Men staying on the ward?

[DogsAndGin]

I just visited my friend who gave birth in the hospital I intend to give birth in. She had an ELCS, as I will be - so she stayed overnight, as I will be.

I was shocked to learn that on the ward were four ladies, two of which had their male partners stay all night! She said the midwives didn’t care, and didn’t ask them to
leave, and they also didn’t care about them watching TV on full volume and playing videos on their phones into the early hours!

The hospital’s website says all visitors must leave at night and cannot stay overnight - but this is obviously not enforced.

I really don’t want to be staying in a room at night with strange men present, as I wouldn’t feel safe. Has anyone come up against this problem and how did you manage to deal with it? Thank you x

I understand your concerns but when I gave birth I had been in hospital for 2 days being induced, had had about 4hrs sleep over 48hrs and was physically and mentally exhausted. On top of that I had stitches from my birth and almost needed a blood transfusion. My husband stayed the night with me on the ward because firstly I couldn't get out of bed as I was at risk of fainting and secondly because I was absolutely exhausted and in pain. I didn't get to change my baby's first nappy or get to go over to their cot and pick them up and was gutted about that. There's no way the midwives would have been there in the ward doing the work my husband did that night with the baby. He stayed on the ward quietly and respectfully, he had a bag full of food and drink for himself and never used the toilet facilities. We had the curtain closed the whole time so he wouldn't be able to see any of the other women and make them feel uncomfortable. All the dad's actually stayed that night as most of the women on my ward had been through traumatic births, were recovering and needed assistance from their partners.

Gosh this sounds so wonderful compared to now ☹️

@DogsAndGin also you mention you would rather a female helper like your sister to help you. When I gave birth you couldn't have two partners on the post-natal ward you only get one, so my husband wouldn't have been able to have seen our baby if I had chosen my mum or sister as company as you had to stick to one chosen person.

What grounds can they stand on for excluding the other parent?
Because the post natal ward is not a parenting class.

Women stay on the pn ward because they need medical care. The fathers do not need medical care. Maternity services are for mothers, not fathers.

Because there is a BABY involved! So firstly the patient has a dependant that they must care for by themselves when they are not in a fit state and secondly because the baby has a mother and father. What a stupid comment!

If a child is in hospital, usually only one parent is allowed to stay overnight.

Women stay on the pn ward because they need medical care. The fathers do not need medical care. Maternity services are for mothers, not fathers.

But it's not just the mother there, it's the baby, too. If a mother was incapacitated in a different area of the hospital and she couldn't get out of bed to care for them, it wouldn't be suggested that her child stay with her.

Similarly as you've said in your subsequent comment if a child is ill in hospital only one parent would be allowed to stay with them - it wouldn't be the parent who was equally as incapacitated as them, would it.

I'd be lost without my husband by my side on the ward. I was incredibly weak and needed support. The midwives worked very hard but were stretched. Him being there meant he could help me. He stayed behind our curtain and the curtain remained closed.

OP I'm with you. It's disgraceful that staffing levels in maternity wards are so low that we have to rely on visitors to cover basic care.

Nobody seems to give a damn that vulnerable women, in pain, unable to move very well don't want to sleep in a room with random strange men (I'm sorry but your husband/boyfriend might be a very nice man but he's a stranger to everyone else).

Not to mention that for those women in abusive relationships (which we know increases during pregnancy), outside of visiting hours may be the only time they can speak to someone to get help. Can't do that if he's there all of the time

I wish hospitals would just make their policies clear eg if they run a mixed sex postnatal ward, then just say so.

I doubt you'll get very far with your local hospital though.

@AintNoPartyLikeANumber10Party on the occasions I have stayed in hospital overnight with my dc I've been fit and well, albeit a bit sleep deprived on occasion.

When an hours old newborn is involved the mother has often had no sleep for two days, is passing a lot of blood and even if there have been no stitches is extremely bruised. Add in the fact that the mother may have had major surgery, internal stitches and to have had strong drugs in the preceding 24 hours and she is unlikely to be able to care for a completely hopeless newborn alone.

Post natal wards have either to provide adequate and willing staff or accept there may need to be overnight help.

I’m sorry, but I really needed my husband there after my daughter’s birth. I won’t bore everyone with the details, but it was rough and I was in a bad way. And no, I don’t have anyone female who can help. I was in a private room some of the time, but when I was in a ward it really wasn’t the husbands who were the problem - I was shouted at by a woman who was clearly in the grips of post partum psychosis and the other offender was another woman shouting down her phone at all hours of the night. My husband was invaluable, and not least it was invaluable for him to get involved straight away with caring for the baby. The midwives taught us both to change nappies, burp, etc. We do expect our male partners to be equal parents after all!

To add to that - a friend sent her husband home overnight after her section, for some rest. Nobody came when she pressed the buzzer, at all, all night. She was completely immobile and unable to get to her baby. She had to ring him to come back.

