Want to help myth-bust childbirth for first-time mums? We need YOU. NOW CLOSED

[MichelleMumsnet]

Hello folks,

For many of us, having a child of our own will represent our first adult contact with a real-life baby - and as you'll no doubt remember, the learning curve can, at times, feel vertiginously steep. One of the brilliant things about Mumsnet is that you can come on at any time of the day - or night - and have access to a vast group of people who've been through it all before. So we thought it would be a nifty idea to turn the virtual support group into a real-world one - which is why, come September, we'll be hosting our very first BumpFest, a one-stop-shop for parents-to-be.

For first-timers, the idea of birth itself can be terrifying. So we're planning to kick off with a panel discussion on the myths around childbirth - and in preparation for it, we wanted to ask you about your own experiences in the field.

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Thanks in advance for your input - everyone who posts will be entered into a prize draw where one MNer will win £100 Love2Shop vouchers.

MNHQ

Misconception 1. It's going to be awful
All I heard in advance were stories of blood, crisis, terror, pain, unhelpful medical professionals and abandoned birth plans. What I got was the most straightforward birth imaginable: not a single intervention, brilliant midwives, a TENS machine that did the job (yes, really) and the extraordinary experience of being transported into another world where my body just did its thing and I kind of just let it. And I'm usually a control freak. BIRTH CAN BE FINE (though obviously big sympathies for those for whom it's not)! I'm not taking any credit for this by the way, it was all just biology and luck.

Misconception 2. That you'll care what you're wearing, what music is on etc etc. Apparently I staggered into the labour room casting off clothes with a mutter of 'I can't be doing with this' (it was the hot summer of 2006) and did the whole thing hanging off the furniture and DP completely naked. Couldn't have cared less. Didn't even know who was in the room most of the time.

Misconception 3: What happens afterwards
I hadn't really thought beyond actual delivery, so the whole gore-fest of taking a shower afterwards was a bit of a shock. How much blood?! And the maternity pads. They're not any fun. It's like being 12 again with your first sanitary towel feeling like a brick in your pants.

Misconception 1: 'It's just a day'. Oh no it's not. My labour went on for, ooh, 48 hours and would have gone on longer if they hadn't made with the ventouse.

Misconception 2: 'You'll feel OK afterwards' (thank you Sheila Kitzinger). I felt as if I'd been kicked in the stomach by a horse and was in considerable pain for several weeks.

Misconception 3: 'Nine months up, nine months down'. I looked like a barrage balloon for about a year after my first baby.

(Admittedly all these only apply to my first birth. The second was eight hours start to finish and I was back in my jeans three months later.)

Misconception 4: you get 'baby brain'. No you don't. You may be sleep-deprived and/or in shock, but childbirth does not, in reality, affect cognition.

Things I thought would matter and didn't...being stimulating intellectual company for my newborn. They're pretty thick, babies, and don't in reality need much beyond feeding and cuddling.

What I'd tell myself: 'You will be quite fat for quite a long time, so it's probably a good idea to buy some nice clothes in a large size, rather than feel guilty about being so enormous for so long.'

Biggest Misconception: that I could do birth with willpower and lavender oil. Mwahahahaha. I can, hand on heart though, affirm that The Epidural is science's greatest gift to womankind.

Things you thought would be important and weren't: the whole weaning thing. I was going to be making my own organic purees and my child would hurl themselves onto the broccoli and liver. (Annabel Karmel has a lot to answer for) Bollocks to that. I quickly learned that no child would willing starve itself, and who gives a flying if your child has pasta and tomato sauce for breakfast 5 days out of 7?

Going back to the day before you gave birth? That you really do only need 10 babygros for the first 6 mths. You will never get your arse into gear enough for Junior to wear any of the prissy little frock things cluttering up your house.

My biggest misconception was that I would have a normal pregnancy and birth and that the midwives would know the difference between a baby's bottom and its head. 4 moths of hyperemersis gravidarum and emergency C-sections due to being breach with both of them.

Biggest misconception...That the start of labour would be obvious, your waters break and everything follows a set path. Four labours, my waters never broke on their own.

What wasn't important...my birth plan. I was so sure I had everything covered that I got quite upset afterwards because things hadn't gone the way I thought they should. Fair enough, have some ideas, but build a lot of flexibility into it.

