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Childbirth

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Original poster

Men staying overnight on postnatal wards

465 replies

quesadillas · 10/07/2015 14:52

Hi,

I'm getting myself really worked up about what seems to be an increasing trend for men to be able to stay overnight on postnatal wards. Last time I gave birth, men weren't allowed to stay. But I'm pretty sure that my hospital now allows it. This really bothers me. I found the postnatal ward absolute hell last time, begged to leave as early as possible , even though I knew I wasn't ready, and I ended up being re admitted. It was just a horrendous experience. This time I'm pregnant with twins, and the hospital have said that although I'd be a priority for a private room,there's absolutely no guarantee and there's probably more chance I'll be on the ward. I simply cannot imagine having visitors there 24 hours a day when I'm trying to get my head round having twins and feeding twins, and after a c-section. The woman in the neighbouring bed last time had her partner there at visiting hours and he was a nightmare. Loud, demanding of the staff (for him, not her) and thoroughly unpleasant sounding. I admit this may be affecting my views.

Did you have men on the ward 24 hours a day when you gave birth? How was it? Am I being ridiculous? And am I actually within my rights to refuse to spend a night in a room with members of the opposite sex, given that if I was having my tonsils out, it wouldn't be allowed?

Getting myself too worked up, need to get a grip!

OP posts:
summersnowshowers · 14/07/2015 13:27

My hospital has relatively long visiting hours for fathers but thankfully doesnt allow overnights.

I say this as someone who was dumped on a ward after an emcs and 40 hrs in labour- yes i would have loved my husband there but it wouldnt have been appropriate. And he's lovely- spent all his visiting time making cups of tea for the other ladies etc but i still don't think its right that he would be there overnight.

After my dd i was left pretty immobile- couldnt reach my buzzer and was covered in my own sick/blood etc. The midwives left my curtains open so i had to whip my gown off in full view of the ward as well as everyone being able to see my catheter etc- not something id be happy with in a room full of men!

dancinglorna1984 · 14/07/2015 13:28

Indeed bruffin, any extra visitors not just men.

dancinglorna1984 · 14/07/2015 13:29

Abbeyroadcrossing I was just referring to general visiting at that point.

PandasRock · 14/07/2015 13:31

I had dd2 (by c section) at 10.40pm. I had a woozy 30 mins in recovery with her and dh, and then we were sent off to the ward. Dh was sent home - he'd barely held her - and told not to return before 2pm the next day.

I was left, post section, on a broken bed which couldn't be raised up. Dd2 was taken off me and put in her fish-bowl, as they 'couldn't leave her tucked in with me in case I dropped her'. All well and good, except they didn't blinking answer my bell to get her passed back to me when she stirred, and I couldn't get her due to broken bed and not being able to sit up.

In fact, at about 2am, I was told that they were taking dd2 off to the nursery because having her near me was disturbing me and I wasn't getting any rest (well, ummm, I would have done if they'd've just given her to me!). And off they went. And I couldn't raise merry hell as I would have disturbed everyone else on the ward.

I didn't see her again until just before 6am. A bf newborn who had hardly been fed at all. God knows what they did with her. She was (unsurprisingly Hmm) jittery, and couldn't latch by that point. Her blood sugar had crashed. Onus to hand express colostrum and she was fed it by syringe, just to get her strength up.

All because of crap care and crap resources.

If dh had been able to stay, and doze quietly by my bed for a few hours, all that could have been avoided.

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 14/07/2015 13:32

Same as summer I had to have curtains open after premature baby, 4 blood transfusions and emcs. So as lovely as your DHs / DPs are I didn't like having my maternity mat changed etc in front of them.
I don't see how that's oversensitive. Many women don't show their hair to strange men - I'm talking about my boobs and genitals!
As for a private room iirc it was £400 per night at my place so total bill would've been £3200. Lucky for you if you can afford it. It's a moot point anyway as you aren't allowed a private room or curtains closed the first night after an emergency like mine as they need to be able to observe you.

dancinglorna1984 · 14/07/2015 13:36

That's awful PandasRock, sorry to hear you had such a bad experience.

MonstrousRatbag · 14/07/2015 13:38

Monstrous- it's not about whether the men are awful, its the inhibition of having strangers around overnight or even all day long when you're on a hospital ward recovering.

Yes, thank you, I do get that, and as you can see from my previous post I'm very anti having them there myself. I was responding to the OP where the OP said her experience was of a horrible man and that was affecting her views.

