Men staying overnight on postnatal wards

[quesadillas]

Hi,

I'm getting myself really worked up about what seems to be an increasing trend for men to be able to stay overnight on postnatal wards. Last time I gave birth, men weren't allowed to stay. But I'm pretty sure that my hospital now allows it. This really bothers me. I found the postnatal ward absolute hell last time, begged to leave as early as possible , even though I knew I wasn't ready, and I ended up being re admitted. It was just a horrendous experience. This time I'm pregnant with twins, and the hospital have said that although I'd be a priority for a private room,there's absolutely no guarantee and there's probably more chance I'll be on the ward. I simply cannot imagine having visitors there 24 hours a day when I'm trying to get my head round having twins and feeding twins, and after a c-section. The woman in the neighbouring bed last time had her partner there at visiting hours and he was a nightmare. Loud, demanding of the staff (for him, not her) and thoroughly unpleasant sounding. I admit this may be affecting my views.

Did you have men on the ward 24 hours a day when you gave birth? How was it? Am I being ridiculous? And am I actually within my rights to refuse to spend a night in a room with members of the opposite sex, given that if I was having my tonsils out, it wouldn't be allowed?

Getting myself too worked up, need to get a grip!

My partner stayed overnight with me on a shared ward of 4. I'm so thankful, I can't imagine him not being there to help look after the baby and make sure she was breathing while I napped.

We had curtains round each bed so I didn't see the other four women at all, I think they had people with them, including men, but I only know from hearing their voices. It didn't bother me (and I'm a private person, I didn't have anyone else visiting me in hospital, I would have hated it, we didn't tell anyone I was in labour). I had problems breastfeeding too. Even if the other DP/DHs did see me in a state on the way to the loo it wouldn't bother me - I'm sure even if they'd seen me bloated, red-faced and covered in blood they won't remember, they'd have been so distracted by their new family!

I just asked my DP and he didn't notice anything about the other women (though he is easily distracted and completely un-observant!). I agree post-natal wards are hell but personally I'd rather have my DP there as well as other women's partners than not have any of them.

Good luck with your birth, I hope it goes well. Hopefully you get your private room for your twins, you must have a good chance!

I managed to get side room with ds2 but with ds1 I ended up putting earplugs in and eye mask thingy and sleep as much during the day as possible whilst dh or mil looked after newborn because I knew there was no chance I would be able to sleep at night. I would suggest you do the same to try and get some rest during the day. Doesnt solve the problem of privacy though. I still have nightmares about the first time I got out of bed after c section and all water/ blood gushing out on the floor in front of people I was so embarrassed. No maternity pad would have been able to contain the flood. And I had gas so there I was farting like a demon in front of everyone. I am sure the other women on my ward are still complaining able about me!

When I had dd we had the local drug dealer on the ward with his girlfriend and the very loud and drunk husband of a lovely lady. I wouldn't have wanted either overnight.

It's not allowed at my hospital. Visiting times are 10am - 10pm for partners. Obviously if you have a baby after 10pm, they wouldn't send them home straight away.

It's a health and safety thing. As other Mothers and their babies on the ward too..

Missbattleaxe, I think perhaps I should have said I was being ironic!

All the above you say I agree with, but add to this lack of care by midwives and nurses, where I am, a private room is €3,000, so, in comparison, the NHS isn't doing too badly. £100 for a private room doesn't sound too bad, see?

I'm so appalled that we have had to go through such frightening experiences. It's now wonder we have post traumatic stress, and slow recovery with all that shit hitting the fan and so little care given.

I feel that we have survived something so horrendous - like veterans of some asymmetric warfare. If we were in uniform, there would be public outcry about the callous and appalling treatment we received when we were most vulnerable and afraid.

Op I do hope you keep us posted about how you get on, we all are rooting for you and your babes!

I can completely understand wanting a partner or other around all night. For the record, I don't think I'd be comfortable with somebody's mother or sister being there either, although they may have an idea of what it's like being that new mother.

I'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. Thinking about it, the neighbouring bed won't have any room for visitors with my two cots pushing on their curtains. For everyone else's sake I really should have my own room!

I had 2 DDs at a hospital that allowed partners to stay. I had both DDs at around 1am and DH stayed for a little while to see me settled and then went home.

With DD1 being a hint prem 36+2 we had to stay in for three nights. DH stayed late for the other 2 nights as there seemed to be a weird doctor's ward round at about 11pm where the day was summed up and the plan for the next day made. As soon as he knew the plan he went home.

The 'accommodation' for partners was a recliner chair but DH was having therapy for a slipped disc and would have wound the crap out of me been uncomfortable staying. One man did manage to stay the night in the 4 bedded bay, but since I was feeding DD1 every 2 hours (BF, express, top up, feed expressed colostrum) I probably irritated him more than his presence worried me.

