Men staying overnight on postnatal wards

[quesadillas]

Hi,

I'm getting myself really worked up about what seems to be an increasing trend for men to be able to stay overnight on postnatal wards. Last time I gave birth, men weren't allowed to stay. But I'm pretty sure that my hospital now allows it. This really bothers me. I found the postnatal ward absolute hell last time, begged to leave as early as possible , even though I knew I wasn't ready, and I ended up being re admitted. It was just a horrendous experience. This time I'm pregnant with twins, and the hospital have said that although I'd be a priority for a private room,there's absolutely no guarantee and there's probably more chance I'll be on the ward. I simply cannot imagine having visitors there 24 hours a day when I'm trying to get my head round having twins and feeding twins, and after a c-section. The woman in the neighbouring bed last time had her partner there at visiting hours and he was a nightmare. Loud, demanding of the staff (for him, not her) and thoroughly unpleasant sounding. I admit this may be affecting my views.

Did you have men on the ward 24 hours a day when you gave birth? How was it? Am I being ridiculous? And am I actually within my rights to refuse to spend a night in a room with members of the opposite sex, given that if I was having my tonsils out, it wouldn't be allowed?

Getting myself too worked up, need to get a grip!

Sorry, that went too soon.

I do understand how you feel about not wanting other people there overnight. But with twins, you may want an extra pair of hands and whilst the midwives try their best, short staffing means it can be an absolute nightmare overnight. My husband wasn't allowed to stay overnight, and I had two of the most awful nights of my life on the postnatal ward without him. Him being able to stay would have made a huge difference to us; I look back at the first few days of DDs life with horror because of my experiences. However, I would have hated to have a loud, inconsiderate person next to me if they were staying with someone else. It is not an easy one.

Babybear9 Vey well said. I didn't stay with my wife becasue I wasn't allowed to (3 babies at 2 different hospitals). For our first DD she'd have liked me to stay and came home from hospital earlier than she ought to have becasue she wasn't getting the support she needed. I don't think it's right to ban ALL men from overnight stays.

It's not right that I (or my wife come to that) should be punished because of someone else's prejudice; regardless of whether it's founded in previous experience.

Can you not see that this puts men at a real disadvantage. That time immediately after the birth was really improtant (for all of us) I missed out on some of it but was waiting like one of pavlov's dogs at the door because of hospital policy.

I've got no problem with men staying if they stay in the rooms and use the visitors facilities (so patients don't have to wait for the disabled shower) and don't do any bad things (have you SEEN the other thread?) but it's unfair on patients and midwives to have to police behaviour when the focus should be on patients and babies.
The thing is everyone thinks their DH / DP is lovely and yours probably are, but in a huge ward of 30+ if you are in for weeks there's bound to be some that aren't.
If this is going to be the norm they perhaps need 2 wards one mixed and one single sex so there is choice.

Men staying is prefectly acceptable IF all rooms are private. Having men stay on already crowded wards is incomprehensibly vile - shared wards themselves have been abolished in most countries FGS, never mind stuffing them full of 50% more random people than is absolutely necessary. I would not be willing to stay in one and would kick up an almighty fuss.

Men staying should not be necessary - it's a fig leaf to cover up the wider problem of not enough staff and inability to cope with demand for maternity services.

never mind stuffing them full of 50% more random people than is absolutely necessary

And the case for the prosecution rests! Prat!

I would check with the hospital. No partners were allowed to stay on the shared ward when I had ds. Partners were however(mine was the second night) allowed to stay in the private rooms with their partner if there were special circumstances only.

OP back again. Glad to see there's some debate still being had on this, and glad to see that most seem to feel as I do. I'll be speaking to my midwife this afternoon, and asking about this is on my very long list of questions for her. A friend told me at the weekend that a friend of hers gave birth a few months ago at my hospital, and 24 hour visitors were allowed, so it looks likely.

