Want to help myth-bust childbirth for first-time mums? We need YOU. NOW CLOSED

[MichelleMumsnet]

Hello folks,

For many of us, having a child of our own will represent our first adult contact with a real-life baby - and as you'll no doubt remember, the learning curve can, at times, feel vertiginously steep. One of the brilliant things about Mumsnet is that you can come on at any time of the day - or night - and have access to a vast group of people who've been through it all before. So we thought it would be a nifty idea to turn the virtual support group into a real-world one - which is why, come September, we'll be hosting our very first BumpFest, a one-stop-shop for parents-to-be.

For first-timers, the idea of birth itself can be terrifying. So we're planning to kick off with a panel discussion on the myths around childbirth - and in preparation for it, we wanted to ask you about your own experiences in the field.

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Thanks in advance for your input - everyone who posts will be entered into a prize draw where one MNer will win £100 Love2Shop vouchers.

MNHQ

Misconception: I didn't quite realise how stressful staying on the ward would be. The staff were all lovely but I didn't sleep a wink and when husband was chucked out at night I felt quite abandoned.

What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?
The birth plan was a bit pointless - the pregnancy was very straightforward so I was planning active labour, possibly water birth etc. In the end they were worried about baby's heart rate so I ended up stuck flat on my back so they could monitor him, followed by epidural and caesarean.

And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?
I totally wasn't expecting a Caesarean so the first week was very tough as we weren't expecting me to be incapacitated. Another time I would have a friend/relative on standby to come and help just in case - it was such a relief when my mum turned up.
Get a litter picker (only a few pounds from Amazon) as it's frustrating not being able to bend down.

misconception

1. that you can make a birth plan

• nice idea but reality has other ideas

1. that bf is hard work and hurts

-ds took to it like a pro and we never looked back, he was bf for over a year

not important
-natural birth etc, in the end I realised the only important thing was getting ds out safely
-what clothes/knickers/music etc etc there was. It was all irrelevant

what I'd tell myself
-get induced as early as possible 42 +2 is along time over due, I ended up with intervention and a BIG baby.
-bring food (chocolate) for after the birth, after 24 hours a piece of toast doesn't cut it,
-get a photo of dh with ds, the magic expression on his face was priceless and I didn't have the camera, he did

Birth plans getting lots of bad press.

They are not a plan of what will happen. They are list of preferences which apply in many situations. The act of making one is very valuable if you do not know the processes of birth. Here are many things on there you might knot realise will happen or might not realise you have a choice in. Getting you to think about these things in advance - and research, ask others if you wish to - is invaluable.

It's not 'I will give birth like this' more like...

Would you like a managed or a natural third stage? Do you know that a managed one means an injection of hormone in the thigh immediately post birth? Do you know why you might opt for one or the other? Who would you like in with you in the event of a c-section? Are they ok with that? Have you checked? Have you any allergies or phobias? In the event your baby goes to special care would you like someone to accompany them? Do you mind if they are given formula or a dummy when you are not there?

It can be beneficial to think about these things in advance.

I have made three birth plans. Including one for loss - do you want to see your baby when they are born, would you like a photograph of your baby, these things are important. As for people not reading them, did you or your partner ask them to?

I wrote my preferences in big letters and stuck them on the walls.

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

Bf would be easy. If only! I am stubborn though and despite many weeks of excruciating pain, 6 months on I'm still bf.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

I was worried about what I would wear in the birthing pool. I can guarantee that that was the last thing on my mind when I arrived at hospital!

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Finish packing that hospital bag tonight and go to bed early after enjoying a romantic dinner for the last time!

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

I thought she would be early, but she was 9 days late and I was very grumpy about it!

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

Having a bikini for the water birth - I really didn't care!

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

You will feel like you have been hit by a bus after so don't eat all your freezer meals, make more!!
Also have your guests come in one go so you and dh have more time resting.
It will be ok!!

Misconception - C section is awful, don't get bond with baby instantly as normal delivery would, breastfeeding is difficult! These were misconception i had before and spoilt my last few days worrying about it when date of c section was fixed due to breech baby
Fact is, lovely calm experience, felt baby just after birth and it was wonderful sensation ever fed her straight away without any problem & i love my daughter!!
Dint need : is to worry so much about birth plans, hospital bag, i dint even remember what is in which bag :p at last i couldn't get a comb while coming back from hospital
Tell myself : Relax, enjoy every minute of sleep ;)

Biggest misconception was that breastfeeding would be really difficult - it wasn't easy but nor was it painful, embarrassing or torturous.

