Being forced to breastfeed

[butterfly92]

Hi everyone. I am due next month and already decided I am going to breastfeed for the first couple of weeks or so then move onto bottles but my OH is absolutely adamant that I am not bottle feeding our baby and that I must continue to breastfeed all the way until he is finished (2 - 3)!

I said sorry that is not happening it is my own personal choice and I am going to formula feed once I have breastfeed for a couple of weeks but then he said if I don't then he will pay for someone else to nurse him instead. He is very set in his ways.. It's either breast or he will get someone else to nurse.

What do I do? It is really making me dread childbirth I really don't want any issues

I agree with you both talking to the midwife and she can keep a very close eye on his behaviour

Also agree about posting in relationships- less about boobs and more about behaviour.

My guess is things might change once the baby is here, its quite tricky to know how you or your partner will feel once the reality of a new born is in your arms.

That said he sounds awful and should not be bullying you or making you feel this way.

I wouldn't discuss it with him again, you have told him your feelings - they are valid and at the end of the day its your body your choice. He is talking absolute rubbish if to suggest someone else will feed your baby!!

What a gobshite. Wonder how he'd feel if it was him who had to breastfeed xx

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen - ah ok. Crossed wires. I thought you just read the first bit, but not the second. Her boobs, her choice :-)

It is your body and your choice. Absolutely. Your 'd'h has no more right to decide whether you breastfeed than he has the right to decide on your behalf when you are allowed to use the bathroom, when you can eat and drink, or when you have sex. This is abuse.

Wet nursing was feasible hundreds of years ago when there was high infant mortality and it wasn't unusual to find a woman whose baby had died recently who needed an income urgently, and when there was such deep poverty that a woman with a live young baby could be desperate enough to make a living to put the needs of her own baby second to the needs of the baby of someone rich. I doubt it is easy in the days of modern medicine and a social security safety net.

Your plan to breastfeed for a few weeks then move to formula is fine. Your baby will get the antibodies and you will get the flexibility you need. It will all be good.

What a dick! I hope you have good support around you. Sounds like you will need it with him.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen - ah ok. Crossed wires. I thought you just read the first bit, but not the second. Her boobs, her choice :-)

Lost in translation.

The fact that he wouldn't even approve of you using bottles with expressed milk suggests it is more about limiting your freedom than his baby getting breastmilk. After all you can't go to uni or out with friends if baby won't take a bottle. Please be careful.

If I were you, I wouldn't mention this again until you have to. If the conversation is raised you need to make it clear to him that you will do whats best for your baby and yourself and that if he tries to do something as stupid as get a wet nurse then you will take whatever steps necessary to stop it.

When the baby is born there will be a myriad of factors that will work into whether or not you breastfeed at all, how long you feed for or of you introduce bottles at some stage.

After the baby is born and you have made your decision (and this is your decision - no harm comes to a child who is properly bottlefed) then inform your partner and demand his support.

If he doesn't give it then he needs to consider the consequences.

Personally, when it came to the crunch, if my DH couldn't support me on my childbirth or feeding choices then I would have to think about the longer term and in the case of getting a wet nurse I would go so far as getting some legal advice - for me it would be that important.

Some men become total tits upon the birth of their firstborn and seem to be trying to establish their 'rights'. It should pass but if it doesnt be prepared for the fight

Due to the controlling nature he is displaying here I would speak to your midwife on your own and explain the situation. They will take note and give you the support you need. they will also be aware of his nature incase it gets worse in anyway. they won't let on you have spoken to them about it either.

Tell him exactly how you he is making you feel

You plan to bf for the first few weeks, after which you can take it one day at a time. Your baby may have other ideas (my 3rd wouldn't/couldn't bf, god knows we tried). This is irrelevant, however, as what he feels about the importance of bf is also irrelevant.

He needs to hear that his attitude is making you dread the birth of your child together. That it may damage your relationship forever. That right now you need his unequivocal support and to know that he respects your decisions about your own body. And that this controlling behaviour is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it on this or any issue.

He sounds controlling and obsessive.

But why are you so against breastfeeding for any length of time? A couple of weeks is not even long enough to properly establish breastfeeding, so you're planning to stop before you've even got going properly. The early days kf breastfeeding can be very hard (I know!) so it seems a shame to only experience the difficult bits and not reap the rewards once becomes easy.
How can you be so opposed to something you've never experienced yet? Breastfeeding is best for babies- do you have very good and unavoidable reasons for not even trying to provide what's best for the baby?
What appeals so much about bottles? Formula is expensive, bottle feeding is a faff (more to take it with you, prep, cleaning.) I don't get why it's a first not last resort for so many people. If you can do it, breast is easy once you get the hang of it).