None of the pro-visitors staying comments have swayed me one little bit, although they have been interesting to read, and some points made I can understand. When I am in hospital with my babies, we are the patients. We should not have to have anybody (other than other patients who also have to be there) overhearing any conversations with medical staff. It's a privacy issue. My mother was recently in hospital with a bad knee. Why does she get to discuss her knee in private, yet women are expected to discuss their breasts, vaginal bleeding, toilet habits and C-section wounds with people around? Not fair. Allowing visitors 24 hours is an attempt at a solution for a staffing problem, but that doesn't mean it should be allowed.

Private rooms, don't care if somebody has their entire extended family and all their friends in there. As long as they're reasonably quiet.

I don't think it is an attempt to solve a staffing issue. If anything, I suspect it puts more pressure on staff.

For me it's about marginalising men at a very important time. Men must be given the opportunity to fully participate. If that comes at the cost of some woemn feeling uncomfortable, then that's regrettable, but a price well worth paying.

That's not to say that inappropriate behaviour should be tolerated.

Frankly OP (and of course you're perfectly entitled to start the thread - and I don't mean this in as nasty a way as it sounds) it makes no difference what your veiws or preferences are. The rules are the rules (for better or worse) Try not to let this impact what should be a happy and joyous time. I hope your husband/partner can particpate in a meaningful way. It should be a time of great joy for BOTH of you.

never mind stuffing them full of 50% more random people than is absolutely necessary

And the case for the prosecution rests! Prat!

Well, you sound nice! To you, your husband may not be a "random person" but that is exactly what he he is to me. (And vice versa). 6 women, 6 babies and 6 men in a small, overheated space sounds like hell on earth to me. There is no space and (I assume) no facilities. I have worked all over the world and the only place I have heard it suggested that this is okay in fucking shared wards is the UK - with its over-stretched maternity services. I think this is not a coincidence.

Never mind marginalising men, I expect that most of them will be able to catch up on what they have missed at some point over the next 18 years or so

The only consideration (to my mind) is supporting women to look after their babies, not making them feel stressed, awkward and uncomfortable. Why is my view or the OP's less valid than yours? If this happened, I might have to take the very unusual step of pleading my Islamic faith to protect my "modesty" Sorry but only over my dead body would I accept this.

Malice, I couldn't disagree more. Men can spend all the time they want with their child when the child is home. Post natal is for recovering mothers to recover in privacy and peace before they are well enough to go home.

The priority is the patient and her baby, not the rights or preferences of other patient's partners, or indeed other patients who want their partners to stay. It's usually only for a few nights at most. Patients come first. They are recovering from physical and medical procedures and trauma.

Turn it round for a minute. Would men like it if they had strangers wives sleeping in chairs next to them on the prostate ward? The post natal ward is far too intimate with frequent breastfeeding and internal examinations.

Recovering mothers are absolutely entitled to privacy and I am disgusted that these rights are even being questioned.

Men must be given the opportunity to fully participate. If that comes at the cost of some woemn feeling uncomfortable, then that's regrettable, but a price well worth paying.

IMHO it most certainly is not "a price worth paying". You have ample opportunity to be involved without compromising the comfort, security and dignity of other women on the ward. It is not about you.

All of the stories on here where a partner was desperately needed on the post natal ward are indicators of poor care, not getting water or food, not getting assistance to shower. FFS.

Exactly Nicky. "Suck it up ladies, try not to bleed on the floor or flash your norks or cry too much - because it's SO important for men to participate at this precious time". Possibly the most regressive viewpoint I have ever seen expressed on MN.

How about a decent level of privacy (i.e. individual rooms) for everyone before we let the bloody men in?!

I am very disappointed that my DH will not be allowed to stay with me and the baby when I go into hospital but that is our local hospital rules. I am therefore envious of people who can have their partners stay with them. The more I read this thread the more it seems that men are generally seen as loud, snoring, insensitive, obnoxious etc. Shame. My DH is none of those things and I would be livid if he was thrown into that category.

dancing- I'm sure your DH is lovely, but he's still a stranger to the woman in the next bed who needs to discuss post partum bleeding, constipation and sore nipples with medical staff.

For me it's about marginalising men at a very important time. Men must be given the opportunity to fully participate. If that comes at the cost of some woemn feeling uncomfortable, then that's regrettable, but a price well worth paying.