PandasRock · 14/07/2015 13:43

Oh, it's a long time ago now, lorna, but thank you. Dd2 is now 9, and currently pestering her baby brother (3 - we virtually remortgaged to go private when I had him, to avoid a repeat) and all is absolutely fine. I went on to bf her for 18 months, but it was really tricky getting established due to her bad start (she was syringe fed for the first few days, then resisted latching as the syringe was easier, and it very nearly became a vicious circle).

I do understand how other people feel re: men on the wards outside visiting hours. But, given the time I had dd2, you would think here would be a procedure in place for those first few hours - to give me time to come round properly, and a couple of hours to get my strength up enough to resist clearly bonkers advice from the nurses - rather than effectively abandoning me in a corner unable to move, and whisking dd2 off against my wishes when I couldn't resist.

bruffin · 14/07/2015 13:47

As for a private room iirc it was £400 per night at my place so total bill would've been £3200

At that rate my bill would have been £20,000Shock

Original poster
quesadillas · 14/07/2015 13:48

But if you accept all men (or any visitors) being there all the time, you accept that although the majority would be perfectly respectful, the minority wouldn't. And that small minority are the issue. I'm certainly not tarring all men with the same brush. Yes, there was a twat of a man on the ward last time. The fact that I still remember it suggests that it was a real problem. And I'm no sensitive little flower, as was suggested above.

I just don't understand why it'a appropriate to see a GP in a private office, but maternity wards seem to be becoming less private. GPs might be more efficient if they just chatted to patients in the waiting room, let's try it!

OP posts:
Original poster
quesadillas · 14/07/2015 13:48

But if you accept all men (or any visitors) being there all the time, you accept that although the majority would be perfectly respectful, the minority wouldn't. And that small minority are the issue. I'm certainly not tarring all men with the same brush. Yes, there was a twat of a man on the ward last time. The fact that I still remember it suggests that it was a real problem. And I'm no sensitive little flower, as was suggested above.

I just don't understand why it'a appropriate to see a GP in a private office, but maternity wards seem to be becoming less private. GPs might be more efficient if they just chatted to patients in the waiting room, let's try it!

OP posts:
Notgoodwithwords · 14/07/2015 13:48

I think this new policy is very wrong.. When I had dd2 by emc she was extremely poorly from birth she was resuscitated 4 times in theatre & then intubated & whisked away, I hadn't even seen her & had no idea if I would see her alive.. DH was not allowed to stay past visiting hours.. DD was transferred during the night to a specialist hospital still DH wasn't allowed to even bring me the Polaroid photo that the transfer team took of her until the next morning... Utterly horrific & lonely time for me.

When I had DS now 3.. I don't think it was official policy to allow partners to stay overnight but woman in next bed had her husband stay for 2 nights.. When I complained that I felt vulnerable especially after a CSection I was told he was translating for her. I also pointed out that visitors are not permitted to use the patient toilet in the ward & he was doing so which I was very opposed to the midwife in charge said "I have told him, but he doesn't understand much English "!!not sure how he was supposed to translate then. Hmm

sparechange · 14/07/2015 13:51

I'm afraid it is something that is supported by the Royal College of Midwives and the Department of Health, and the latter have been providing funding for reclining chairs for post natal wards, specifically for fathers to stay overnight

www.guysandstthomas.nhs.uk/news-and-events/2014-news/20140619-new-chairs-for-dads.aspx

dancinglorna1984 · 14/07/2015 13:54

One of my family members also had a very traumatic time caused by things being missed prior to delivery and decided not to have any more children partly because of this experience.

I remember how fragile her husband was after he got sent away for the night and she was left on her own with their baby after an EMCS and blood transfusions etc. I know it would have meant the world to both of them if he could have stayed longer to see his wife and child.

MissBattleaxe · 14/07/2015 13:59

I think if there is an issue with other patients having support available then private rooms seem the most sensible option.

Great . Yep. Ok. Who's paying for the private rooms then? Or is it just the people with money who can buy the kind of privacy that should be a right?

Also- sometimes private rooms are all occupied even if you wave your chequebook.

The cheapest idea and most equal idea is postnatal wards with no overnight visitors.

BTW Sorry Monstrous, I wasn't disagreeing with you, I can see what you were saying.

cjt110 · 14/07/2015 14:00

On our labour ward, a partner could stay but were not guaranteed a bed. On the birth center, thy could stay and also got given a camp bed.

dancinglorna1984 · 14/07/2015 14:04

I wouldn't pay for a private room as the price is extortionate but then I wouldn't have an issue being on a ward with other patients partners staying over so a private room wouldn't be necessary.