I think both of you are being unreasonable in different ways. But there's two separate issues- you might be being unreasonable about being so against breast feeding before you've met your baby and given it a proper go, but that doesn't minimise the fact he's very controlling and unsupportive.

Before I had children, I was adamant I would breastfeed. The research is clear and it's way less faff than sterilising bottles etc. I admit I thought FFers were a tad selfish or lazy or both.

Then my DD1 came along. One traumatic birth later, she wouldn't latch. At all. Despite very expensive consultations with lots of experts for months, she just wouldn't do it. I expressed constantly for almost 5 months and plunged myself into the deepest depression. I hated myself for failing my baby and felt like a poor excuse for a mother. I gradually moved onto formula and a cloud lifted. She is now 3 and the brightest little button.

What this has taught me is that what you think before you have children is not the same as what you think once you've had them. In all aspects of parenting.

I would show your OH this thread (or maybe read out the more rational posts!). Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy OP.

A couple of weeks is not even long enough to properly establish breastfeeding, so you're planning to stop before you've even got going properly

So what? The OP can bf or not for as long as she likes.

I can't believe posters who are saying he has a right to an opinion. He doesn't. He's a man. He will never breastfeed. It's up to op and she doesn't want to.end of.

I'm pretty way out on the bfing journey and I've not heard of wet nurses in the UK. As has been said before, I think this is a relationship issue, not a bf/ff issue. To be honest, also, the theories of how one is going to do babies/children can often evaporate pretty fast once the lovely things arrive. :)

OP it's your body and decision.

IMO he has the right to express an opinion on how he prefers the child to be fed, but that's where it stops. He has absolutely no right to force you to do anything. If you don't want to breastfeed, don't breastfeed.

Talking about wet nurses etc is frankly ridiculous, do they even exist?

Sleepybeanbump the OP has already explained why she doesn't want to bf long term, although she shouldn't have to.

I'd have divorced DH for even thinking sthg so Medieval let alone aaying athg so plain evil

This is horrible. Poor you OP. Feed your baby however you see fit.

I bfd all of my DC, with DD2 I had to stop as she had a weak suck, wore herself out and just fed constantly with 5 minute naps in between. At 4 months the HV suggested mixed feeding, DD then refused the breast except at bedtime. Mixed feeding saved her life, I'm quite sure she would have starved to death had I continued to ebf.

It's your body, fuck him.

Latest research shows that what babies eat doesn't make the blindest bit of difference to their sleep. So all this nonsense about Ff babies or early weaned babies sleeping better is wrong.

And Ff babies go longer without feeds because you're feeding then something that they find harder to digest and so take longer to digest because they're not designed to digest it. Which is why I disagree with people saying it's an option in the same way breast is an option. Of course it should be an option for people who have real difficulty breastfeeding, but it shouldn't be seen as an equal option in any other situation. It's not as good.

That said of course if someone (and I have a friend who felt like this) really hated breastfeeding then of course it should also be an option and we shouldn't judge. But i think it's potentially harmful to babies if we have to accept this lets-not-offend-anyone blanket, accross the board dogma that formula and breast are equal choices in all cases no questions asked. If you can breastfeed and don't have any strong feelings about it or difficulties but just don't fancy it, that doesn't seem a good reason to not do what is scientifically best for your baby.

The key thing is formula is perfectly good enough, and a great thing for mothers and babies in many babies, but it's not as good. To say otherwise is factually inaccurate.

butterfly
I feel really low today. sad sorry if I put a downer on your day ladies!

Nope, not at all - you sound like you need some backing up on this and we are very happy to give it.

Maybe show him this article, which examines the strength of the data behind the claims about breastfeeding (and finds that the benefits tend to be overstated). You shouldn't have to justify though - this decision is yours, and if he doesn't like it, he can fuck off, frankly.

its not about BF/FF-

its the fact he is bullying and threatening you when heavily PG

agree mention this to your MW/HV

also google "signs of abusive and controlling relationships" as you might have a problem on your hands- and knowledge is power

please read up and do some research, as it will get worse not better and often starts when the woman is PG

good luck, and if he is a bad un- better you know

Sleepy if the OP had posted to ask about the benefits of bf v ff then your posts would be fine. But she has made her decision and it is clear from her posts that her partner is controlling and emotionally abusive to boot. Why on earth would you think your posts are appropriate in this case?

God there's some shite posts on here!

I breastfed all 5 of my DC and for a long time but that was my choice!
No one,no matter who they were could ever dictate to me how I fed my DC.

Your OH is being an arsehole and honestly I'd be ending the relationship before the baby comes if I were you,if he's being like this now whilst your pregnant things will only get worse once the baby is here OP!