Men staying on the ward?

[DogsAndGin]

I just visited my friend who gave birth in the hospital I intend to give birth in. She had an ELCS, as I will be - so she stayed overnight, as I will be.

I was shocked to learn that on the ward were four ladies, two of which had their male partners stay all night! She said the midwives didn’t care, and didn’t ask them to
leave, and they also didn’t care about them watching TV on full volume and playing videos on their phones into the early hours!

The hospital’s website says all visitors must leave at night and cannot stay overnight - but this is obviously not enforced.

I really don’t want to be staying in a room at night with strange men present, as I wouldn’t feel safe. Has anyone come up against this problem and how did you manage to deal with it? Thank you x

I'd planned to discharge myself early to avoid this exact situation of not having to share a bedroom with men I've never met. In the end as there were no spare rooms I had to sit upright all night in a chair, fully dressed the first night of being a mum, despite my 2l blood loss and stitches because there was a strange man two feet from my bed on either side. They wouldn't let me go home.

And just because a man is a father doesn't mean he's a decent guy. You only have to spend three minutes on this forum to realise that.

I got a private room because my consultant believed me when I said I would be walking out 7 hours post emergency section rather than stay on ward with random men. Even in the private room it was tricky because I could hear them, one in particular was yelling. Didn't sleep at all. It's not that I think they as individuals are unsafe, I just can't relax when I'm in a vulnerable situation with strange men present. When my ptsd (from being violently raped) is bad, I can't even cope with dh in close proximity. I've had tonnes of therapy but it's done nothing to help. For multiple reasons, I found the postnatal period particularly triggering so my tolerance was much lower than normal.

@bringonsummer2022 they couldn't have made you stay without a section in place. It would have been within your rights to discharge yourself even if against advice. It makes me so cross that they try to wield power of people and fail to tell them their rights.

Haven't RTFT however after the first few responses I think I'm probably in the minority, as I think partners should be allowed to stay. I had an emergency c-section due to pre-eclampsia. I was told not to get up, to press the call button if I needed to tend to the baby etc. Well, I called, and I called, and I called, but no-one came. I got up, catheterised, and fed/changed my daughter, in huge amounts of pain because the paracetamol I'd asked for never materialised. I don't think they even did any obs overnight.

Looking back, I wish I'd got DH to stay, in spite of the rules. I was incredibly vulnerable and I'm angry the care was so poor. I needed someone to help me.

The father has the rest of his life to be with his child. Post natal wards are for women and children, not fathers.

I wanted my DH to go home and get some sleep. He needed to be on the ball for when I got home.

"I don’t see why women can’t bring a female companion."

You're assuming they have one available. My mother couldn't be arsed to come for her first grandchild's birth, I have no sister, and the only woman I was close enough to, to ask a big favour to was also a work colleague. I don't think it's appropriate for a work colleague to see me naked and for that reason I wouldn't ask her.

So what happens to people who don't have a female friend to assist them ?

I'm not criticizing your stance however. Ideally there ought to be wards for people who want their husband/male birth partner to stay, and different ones for people who don't. And enough midwives to actually help after the birth. If someone had, say, an op for appendicitis, no one would expect them to care for a newborn baby immediately after. But a woman who had a c-section is somehow expected to manage alone.

@Marty13 Yes, I appreciate that - and similarly, some ladies won’t have anyone at all they could bring with them to act as their nurse. So, the real issue here is that postnatal care for women in this country is so dire, that visitors are relied upon to provide women with post-operative care - and the alternative for some women is to receive no care whatsoever.

It is absolutely awful, and terrifying, to read that so many women on this thread pressed the call button, and no one came, all night long. And that so many women, who have experienced violence and sexual abuse from men, are forced to allow men in their place of recovery and rest, whilst they are supposed to somehow sleep.

I’m definitely not feeling in the slightest bit reassured by reading the replies I’ve received, in fact, the situation seems even worse than I’d anticipated! But, I’m so grateful for so much input from you all - it is a catch22 for women, and I fully appreciate why so many women need to have their partners stay when there simply isn’t any care provided by the actual caregivers.

www.lbc.co.uk/news/rape-and-sexual-assault-in-hospitals-has-rocketed/

www.bournemouthecho.co.uk/news/18178371.rapists-wards-sexual-assaults-hospitals-rise/

www.independent.co.uk/news/health/nhs-sexual-assault-patients-mental-health-mixed-sex-wards-a9273656.html

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/dec/31/sexual-violence-soars-uk-hospitals

www.womensgrid.org.uk/?p=11152

@DogsAndGin have you read any of the posts explaining why it was so vital for so many women to have their partner with them after birth? Or just the ones agreeing they should all be banned?

Ok so the women without partners should just suffer?