OP I’m sorry about what happened to you, but maybe the solution is to give you a private room? May be worth discussing with your midwife at the next appointment.

I also have a friend (male) who is a carer for his sick mother. He has always been allowed to stay over with her in hospital, and rightly so. She’s vulnerable and can’t manage withiout him, and they have no one else. I don’t see this situation as any different.

Complain. Loud and now It's inappropriate

I agree with all this. But mainly this
Post natal wards have either to provide adequate and willing staff or accept there may need to be overnight help.
PN wards should provide adequate and willing staff. Otherwise we are condemning single mums or mums whose partners have other responsibilities (eg other kids at home) to a lack of care and isolation.

What is it with all these women fearing men!! Its really OTT

Oh I don’t know. Could be from where my friends dad sexually assaulted me when I was a young teen, or where my first boyfriend tried to rape me or even I dunno when someone I thought of as a friend spiked my drink in an attempt to get me to have sex with him

Sorry if I find myself cautious around men

There was a thread on this before a couple of months ago.

Really don't see the problem, if they're there then they're there for a reason which is no one else's business.

Agree with you, should be restricted to visiting hours, the same as on other wards in the hospital. I think it’s come about as a result of staff shortages but a lot of the basic care could be provided by HCAs so it’s more about lack of funding than the shortage of midwives

If you've read the thread you'll see it's not just a matter of fear, it's about being able to maintain privacy in what is inevitably a vulnerable and undignified time for the majority of women.

I'm sure you wouldn't like it if I parked my husband outside your bedroom window while you were getting dressed or sleeping or suggested he stand in the womens changing room at the swimming pool to wait for me.

I have chosen throughout my life to not flash random men, why should that choice be taken away from me in a hospital when I'm bleeding, in pain, tired and trying to do things like establish breastfeeding, sleep, go to the toilet in a gown with no back and blood seeping through my maternity pad.

I'm sure your partner is a wonderful Edson, but I don't know him, I don't want him to see me like that, why is my right to privacy worth less than your right to company?

I'm sure your partner is a wonderful Edson, but I don't know him, I don't want him to see me like that, why is my right to privacy worth less than your right to company?

Why are the people on the privacy side of the debate so intent on minimising what people who say they needed their partner there are saying? It's not about company, it's about literally not being able to look after your newborn baby without them there.

I don't want to say that is "worth more" than anyone's right for privacy but obviously it is a more pressing need.

I needed my husband more than ever in recovery from my first childbirth.
My baby was taken to SCBU before I even saw her, she wasn't breathing at all and no one would even tell me if she was alive.
I couldn't move as I'd had a spinal block and forceps.
I was dumped on a ward filled with mums and babies, without mine, without even knowing if I had a baby. 3am after a 49 hour labour and he was taken away as I was screaming and begging someone to help me, take us to our baby, please do something.

Do women feeling unsafe on a ward which is staffed 24 hours, trump the needs of women in my position?

I was on a ward that didn't allow visitors at all between 10pm and 8am, but was a free for all during the day time. That was bad enough. MWs wanted you to leave curtains open so they could see but I was so uncomfortable about lying there, bleeding heavily, with loads of strange men around. Most of them were utterly useless - lounging around on beds, watching tablets loudly, failing to keep the baby's older siblings under control etc - rather than helping with their new baby. It was really unhelpful for breastfeeding as you either had to get out of bed to close the curtains each time, or just go for it with everything on display!

It would have been even worse overnight. Please do talk to your midwife - I wrote to complain afterwards (had a terrible experience for many reasons and this was just one of them!) and a follow up meeting with the Chief Midwife who said they got a lot of pressure from people to let partners stay and it was helpful for them to have pushback to say this wasn't always what people wanted.

I'd have been fine about someone very ill in one of the single rooms having their partner to stay - that was well away from the beds in bays area. But not allowing partners to stay in the beds in the ward/bay area

• we had 8 women and 8 newborns in ours so it would have been even worse with some partners in there too. The staff were struggling enough to do obs with all the visitors around in the day!

I was in for eight nights in total (3 on postnatal and 3 on SCBU) and SCBU was a lot more civilised as visiting was severely restricted and we could actually rest.

It also helped a lot that DH was sleeping at home every night as it meant he was well rested and able to be very hands on when we did everything get home. It was an hour's journey to the hospital each day on the bus, which meant he could only be there for two hours a day, which was my one opportunity to get a shower!

It’s not only for support, it’s also their child that has just been born, who they want to stay with.

OP, if you are genuinely worried about a man interfering with you would having your own husband staying with you make you worry less?

My mum worked on maternity as a nurse. Some of her stories were shocking including a couple having sex on a maternity ward. She didn't believe it was consensual.
I found it bad enough to bump into a strange man in the middle of the night when I was walking through the maternity ward half naked, having just bathed and struggled to dress myself (I was in labour at the time).