Being forced to breastfeed

[butterfly92]

Hi everyone. I am due next month and already decided I am going to breastfeed for the first couple of weeks or so then move onto bottles but my OH is absolutely adamant that I am not bottle feeding our baby and that I must continue to breastfeed all the way until he is finished (2 - 3)!

I said sorry that is not happening it is my own personal choice and I am going to formula feed once I have breastfeed for a couple of weeks but then he said if I don't then he will pay for someone else to nurse him instead. He is very set in his ways.. It's either breast or he will get someone else to nurse.

What do I do? It is really making me dread childbirth I really don't want any issues

This is NOT about breastfeeding

This is about a man who (although otherwise apparently great) is creating a situation where is heavily pregnant partner feels anxious, fearful, controlled and disempowered.

How she may feel about breastfeeding after the birth, its relative convenience, or its benefits, is frankly irrelevant.

The OP will hopefully know whether how best to tackle this - though she needs to be assertive whether that is by tackling the issue and letting her partner know that he is causing her unnecessary stress at a time she least needs it; or quietly but firmly doing whatever she wants to do regarding feeding, when the time comes; or bringing in support of midwife etc.

Xposts wanna be - you type impressively fast.

I cannot believe people are coming on here to lecture OP about "breast is best" when it's very clear she's being bullied and coerced by her husband. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves - you are doing exactly the same thing as he is .

This thread isn't about breastfeeding, I do wish people wouldn't keep going on about "she might change her mind."

She is going to breastfeed for as long or as little as she wants to, he won't be able to force her and he won't be able to hire a wet nurse, and even if he did manage to do so, she can call the police because a complete stranger has entered her home, and is attempting to take her baby from her and breast feed it without her consent.

The issue is that her "formerly non-controlling" partner is suddenly TELLING her what she is going to do with her own body and her own newborn, and threatening her with what will happen if she does not obey him.

This is abuse. The base issue is that her partner has become, as so often happens, abusive during pregnancy and she needs to seek help.

x-post with everyone else who said it much better!

butterfly is awful that your husband is making you feel like this at a time when you should be excited and looking forward to your baby's birth. Please do speak to your midwife about this - also any friends and family you can trust. Get as much support as you can. And please don't show your husband this thread as PP have suggested.

I would also suggest moving this to relationships but of course that's up to you .

Seriously though, tell him to go fuck himself.

I physically couldn't breastfeed. It was horrific. You should have seen the state of me and poor ds was starving.

Apart from the guilt, the guilt trips and the casual cruelty of various midwives and health visitors, it was bewildering. There is massive support for breast feeding, but we were on our own when it came to formula. I was stuck in hospital and DH was wandering around Boots not knowing what to get or what would be needed. We had only researched breastfeeding.

I would tell the midwife about what you want, the pressure you are under and for help and guidance sorting out what is needed for formula.

This is ridiculous, the op has not asked anyone to explain the benefits of bf-ing or help her come up with ways to bf longer. I am total bf-ing advocate but that is not what it's about.

And going against the grain here - no. Dad's do not get a say in the way a woman feeds her baby. The same way they don't get a say in the way we deliver our children. It's hard to accept, but some things in life are out of our control. Sorry dads, this is one.

They can regain any lost control from 6 months + by being the one to source, cook, and feed a nutritious varied diet. They can have the all the fun of the next 18 years of feeding a child as well, if they want it.

OP, he has no right to your body. Best of luck in sorting this out.

The OP is an adult who has autonomy over her own body, she can make whatever choice she likes as to what she does/ does not do with it. Even if the decision is something other might seem 'unwise' no one has the right to force her to use her body in a way she is not comfortable with.

Some people on this thread have totally missed the point about this being an issue of control and not an issue of ff vs bf. I don't know what it is about bf that causes some people to be so narrow minded

Op, I volunteer as a breastfeeding peer supporter. I support women who come to a clinic to see the lactaction consultant. A couple of women over the years have had similar from their partners, and we've all been horrified. It's not normal or acceptable to pressure someone you (supposedly) love into doing something they just don't want to do. Luckily the nhs consultant I work with does not hesitate to put a partner straight - this is one hell of a big red flag of abuse.

It really is a personal choice. Your dp needs to back off with his bullying. You should be enjoying the last weeks of your pregnancy.

This isn't up for debate. You decide what you will and won't be doing. He should be supporting you irrespective of his own opinion. Of course he can voice his, but not at the detriment of your emotional well being.

I hope you get the support you need.

Please, please flag this with your midwife and HV. Yes to taking him along with you to a midwife appointment (after you have spoken to the midwife alone) and get her to speak to him.

Tell your close friends and family what he is saying so they are aware you may need their support once baby is here.

My goodness, I wish I was your midwife or HV. I'd give him such an earful.

