Would you have your mum at your birth?

[BrollyDolly]

Just that really?
People find it weird that I don't want my mum there with me?!
Am I the only one who thinks it's abnormal to want your mum there?

My mum is a nurse and is fantastic in stressful situations. I was really glad she was there for both of my children's births. Plus DH is a wobbly mess (tries his best and is normally quite resilient but seeing me in pain like that makes him lose his head a bit) I was really glad I didn't just have him to rely on

My mum was there for dc 1 and 2, and looked after them while I had dc3. It was lovely to have her there and particularly during dc1's very long labour she was a great support for dh.

Your birth, your choice though.

@ColdTeddy obviously I would hope my mum was at the birth else it raises the question who I belong to

Thanks for all of your comments so far.

I'm really not very close to my mum and never have been for various reasons. My sister is much closer to her and raised the question why I wouldn't have her there. I just said no thanks I couldn't think of anything worse. Sister cannot understand my POV and now I worry that her and my mum will take offence to it.
Not only are we not close, my mum would make it worse. She lacks emotion apart from anger it seems and it would not be very helpful to me as someone who already suffers with anxiety!
Glad some of you understand this though

I think wherever possible, the father should be at the birth because I've heard that it will help him to understand the massive effort of childbirth (your mum probably already knows this) and therefore will hopefully lead to him having greater respect for the woman and her body - understanding she needs to be cared for for a few weeks, no hassling for sex too soon etc.

Also, it will give him the chance to do some early bonding such as cutting the cord and perhaps washing baby and putting on the first nappy before the mother is considered the expert and expected to do it all the time.

But ultimately whoever attends the birth should be the woman's choice. And unless they have been invited to just watch, they should understand that they have a job to do in supporting the birthing woman in ways she finds helpful not sitting there reading a climbing magazine .

My dd requested me, but then I'm a midwife.

No! My DM is wonderful but would have been a nightmare. I managed to keep my labour a secret from her. She would have preferred live updates.

It's none of your sister's business who you have at your birth and whether or not your have your mum there.

Would I be right in guessing that your sister is the "golden child" and you're the scapegoat?

Sounds like a toxic parent / stately homes type scenario to me.

I have a complicated but generally good relationship with my mum, and I didn't want her there when I gave birth. Even if you're really close to your mum with no issues at all, there's no rule to say you have to want her there. Your body, your choice.

I had my mum and dh and all three of DS's births.
Just wanted her there, can't really pin point why.
The 3Rd one was meant to be a homebirth and my mum wasn't going to be there but come round after birth and look after me.
I ended up transferring to hospital and called my mum to meet me at the hospital.
She cut the cord for all 3 as dh is a bit squeamish.

I'm NC with my mum, so no.
I do want my gran there when I give birth though!

My DH was working away when DS2 arrived early, I could have had either granny with me but chose my MIL. My DM looked after DS1, there was never any chance I'd have has my mum with me, however DMIL and I had and still have 28 years later a fantastic relationship.
I think it depends on your relationship with anyone you would like to have at the birth. My DM it would have been all about her whereas DMIL was great and just seemed to know what I needed and want to say.

Also mum and I are not particularly close and disagree on a lot of things. But I wanted her there.
So I think as in all things birth and parenting related, if it feels right it probably is right. Trust your gut.

Honestly I only want my DH there (baby due next month) but my mum has clearly presumed that she will be too. She keeps talking about it as if she completely expects to be present and the thought of not being hasn't even crossed her mind. I don't have the heart to tell her I don't necessarily want her in the room while I give birth, so the plan was for DH to take the flack and say he just wants it to be the two of us when it comes down to going into the birthing room.

The problem now is that my DH has suddenly and unexpectedly been called up to his home country's military service and it's highly likely it will force him to miss the birth (💔) - so if I don't have him with me it puts me in more of a dilemma re: DM. I am close to her (although I've lived in a different country for the past 5 years) and I'm her only child, and her main focus... but she's quite overemotional - verging on hysterical - and I think I'd rather she just be the first to come into the room and see us once baby is in my arms.

Butterfly
If you DH has to miss your birth and you don't want your mum there, i suggest you look into getting a doula. I know people who had doulas at their births and found them very supportive and helpful. I actually think a doula would have been better than DH in many ways.

I did :) my first ended up as an emergency section so my mum couldn't come to theatre but was there all through the hellish labour. Next three were all electives & both she & dh were allowed in with me. I sold it as dh was there to see his child born & my mum was there to look after me. She's a midwife, I'm a medic, I have terrible pregnancies & wanted the extra support (dh tends to leave all things medical to me & I found that overwhelming in pregnancy).

I think it is quite unusual though!

Thank you for the recommendation @NameChange30 I will look into it I'm lucky that I feel extremely comfortable with my midwife and consultant though (and even luckier to have continuity of care) so I don't think I'd be too worried even if it ended up just being the midwife and me. But the hurt and offence it would cause to my DM if I told her I'd rather do it alone... I don't know if it's worth the stress 😩

Definitely not! I don't feel completely relaxed when my mum is around, I feel I have to perform to her standards, and am careful what I say and do etc. I can't imagine that would make labour go well. Incidentally, she's made it quite clear she wouldn't want to be there anyway.

Butterfly
In the nicest possible way I think you need to woman up and tell your mum sooner rather than later. Don't blame it on your poor DH either!
Now is a good time to start practise prioritising your and your baby's needs and being assertive in order to do so.

No way in a million years. You're not weird at all!

Mine wouldn't want to be there when I gave birth! Although I warned her she might end up delivering DC3if s/he arrives as fast as 1&2 did!

Nope. Just DH (and MWs) for me. My mum had kind of assumed she would be there and got very upset when I said i didn't want anyone else there. I think she still resents DH for it. It meant she couldn't regale the story to everyone as if it were her story and make it about her.

DS came very quickly I didn't get out of the house to the hospital so ended up giving birth on the hallway floor despite being high risk and not recommended a home birth. My MIL was the only one there with me and she talked me through what the 999 dispatcher was saying and was at the messy end when it was time to catch my son. She was utterly incredible and absolutely the best person I could have had with me - even if DH has been there he'd have panicked. It couldn't have turned out better although it makes me feel a bit awkward when I think of how much of me she's seen--

If MY mum had been there she'd have been having kittens. She'd have been as worried about me as she was my baby and she wouldn't be able to cope. I love her very much and we're very close but she worries about everything. I didn't even tell her half of the health issues affecting me and the baby for my pregnancy. She wouldn't have slept for the last four months for worrying! Not in a million years would I want her at a birth, even if it was very straightforward. OP you're not alone!

Definitely not. She would somehow make the whole situation about herself or make it into a competition by comparing her births to mine.

Noooooooo! I love my mum but probably wouldve hit or killed her my dad wouldve been a better choice in terms of practical support haha

No, it was just my dh and I liked that, it's our special moment and our new family. He's my number one rock and support.
That said if dh couldn't be there for whatever reason I would want my mum. The second time around my mum was at our house to look after dd1 and so saw me in labour and I got to experience a bit of it with her which was nice. I'd ideally like to do the same for dc3, although they live far away so it depends how quick it all is.

Never in a million years would I have had my mum with me. I love her dearly but we're like chalk and cheese, she's hugely neurotic, a raging hypochondriac and would have driven me up the wall, especially as I ended up with a 24 hour syntocin induction and an EMCS.

If it has come to crunch and if had to choose a parent I would have rather had my dad.