Being forced to breastfeed

[butterfly92]

Hi everyone. I am due next month and already decided I am going to breastfeed for the first couple of weeks or so then move onto bottles but my OH is absolutely adamant that I am not bottle feeding our baby and that I must continue to breastfeed all the way until he is finished (2 - 3)!

I said sorry that is not happening it is my own personal choice and I am going to formula feed once I have breastfeed for a couple of weeks but then he said if I don't then he will pay for someone else to nurse him instead. He is very set in his ways.. It's either breast or he will get someone else to nurse.

What do I do? It is really making me dread childbirth I really don't want any issues

How does he think he is going to make you breastfeed?

I would tell him that, if he wants the baby breastfed for 2 years, he can sort it out himself and leave him to it.. Then I would breastfeed for as long as I wanted to and see what he's managed to sort out by the time I want to give up.

The father of a baby has the right to voice their opinion on this sort of thing but he doesn't have the right to make demands.

Why do women have children with such arseholes?

It's well known that pregnancy/childbirth are often activation triggers, if you like, for some abusive men. The kind that have been making an effort, but now they've got you, and the controlling behaviour is going to kick in.

Once again, don't blame the woman for the fact that her partner has turned out to be a dickhead. You blame him.

Get your ducks in a row. Call your midwife/health visitor/local breastfeeding representative, and tell them about this. Ask what he can do, especially without your consent. Are there even wet nurse services in your area?!

For all you know, you may not even be able to breastfeed at all, some can't. And if he can't lactate on the spot it's none of his business.

inthebond

The op's H is not expressing an opinion, he is telling her what to do.

All 4 of my siblings and I were breastfed til the age of 2+. My mum's best friend ff her 2.

You. Cannot. Tell. The. Difference.

are some of these posts on here for real??? If he was trying to control any other aspect he would not be getting any support!! If he was trying to force the op into getting a section, or to use a particular brand of nappies we would not be even entertaining the idea. Why are we still posting about tha benefits of bf?? We all KNOW but it's not the bloody point! The OP needs support!!! Please please can we stop with the bf benefits and debates its unhelpful!!

Got a plan. Every time baby feeds, get a powerful Hoover and suck his tit in it! For as long as baby feeds. Sure he will get the idea and back down quickly

Your dh sounds like a bully. That's the only way I can describe it.
Breast feeding should be your choice. That is something he cannot impose on you without your permission.
There are choices other than just breast feeding. Fact is the child might come along and you may want to continue breast feeding, your breast might become too painful that you cannot breast anymore, lots of other things can happen and the last thing you need is to feel like you have failed. That is a pressure no mother should go through when they have tried their best. Or have done what they thought was sufficient and best for their child and their mental health. Your mental health is as important. Making you worry can easily lead to postnatal depression because of fear of failure. Or feelings that you have failed.

Thank you lovely ladies so much for your support and replies! I honestly appreciate it. I have spoken to him and said my wishes are solely on formula feeding because I am also going back to university next year so I won't even have time to breastfeed or express my milk days on end, and I am also studying a course while I am off for the year but he isn't having any of it. I cannot wait till my son is here but I am also dreading it because I know my oh is going to be challenging about this :( he believes it is better for the child because it gives them antibodies and also a higher IQ.. Granted that is true but he wants me to do it without bottles.. I just don't know. I feel really low today. :( sorry if I put a downer on your day ladies!
P.s about his mum moving in, I have said absolutely NOT. If she moves in then I am moving out.. Simple as that! I have clearly expressed this to him. He knows I mean it too xx

I'd take your OH to a few antenatal appointments with you. He clearly has some strong opinions but is going about it the wrong way. Ultimately it is your body and your decision. That might not feel fair to him but it also isn't fair that you're the one going through pregnancy and childbirth either. Maybe he's worried he'll be expected to do more if you ff - he can't bf but he can get up in the night with a bottle.

FWIW, I bf til DD was nearly 2yrs. It is restrictive. I couldn't go out without her at all until she was 1 due to frequent feeds, had to always think about what I was wearing (nursing tops etc) and couldn't drink (but not fussed about that anyway). It was MY choice though, not DHs. No one else can tell you to give up your body for that long.