I dodn't really have anything that I thought would be important. I suppose I was rather keen on having a natural birth and ended up with a forceps delivery but in the end it didn't matter to me.

What would I tell myself the day before... Stick to your guns and don't let them persuade you to have pethidine, and ask for gas and air because no one even suggestd I have it until I was rushed up into consultant led care.

I ended up with a baby in NICU for ten days and I think that I would say to anyone else in that situation, particularly as a first time mum, if they say you can then hold your baby as much as possible. I don't think I held mine enough. When you get home, go to bed with your baby and stay there. Co-sleep (safely) and follow your baby's needs. Before I was pregnant I actually thought routines for sleep and feeding were important. When I had the baby I felt totall differently.

When i was pg with DD1 everyone including my own DM said things like its nothing, its soon over, you forget about it. Only best mate was brutally honest and shared what happened when she heamoraged (sp) when they told her not to stand up but she did as she was so out of it she thought they said stand up. She had massive blood loss and described it in detail saying it really hurts you know, you will be shocked.

i also remember antenatal classes and the lady saying when they tell you to stop pushing you must stop pushing, if you didn't you could tear from here to here. I always remembered it, stopped pushing and haven't had any tears

DD1 was back to back and i got sent home 3 times by the same midwife. I was finally admitted at 840am and had her at 11am. I wish someone had told me to be more assertive or told me about back to back labour and how you would spend hours pushig with nothing happening whilst feeling like your back is breaking and your arse exploding. Midwives who havent clicked your b to b trying to make you lie on the bed and telling you this the part of labour no one tells you about, go home and take a paracetamol, you have got hours yet in the middle of established labour. Turns out i would end up having 2

I wish someone had told me about the excrutiating agony of that first wee or how sore your breasts would be.

i wish someone had told me its ok not to have people queing up waiting to meet baby and no you dont have to bite your tounge ans rush. Take your time and everyone can wait. Same when you get home, take some time for yourself and baby, everyone else can wait.

My biggest misconception was that everyone felt the initial rush of love when their baby was born. I felt nothing and was so embarrassed and ashamed at not bonding with him that I couldn't really tell anyone. I didn't start to love DS1 until he was nearly a year old and the whole time I felt like I was looking after someone else's baby.

Didn't need - most of what was in the hospital bag! And certainly not the maternity tankini I'd bought for the serene water birth i was going to have...

What I would tell myself - that not bonding with your baby is NORMAL, and that lots of people have the same experience. I'd also tell myself to be honest and talk to the midwives/ health visitors. I eventually told the health visitor after a week or so and she was very helpful with tips for skin-to-skin, baths etc so when she asked a week later if it was any better, I lied and said, oh yes I think so. When really nothing had changed.

Biggest misconception - that labour is the difficult/painful part. Was not expecting to be in so much physical pain in the days/weeks after birth (largely due to a big tear that meant sitting down and going to the bathroom was very painful for weeks).

Also wish I had been told about night 2. I was at hospital frantically googling "why is my baby refusing to sleep", and the midwife came in and said "oh yes on their second night they eat all the time and don't sleep, that's normal". Uuuummmm might have been useful to point that out at some point before the birth???

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

I thought that the birth would be the most difficult and I would have 9 months of just getting fat and eating what ever I wanted when in reality I lost weight because I couldnt eat anything I like no sweet things no tea no coffee just bacon sanwiches and cheese then I got SPD and ended up in sever pain and on crutches with my first and in a wheel chair with my second. I was in labour for a week with both my children and the birth was actually the easiest part! I am still suffering with SPD hip back and neck problems and still limp if I walk too far 16 months on.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

I didnt think breastfeeding would be that important and I didnt know if it was something I wanted to do if it happened it happened. I am so pleased I breastfed because its an amazing bonding experience and I breastfed both children my son still breastfeeds at 16 months