The main thing that bugged me was the readmission at day 10 with DD1, who had bilirubin levels off the chart and into the writing above and was critical for a few hours and ill for days. She was being EBF and they had no place for ME to sleep as the rooms they had available were all taken. I sat in a chair until they realised I was not going to leave (for days if needed) and then found me a camp bed from somewhere. How can 2 depts of the same hospital have such different policies on visitors staying with infants?

If there are men staying and you need privacy as in the doctors or midwives rounds or advising you on by or anything then I think you are well within your rights to ask the men to leave the room for a confidential consult
Do it every time you speak to a hcp, every time.
The ward is fir you and your treatment and that trumps everything

I literally cannot believe that any POST NATAL maternity ward allows men to stay overnight.

I understand pre-natal wards, ie long labour, baby could be born any minute etc. Totally get that.

But postnatal??!

It should not be allowed. I can think of some guys I've seen or heard of who I would cross the street to avoid, let alone share a sleep space with only a thin curtain in between.

Also there's extra noise as partners can and do chat, it's hard enough to sleep on a postnatal ward as it is without conversations (or arguments) between tired couples in the middle of the night.

mojo well within rights to ask men to leave the room for a confidential consult? Too right!

OP I would kick up a stink if I felt in any way compromised by the presence of men on the ward at night. What the hell has happened? Why are women accepting this? Who asked the women's permission if they would like to share sleep space with someone else's guy? What would people do if a couple appeared to be engaging in, um, relations? (before people say it wouldn't happen if someone's just had a baby - it could, it can and it wouldn't have to be full-on to make others in the vacinity uncomfortable). What if the man abused alcohol, or drugs? Had anger problems? Had issues with females? I could go on.

So many reasons why it's wrong.

I find it very worrying that other people's experiences from having men on the ward after they have given birth have been so awful. I mean the way that people are describing their experiences is as if random blokes have turned up and are causing havoc!? I would have thought that the fathers would be more interested in spending time looking after their partner and newborn child then focusing on what everyone else is doing. I think PP comments about men being allowed to stay that could be dangerous or a bit weird surely they should not be allowed in regardless? It doesn't make any difference them staying over night or not. If someone is abusive, dangerous, drunk or a bloody nightmare then they should be removed from the hospital altogether.

However I have heard stories from people who's DP's have not been allowed to stay with them and subsequently have been left on their own all night with either none or limited help due to staff shortages and the ward being so busy. One friend of mine in particular had an emcs and spent most of the night getting in and out of bed to tend to her DD because there simply wasn't enough staff there to help her.

I think that's the issue - they are doing this instead of hiring enough staff. Which is OK for those with a nice DH / DP that can stay, but very unfair that those where they can't stay (DH will need to stay with DS this time at home) or those that are single haven't got the midwives support.
For those saying complain when you're in / ask them to leave, the ward I was on was huge, must've been 20 beds to each corridor and I was on the corner of the corridors arranged in a cross so everyone had to go past me to toilet, midwife station, kitchen, milk kitchen etc. I don't think the midwives could or would have asked 30 or so men to go home because I didn't like it. Oh and after an emcs (I was having blood, drip etc) the curtains had to be slightly open so the midwives could see me.
I guess they'll have to bring in security (like in A and E) or some sort of staff whose job is to tell people to behave, not go in the patients showers / toilets etc. The midwives are over stretched as it is and I don't think they have the time to get involved. Their priority should be patients anyway IMO.
Just little silly things like queuing for food when I could hardly stand in a queue of men who could stand fine, or waiting for the toilets / shower when non patients are in there were annoying.

By the way, a few of the women were a pain too but by adding the partners you almost double the number of people / noise / overcrowding even if they are all lovely.

I'd have given anything to have my DH there. I was six days in hospital, lost 3.5l of blood and was neglected by midwives. As in, put in a formal complaint and they offered an out of court settlement to pre-empt me suing kind of neglected.
(I didn't sue, nor did I take the money)

The mws were awful, there was zero support, often no food, and the only person topping up my water was the cleaning lady, who was by a mile the kindest person there.

If I have a second DC, we will pay to go private to avoid this next time. It was that bad, and DH being there would have made a huge difference to me. I wouldn't have had to try and get in and out of bed whilst fighting not to pass out, and doubly incontinent, for a start. The call buzzer was ignored.

So, sorry all of you who would 'feel unhappy' having men on postnatal wards, but I felt traumatised, neglected and terrified being without DH every night.

I was in a similar situation after I had my first child. Big PPH, unemptied catheter , unable to pick up my baby to feed him. What I needed was better care from the staff though. Changing the rules on visitors to make up for deficient care seems to be an unsatisfactory way of dealing with the issues, particularly for women without an involved partner.