Feed your baby how YOU want to.

a higher IQ. Tell him this is debatable and can't be proven.

OP please do not feel like you have to justify your feeding choice.
The key word is choice.
And the choice you make is not the issue here.

butterfly92 It is your body and your choice how you use it. Starting out breastfeeding for a few weeks and moving to formula can be a good options. It would be worth speaking to a breastfeeding counsellor or midwife about it to ensure you protect your breast health. Stopping to quickly without a plan can lead to pain or blocked ducts for example.

I maybe speaking out of turn but I wondered if your husband Muslim? The Quran says that if an infant is breastfeed it should be breastfeed til two. There are also sections that deal with milk siblings. I only ask as my partner was surprisingly pro wet nursing and it came from from his cultural and religious up bringing.

Inthebond

I found it other way around, dd FF from birth the healthiest easiest baby never ill.

This thread is about the control factor though.

Its their baby, not her baby, and they should make decisions together. Mum has no right to make a unilateral decision than dad.

But, BUT, its her boobs, if she doesn't want to breastfeed, that's the end of it, and the wet nurse suggestion is very silly. Whilst most decisions should be made together, this is one where the mum's decision has to trump all else.

The high iq thing hasn't been proven and even in studies which do show a slightly higher iq in BF babies the difference is minimal, a couple of points at most.

Whirlwind, I also come from a medical family.

"The purpose of infant feeding is to feed the infant. It is not for the greater glory of the mother." Is what the GP in my family says. He feels pressure on mums to BF when they can't or don't want to unhelpful.

He's talking about exactly the kind of bullying self-righteous approach you're taking. Babies thrive on formula.

And banging on about the merits of bf when it looks like OP is married to a medieval lord of the manor is quite beside the point.

Mum has no right to make a unilateral decision than dad

She does wrt breast feeding.

he believes it is better for the child because it gives them antibodies and also a higher IQ

On a population level? Yes. On an individual level? There are a million more factors in a child's IQ and future, and also a lot more to their immune system than the food they receive. DD was formula fed. She's developmentally ahead, but more importantly, she is hardly ever ill. She's 2 and I think she's been properly ill twice - once with a cold, once with a bug, both picked up at nursery. FF children are rarely sickly (anecdotally I know of more kids who were BF that pick up every illness going, but I accept that's just an anecdote).

Ask him to point out which adults in a shop or in public were breastfed. Or if you see a group of kids, ask him to point out the formula fed ones. He won't be able to, because regardless of what some of the arseholes on this thread are telling you, it really isn't a huge thing in the grand scheme of things. You're intending to give your baby the colostrum for the first couple of weeks; that's the most important breastmilk they can get, so that's great!

University with a baby/child is difficult enough (if you need any advice feel free to PM me, been there!), adding breastfeeding into the mix... it'd be really really tough. You have to do what's right for you. Happy mum, happy baby - it's as simple as that.

Well done on commenting without reading my post Drama Queen rolls eyes

Even if the silly wet nurse suggestion were possible i would assume that without the mother's consent it would be illegal?

don't know why I'm even entertaining that ridiculous notion (face palms)

Granted that is true but he wants me to do it without bottles..** Ok, so you will be offering the child breast milk but through the bottle ? That is not formula feeding but breast feeding. He is a dick for being controlling and abusive.

And even if you were using a not formula I would still say he is a dick for being controlling and abusive.

I was AGREEING with you Blueskyrain

Do you have an escape plan op? A little nest egg set aside just for you? Someone you can call for help if you need it?

I would suggest you need one. He might calm down and you might be able to coparent happily. But his controlling behaviour looks bad from the outside.

I would maybe also post in relationships, as I'd think you'll get more help with the relationship and less focus on the boobs.

Did you discuss this before you got pregnant? Or, is this a new development?

I would suggest to him that the two of you talk it through with the midwife at your next appt.

Just nod and agree and 2/3 years down the line, I'm sure he'll chill out... Just don't do it!

Usually works for me anyway.