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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

The old partners on wards debate - a question

430 replies

Thurlow · 30/06/2016 13:44

If your hospital allowed partners to stay on the postnatal wards overnight, how many women do you think actually made use of this?

I was debating this with DP the other day. Personally I hate the idea of partners being allowed overnight (and will pay for a private room on the unlikely chance one is available, as will be having an ELCS and so will be in for a few nights) but that's what is allowed now so I'll just have to put up with it.

DP wasn't keen on staying overnight and I can't say I'd blame him. I'd rather at least one of us got some sleep and was functioning ok the next day. Plus DC1 will presumably be returning from the grandparents after a day or so and will need taking to school and having some normality in her life, and I don't want both of us to be zombies. He would only stay overnight if my ELCS was bumped to very late in the day.

I was thinking that surely a lot of women will already have DC and so their partner won't be able to stay every night for a few nights. Or did most women have partners there all the time?

OP posts:
WellErrr · 01/07/2016 14:38

The bottom line is, hospital wards are for patients to recover.

There is NO PLACE for random strange men to be sleeping in the same room as vulnerable women with intimate health issues. It would not be tolerated anywhere else.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 01/07/2016 14:45

Well said WellErr!

GnomeDePlume · 01/07/2016 15:13

After DC3 was born I was waiting to be discharged. A woman came in with her newborn twins, her older DD (about 3) and her puffed up, obnoxious, arse of a husband. He was shouting the odds to anyone who would listen. His noise and pomposity meant that there were two midwives engaging with him. Nobody was dealing with his wife and he wasnt dealing with his DD who was desperate for the toilet. It ended up with me taking her to the toilet as her father was too taken up with his own importance.

I am enormously glad I was getting out of hospital that day as I didnt want to spend the day with him there let alone a night.

HCPs wont mean to be distracted by the 'he who shouts loudest' but in reality they will be. There will be rules about partners not using toilets/showers on the wards but in the middle of the night with little security to hand a blind eye will be turned. Belligerent, rude partners will be tolerated to try to keep the noise down.

WomanActually · 01/07/2016 15:26

Would the increase in numbers of non patients on wards increase the risk of spreading infections to new mums and babies? It's not something I'd thought of but sister told me today that when she had dd2 she noticed several partners not washing their hands after using patient toilet, coughing and sneezing into hands and then touching doors etc, automatic gel dispensers were available but she said hardly any visitors used them. She's convinced that's why she ended up with d and v a few days after giving birth.

GnomeDePlume · 01/07/2016 15:57

The people around in the night will be the same as in the day but there is a risk that in the night people will be more careless of hygiene as they are tired. There is also a risk that the partners not wanting to disturb anyone will tend not to wash hands as much etc.

However, I think that the overall risk is probably marginal.

MissBattleaxe · 01/07/2016 16:08

The bottom line for me is that women's right to safe medical care trumps privacy

No! The women's right to privacy must be protected AND they must have safe medical care.

Nothing, but nothing should trump a patient's right to privacy. They should never be mutually exclusive and it should never involve having partners staying on communal wards. That will lead to reducing staffing even more.

We need more staff. Higher ratios of staff to mothers. We also need post natal patients to be given the same respect as other patients who get privacy, care and respect.

When I've just had a 10lb baby surgically removed, I expect to be treated as well , if not better than a tonsillectomy patient. I do not want to recover with strange men sleeping on the ward with me.

GnomeDePlume · 01/07/2016 16:37

Something I would have missed when my DCs were born if partners had stayed was that brief period of camaraderie with other women who had just given birth. Having partners there changes the dynamic. Women will tend not to talk so openly if their and other people's partners are there.

Not a major thing but even now 16+ years on I can remember what the different wards were like, the women I was sharing with.

Dangermouse1 · 01/07/2016 16:47

Sorry I can't stay around for the flack this will no doubt produce but I really feel being left to cope alone in hospital for 3 nights sent me into post natal depression and also impacted on my physical health. And my baby slept all day and I was constantly disturbed by other visitors (random family members of other women not partners), but I don't for a minute think they should have been banned from the ward. Being socially isolated at that stage is really bad.

bruffin · 01/07/2016 16:56

Me to Gnomedeplume
I shared a ward with a woman whose baby died at birth. She invited me to bring my baby to see her a few months later. There are 5 or 6 that stick out in my mind 20 years later.

OlennasWimple · 01/07/2016 16:57

Flowers Dangermouse - I think I could have been vulnerable to PND also if I had had to stay on the ward without support also - I was completely shell-shocked postpartum

Stinkingbishopess · 01/07/2016 17:06

I got discharged too early with DC1 through lying about various health issues. I was then re admitted which was soul destroying. The reason I lied to leave was because of other peoples' visitors making my stay an utter misery.

I am so glad I will never be going through that again.

pillowaddict · 01/07/2016 17:13

After having dd1 I was moved into a private room after a couple of days (she was jaundiced and I was torn to bits!!) and DH was allowed to stay then. I was so relieved as I was seriously in pain and he could bring dd to me to save me getting in and out of bed etc. However I don't see how it would have worked on the ward.

allegretto · 01/07/2016 17:22

I sent my dh home after my csection as I thought it was better for him to grt a good night's sleep but i didnt have the babies with me as they were in nicu. I didnt like having men on the ward tbh. It was very difficult to establish breastfeeding and i felt too uncomfortable expressing in front of strangers which made me give up

CuppaBiccieBliss · 01/07/2016 17:29

My dp stayed with me after dd2 but it was all arranged before hand as I have ptsd. We were guaranteed a private room with a shower and toilet. Dp never left that room at night as he didn't want to be on the wars when other dad's weren't allowed.

