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[MichelleMumsnet]

Hello folks,

For many of us, having a child of our own will represent our first adult contact with a real-life baby - and as you'll no doubt remember, the learning curve can, at times, feel vertiginously steep. One of the brilliant things about Mumsnet is that you can come on at any time of the day - or night - and have access to a vast group of people who've been through it all before. So we thought it would be a nifty idea to turn the virtual support group into a real-world one - which is why, come September, we'll be hosting our very first BumpFest, a one-stop-shop for parents-to-be.

For first-timers, the idea of birth itself can be terrifying. So we're planning to kick off with a panel discussion on the myths around childbirth - and in preparation for it, we wanted to ask you about your own experiences in the field.

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Thanks in advance for your input - everyone who posts will be entered into a prize draw where one MNer will win £100 Love2Shop vouchers.

MNHQ

Misconception - I was told generally by 12 weeks they would be sleeping better, generally for long stretches at night and in their own bed. My ds is now 6 months old a terrible sleeper, still in our bed, it's tiring and I needed to let go of the fact I had failed in someway.

2nd one is that the birth will be horrendous, pretty much anyone who has nada child seemed to take great pleasure in detailing their horrific birthing experiences, I was terrified before having him, but luckily my birth was short and easy.

Day before, I would say stop panicking that the house isn't ready and I wasn't ready, enjoy it as life is about to change forever.

I thought the most important thing would be getting it perfect all the time. Having strict routine and everything running like clockwork, as soon as I stopped worrying and put down the books and just enjoyed being with my baby, he let me know if he needed anything and the routine came naturally.

I'm a midwife, so approached the birth from a slightly different perspective. I think it very much helped as there was no part of it which was confusing or scary in an unknown kind of way.

Misconception: not sure I had any. I was fully aware of everything that could happen. As it happens I had a very smooth home water birth. I suppose I did think it was really going to hurt, but actually it didn't particularly. I've got a headache right now that is worse than labour was. I felt enormously lucky during the birth!

What didn't matter... I felt very sang-forbid about the whole thing. I'd done what I could do...OFP, RLT, perineal massage, colostrum harvesting etc etc. The rest was in the lap of the gods, I felt. So come the day I was very open to whatever happened. I did have plans for who could be in the room, but actually Viggo Mortensen himself could have been there, oiled, and I wouldn't have noticed.

I'd say to myself... Tomorrow is going to be the best day of your life. You're going to smash it. You rock.

Currently it's looking less and less likely that I'll get to do it again (11mo TTC and just had miscarriage) so it's a memory I really treasure.

If I could tell myself something the day before birth?

Your baby is beautiful - keep your eye on the prize.

I would tell myself to buy more beautiful newborn hats. What did I thinkwas important but wasn't? Lots of beautiful big blankets - all the images of snuggled and wrapped babies are only apt for winter ones, not spring.

My biggest misconception of actually giving birth was that it wasn't going to hurt as much as everyone said it did!!!!!! I'd suffered from IBS for many years before pregnancy and the often writhing pain it caused and the debilitation of not being able to leave the house for days on end led me to believe I was prepared for ANY amount of pain. I realised, after giving birth, that I'd well and truly got that wrong!!!! The groaning and moo-ing that I'd scoffed 'God, I'd never make those noises!!' at, came out of me....along with a load of other stuff that I'd previously thought 'there's no way in the world I'll be doing that during childbirth. Surely people have an element of control over their bodily functions???' Hahaha served me right eh? The biggest..and best surprise was how the pain instantly stopped the moment she came out!! Such intense pain just stopped, amazing!!

Starting labour in the maternity ward, surrounded by new mums and their visiting families, my naked backside in the air and apologising to strangers for the noise and grossness coming out of me was not what I'd had in mind. Looking back now it's quite funny...at the time it wasn't. Six years later and I'm about to do it all again...who knows what's going to happen. I have in my mind giving birth on the A30 during the 1.25 hour trip to Exeter hospital this time round - so even getting there will be a bonus!!

your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

That once they began my contractions would be unbearably painful...well, the later stage was painful but not as bad as I imagined, but the first stage, well, I managed to walk around the park with my mum, go for something to eat at Beefeater (what was I thinking ), it was uncomfortable but no great bother.
Also that BF would be easy and come naturally, it didnt, I was devastated and felt like a failure, but now I have come to realise, sod it, as long as the baby's being fed, hes happy.