For me it's yet another case of men encroaching on women only spaces. I'm sick of it.

Try not to let this impact what should be a happy and joyous time.

Eventually having my babies will be joyous. In the short term, premature twins, gestational diabetes, recovery from a C-section, SPD, high blood pressure mean it will be a very stressful time. I could do without added stress and possibly not being open with doctors because I don't want others overhearing.

I hope your husband/partner can particpate in a meaningful way.

Well, he'll be at home with the older child outside regular visiting hours. He is also horrified at the thought of him staying 24 hours. He feels very uncomfortable at the thought of making other women feel uncomfortable.

If that comes at the cost of some woemn feeling uncomfortable, then that's regrettable, but a price well worth paying.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. The women are the patients. No patient on any ward, of any sex, should be made to feel uncomfortable. Everybody is entitled to dignity. (I understand that young children may need parents/carers around 24 hours in hospital. They may be too young to understand what's happening to them. This may also be the case with some adults with certain conditions or difficulties.)

It's entirely an issue of the level of care available. If we start to accept it on maternity wards, it'll become accepted everywhere. And then it'll be expected that every patient brings one of their friends or relatives in with them and the hospital can save money on trained staff.

Doesn't some of it come down to being slightly over sensitive in cases though. It depends on the person, I wouldn't personally have an issue discussing those topics on a ward.

And, if it wasnt for these 'men' there wouldn't be any babies.

The more I read this thread the more it seems that men are generally seen as loud, snoring, insensitive, obnoxious etc.

Some are, some aren't, just like everyone. Most decent men would not want to be in any place where they are intruding on the privacy of other women or making them uncomfortable. Does that apply to your DH or is it only you and your baby who matter?

Private room - let the men stay. Bring your whole extended family and their dog if you like, as long as they are considerate of the new mums.
On a ward with limited space and shared bathroom facilities - you have to be fucking joking.

Doesn't some of it come down to being slightly over sensitive in cases though. It depends on the person, I wouldn't personally have an issue discussing those topics on a ward. And, if it wasnt for these 'men' there wouldn't be any babies.

Oh my goodness me. Over sensitive????

I wouldn't sleep in a hotel room with other couples so I wouldn't sleep on a recovery ward with other couples either, especially when I was constipated, bleeding, had a bleeding c section scar and a catheter, had my tits out for most of the day and was trying to get sleep in between visiting hours which was the only time the ward wasn't full of boisterous groups of people chatting at full volume.

Over sensitive????? Listen to yourself.

I'm very anti- overnight visitors on wards. It's a cynical and inappropriate means of dealing with the deficit in trained staff and simply overloads the inadequate facilities even more.

However, when I had my second child the woman in the next bay had her husband with her as translator and he was no problem at all. Polite, sensible, terrified for their longed-for baby in NICU and frankly more embarassed about the situation than we were.

My experience of being next to fathers when staying overnight on the paedeatric ward with DD has also been positive-very much about all being in the same boat and trying to be considerate of all our (sometimes conflicting) needs.

So YANBU to be against it but a bit U to assume that if it happens the men will be awful.

Monstrous- it's not about whether the men are awful, its the inhibition of having strangers around overnight or even all day long when you're on a hospital ward recovering.

I had my husband there when I had a c section, though I had a room to myself. Not sure it would bother me unless they were loud, aggressive etc like you say. Perhaps you could pay for a private room? Some hospitals offer it.

I was in hospital for 7 weeks when ds was born and it was a mixed prenatal/postnatal ward. It was bad enough in visiting time, I couldn't have stood every night with more people staying over night. 7 weeks of private rooms was beyond my means and thankfully once ds was born they put me in a private room for a few days for free. It's not just about men, it's anyone extra staying.

Yes MissBattleAxe, over sensitive.

What this thread (and others) has shown is that not all women feel uncomfortable having other men on the ward! I personally take more exception to having children hanging around pulling on the curtains etc.

I think if there is an issue with other patients having support available then private rooms seem the most sensible option.

Eh? They don't let children stay overnight do they? Apart from the newborns obviously