MonstrousRatbag · 14/07/2015 14:14

The trouble with private rooms is that, while you are spared the noise of the ward and other people being foul, you are even more easily forgotten and neglected there than in the thick of things. It isn't necessarily the safest choice for someone who needs frequent monitoring.

BlisterFace · 14/07/2015 14:16

In most other countries (in fact, all of those of which I am aware) maternity provision is all private rooms so there is no additional cost attached. Surely this is what we should be aiming for in the UK? (To be fair, I understand the new Royal Liverpool is entirely individual rooms, which is a belated step in the right direction).

This is the only way to satisfy both ends of the argument - it is eminently reasonable to want a partner there, but not at the expense of other women's privacy.

RabidFairy · 14/07/2015 14:22

Threads like these make me thankful of my local NHS trust, which is brilliant. I've been in two hospitals over the last 6 years. Had DC1 in the first hospital, which had visiting hours of 9-9 for dads and two hour long periods for other visitors. Had DC2 in the same hospital, but was discharged after a few hours as all was well. Had DC3 recently at the local MLU, but after a PPH I was blue lighted to the bigger hospital where I spent 2 nights. I arrived at hospital at 1:30 AM and was put in a room which I believe was on an assessment unit. Stayed there til 10 AM when I was moved onto a ward. This meant DH could stay with me during the first night, which was handy as I had a cannula in my elbow and couldn't bend my arm while I was on a drip so needed help to position DD for breast feeding. The timing also meant that DH could stay on the ward as again the partner visiting hours were 9-9.

The second night (like with my first DC) was horrible and hard; DD screamed most of the night (sorry fellow ward mums) and we ended up taking a trip down to see a paediatrician around 4AM as she was in such distress. Would have loved to have my DH with me then, but I didn't need him there as such.

MaliceInWonderland78 · 14/07/2015 14:34

In an ideal world everyone would have a private room. For those prepared/able to pay, it's still (usually) an opition.

Whilst I accept that people's behaviour might cause an issue (that's something else all together and needs to be dealt with) I wouldn't want to be separated from my family just on account of my gender - something over which I have no control.

FreeButtonBee · 14/07/2015 14:45

yes, I was in a private room following section with twins. DH sent home as soon as we were transferred to the ward (it was pretty late by then) and I was left in a room alone with twin babies. buzzer answered very infrequently if at all. How we all made it to morning alive I've no idea. I have only the haziest recollection and woke up with both of them in the bed with me. Frightening...

BlisterFace · 14/07/2015 15:03

No, Malice - it doesn't only happen in an "ideal" world. It happens in this world. Specifically, every part of the developed world seems to offer individual rooms to new mothers (and other patients, but I realise that is a different thread).

I would be really interested to know whether a hospital or Trust could be held liable if it allowed (say) a sex offender on a shared ward, and a woman was assaulted. Is the onus on the hospital to check this out? Don't they have enough to do? If the hospital is found to be negligent in its duty of care to the patient, then liability for that negligence cannot be excluded. Bringing one's relatives to hospital to provide care that should be routinely available is the thin end of a very unpleasant wedge.

I am also slightly uncomfortable with the whole "nobody separates me from my family" nonsense being spouted by some. I love my DH dearly, but we know from experience that neither of us turns into a pumpkin if we spend a night under a different roof. Some of these "lovely" husbands don't sound as though they give a flying fuck about the needs or privacy of women whom they don't happen to be related to.

dancinglorna1984 · 14/07/2015 15:14

Has anyone actually said ''nobody seperates me from my family''?

Also, I think it is wrong to assume that some of these 'lovely' husbands don't give a flying about the privacy of women.

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 14/07/2015 15:21

I would've liked to have stayed with my mum when she had cancer, but as already highlighted patients have the right to privacy, quiet time to rest (OK, postnatal ward is difficult for this anyway but doubling the people overnight doesn't help), and adequate infection control (again, can't be fully controlled but additional people make it more difficult).

There were women attacked on the other thread, one sexual and quite a few experienced aggressive behaviour. I didn't experience any directly at me but could hear a man being very cruel to his partner which was sad, and another saying that the babies should shut the fuck up - think it was directed to his own, but not sure. I'm trying to find the other thread but can't - wondering if it was in chat?

Also really sorry for those that experienced poor care. I did too. But we really need better care as not everyone has a family member that is able to do it. And many tasks e.g. changing a drip, need fully trained staff to do. If it becomes the norm for your family to provide hospital care, what happens to those on their own? Or those whose partners have to return to work after paternity leave? Those with kids at home? Etc...