What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

Having a fully stocked hospital bag. Seriously all I needed were a change of clothes and clothes/nappies etc for the baby. All that gumph about magazines/something to keep me busy.....just gave me a heavy bag. If you do feel you need something while you are there, send your partner/mother/whoever to the shop at the hospital.

And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

2 things, stop fretting, things arent going to go according to plan but then, what does? Really? and secondly, when you are admitted into the hospital and you change into something more comfy, take your knickers off. You will feel like an idiot when the midwife points out "This baby isnt going to come out very easily with your underwear on is it?"

Biggest misconceptions

1.That it would take ages as it was my first. The first stage (irregular contractions and treated with paracetamol) was about 12 hours but the actual labour part was around 8 hours.

1. I thought I'd 'lose it' but I didn't - mainly due to hypnobirthing techniques I'd learned.
2. That breastfeeding is easy. It isn't and women need to prepare themselves for that. We are all geared up for the birth and in actual fact, feeding and caring for your newborn can be much more difficult.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

What I had packed and my 2 page birth plan. I was discharged after 14 hours of having DD, so hardly any of the stuff was important!

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Record it! I wish I'd filmed it (well, most of it) as a little keepsake for me. I remember it well now but not sure I will in 5/10/20 years.
Get the right support for breastfeeding and don't be scared to ask for help (I waited till I was in agony to get help). However, I'm still going now!

Misconceptions?? That C-sections are the devils work...They are GREAT!!! i RECOVERED very quickly and the scar is fine...It was all complicated by an ovarian terratoma which had to come out, but I got to lie there discussing Ancient Greece with the anaesthetist while they did all the work....NO PAIN ...and there was my beautiful baby(who shat all over his dad - not me)I held him and fed him soon after...I had a great time and I remember it perfectly....esp the round of applause when he was lifted out(Im guessing the team were relieved - it was an emergency)I only wish Id opted for it...Just because you can do it naturally, doesnt mean you should. Anyway, if you have to have one, dont lose any sleep over it, and ignore the pitying looks from the hippie types - I LIKE the fact that a huge thing hasnt come out of my vagine, and my son is just fine. I do wish people wouldnt be putting c-sections down all the time...we have no problem making use of modern science in other ways...The pain thing seems to be different for everyone. It was really bad for me and I wish Id opted for an epidural from the start....Pethidine and diamorphine dont really kill pain....they make you high and DO make time go more quickly but dont stop the pain. Despite everything, I would do it all over again. Being a mum is the best thing ever!!!

We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

i was well into my twenties before i learnt that you are likely to tear and poo during childbirth.

i obsessively researched so i was prepared for the birth, less so my partner who found it a very traumatic experience

i didn't really appreciate that you have to make babies sleep and that they don't just drop off like adults do

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

snacks, i wäsn't allowed to eat a thing

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

nothing really it went as wwll as it could

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

I was told - "Take the Gas & Air, it's great, you won't feel anything!"
Reality for me - It made me so violently ill, I couldn't even lift the tube to my mouth without heaving - TMI?? I was quite disappointed by this as so many people had raved about it and said how good it was so it seemed that it was only me who had an aversion to it :( Now I know many other people get the same effect too but at the time I did not.

That as soon as the baby is born you forget about the pain ... Liars! Still I went on to have three more after the first but that pain is still very fresh in my memory!

That it is a lovely experience, in reality you are just a sweaty mess putting it nicely lol! Labour is not always a "doddle" in fact my four were all born by cesarean.

The baby weight will disappear as soon as you give birth. This from watching TV mostly I think & of course celebs who seem stick thin almost immediately. Some people are lucky but don't really think you have to eat for two, you don't!

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

Getting everything perfect and just so, when your there you only care about the baby being born safely and anything you have planned for yourself goes out of the window.

Packing that bag so full you'd swear you were off on holiday, you really don't need that much if all goes well, you'll be sent home pretty soon.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Your going to need a c-section so when they offer it too you 9 hours down the line - Take it. Do not suffer along for another 9 hours out of sheer stubborness!

