Being forced to breastfeed

[butterfly92]

Hi everyone. I am due next month and already decided I am going to breastfeed for the first couple of weeks or so then move onto bottles but my OH is absolutely adamant that I am not bottle feeding our baby and that I must continue to breastfeed all the way until he is finished (2 - 3)!

I said sorry that is not happening it is my own personal choice and I am going to formula feed once I have breastfeed for a couple of weeks but then he said if I don't then he will pay for someone else to nurse him instead. He is very set in his ways.. It's either breast or he will get someone else to nurse.

What do I do? It is really making me dread childbirth I really don't want any issues

sleepy your posts are really irrelevant and unnecessary.

Hugely pro BF here but your body your choice.
I'd feel frustrated if my partner was unwilling to engage in an informed choice discussion over feeding but it sounds more like this isn't the case? He's sound more like he's being controlling and abusive.

Look up the Duluth Wheel of abuse. Do you recognise any of those issues?

I was browsing a book called men,love and birth by Mark Harris the other day. It did a chapter on breastfeeding . One of the first things he said was about the male respecting the woman's decision to feed or not.

I could tell you my story about feeding, my experiences of returning to uni with a small baby and how we coped as a family. However I don't think it would be particularly helpful right now. The issue is your relationship. I think you need to deeply reflect on whether it's one you should be in.

Please speak to your midwife and also womans aid.

I can't believe posters who are saying he has a right to an opinion. He doesn't. He's a man. He will never breastfeed. It's up to op and she doesn't want to.end of.

Of course he does, don't be ridiculous. Crucially, this discussion should feature as part of the courtship/mating process.

My husband wouldn't have been too impressed had I not attempted BFing because it was something we both felt strongly about and discussed before I got pregnant.

Op just seen your post about studying being your reason. I find expressing a massive massive faff, not fun at all, very time consuming, and pretty uncomfortable. So totally with you in choosing formula over expressed. Tell him that frozen expressed milk loses nutrients to the point that it's no 'better' than formula anyway.

Would you consider BFing a bit long term though to keep your milk supply? Before you know it the baby will only need a morning and bedtime feed which you might find fits around your commitments fine.

I know that about a lot of practical things I was adamant I needed to do things a certain way before the baby actual arrived and then everything is so unlike what you expected you realise you just can't be certain about anything beforehand.

Just a thought though- if you're not returning to uni until next year (am I right?) could you not breast feed for a matter of months rather than weeks until you return? As long as you introduce a bottle in the first couple of months for one feed a day to make sure the baby will accept a bottle, then it should be fine to make the switch later.
You don't have to switch completely early on just because you want to do formula later. Apologies if that's not your logic but that's how I'm reading it...)

Would also recommend that you both discuss this with your midwife, let him explain his plan to her.

And regarding the BF/FF side, generally I find that the women who are most vitriolic and unsupportive when someone chooses to, or needs to, or feels they need to FF are being disks because they are feeling insecure about their own parenting. It makes them feel better about themselves to put others down so they can big themselves up about the one thing they tell themselves they did well at. Best ignored. It's their issues, not yours.

I do think Dad has a right to have a discussion yes and bring his views and research to that. However saying he'd hire a wet nurse and the controlling nature of his threats is more than a discussion. It's dictatorship.

Crucially, this discussion [about breastfeeding] should feature as part of the courtship/mating process.

FFS. I can't decide if some of the posts on this thread are actually serious or not.

I was kidding, Aye, it would be really silly for two people who are considering a baby together to discuss formula vs breastfeeding in advance.

I just can't imagine reading a thread from a pregnant woman in a coercive relationship and chosing to write an essay on why her husband is correct. And lets be clear that bf isn't the issue. Before this it was his mother moving in. Bf is just the latest issue to bully her with. Some posters on here should be ashamed of themselves.

We were all bottle fed in the 70s and some of us are really bloody clever! . The IQ thing is errant nonsense.

Again, get him to bring this up with your midwife - if he won't, he knows how ridiculous he's being.

This is very worrying.

I think you should definitely speak to the midwife about it.

I also worry that even when you get to do it your way - because you will! - he will continue to abuse you by blaming you for every sniffle your DS gets or if he doesn't turn out to have as high an IQ as your partner thinks he should have.

There are plenty of abusive men who blame their partners for "not trying hard enough" re childbirth, breastfeeding, parenting etc every time their child has a setback. (And all children have setbacks.) Sadly it looks likely that your partner might be one of them, and you need to seek help for yourself. I am so sorry.

MuseumOfCurry it's not silly to discuss it however life changes and you never know what is round the corner. I was adamant I would breastfeed unfortunately it wasn't possible. My husband accepted that, he would have accepted and supported me with what ever choice I made. When DC2 was born he didn't want me to even try breastfeeding as he didn't want me to go through the struggles I had with DC1 again. Men can express an opinion but that is all they can do until they can feed the baby themselves.

To be honest - it's impossible to know how you will feel about this until after your baby has arrived. New mums are often surprised to find they feel differently about their plans. Eg Some mums who planned to go back to work full time as soon as possible change their minds and some mums who think they will be a stay at home mum until their child starts school find that they are happier getting out of the home and going to work.