GnomeDePlume · 01/07/2016 17:36

Bruffin, there is something about that brief intense period straight after DCs are born. I knew I was going to be on maternity leave for only a few weeks so was never part of the NCT/Baby class gang. When I was having no.3 the lady in the next bed was having her second child after her first had been stillborn. We talked for several hours about hopes and fears in the way you can only do when talking to strangers.

SpeakNoWords · 01/07/2016 17:49

The hospital where I've just had an EMCS trialled partners staying overnight on the large and busy post natal ward. After the trial and feedback, they reverted back to normal visiting hours for partners (11am till 11pm), as the feedback from the patients was that partners staying overnight made too many of them feel vulnerable and intimidated. I am very grateful that they reverted back to visiting hours tbh. All the doctors rounds, drug rounds etc were done before 11am, and you could have breakfast and use the showers in the morning in relative peace before partners arrived.

Allowing partners to stay should not be used as a quick fix solution to poor staffing levels. It's deeply unfair to those who don't have a partner who can stay, plus it is hugely problematic for those women who would find sharing a space with male strangers intimidating and distressing (for valid reasons).

Lurkedforever1 · 01/07/2016 18:13

dangermouse I genuinely do sympathise. But if my ward had allowed partners to stay overnight I couldn't have mentally coped either. And I doubt any hospital would allow a young new mother to discharge herself whilst highly distressed and go home with a newborn and no support, and a psychotic ex on the prowl. So I'd have been forced to stay, and not cope. My parenting would have started as a complete fuck up, rather than the positive experience it has been.

expatinscotland · 01/07/2016 20:09

'The bottom line for me is that women's right to safe medical care trumps privacy. '

My safe medical care includes my right to privacy because if I were subjected to being told I was to share a ward with 4 non-patient strange men I'd have discharged myself no matter how against medical advice.

MissBattleaxe · 01/07/2016 20:38

expat- I agree.

I would refuse to stay as well. I'd be crawling out if I couldn't run out. Such an intrusion.

becciandbump · 01/07/2016 21:27

I really don't have a problem with dads being allowed to stay I actually think it's quite nice if they are prepared to help out. My sister had quite poor care after her emergency c section she couldn't do much for herself and buzzers took ages to be answered she advised me that if the hospital I give birth in allows partners to ensure he stays to help until I feel able to manage

RufusTheReindeer · 01/07/2016 21:35

Agree with wellerr and many other posters on here who think that partners staying overnight is a bad idea

No other ward (with the exception of childrens wards, which is completely different in my opinion) would let this happen

WellErrr · 01/07/2016 21:39

Reading all these I also pleased my hospital seems quite woman centred. Visiting hours for partners are 12.30 to 8.30pm and one hour after lunch and one after dinner for other visitors.
I had a lovely relaxing time with all the curtains open, chatting to the other women on the ward in relative quiet and all enjoying our new babies.
Add 6 strange men and it would have been noisier, busier, more intimidating and a completely different atmosphere and dynamic.

I'm pregnant now and have broached this subject with a few of the midwives and students. It's been a unanimous 'not on our watch' re men staying.
If they ever tried to implement it in my HCT I would campaign strongly against it.

WellErrr · 01/07/2016 21:45

And all those posters who wouldn't mind - would you mind 5 strange men sitting in the communal changing rooms at the swimming baths?
If you walked into the ladies loos and there were a couple of random men leaning on the sinks, would you be totally comfortable continuing?
If some randomer's partner wanted to sit in on your next smear test (sitting up against the curtain) and read the paper or talk on his phone, would that be ok?
Would you feel comfortable with same randomer's partner sitting in the corner on your next antenatal appointment as you talk about your last birth and wishes for this one?

It's NO DIFFERENT.

A hospital is a place for patients to recover in dignity and privacy. It's not a spectator sport.

McNally · 01/07/2016 22:03

I had a near-identical experience to that of TwoDrifters. (I hope your baby is doing well now, by the way) I spent ten days on the post-natal ward. Partners were allowed to stay and mine did, sleeping on a chair. It was far from ideal for him but his support was invaluable. Only the women were allowed to use the bay toilets and showers. All visitors had to, and did, use the visitors toilets and had to go elsewhere (home) for a shower. The post-natal ward was noisy, but I don't remember that being from male partners, it was day visitors and the women themselves.

I can totally sympathise with people not wanting men to be there. Having a partner there when there has been a traumatic delivery or post natal complications with mother or baby can be invaluable however. Clearly, the ideal situation is for there to be private facilities but I'm not sure that'll happen any time soon. My baby was in NICU for five days before we got moved off the ward.

LuluJakey1 · 01/07/2016 22:17

We had a private room and DH stayed. He went down to Marks and Spencer and got us a picnic and we just sat looking at DS and having our picnic about half 8 - we were elated, exhausted and shell-shocked really.

I was allowed home the next day so it was just the one night.