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Dont get pushed into anything you dont want to do. With my first I had on my birth plan no injections just epidural. The midwifes spent the whole time talking me out of an epidural and said I had to go through the different stages of pain relief.
Be more confident as everything will come naturally

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

Biggest misconception - that there would be a 'rush of love', and that breastfeeding would be a bonding experience. I just felt scared after giving birth - that I was totally responsible for this fragile creature who was a complete stranger to me.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

To be honest, breastfeeding felt massively important at the time. But DD had other ideas. Whether it was undiagnosed tongue-tie or whatever, the weight dropped off her and it didn't work for us. I felt like I was failing as a mother and crushed by my inability to overcome the problem. Looking back now, putting that pressure on myself didn't help anyone. And in the long-term it arguably made little difference.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Just do what gets you through. A well-briefed birth-partner is invaluable as you really don't want to be getting into conversation mid-contraction! The newborn days are hellish, they just are, but they don't last forever.

1. The pain and fear of the pain were exactly as I imagined. I was so pleased that my birth plan consisted of this: epidural.

1. That sodding hospital bag.

1. I never expected to have to sign an emergency delivery form. Everything had gone so well. I never imagined I'd hear myself saying to DH "if it comes to it, chose the baby not me" and being deadly serious.

We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

I didn't realise that after a C section I'd still bleed so much. Probably not as much as vaginal births, but don't have anything to compare it to (2 EMCSs).

Also, just because you have 'birthing hips', it doesn't mean the baby is just going to shoot out. You can still have a narrow birth canal which stops you from giving birth vaginally.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

I thought I wanted my mom to be there (which was fairly impossible with a large ocean separating us). I've been completely ok with living overseas for years, but all of a sudden I had this overwhelming panic that I couldn't do it without her. I think it was just fear of the unknown, and actually it was just fine! She was lovely, told me that it was a time for DH and I to be together, and she was right.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Enjoy that gas and air, it will be the best high you'll get for a long time!

I was surprised in a way that I still felt like me - this sounds odd I know. I was still me, talking to my Dh and to the midwives as normal between contractions.

The more scared you are, the more you will tense up and the more it will hurt. If you can try not to hold onto any tension through a contraction it does make it easier. What I discovered on my second birth though was that this isn't the case when you get to the pushing stage - then you do need to tense up to use your muscles effectively.

It helps to remember that if it all goes wrong they will just put you under and do a c section. They baby will come out somehow. The midwives and doctors are very experienced and will keep you safe.

• what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

I had many! I didn't really understand how everything changes once you have a baby and that nothing would be the same again: somehow, I thought that normal life just carried on, but with a baby in it. How wrong I was...

I also thought I would instantly fall deeply, madly and completely in love with my new baby, but I didn't. I really wish I had know that it was ok for that not to hit right away, as I felt like a failure and it took me a long time to understand that the really terrible delivery I had just gone through, and massive exhaustion, meant it wasn't surprising it took me a while to take it all in.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

All the kit we bought in advance! I still had completely unopened bottles of talcum powder, gripe water, baby oil, baby lotion etc. etc. in the cupboard 5 years later when dc3 arrived :)

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Relax, enjoy your baby and enjoy the cuddles. Even if you're incredible focussed on routine and sleep (as I was), it really is completely ok for your snuggly little newborn to fall asleep on your shoulder now and again. It doesn't mean that they will never self-settle again.

I look back now, and massively regret the speed with which we rushed to put dc1 to bed as soon as the first yawn appeared. He never got to snuggle down in my arms, and I definitely didn't spend enough time cuddling him when he was little. I've made up for it since, though

Writing a birth plan doesn't mean anyone will read it.

Being in hospital doesn't mean that a midwife will actually be there when baby makes an appearance.

Staff will bully you into doing what they want and you will be powerless to do anything to stop them.

misconception about birth.... that it wouldn't be so difficult that I would assume the baby was stuck and would never come out!

biggest misconceptions

-That I would be able to tell people what I needed. I was absolutely shocked that when the contractions were coming fast and strong I couldn't speak AT ALL. I didn't know what was happening and I couldn't ask. I really thought I would be "directing" it - instead I felt that I wasn't in control at all.
(It was worse with my second child and I still don't know what happened during the birth)

• That it would be a self-contained process with all the stages clear. My waters broke nearly a week before DD1 was born. Pains started, got worse, stopped again. Went to hospital every day to be checked. Finally induced after five days.

