Would you have your mum at your birth?

[BrollyDolly]

Just that really?
People find it weird that I don't want my mum there with me?!
Am I the only one who thinks it's abnormal to want your mum there?

No way. I think it was a really personal, special time between me and my husband.

My sister had my mum there. My mum hated every second and thinks it made my sister less grown up about the process.

No way!

I had my mum at my birth 4 months ago. Couldn't imagine denying her the privilege, she was so excited about being a granny plus I wanted someone there with me who had done it herself! My DP was grateful for her presence too as I was just lay in a bed like Reagan from the Exorcist spewing obscenities.

MissJC

No way! She would've loved to have been there but I would have felt a bit weird with her there.

I know she's seen it all before but I wouldn't feel comfortable with my foof out, mooing like a cow and pushing a baby out

Nope. She'd not be very helpful. My partner's Mum has asked a few times to be there. I'm not even close to her. Have said no and as my midwife said it's not a spectator sport.

No way. Special time for me, OH and our new dd. Trust me, you only want people there who will put you first. It's not about anyone else, or their needs of wishes. It suu who will be working hard and you who needs care. For me that meant DH and fab midwives. Most special moment of my life

I did most of my labour at home I was 7-8cm dilated when we went to hospital, and we were living with my parents at the time so my mum was around for almost all of it, she dropped me at hospital with DP and came back 3 hours later to deliver my pillows and meet her new GD. I didn't want anyone but DP there for the grisly part, but I was so delirious both my parents and younger brother came in to see me spreadeagled and naked clutching newly born dd so I didn't manage to preserve any modesty. I don't remember getting naked

I haven't thought about this at all! I think my mum would be amazing though. I distinctly remember her being fantastic giving birth to my sister in our living room when I was younger.
I've always thought it'd be just me and DP though! Although the midwife has started talking about a birth plan!!

I had my mum in with me the first time, my relationship with her has changed now though so I wouldn't again.

I agree @NameChange30 you're absolutely right about being assertive and putting mine & baby's needs first... but I'm staying with my mum for the next 2 months while DH is on military lockdown overseas, so it makes it all the more awkward... She's an extremely sensitive soul. The tension for 2 months would probably be worse than what I would feel by just letting her be there on the day.

Maybe when I'm in the throes of labour I will suddenly feel that I want her there with me after all! It's all one big unknown at the moment.

Nope.

Mine was with me for DS1. It wasn't the first birth she'd attended and she was brilliant. Really useful.

I would love her to be there for this one, but it isn't something she enjoys, she's older and she was very relieved when I asked her to look after DS1 when I'm in labour this time instead of coming with me. I would love to find someone like her to accompany me, but so far, I haven't been able to. I've looked at doulas, all the one's close to me seem too woo and into drug/interventionist free births. Not what I want at all.

Butterfly
Ah well if you're staying with her that does change things a bit.
To be honest, although i didn't want my mum there beforehand, now I've actually given birth, I think I might have liked her to have been there. She arrived just afterwards and I cried with relief!
I think it depends what your mum is like when you're ill or in a crisis. My mum can be a drama queen, she can be very emotional or just annoying, but in the moments when I really need her, she's stepped up. I think she does have that mother's instinct to look after me. And despite being fiercely independent, after a difficult birth I definitely wanted my own mummy!
It totally depends on your mum and your relationship, though, and I don't think anyone should have their mum there out of obligation - she should only be there is she is going to make the experience better and not worse for you. Take her wishes out of the equation.

My mum wouldn't have coped. Neither she nor DH do blood, they're fainters.

I had my dad with me. He was brill. It was quite funny, various people thought he was DD's dad. We stopped trying to explain. DD and her Grandpa have a very special relationship. Other than the surgeon, he had first hold and showed her to me.