I'm sorry you experienced this- it's totally not acceptable. But I think the answer is that hospitals should be properly staffed- I don't understand how its not more of a scandal they are often not...

Not all women have a partner who can stay with them - there need to be enough staff. The system should not rely on women having a husband/mother/someone to stay with them in hospital.

I gave birth (pre Covid) in a ward where partners had to go home overnight and I was fine with that.
But difference is when I pressed the button someone did come... Most of the time it wasn't the actual midwives - I think they were mostly health care assistants or sometimes student midwives who could help with basic baby care tasks (and get a midwife if needed). I don't see why hospitals couldn't recruit more staff for this sort of assistant role so at least women aren't left alone (even if lack of midwives).

I'm due to give birth in a few months and I think even if my DH could stay I'd want him to go home (my local hospital changed their policy to allow birth partners overnight but that got reversed due to Covid and still is so far) - for one thing to see my older child who I worry would miss us (even though we are lucky to have childcare).

This is an argument for more individual rooms not for the removal of privacy from other vulnerable patients.

The five days I spent on a postnatal ward were amongst the most stressful in my life, partly due to the visitors on the ward 8am-11pm, coupled with the fact my baby wasn't well, DH was due to leave any day (Army)and the birth hadn't completely gone well. I couldn't sleep, it was abroad so language difficulties... the long visiting hours was just the final straw really.

@CorpseReviver - yes, that's exactly what I said. Women without partners should suffer.

Well done and a slow clap for you.

'Slow clap'? Fucking hell.

You said that it's "vital" for women to have their male partners staying on the postnatal ward. If it's "vital", why are you fine with those without partners not receiving essential care?

I did discharge myself early both times, due to men all over the ward, talking loudly, on their phones, shitting in the toilets, crashing around, snoring.

In both cases my babies ended up back in A&E within 24/48 hours due to severe jaundice. And in one case I had severe complications from post-c-section recovery.

You said that it's "vital" for women to have their male partners staying on the postnatal ward. If it's "vital", why are you fine with those without partners not receiving essential care?

I doubt anyone is saying they are fine with those without partners not receiving essential care. But writing to hospitals to try and ensure partners are not allowed on the ward will not ensure they provide adequate midwife care instead, it will just mean that those who desperately need help and DO have partners, won't receive it.

It is vital given the state of things as they currently are.

I can see the argument that some women need the help of their partners after birth but the argument that men want to be there so they should be? That one can go to hell with itself.

It's trickier because babies come at all times of the day and night, so women are getting taken to the postnatal ward in the middle of the night and, quite understandably, don't want to be separated from their husband within an hour or so of giving birth. I would have found that quite upsetting, so although my DH didn't 'stay' overnight any of the nights we were in, he was 'there' overnight one night because DD was born via EMCS in the middle of the night and we got wheeled to the postnatal ward. So even if partners aren't allowed to 'stay', there may well be a man or two in the ward at night-time just based on timing.

Ideally, you have private rooms and the issue is solved but that's clearly not feasible when apparently so many postnatal wards aren't even staffed adequately, so it's hard to say that either viewpoint is right or wrong, just that there are two valid viewpoints that conflict with each other and that's unfortunate.

I've experienced this both ways. Baby 1 DH stayed, we were there for 2 nights. I was very ill after giving birth, couldn't move out of bed and don't remember much of the first few hours. Not sure who would have looked after baby if DH hadn't been able to stay. There was an awful man in the ward the watched films at full volume all night and spent more time on the bed than the mother of the baby. It was hell. There was no privacy, it was really hot I hated it.
Baby 2 during covid. Obviously DH wasn't allowed to stay and thankfully I wasn't so ill after the birth this time so more capable of looking after baby. There were also no men staying overnight, not as hot and crowded, much less noise. I had to stay in for 24 hours and despite it being much better than the first time I had DH knocking on the door 5 mins before the 24 hours were up. I wanted out and home to our other child, to some privacy and to have support.
Postnatal wards with and without men are a special sort of hell.
The answer is private rooms for everyone.

The answer is to protest and campaign for decent postnatal care for all women, regardless of whether or not they have a partner / relative / etc who can stay with them.

All this does is to further privilege those who do, and further marginalise, disturb and endanger those who don't.

The issue is the lack of privacy from not only men but other patients (and their female visitors) too. I feel very lucky that I stayed in a private room in the hospital where DS was born, I absolutely wouldn’t have been happy with sharing a space with strangers, doesn’t matter that they’re female. I don’t want other women to see me so vulnerable and overhearing my personal medical being discussed.
Single rooms should be the norm.

@CorpseReviver
Why are you so insistent on putting words In my mouth? You're quite the goady one aren't you?

I've said nothing of the sort - honestly have a word with yourself.