What I would tell myself...as long as the baby is fed, it doesn't really matter how you do it. I was so pro-breastfeeding that I hadn't considered bottle feeding at all. When my daughter was born, breastfeeding wasn't possible, and I ended up with depression because I felt a failure

That home birth is a sensible choice for your first baby. I only know of two home births that have not ended up with a hospital trip. You don't know whether you are high risk (and what your pain threshold is like) until you've given birth (and even that doesn't mean all subsequent births are the same).

Otherwise I'd agree with previous posters. Birth is amazing but painful, unpredictable and messy. Pack for that rather than a restful stay in a spa!

Rest like mad afterwards and accept all help, and be proactive about getting help quickly if something doesn't seem right about your recovery, baby or feeding.

Don't get so caught up in the birth 'experience' that you fail to see it for what it is. A means to an end. Its not always about your 'perfect birth' or a specific experience you want. Its about getting your baby out safely as lets be honest we don't get pregnant to experience labour its to have a baby.
I think too many women end up falsy dissapointed for not getting the perfect birth experience when in hindsight how the baby came out means very little as long as you are both safe and well

Misconception - that the midwifed will look at your birth plan, they just go with the flow and discuss things as they need to

What I would tell myself the day before - don't panic about leaving it too late for an epidural. Decided I needed one when the pain wasn't really that bad, just in case there was no-one available and I ran out of time! Had a natural birth the second time and I could cope with the pain, I should have had faith in myself.

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

That I'd be in labour for 12-13 hours. Was around 4 so much quicker.
Didn't need all my food, drinks, music, oils but I enjoyed packing them and would again.
That gas and air/tens wouldn't do much- both very effective.
That I wouldn't like the birth pool as didn't find the bath soothing for period pains. I loved it and it was much warmer and cosier than I'd thought.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

Baby learning to fall asleep on their own as opposed to feeding to sleep. Just enjoy the snuggles and don't worry about holding them too much-they'll (hopefully) have a lovely round little head!

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Read a magazine cover to cover, eat something fiddly that requires both hands, watch a film and focus!!

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

I listened when people said it was the worst pain ever, and as I am a well known wuss I would be begging for pain relief. Well it turns out that even though I cry if I snap a finger nail too close to the skin, I can push a 9lb odd baby out with one sniff of gas and air. It just wasn't that bad. I went in to labour terrified I wouldn't cope, but soon turned it around. Of course, it's not as easy for everyone, but equally it's not screaming ab dabs for everyone either.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be? I thought I would be really embarrassed by the way I looked/acted, but it turned out I didn't give a flying fig!

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say? Trust your instincts. Don't let anyone bully you. I wish I had stood up for myself a little more with regard to breastfeeding.

Yes childbirth is painful, but not half as bad as some people reckon. If it was really that bad then none of us would have more than one!

Biggest misconception for me was that someone would tell me when to push!

They thought I was nowhere near (quick labour), and I believe I was at transition for quite a long time, panicking, before I finally told them I want to push, and he arrived straight away.

My misconception was that a c-section was the easy option. I assumed that the anaesthetic would numb the pain, so you wouldn't feel anything. When my midwife said "that's the worst over with" as the epidural went into my back, I believed her.
The next day I reduced my painkillers, because no one told that major abdominal surgery actually hurts after the main drugs wear off. Three days later I back in hospital on morphine due to my naivety.

Things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be:

• the water birth I never had is nothing compared to my healthy baby boy
• all the little things in my hospital bag such as the fan and the games - they weren't used

Misconception:- that everyone who said I wouldn't go over my due date because my bump was massive or that it's probably all water... turned out that I went 13days over and had a beautiful boy weighing 10lbs 2oz :)
Also not everyone can breastfeed... As much as the midwives like to tell you otherwise :(

Didn't need:- lip balm and to pack my hospital bag at 28 weeks.

What I would tell myself - that not being able to breast feed is not the end of the world & inductions are not as bad as everyone makes out!

That it really matters what the birth's like. It took until DC4 to get the birth I wanted, and even that went wrong!