I couldn't stay married to a man who was prepared to ignore my wishes over something like this. It's bullying, abusive and controlling. Msorry, but it is.

I'm a midwife and I bf my dd for years so am as pro breastfeeding as can be but it should always be the woman's choice.

The IQ thing is bollocks. Bf babies may have slightly higher IQs but there is no proof that it's breastmilk which causes this. Middle class babies are more likely to be bf than babies from lower socio-economic families and I would say it's the upbringing and possibly genetic factor which has more of an influence. I know that's a massive sweeping generalisation but on a large scale population study is likely to be true, obv there's always exceptions.

Some men do exercise coercive control over feeding. I have come across it a number of times when they prevent their partners from breastfeeding and enforce formula feeding. I have also occasionally come across it the other way round, not so much enforcing BF but allowing encouragement to BF to override the mother's wishes, leading to a lot of distress.

It's a question of bodily autonomy.

Firstly I don't believe this is the only area in which he is controlling. I'm very sure there are other things that you may not have felt were controlling at the time but if you look back with clear eyes you will see it.
Secondly breastfeeding for a couple of weeks will confer antibodies and immune protection - so you're covering that.
Thirdly does he understand statistics? Breastfeeding alone does not raise iq levels. The fact is that people who breastfeed are also more likely to be educated and provide good nutrition to their children as they grow. There are many many variable factors. Sigh.

Tell your DH to take a hike. That is a ridiculous and childish thing to say to you. Also when you see the names of the MN breastfeeding militants pop on your thread just skim over the shite that they are peddling because it is usually ill-informed scaremongering bullshit. It is your decision. The only thing I'd say is go with the flow. You don't know how you'll feel at he time. Also 2 weeks is a funny time to set. Your baby will have all the colostrum in the first few days and then your milk comes in and that's when the fun starts. It got really difficult for me then. You may find you stop after the colostrum stage because of that. Or you may find your milk comes in and you and the baby are naturals at it and you want to continue. YOUR CHOICE. Formula feeding is fab. Breastfeeding is fab if it makes you happy. Otherwise it's the shittest thing about early parenthood and will likely have a detrimental affect on you and maybe even your relationship with your baby and definitely with the twat who is attempting to force you to continue with it.

*effect

Some men do exercise coercive control over feeding. I have come across it a number of times when they prevent their partners from breastfeeding and enforce formula feeding.

A friend of mine told me that she stopped BF her second child because he husband "made me give up. DS cried too much and he said, that's it, you're not feeding him any more, he's going on the bottle." She looked at me askance when I told her what my reaction would have been!

And yes he was abusive in all sorts of ways, including blaming her for every problem the DCs had. It was like she had Stockholm Syndrome, she couldn't see how awful he was. Good news: they are now divorced, and she is happy now but he completely broke her.

OP, your partner is bullying you. His behaviour is not normal or acceptable. He does not respect you. He may not have seemed abusive up to now but as others have said it can start in pregnancy. I think you should talk to your midwife and also Woman's Aid to get some advice.

I breastfed DD til she was two and am bfing her newborn sister now, so I'm all for it (and agree it's by far the easier option once you've cracked it) but as they're my tits it was my choice- not my husbands. He had an opinion but that was all, he didn't get to decide.

Be very carful taking him to your mw appointment. There are a few odd ones out there that would just heap the pressure on with him. Maybe sound her out about it first.

My dd was ff from about 3 weeks (wanted longer; had big medical problems that are not relevant). Dd is by far and away top of her class in every subject. Partly cos she's academically strong innately and partly because we gave her loads of love, encouragement, play, stimulation from the get go. Tell your oh he is at best being childish and at worst a controlling dickhead.

And I wouldn't give a shit if she wasn't academically able - she'd still get love encouragement stimulation and play because that's what parenting is all about. And all the tough stuff. Don't add a controlling dad act to the mix.

I don't agree with your partner putting you under so much pressure... But as a compromise maybe... Have you thought about expressing and then mix feeding? This way you are both getting a bit of what you want if that makes sense?
However I say do what's best for you and your baby! Congratulations and good luck

If the midwives are aware that there is a controlling relationship or poss abuse (eg emotional) they should help the woman to access support. For that reason I would suggest op discusses the oh views with mw alone. Problrm is often it's very hard for someone who's being controlled to truly realise it themselves (even if told so by others). There has to be a realisation by them that this may be happenning; the patterns of begabiour; the way of discussing/coercing; and the impact. Op, please do seek independent help from a women's advisory group if poss. Someone mentioned women's aid I don't have knowledge of them per se. They may be appropriate. (Caveat; am bf support person. 100% support woman's choice to ff. 100% agree with majority of posters who say it is your choice and NOT about bf vs ff). My best to you