Definitely not! I love my mum to bits and I see her every day (she is in her 80s now and lives 10 minutes walk away from us all) but it didn't even cross my mind. Was just DH and midwives and if my mum was there she would have just worried I think! When I had ds2 she looked after ds1 and then brought ds1 in to see me soon afterwards as that's what I wanted and then I was desperate to show her and my dad their new grandson.

Oh my god no! My mum attended a mere one of my appointments with me and talked over me, answered for me and my partner and told the doctor all about how she 'retained the placenta' so he should watch out for that with me

@NameChange30 you have articulated pretty much exactly how I feel and how my relationship with my mum is. I'll definitely have her nearby no matter what, but when push comes to shove (literally) I think I'll have the strength to make the decision if I genuinely don't want her in the room at that point.

I had surgery for thyroid cancer overseas 2 years ago and I purposely didn't tell my mum exactly what it was for until after the surgery, as at that time I just wanted to get on and deal with it alone - no fuss or drama. Of course as soon as I told her the extent of it after waking up from the anaesthetic she was on the first flight over, but I'm still glad I kept that bit of distance as I just wanted to get through the surgery part by myself.

Anyway, thank you very much for your wise words. I don't want to derail the thread anymore than I already have, but your advice in response to my posts has been much appreciated! 💐

Nope, don't have that sort of relationship she wouldn't be interested anyway.

God no

My dm isn't around any more but no. I only want my dh.

My dsis has offered. I've declined

No way, for me it's about me and OH becoming parents together. Such an intimate and personal moment. I wouldn't bring my mum in as I feel it would change his experience.
Having said that, if some people would want that then thats fine, but I hope they ask their OH's opinion on it.

I love my mum to death but it's not her place. She'd be a pretty big third wheel. It's for the mother and father to share the birth of their child imo

Butterfly
You're welcome! Best of luck for the birth, I'm sure whatever you decide it will work out

@molly unfortunately the father has done a runner so I had opted for my friend to be with me at the birth. She has been supportive and been attending antenatal classes with me.
@namechange30 I think you are bang on the money there. Sometimes I feel like it’s me that’s going crazy when in reality they are playing mind games. My mum uses my sister as her mouth piece the majority of the time and it feels that they have nothing better to do than talk about my life. Unfortunately I care too much and a lot of the time I let things go as I don’t want to say something that may hurt their feelings although it would be the truth. The odd time I haven’t been able to hold back it has always results in my sister and I falling out as she says things that are very hurtful and all I end up doing is crying in response, going home and feeling very lonely and down. Also the things she has said she would not think or know of by herself and only would know because my mum has said something.
Going back to the original subject though, I haven’t felt very supported by my mum throughout the pregnancy. I thought maybe this would be something to bring us together but seems to have made no difference. When I first told her she said ‘oh for fucks sake’ bearing in mind I am in my late 20s, have a good stable job and my own house. She has also said to me not to get to excited and to remember my grandmother had 2 stillbirths. I just feel this was very uncalled for and has really not helped my anxiety, to the point I have had very ‘real’ dreams of this coming true and am absolutely petrified. I have asked for help recently in the house preparing things as I don’t want to keep relying on my friend and she always makes a massive drama about it or lets me down at the last minute. My dad helps with certain ‘man’ jobs that I need (they are separated btw) and he is always there on the phone if I need advice. On the flip side, I am hearing from others that she cannot contain her excitement for the baby to come but none of this is apparent to me!? Strange?
She’s not very caring and even when I have been ill in the past she says things like not to go round to her house as she doesn’t want to get ill! In the first 12 weeks I was quite poorly and GP advised I stayed with someone until I felt better but I said I’d much rather stay at home as I’d feel worse being away. I called my mum to inform her and ask her to keep her phone handy in case I did need anything urgently. Didn’t hear from her for days and when I tried calling her she didn’t answer. When I do eventually call her she behaves as if I am interrupting something and didn’t ask how I was.
@crazypenguinlady I have kept saying I would much rather my dad than my mum!
Sorry for the essay!