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[MichelleMumsnet]

Hello folks,

For many of us, having a child of our own will represent our first adult contact with a real-life baby - and as you'll no doubt remember, the learning curve can, at times, feel vertiginously steep. One of the brilliant things about Mumsnet is that you can come on at any time of the day - or night - and have access to a vast group of people who've been through it all before. So we thought it would be a nifty idea to turn the virtual support group into a real-world one - which is why, come September, we'll be hosting our very first BumpFest, a one-stop-shop for parents-to-be.

For first-timers, the idea of birth itself can be terrifying. So we're planning to kick off with a panel discussion on the myths around childbirth - and in preparation for it, we wanted to ask you about your own experiences in the field.

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Thanks in advance for your input - everyone who posts will be entered into a prize draw where one MNer will win £100 Love2Shop vouchers.

MNHQ

My biggest misconception was that first babies are always late.

If I could go back to the day before my waters went I would tell myself to call in sick to work, pack a hospital bag and buy some tiny baby clothes.

Misconception - The pain will be bad in your vagina when pushing.

Fact - The pain is actually in your bottom. Ouch. Although the piles are definitely worth it, not looking forward to Round 2! :/

If I had my time again I would have an epidural. I was induced and it was horrible

I just wanted it over with where I had been looking forward to experiencing the birth

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

That I would be compos mentis enough to decide what I wanted during the birth. The reality of having been in labour for 25 hours was that neither DH nor I even thought about refusing the one intervention I was and am sure I did not want (forceps).

That I would be allowed into the hospital when I needed pain relief. Instead the midwives made me wait until I was crying down the telephone. Horrific.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

The birth plan, the birthing pool. Both might have been of some use had I been admitted half a day earlier, by the time I was finally in hospital I just needed an epidural fast.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Sleep. Do not leave hospital once you are there, even if asked to. Insist on an early epidural and proper care afterwards.

• I assumed my labour pains would be in the stomach...no, all in the back. What I thought was really bad back ache was in fact my contractions!! Why had no one told me this could happen lol.

• It wasn't important how I looked or what I was wearing. I didn't care one bit when things started.

• Hahah. It's already been said but pushing is just like passing a poo! Just do it. Don't be afraid of actually pooing. Also, it will be hard but it'll be worth it. Finally, after the pain of birth comes the pain of being stitched up.

Biggest misconceptions I has were that it would be this magical moment, not really sore (otherwise why would so many people do it over and over again??) and that it would be over reasonably quick. It was a very magical moment but that was all I got right there!

What I thought was important and turned out not to be was my outfit. I had specifically bought beautiful pjs to wear imagining all these post baby pics being taken and wanted to look fab. I ended up in a bra as I was too hot and uncomfortable! Then after baby came I was actually butt naked lol

What would I tell myself the day before - that my body will do what it needs to do and to trust it! go with the flow. This baby IS coming out whether it takes an hour or 3 days. It's not been a phantom pregnancy all this time (which is what I started to think during labour as it was taking so so long!)

Reading through these I think the biggest misconception is that you can have any real idea what your experience will be like by listening to other people's stories!

For me personally, I was very worried about the pain - it scared me even before I was even considering having children. In the end though it was far far easier than I anticipated. My body did all the hard work, it pushed when it was time to push - the important thing for me was to relax and let it do what it was designed to do.

On the other hand pregnancy sucked as much as a big sucky thing could, so my expectation of easy pregnancy/hard labour was completely turned on its head.

I'd tell my first time self to pack some food! No appetite 24 hours before labour, then 12 hours of labour finishing way after the hospital could provide food meant that my first night and morning after giving birth was spent very very hungry. Midwives are lovely, but nurses on the postnatal ward are jaded and have seen it all and can be singularly unhelpful.

Biggest misconception around the birth was that I would get time to recover afterwards. My hospital had a sort of all natural policy with immediate skin to skin etc etc and I vaguely thought that sounded quite nice but after a 25 hour labour, and with my husband being kicked out in the evening leaving me with twins, I'd rather have had that first afternoon to sleep and have a shower rather than getting to know them. Heartless I know.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

I read all that stuff about the first time you can go swimming, first time you can do strenuous exercise etc etc. Well it wasn't a problem waiting because my girls are two now and the only exercise I get is running after them!

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

I would have a boringly precise set of instructions.

1. Don't take paracetamol for the initial contractions because then they won't be able to give you dihydrocodeine at the hospital (as the tablets also contain paracetamol) and if you want anything before the epidural it will be gas and air and pethidine, both of which you don't want because they make you high
2. Stay with DH while he is parking the car as he's high as a kite and will get you a parking ticket (he did!)
3. Take a blackout sleeping mask thing and earplugs. You'll be able to hear the babies through the earplugs, don't worry, but it should screen out the reggae playing on the radio at the nurses station. God I hate the NHS sometimes

My biggest misconception was that it would be a hideous, painful, marathon with blood, sweat, poo and tears everywhere. I was terrified.
I would tell myself to relax and stay calm.

Misconception : If I want to have a 'natural birth' I can ??

( I'm talking mostly first time labours.)
Well if all goes to plan, that's great and if you need no pain relief that's just brilliant. I have met so many mums who were disappointed because that didn't happen. Just be open to the fact that every labour is different. Trust the caregivers.

Not important : (to me anyway) my dh being there during my labour. (he conveniently ran off to buy chocolate for a few hours) I was much more relaxed and focused just me, myself and the midwife.

