be discharged. I asked them so many times they got sick of me and I was discharged at 8am. Didn't even wait for someone to come get me, just booked a taxi, put DD in her car seat, threw all my stuff in the suitcase and hobbled out dragging my wheelie case, with the car seat over my arm 5mins after they agreed I could leave.

I personally don’t understand the ‘men shouldn’t be on the postnatal ward’ comments. How come they shouldn’t be able to stay with their wife/partner and help as much as they can?

Maybe because I’ve had two babies during Covid that the care from the midwives have been no wear near adequate. When I had my first baby I had complications and needed two procedures within seven days. I couldn’t bend my neck or lift my head and the midwives were no help at all. At that time my mum was my birthing partner and could only visit for four hours a day anyway.

Fast forward to 5 weeks ago when I had my son via C section. My DP stayed with me as he could stay for 24hrs and all he did was help me as much as possible as I could barely move. Our son got moved to NICU anyway but he would still visit me to spend time with me and then we’d see our son together. Other women had their partners with them and would help them through the night as midwives were literally nowhere to be seen. You’d have your buzzer ringing for 10 minutes before someone was able to see you. I don’t think men shouldn’t be allowed to be on the ward as it’ll probably cause more women distress than it’ll do good.

However in your case, if visitors are not allowed to stay overnight then this should be enforced. What’s the point in that rule if they’re not doing anything about it? That doesn’t make sense at all

Not everyone has another women in their life to ask to help. I certainly didn't but thankfully my consultant knew I would need help while recovering from my section and I was in a private room where dp was allowed to stay.

And some of them are there to continue their abuse and control of their partner. Who can't get a minute's peace, even in hospital.

@DogsAndGin but why shouldn’t men be allowed to see their newborn and stay with them for the night couple of nights that they’re born? NHS doesn’t enforce the ‘only female birthing partners are allowd to stay on the ward’ because they know it doesn’t make sense. What grounds can they stand on for excluding the other parent?

" I don’t see why women can’t bring a female companion."

I'm estranged from all my family due to childhood abuse and my in laws live 160 miles away. With my first baby I had not made any mum friends yet and we lived in a new area and with second baby all my friends were either looking after my ds or busy with their own young babies.

I wanted and needed my husband there. Zero regrets.

It's interesting that no-one bats an eyelid about the need and important acne of single sex wards in every other context, but on a maternity ward that appears to go out of the window. Vulnerable women, traumatised women, and actually just women-women, the pesky birthing kind with vaginas and breasts and blood, deserve privacy.

@DogsAndGin I didn’t have any females available to help me.
my mum was seriously ill,
no sisters and my best friends lived 200 miles away with young children of their own. My DH being present would have made all the difference. I had to spend three nights with sole care of my newborn despite being really ill myself.

So the men win again then? Those of us with nice husbands who we need to support us can’t have them around because some men are bad?

most of the issues on this thread are to do with poor staff, nothing to do with having men around. My husband wasn’t allowed to stay, but the staff were excellent to make up for this. Literally waited on me, curtain was always closed behind them, they answered the buzzer straight away every time. If me aren’t allowed to stay, then there needs to be this level of staffing. If not, then we need to have our birthing partners there. Because it’s only is that suffers .

but having said that, I was so glad that DH was there in the very least to close the curtains again after midwives etc come in and out (they often don’t) because I didn’t want anyone including the mother opposite to see me and getting on and off a bed immediately after c-section isn’t possible until you regain the use of your legs, and ever after that it’s no joke.

Yep absolutely this. I agree with the comment about some men looking at you but I also don’t like women looking at me either. I really struggled after my C section and if DS wasn’t in NICU. I have no clue how I would have cared for him on my own. The answer is, is that I simply wouldn’t have. If it’s really an issue to some, then there is an option to go private and ensure you have a side room so you don’t have to worry about having strangers around

Exactly.

I wasn't sat shaking in fear of being raped or beaten up. I felt incredibly uncomfortable that my privacy was being stolen from me. I've never willingly shown my bare breasts to men I don't know. Why is it acceptable to be forced into that situation in a hospital, while recovering from a major physical and emotional event?

I don’t have any women who could be there for me, and I wouldn’t want a random (or even known) woman. I want the father of my child. We have to take into account women’s feelings but why don’t mine, or anyone who disagrees with you matter?

