Men staying overnight on postnatal wards

[quesadillas]

Hi,

I'm getting myself really worked up about what seems to be an increasing trend for men to be able to stay overnight on postnatal wards. Last time I gave birth, men weren't allowed to stay. But I'm pretty sure that my hospital now allows it. This really bothers me. I found the postnatal ward absolute hell last time, begged to leave as early as possible , even though I knew I wasn't ready, and I ended up being re admitted. It was just a horrendous experience. This time I'm pregnant with twins, and the hospital have said that although I'd be a priority for a private room,there's absolutely no guarantee and there's probably more chance I'll be on the ward. I simply cannot imagine having visitors there 24 hours a day when I'm trying to get my head round having twins and feeding twins, and after a c-section. The woman in the neighbouring bed last time had her partner there at visiting hours and he was a nightmare. Loud, demanding of the staff (for him, not her) and thoroughly unpleasant sounding. I admit this may be affecting my views.

Did you have men on the ward 24 hours a day when you gave birth? How was it? Am I being ridiculous? And am I actually within my rights to refuse to spend a night in a room with members of the opposite sex, given that if I was having my tonsils out, it wouldn't be allowed?

Getting myself too worked up, need to get a grip!

Lots of people on other wards need lots of care at night. Nobody suggests their relatives stay overnight to look after them. The only reason this is happening, to save money. It is not a solution.

ellie very sorry to hear of the death of your DC, I can't imagine what you went through and I am horrified you were on a ward at all at that point and not in a private room where of course your DH should be allowed to stay.

I am finding your arguments quite hard to follow though, I don't think most people are coming from this from an angle of selfishness. Concerns are from people who have had bad experiences on postnatal wards (although not extreme as yours are) and are worried about an already poor situation being even worse by the additional of 4 extra bodies on the ward, not all guaranteed to be helpful!

What is needed is better medical care - observations of mother and baby, pain relief, breastfeeding support, none of which are solved by partners being there

Various previous threads on the issue:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/a2129327-New-campaign-to-allow-partners-to-stay-on-maternity-wards#48200741

This is what one woman, thecageisfull, had to say. 18.21 on 11/07/14:

I've had the experience of partners staying overnight and it was horrific. It wasn't an official policy but the ward was too understaffed to kick them out. I was in labour and for around 2-3 hours I had a man coming into my 'area' behind my curtains and telling me to shut the fuck up etc. I was on all fours with only a t-shirt on part of this time. I was alone as I don't know anyone with a sense of entitlement large enough to stay beyond visiting times and I had another child at home. He and a teenage boy had a physical fight as the teenager wanted him to shut the fuck up too. I tried to find a midwife when I passed a lot of blood into the toilet. I couldn't find one but I was called a fucking dirty bitch for not flushing the toilet (I thought the MV may have needed to see). It wasn't another patient who wanted to use the patient toilet, it was twat face following me about.

Needasockamnesty telling one poster who pooh-poohed the idea that fathers might be any kind of danger on maternity wards, few posts down from the one I just highlighted. Read it and weep, literally:

You are welcome to come to work with me next week.i have many clients who are willing to meet people and talk about their experiences it may take some time.

I can introduce you to loads of women who had botched attempts to flee violence and rape because they couldn't disclose abuse due to the current visiting hours on the PN ward not being enforced.

Or several who couldn't even sleep in their own hospital bed due to a partner forcing them out of it or the ones who couldn't eat due to food being taken from them

At least 10 with babies under a year old who were sexually assaulted or raped on a PN ward

More than 25 who were physically assaulted on a PN ward

Many who reported their ex/partners verbally abusing or threatening other patients,staff and visitors

Or one who had to have a security guard posted by her bed because she happened to give birth the same day as her ex's girlfriend

Many who were bullied into leaving when they had undeclared (to HCP) complications, at least 2 of those you can't meet because they are dead.

Or a woman whose extensive work to repair the results of FGM was effectively undone by her husband less that 12 hours after birth.

The protection of women from domestic abuse and violence and the protection of safe environments for women's health will always be a feminist issue

This post should be a sticky on every single thread that ever purports to discuss this issue.

Ooh and I found the bed one too!

There was a leering creep on my ward during visiting hours. I don't think I would have got any sleep if he'd been allowed to stay. Mind you, I don't think I would have got any sleep if my partner at the time had been allowed to stay. I was in early labour all night, and he insisted he share the single hospital bed with me as he had work the next day. He keep telling me to move over because he wasn't comfortable. I was clinging on to the edge with my contracting belly over the side, while he was fully on the bed and fast asleep! No, this is one area where I'm glad women don't (currently) have to put men's 'needs' first. Though I acknowledge that there are lots of lovely men out there who would just want to stay to support their partners and their babies.

23/07/14, right near the end of the thread.

Last time MN discussed having a campaign on this.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_campaigns/a2129215-What-do-you-think-about-spouses-partners-staying-overnight-on-postnatal-wards?msgid=48200610#48200610

There's one somewhere with a post from Viva talking about walking in on a man having sex with his wife just after she'd given birth in the MLU too.

Wow muff amazing, you are so right, this is horrific.

I am going to try and book a private room, however its £900 a chuffing night at St Thomas's!

Muff, with all due respect, none of those anecdotes you posted really support the argument for a blanket ban on men being able to stay on post natal wards, as supposed to a blanket ban on men visiting full stop.

The one about someone being pushed out of their bed while in labour, or the man looking around the curtain while in labour - clearly that wasn't on a post natal ward. The other stories could easily apply during normal visiting hours.

Thanks for posting these Muff. It really helps bring priorities and who is vulnerable into focus.

I think they do support a ban at night sparechange. Most men are good and welcomed and should have time with their partners and babies. At night, when things quiet down, there is less staff and Mums need to sleep is a good time for them to all get out. This break in the action is sensible even when the men in question aren't "monsters." And, for the ones that are, it gives their partners respite and a safe chance to disclose abuse. A post natal ward should not have the atmosphere of an all night bus station.

The one about someone being pushed out of their bed while in labour, or the man looking around the curtain while in labour - clearly that wasn't on a post natal ward.

Again for nth time on this thread, sometimes wards are mixed. The ward I was on over the weeks i was there had women with problems, women in labour and women who had had their babies. The problem is visitors staying over night in any of those situations. There have been posters in the past who wanted their dp there while being induced. I was induced at 6.30 am in the morining and it went on for two days before i finally went into labour and it was another 6 hours before i was in the maternity ward and dh was called again (3am in the morning) My inducement started monday morning and ds was born wednesday night.

Yes they do sparechange, because the longer an abusive man is present, the more opportunity he has to abuse. It's true that some relate specifically to events prior to the postnatal ward, but do you think these fathers suddenly changed their stripes once the baby was born? I don't think anyone is suggesting the current arrangements are entirely risk free either, but some of you seem to think that means making it worse is somehow justified because of that.

Cant say I like you dismissing the experiences of someone who spent decades working in dv protection as 'anecdotes' either.

Men are not allowed overnight on antenatal wards. During birth women are generally in private rooms.

i was in the maternity ward and dh was called again

I meant labour ward. The hospital i was in there was no postnatal and antenatal wards, we were all mixed in together.

sparechange I was in labour on the post natal ward. My waters broke with blood in so I had to labour at hospital. My dp was allowed to stay until visiting hours ended, they checked my progress and i was moved to the MLU then. Had I not they would have asked him to leave I think- this was obviously before the change in rules.