Try to relax as much as possible and wait and see how everything works out and feels for you once your baby has arrived.

The first two weeks of bf-ing are the hardest. After a few weeks it usually gets much easier. It can be more convenient than bottle feeding - no bottles to sterilise or formula to prepare and carry when you go out. Bf-ing is also better for you as well as your baby. It reduces the chances of getting some breast cancers.

TBH I think you both need to have a stand down, until the baby arrives neither of you know how you Baby Butterfly will get on breast feeding, he/she may have poor latch, you may get mastitis on day 3 (like me) and struggle to produce milk OR you and baby might get on with it great and choose to do it for longer.

Change the conversation to "lets see how we get on" rather than the rigid 2 weeks/2 year argument. You both need to chill.

In an ideal world I wanted to breast feed for a year, most people at my midwife led Ante Natal class did. I only kept it up for an exhausting 6 weeks due to Mastitis.

rogueantimatter nailed it....

I agree the Breast feeding is simpler, no spillage, no bibs, no bottles, no steriliser etc etc

Agreed, Aye. See my post about infant feeding not being for the greater glory of the mother.

OP, I've been reading your previous thread about your DH wanting your MIL to take over the house once the baby is born.

Be very careful. I had a friend also married to a man from a culture with very different attitudes. Her DH said he'd support her plans (uni, career) until she was safely "trapped" with a baby. After that it all went out of the window. He treated her like a woman from his own culture. Bullying, then violence, eventually divorce. Don't back down over any of this or he will only demand more and more concessions.

Another person saying talk to someone you know about his controlling behaviour. It's not good. He has no right to demand you do anything. It is your body.
I am pro breastfeeding but Pro YOUR CHOICE with your body before anything else.
Where does he draw the line? Deciding which food you eat now while pregnant so the baby has "the best nutrition"? Controlling which food you eat and drink when breastfeeding? What you wear ... how long you sleep ... where .... etc ...etc ... not on.
So sorry you are feeling down at a time when you should be SO excited and delighted at meeting your baby.

arfarfarf, I agree - I don't see how he could possibly carry through on the threat. The problem is that there's a threat at all - relationships shouldn't work like that.

No she shouldn't back away from this discussion for a wait and see how she feels when baby is her.
She'll be more vulnerable- tired and hormonal and her partner have a greater hold over her!

Why are posters talking about how the OP might feel differently/how BF has X benefits yada yada yada you are all spectacularly missing the point.

This isn't about whether the OP might feel differently when the time comes. She may well do. But that is entirely relevant to this discussion. the point here is that at the moment the OP has said that as she currently feels, she would like to BF for a couple of weeks and then switch to formula. Her reasons are irrelevant, her understanding of whether she will change her mind or not is irrelevant. The only thing that is relevant here is the fact that her partner, the one who is supposed to be her supporter, has unilaterally decided that he will not allow his child to be bottle fed, and that if the OP dares to go against his wishes he will essentially take her baby away from her and will give it to someone else to feed it according to his wishes.

This is the only thing that matters. OP, it is your body, and your choice. no-one has the right to decide how you feed your baby. In fact if you left him he would be likely to be given limited access on the basis that the baby needs its mother most in the first few months of life.

You are in control here OP. Don't discuss it with him again, but do discuss it with your midwife because she will likely put a marker on your file that there is potential abuse at play here, and she and your HV can give you the relevant support to feed your baby according to your wishes.

As for the preachers on this thread, go and take your "breast is best" research and preach it somewhere else. .

Breastfeeding can be extremely difficult for the first few weeks so you should tell your OH that your baby will have the best chance of being successfully breastfed if he actively helps you. By actively helping I mean him doing whatever you feels is most helpful to you - running around after you, encouraging, sympathising, bringing you plenty of drinks etc. A relaxed mum is best for the baby.

He can have an opinion about feeding methods, but it's unacceptable for him to threaten, coerce or intimidate. He's not having a calm discussion where he listens to his partners feelings and takes them into account. He's trying to bully the OP in order to get his way. It's absurd because I really can't see how he's planning on getting a wet nurse. Just like the MIL moving in situation, I would make it clear that you'll be moving out with the baby if he attempts to put his plan into action.

I'm very pro-bf - DS2 has only just self weaned at almost 3 - but a woman's decision about breastfeeding her baby isn't something that should be forced on her by anyone.

It's her body, her breasts, her decision. Fathers expressing a preference about infant feeding is one thing, but trying to force their preference on the mother just isn't on.
When men start lactating and producing breastmilk, then they can insist that the baby's breastfed and take over if the mum doesn't want to do it for whatever reason. Not before then. Insisting that the baby mustn't have any formula regardless of the mother's feelings is just going to cause distress all round.

And I've never heard of wet nurses in the UK in modern times. I know they were commonplace 100 or more years ago, back before safe formula milk was developed, but i'd be surprised if one could be easily found these days.

Agree it might be helpful to discuss with the midwife / HV. I'd be inclined to have a word privately without your DH first though - if they misread the situation as you being ambivalent about breastfeeding and start talking about the benefits of breastfeeding rather than about how it's your choice, your DH might try and use that as ammunition to bully you into breastfeeding.

Well said WannaBe.