-I thought I would still be "me", witty, funny, verbal, - I turned into a sort of primal animal.

-That the pain would be terrible. It was - but it was also wonderful. It was positive, I felt powerful and elemental/primal like nothing I have ever felt before or since - but the pain was positive.

and how they affected you, during and after?

I still wonder about DS and what happened ... and wonder if it was ok, (he slightly slow and I have never quite known if he suffered during birth). Otherwise - no effects. I'd do it again if I could.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

-Having my DP there. He was not much practical help and mot much of an advocate for me as he was also shocked by the whole experience and a bit in awe of the staff. I would have preferred a professional, experienced person to be my birth partner.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say? "Your daughter is going to be the absolute joy of your life and a whole person in her own right - these few hours are just a means to an end."

misconceptions
That the medical staff would only be thinking of things from my point of view, they obviously have all the women in labour on their minds and you need to be your own advocate.

What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?
I thought that wearing the right birthing outfit would be so important so I could have the skin to skin I wanted but it didn't matter at all. What you wear doesn't matter and isn't worth thinking about.

And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?
Use your voice, you'll know if you need intervention, listen to what your body is saying

Misconception - that the labour ward would be noisy full of screaming women, it was really quiet and nowhere near as scary as I thought it would be.
Did not need playing cards music etc nothing could have distracted me from the pain.
I would tell myself to get as much sleep as possible and try and relax more.

Misconception - that the MWs and doctors were there to help you. Nope. They ignored my cries for pain relief. It was either "too soon" or "too late". A MW slapped my thigh and told me not to push as I had to wait for the doctor and his scissors.
That I would have no internal exams - I was held down by two MW as a doctor gave me VEs and a sweep without my consent. He also broke my waters - without telling me what he was doing.
That I wouldn't have an episitomy - without any pain relief, the doctor cut me without my permission, to use forceps on my DS.

Important - my dignity. I wanted to die to get away from my abusers. I didn't care how many people were watching me with my legs splayed. One of the MWs invited some student doctors into my room to watch a forceps birth. Without my consent. I still remember the look of disgust one of the young women gave me. I was naked. Lying in blood and other foul liquids with my legs in stirrups, with total strangers watching my agony. For their "education".

Go back - I would tell myself to stay home to give birth.

Misconception- that I would do things my way and be in complete control. No chance...
Important things- packing the perfect bag and lovely nightwear before was nice but of no importance whatsoever during and after labour. Same for not screaming or making a fuss, important before but not when the pain really started LOL.
The day before- I would tell myself don't be bullied into having pethidine or anything but gas and air as having 4 children I remember the last 3 as wonderful experiences(gas and air only) and the 1st as a nightmare.
To be fair I am an oldie and epidural was not normally available. My daughter swears by epidural and I might go for that if my first birth was tomorrowx

Misonception - I am quite a prude and I was horrified by the thought of a vaginal examination and being undressed. I had eleven V.E.'s. I didn't care. At all. I also stripped off butt naked at one point and have a memory of the midwife saying "We have to get some clothes on her...."

I also didn't care about the colour of the room, the sensory decorations, the comfy sofa in one of the rooms that I previously had hoped to get.

What would I say - it hurts but it will end. Also, day one post partum insist they teach you to latch your baby on properly as they promised you they would. A small amount of firmness on your part will reap large rewards, and your nipples will thank you.

I packed all lovely nighties and dressing gowns. And make up. I actually didn't care what I looked like.

I had a CS and was catheterised immediately after. I didn't expect that. I thought I would be sat up in bed and cradling my newborn . I actually couldn't move, and had the nurses changing my sanpro pads for me.

I thought I would breast feed and it would be lovely. It hurt and I ended up with blood blisters all over my nipples, I couldn't hold DD properly due to CS scar and my milk did not come through.

I thought I would see my baby for the first time with her in her birthday suit. They actually dressed her in a hat, babygro and towel when they took her off to weigh her. So I couldn't even see what colour her hair was.

I thought I would get some sleep. I got about 90 mins in 3 days! I have never been so tired.

But it was magical in a way you cannot imagine beforehand