The bf was a nightmare! Really wish I'd said, sod it & tried ff sooner. Still makes me angry. ( Years later!)The midwives in ante-natal were really pushing bf & I was so determined to do it, but I really just wish they'd said, It's ok if you can't do it...DS lost 10% of body weight & they were still trying to get me to bf. Just do what's best for you. Ff isn't failing.
Get all the help you can in the first few weeks. Speak to your health visitor/doctor if you're struggling. Found out about Home-Start charity.Wish I'd asked for help sooner. It got better after a couple of months, but motherhood was a hell of a shock!!! :)

Wow so many things i wish someone had told me first time round. Yes, it's going to hurt at some point - however it comes out but the more relaxed you can remain the better. C sections aren't that bad. Don't let them make you pump if your milk isn't in the first few 24 hours. Let the baby sleep and don't wake it - they always sleep lots just after birth - it's a big thing to do. Breastfeed if you can - so much easier... but if it's not going well and it's causing you more stress than happiness, don't hesitate about bottle feeding. Don't feel bad about feeing ready made baby food. And don't worry if they eat like a bird. Or if they eat tons! Don't listen to everyone who tells you their baby sleeps through. Even if true - who cares? It will happen but relax and don't pick them up every time they cry immediately. Don't give them a dummy if you can help it... it's really hard to get them off it! Relax about potty training. If they don't take it it within a couple of weeks then they aren't ready. Try later. And most importantly, get as much help as you can if you can, whether that's friends and family or paid help like a cleaner. Finally take a step back and laugh if it all gets too much.

• Biggest misconception was that I would have this massive rush of love for my baby as soon as he was born. I didn't have it and after a difficult birth it made me feel even more rubbish. The love grew quickly though. Just not how the books and magazines describe it.

• I thought sharing the night feeds and changes with dad would be important but actually I was less tired when I just breastfed my baby myself rather than faffing with expressing, and it also meant dad was rested for work. Dad is doing his share by going out to work two jobs for us!

• I would tell myself to say no to being induced.

Misconception: that all first births take a long time ie 12 hours. Fact all births are different.

Not important after all: Can't think of anything... Lots of things I thought were important turned out to be, like having my mum there to argue my point with the sister about not needing a jab of pethidine 2 mins before birth. Etc etc

Tell myself: don't let them send your partner away when visiting times over: you were booked for a home delivery because you wanted to be together.

I had no real misconceptions because I had no clue at all. But what I would say is:

Trust your instincts. I was so sure I could feel DS1s head up in my ribs, but midwife kept saying no, its his bum. It was not his bum, it was his head.
If I'd had more faith in myself I would have paid for a private scan just to put my mind at rest. I didn't though. His birth was hugely traumatic which I don't think many first time parents anticipate. We spent a year worrying about brain damage and I cannot tell you how lucky we are that the oxygen deprivation due to being breech and getting stuck did not have any obvious detrimental effects. (and in the aftermath, I was told that he must have turned at the 'last minute' which is b*llocks. He was always breech)

I've really racked my brains but all I can think of is that you will have an urge to push and that will override all pain I didn't have any urge to push either time and the pain was such; (unbelievable claustrophobic pressure in pubic bone) that pushing was the last thing I wanted to do and was very bad at it
Also second labours are easier mine was so much harder that I took an ELCS for 3rd and 4th births

Biggest misconception - that a midwife would stay with me throughout my labour. The reality was they were really busy & short staffed which resulted in my husband having to fetch a midwife when I wanted to push.
What would I tell myself? Leave my modesty at the door and collect it on my way back out!

What were your biggest misconceptions, and how they affected you, during and after?

My biggest misconception was that birth was easy, and I'd have an instantaneous bond with my baby. Breast feeding was a doddle and wouldn't hurt. PND is sooooo obvious.

My first birth was the scariest thing that ever happened to me. I was 19 and terrified when my son wouldn't come. Thankfully I avoided a Caesarian section by sheer luck, ending up with a forceps delivery. But I had no bond with my baby. I breastfed but it flipping hurt, and I cracked very badly. I gave up after 3 weeks and felt wretched for it. I also suffered very bad PND and hid it because I was scared my baby would be taken away from me even though I hated him.

I wish I had been able to employ a doula as I did for my later births. My mum helped as much as she could but even she didn't have answers for everything.

What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

Having every lotion and potion available under the sun. Water was around a loooooong time before Johnson's! Being very self conscious about, well, me! I felt like a beached whale, but the professionals were just that... Professional!