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

That I would be in hospital for ages! I was really quick in labour and was expecting much longer for a first birth. And didn't need as many clothes either. I delivered naked and put a dress thingy on after as I didn't want anything touching my skin for some reason.
Also that the water bath would be a lot warmer. And that my waters would just break before labour... they went halfway through!
I had pre labour contractions that weren't very painful for two days then it all escalated to birth within 6hrs so a bit shocking!
Thought it would be straightforward after birth. I needed stitches, so it wasn't. Also she was slightly in shock after as she got stuck for a bit, .so wouldn't bf for a while.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

Food! Wasn't hungry tbh. Or thirsty. Had to be told to eat some flapjack and drink my lucozade by the midwife when it was apparent I hadn't eaten in 4 hrs and was in heavy labour...

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

You don't need three bags! You just need one bag, with one outfit for you, two for the baby and some snacks. And wash stuff!

Get someone to bring a bag with extra stuff in AFTER you've delivered!

Misconceptions caused by the horror stories.
To all first timers do not listen to any of these silly horror stories, although it is possible you will not necessarily....

• Be in excruciating pain for days and days.
• Feel like you are turning inside out.
• Hate every minute of it.
• Rip up to your neck.

These are just a few of the things I remember hearing....

I'm not going to lie it's not like shelling peas, but when it's over it is over and the pain goes away and you have a perfect little bubba in your arms and nothing else matters in the world at that moment, not even the doctor stitching you back up to your neck

Biggest misconception: that having an epidural was a failure and I could do it without if I just had enough will power and focus (thanks NCT).

The epidural was great and needed after 12 hours of going throug it without pain relief (particularly as I had another 15 hours to go!)

Misconceptions - I would be I'm labour for ages. The reality was for me although the consultant said I may have been in labour the first time for up to 48 hours before (I had no idea) actual labour for me lasted 8 hours the first time and only 5 hours the second time.

What wasn't important
An episiotomy wasn't that bad at all, the first time I had to be cut twice and I barely even noticed. Also the majority of my labour bag was pretty unnecessary, a book, really!

What would I tell myself.
Leave your dignity at the door and collect it after labour. You will look back on some of the things one day and laugh (I promise). You can do it and you will, an you may look like crap afterwards but you will return to some level of normal. An most importantly, my god was it worth it and you will go on to do it again.

Misconception 1: that gas and air would stop the pain - it barely dented it. Being in water helped though.
Misconception 2: that I would get an overwhelming urge to push when through time was right. With DS1 I never did, pushed for 2 hours while being yelled at for not trying hard enough. With Ds2 it came very late, only 2 pushes and he was out.

misconception - that epidural is a magical thing that takes all the pain away. Those fecking things don't always work!!
(if yours doesn't either, don't listen to the nurses that it's fine and some pain is normal. get the anaesthetist to do it again).

I had very few misconceptions. I knew it would be tough but I've done a lot if physically tough things before so went in with the attitude that however painful it is it will most likely only be one day of my life.
As it was I had a very positive birth. Tens at home, 8cm by the time I got to hospital, birthing pool up till the last two pushes.
I guess I expected the stages to be well defined and transition to be a big thing. As it was I didn't notice it at all and very nearly "breathed" my baby out, despite no hypnobirth training or anything like that.

Things I worried about that didn't matter - being embarrassed. Examinations etc just weren't embarrassing (adpmd I say that as someone who finds smears really cringy). And tearing / stitches. I had a tiny tear and a couple if stitches and barely felt either.
Also pooing after. I expected constipation but actually my gut/bowels were very healthy throughout.
Pretty sure I didn't poo during either (but as I mentioned I didn't really "push" as such).

If I could go back I'd tell myself that not all first babies are late and yes he could arrive a few days before edd (that was quite a shock!).

My biggest misconception was that I wouldn't need intervention. I practised breathing techniques, bounced on birthing balls etc. But, when the time came, the baby needed to be out, so inducement and forceps it was.

The things that turned out not to be important were clothes. Half the hospital turned up to watch DDD being born, and after 32 hours I could have been filmed and I wouldn't have cared. When DS was born, it was just DH, the midwife and I and although I started out with a dressing gown on etc, I was quickly parading between the bed, the bath, the toilet,around the labour ward without a stitch on.

The best advice I can give is rest. As much as you can before the birth. It's important to keep moving in labour, but because I was exhausted from a full day before my waters broke I could barely stand 24 hours in. Online shopping and a footstool are your friends!

My first birth was lovely and calm. I had some tearing and hadn't expected that. I wish I had been more informed about the options afterwards. It was still all worth it.