I didn’t have a physically traumatic birth, but my mental health was on knife edge. DP didn’t even get the chance to say bye to us was just pushed out the lift and made to leave his mentally unstable partner and new baby with no parting goodbye or privacy. I had multiple panic attacks through the night, midwives told me I was “being ridiculous” or “just hormonal”. I was left for hours with no help, terrified, hysterical and managed to self harm. My DP being there would have literally saved me from months of pnd hell as I wouldn’t have spiralled that night, and I wouldn’t have an everlasting horrific memory of the first few days of my daughters life.

I do think wards need to move towards single occupancy rooms. It is absolutely barbaric how women are treated post birth.

It was lovely having #3 during covid and no men on the wards overnight. The vast numbers of Muslim women who could uncover their hair in 90degree heat probably agreed.

The policy in my local trust is men allowed 24/7. They say it's because new mums need the help and the hospital just can't provide the care.

For me, being separated by half a thin curtain while bleeding everywhere and establishing feeding, not wanting to leave the baby to nip to the loo with loads of strange men milling round, wanting to sleep without blokes pissing about on YouTube at 3am had nothing to do with basic safety (although I've heard of plenty of awful cases like a woman locally who's midwives had to pull her husband off her on the ward because he wanted sex) and everything to do with my dignity. If it cannot be provided then services are not adequate. The midwife in my debrief joked about how I wouldn't believe some of the things they have had to ask men not to do on the wards 'but women want them there'. No thank you.

Yes absolutely this. During my first postnatal stay, if I would have had good support from the midwives then both DD and I wouldn’t have suffered as much as we did. If you take away having birthing partners there and the level of care doesn’t improve, then it’s only the mums that suffer. Not everyone has a woman in their life that can be there as a birthing partner. They may not be wanted either

It's because unlike in other situations where there is no baby to care for, women also need HELP, and that's something that needs to be weighed up against the desire for privacy

And the other new mothers quite possibly don’t want to have their husbands sent away.

I completely agree with the poster who mentioned the way women are treated after childbirth is barbaric. The "get on with it" mentality is horrific.

In an ideal world we would all have private rooms, or failing that, adequate midwife care so someone was actually on hand to help women all throughout the night post birth. But whilst we don't have those things, I can't see that not allowing father's on the ward is a fair solution. It certainly doesn't look that way if you weren't lucky enough to be capable of looking after your baby straight away after they're born.

I gave birth late 2020 so covid restrictions were in place but not as strict. It was perfect. The ward was divided into proper booths with solid walls, no men stayed overnight, it was actually quite a magical night, just me and my little son, all calm and special just us two before going home to the family and friends.

Men shouldn't be allowed overnight unless there's a serious medical need - in which case, separate ward/room.

TVs and phones etc should not be playing without headphones after 9pm.

Recovering women deserve dignity and peace.

It's interesting that no-one bats an eyelid about the need and important acne of single sex wards in every other context, but on a maternity ward that appears to go out of the window.
It’s comparing apples to oranges though.

A partner would want to provide comfort after say, a gallbladder removal and a few hours a day visiting is understandable in these circumstances because the patient is just recovering, sleeping, resting etc. Post Birth you have a shared life created, his flesh and blood he has parental responsibility for and I think to deny access to someone’s child is barbaric tbh. He would also want to look after, his wife / partner who highly emotional and fragile, possibly unable to care for the child properly due to surgery etc. You will always see people lambasting men who don’t help in the early days with a newborn so why are we expected just to be ok with a couple of hours “ help” from men in hospital? Midwives don’t even have the capacity to provide basic care anymore, let alone the extra care women need during this time. Some of the things I witnessed from midwives in hospital was horrific.

single rooms need to be the norm tbh

100 times this. Of course I want my husband to stay with me not some random woman. He's the baby's father and my partner. No way would I send him home unless I was forced to

I understand women want their partners there for support but some men really can’t be considerate on the ward.

Its also the one place where an abused woman could have the guts to say something because there are no men about.

I stand by no men on the ward at night

Our hospital when I had DS in 2019 are super strict. They had to go by visiting hours unless you were in labour. Once I had DS, my DM and DP got to stay until I moved onto a ward a couple of hours after. As soon as I got on the ward as it was about 10pm they had to go straight away.

I'd have loved to have DP stay.