And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Say no if you don't agree! Or at least have a very good birthing plan in place, pleeeeeeease! Take plenty of snacks, because it probably won't be done and dusted in less than 6 hours. Push for a doula if you really really really really want one. And speak up about water birth too. If you don't ask you don't get!

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

I didn't realise how clinical it would be and how much it would hurt!

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

Cute clothes for the baby..when it came to it I didnt care what she wore!

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Be selfish, if you don't want visitors, say no. It will hurt, more than anything, but it will be over eventually!

My answers are influenced by my first child arriving 7 weeks early and at high speed (5hrs between first indication of labour and (natural) birth), so it was all rather a shock!

Biggest misconception: that I would have lots of choice about what would happen during labour. DH and I had been to half the NCT course before DD's early arrival and had drafted a birthing plan. The NCT course info was very useful, but the idea that we had lots of choice in what happened was laughable... (I have to stress here that the hospital staff were fabulous and the lack of choice didn't matter too much to us, but we do have friends who needed similar medically supervised labours/births and were very upset because their expectations were so at odds with their experience.)

Things that I thought would be important and weren't: hospital bag. I arrived at hospital in labour with DD with my work bag and cycle helmet! (No, I didn't cycle to hospital but I did cycle to work that morning.) I had nothing hospital bag related and the only things I wished for were my toothbrush and a nightie.

What would I tell myself: make time for DH as he found the whole experience very harrowing. (DD was whisked off to an incubator in the NICU. He really thought that she was going to die.)

Biggest misconceptions and how they affected you, during and after?
I was terrified of having an epidural after reading negative things about it and felt like a failure when I 'gave in' and had one in the end, but it really wasn't such a big thing and helped me have my beautiful baby son.

The things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be? Having every last thing packed in a bag - only really needed basic washbag and fresh clothes for me, and a small suit for the baby. Oh - and a car-seat!

If you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say? Don't worry about showing the staff how perfect your birth is going to be, all they want (like you) is a healthy mother and child at the end

Biggest misconception - I mistakenly thought that the night staff on the postnatal ward would treat me like a human being.

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

I thought i would be able to handle the pain - I was wrong! I thought once the baby was out the hard part was over - again wrong!

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

My birth plan - I dont think they looked at it once.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Brace yourself! And I hope you dont plan on leaving the house for the next 2 weeks..

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

How long i would be in hospital before coming home, the reality of needing to wait for the paediatricians to come round late afternoon and do their checks first and then realising actually the baby needs help and you're rushed to NICU for spinal tap etc and then kept in for a week being woken up at 1am and 1pm to take baby in a pushchair from ward to neonatal unit for twice daily antibiotics and then finally going hom probably more sleep deprived than most.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

not to worry about shaved legs, painted toenails etc. Just push!

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

"do you think that you could be leaking waters onto that free Tena pad from the bounty pack, rather than wee?" Maybe i might have avoided the whole NICU situation if i'd realised i had a slow waters leakage and not ended up with prolonged ruptured membranes, being induced at 42 weeks to a massive 9lb6oz baby, with bacterial in spinal fluid and a stomach full of bright green bile....

I was quite terrified of the birth and whist its quite good to know about the stages of birth and the mechanics of it all happening but you don't have to turn yourself into a medic, just read gentle accounts that your mid wife recommends.
Your body has been quietly and busily preparing you for birth over these months as well as developing and sustaining baby. I think of it as a special kind of mummy power. I wish I'd realised that, that you are going into labour a much more mentally and physically capable and resilient person to deal with giving birth. Everybody's experience is different and their pain thresholds are too there isn't anything wrong in asking for pain relief when you feel you need it because if you get distressed then baby could and that's a situation best avoided.

Don't listen to other peoples horror stories its quite an incredible experience and mums often do like to emphasise on the over dramatic side with the result that they scare the bejeebers out of pregnant Mums quite unnecessarily. I advise you to count the children of Mums like this and I bet you will find that they didn't stop at one because they couldn't face going through it again. Good Luck and best wishes to anyone about to have the most exciting parcel delivered soon.!!! I thought I would be worried about everyone and his dog traipsing through the delivery room and seeing my bits but after a while you stop worrying about these things I remember them putting my legs in that stirrups contraction so they could do a bit of embroidery on me after babes was born. Well your legs are splayed apart as far as they could go. Well I was about as exposed and vulnerable as I could be with loads of staff milling in and out but whilst the midwife was stitching me up I dozed off and just let her get on with it