Similar situation here, I had a major bleed, lost 2 litres during the surgery and a premature baby. Men were on the ward but that didn't stop the staff not having time to deal with me. It was assumed that I should have had DH there (24/7 for a week and a half?) to help me.
I don't think the answer is that those with supportive partners that are able to stay 24/7 get looked after and the rest of us don't. That logic makes no sense to me at all. They should be looking after all patients like on other wards. More well trained midwives are what is needed.
I say this having had 2 previous NHS operations where the staff actually looked after me. I was helped to the toilet, shower, food was brought, water, dressings changed etc. That should be the absolute minimum standard. I couldn't believe how different post operative care was on a postnatal ward compared to other wards.

Humpty, surely the solution, as I said above, is more staff, and appropriate staff. At the same time as one woman feeling traumatised because she can't have her partner there, there's another feeling traumatised because there's an unknown person (who isn't a patient) on the other side of a thin curtain. Whose trauma trumps whose? Particularly when it wouldn't happen on any other ward?

Most men (and other visitors) would be perfectly behaved, respectful and decent, I'm sure, and they would only be interested in helping their partner and baby. But you have to take into account the minority who are disruptive, rude, disrespectful idiots. If policy is to allow men in, the idiots get let in too. Security guards isn't the answer, a well run ward is.

I wish I could have a home birth and avoid the whole thing. Or go completely private. But there's not a chance of that.

Humpty, It's awful that you had such a terrible time and it should not have been allowed to happen, but if a trend for using family as unpaid carers on wards goes any further, then it compromises the rights of other patients to recover in peace and privacy.

It does baffle me why so little staff help is available and funding is urgently needed to resolve this, but new mothers can't be expected to have their partners around day and night as carer because the hospital can't or won't fund better staffing levels. It's a terrible solution that could distress other patients.

I agree that midwifery staffing levels are dire and need addressing, but that is a long term fix, and needs investment, time and training. Until it's done, women are having babies and 'recovering' from it in poor conditions, and having partners there can alleviate it for some. I agree it's a compromise - but if you look at it the other way around, should a woman suffer unnecessary added pain, stress, fear and neglect in order to make other women more mentally/emotionally comfortable?

Mixed wards aren't allowed any more , are they? So why would partners be allowed to stay on a post natal ward?

It's not about being mentally/emotionally comfortable, it's about not being mentally/emotionally distressed. About not feeling safe when possibly at your most vulnerable.

It's unacceptable that partners should be used as carers on a postnatal ward. It's fine if there are private ensuite rooms for each mother and baby, but on a ward with curtained bays it is unacceptable. It isn't accepted in other ward settings so why do women on postnatal wards have to put up with it?

I would have thought that the fathers would be more interested in spending time looking after their partner and newborn child then focusing on what everyone else is doing.

Sadly lauraa4, if you search this topic and read a few of the threads detailing people's experiences, you'll see that you think wrong. There are women who've been threatened by other people's partners, stared at whilst trying to breastfeed, told to shut up when they're crying out in pain and witnessed partners starting fights.

I think this might be allowed at my hospital now. When I had ds only 18 months ago up to 3 visitors were allowed twice a day but partners and children were allowed to stay all day. I've just had a look on the web site and they now say that they provide beds for partners to stay on the post natal ward. Ds was born at 1pm, we were transferred to the post natal ward at 6 ish, my sister visited and dp left with her at 8 ish when visiting time was over. they were very specific about him leaving so this must be new.
I'm not sure how i feel about it tbh.I think everyone would want their dp but not everyone else's. at some of the stories on here.

I've just checked my local hospital and since 3yrs ago when I had my DS they too have changed their rules. Partners can now stay overnight in the curtained bay post natal ward. But... they don't provide anywhere to sleep for partners, or any male toilets or washing facilities. The blurb on their website says that they encourage partners to go home as much as possible, so it seems like they're allowed but discouraged.

The guidance they give is a bit, um, interesting... There's a bit about asking that partners remain fully clothed at all times, that they don't sleep in the ward beds with or without the mother, or on the floor!

The whole idea of partners staying overnight I find really off putting and would make me very reluctant to be in the post natal ward for any length of time.

Sorry you had a bad experience with an idiot but I for one am glad my husband was allowed to stay with me. We had a truly horrendous first birth where i spent 2 nights in intensive care with emergancy blood transfusions feeling helpless and terrified. I could barely move once we got up to the ward. My husband went home and it was later that evening I couldn't wake up the baby. He got taken to the SCBU and had to have lumber puncture as suspected menigitis at 1am. My husband obviously came rushing back and once they'd done the tests and got baby awake and feeding again we got taken back to the ward around 3am. We were both in absolute pieces having not slept for 3 nights, he'd gone through the trauma of seeing me almost die and then we didn't know if our baby had menigitis or not. Thankfully the midwives ignored the no overnight visitor policy and let my husband stay in the chair next to me for the rest of the night.

We kept the curtains shut round the bed so he wasn't disturbing anyone else but i've never needed him by my side more than i did that night. If I'm in overnight with my next baby and my husband is home but I have someone else's partner in the next bed behind the curtain, i shall be sympathetic and presume they were in need of them as much as I was.

Can you find out if your hospital definitely allow it?