What I'd advise : Do NOT wait for the midwives to tell you, you are not ready yet in 2nd,3rd + babies. You know, yes you bloody well are!

First timers. Do not read stories off the internet. Each experience and labour is as unique as the baby itself and....... when they come out they look like ET.

• Biggest misconceptions?

What with all the talk of birth plans, I thought I would have a lot more control over the birth. I've had 4 children (between 1994-2007) & only for 1 of those births (2001) did anyone pay attention to my birth plan. It was the most relaxing of the 4 labours too.

I also had the opposite problem to Ipbarton - when my first baby was born, I was exhausted & in so much pain that I didn't instantly fall in love with her. It will sound cold, but I was more focussed on just getting her fed then trying to get some sleep. In my defence, she was born at 3:34am.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

The birth plan. You can have a general idea of how you want things to go, but you have to either be really insistent or just accept the staff know their job.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Get plenty of rest now and stand your ground. I was 19 & too easily intimidated by the hospital staff.

One final note
Please don't let what I've said scare anyone off. Each woman experiences labour differently. For some women, it's a really easy affair. Plus women opt to have several children, which proves no matter how tough it might get, it's worth it!

We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

My biggest misconception was that pain relief was available at all points in labour. It isn't and many hospitals won't administer pain relief until you are x cm dialated.

My next misconception was that midwives helped you with your baby when he/she had been born and you were on the ward. At best, they checked in twice per day on us.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

Number of babygrows, type of nappy, what to wear when you give birth. All not important.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Stand up for yourself. Demand an epidural earlier. There is an anaesthetist on site. At least demand a consultation!

Biggest misconception would be that I would get a choice as to what happened and what care I would actually get. It was not the lovely fantastic amazing experience (other than having a child) that I was told it would be,it was frightening,worrying and very very scary. I didn't know that I would have 16 other people in the room with me and not have a clue as to what was going on. It affected me afterwards as my childs face was particularly damaged which I had not been warned about.
The hospital were I had my child done the best they could in the circumstances but the aftercare at my local unit was awful,they couldn't care less about me or the baby how some of them are parents I will never know.
It really made me think twice about having another child as I am so scared that the same thing or worse will happen.

I thought that the atmosphere would be important,what music I had,who was there.
Survival was the most important thing.

Listen to the midwives not all these family and so called friends telling you not to do this and not to do that. Don't be a hero just get through the birth.

Misconceptions - I totally underestimated what it would do to my body. I thought having the baby was the hard part, but it was the after effects of childbirth that wiped me out. No one told me how painful it would be - my tear, my pelvis, everything. I didn't understand that the recovery would take more than a few days, which is idiotic, I know, but once you've given birth it's easy to forget how big a deal giving birth is, and what a trauma it is on your body.

Things that didn't matter - the fact that about 20 people saw me pretty much naked, legs and bikini line not being very well tamed etc.

What I'd tell myself - to stay calm, it's half the battle. And that's during and after childbirth. And that giving birth is the easy bit!

Biggest misconception. For me I was terrified I wouldnt know what to do. I had never even changed a nappy. As soon as I saw her it was like a switch had flicked on and I instinctively knew what to do.
Didnt need half of the clothes I got her so much unworn and that was before all the presents.
Thing I would change. I would try to bear the pain longer before going into hospital as it all slowed down when we got there and I ended up after 24 hours with an emergency c section
What I would tell myself is breastfeeding on demand is great unless you have a sleepy baby and to find out where the breastfeeding support is before I had my baby

I really thought it would be easier than it was. I found it incredibly hard for the first few months. This could be down to the fact that DS had an undiagnosed medical condition and was premature. As a single parent I was doing everything my books and magazines told me were correct. I didn't dare do anything my own way!
I was worried I wasn't doing anything right and couldn't believe that so many other parents around the world were going through this. If I'd thought about things a little more in advance I could've made it easier.
Turned out I was doing fine (of course!) - this is a common worry for first time mums that they're not doing it right.

I really thought having hundreds of toys would be important but actually, a newborn baby doesn't really appreciate that many and would be more than happy with just a few and lots of cuddles and being spoken to / read to / sang to instead. I also found muslin squares completely pointless. I read that people couldn't be without them but I never found out what their use was.

If I could go back and tell myself a few things it would be:
Yes the weight will go but you will have a bit of a bump afterwards for a while!
Don't be afraid that you're not being perfect all the time. Instant formula in a bottle because you're exhausted and it's 3am? Just DO IT.
It will seem hard but it gets easier and that little person will be a wonderful friend to you for the rest of your life.
It will change your life. Enjoy a quiet bath, meal and sleep while you can!

Biggest misconceptions: That I wouldn't be able to cope with the pain. I was terrified of giving birth. It went a lot better than I expected, and the emotional high afterwards made it an overall amazing experience. Now getting the placenta out I hadn't even thought about, but that turned out to be a nightmare - almost ended up in surgery after a natural birth!

Things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?: What you wear and how you look!

If you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?: Some advice I was given which really helped - listen to your midwife. When she says push, push - and stop when she tells you too!

Misconception - That gas and air is a wonderful thing! I was coping quite well with labour pains, but the MW insisted I try gas and air as it would 'take the edge off the contractions'. After a few minutes on the G&A I began projectile vomiting all over myself; so I spent the final hour of my labour feeling very sick, smelling of sick and naked as I had no clothes left.

Didn't need - I used everything I took with me.

What I'd tell myself - Pack a flannel/cold water spray for during the birth. The final stages of childbirth make you HOT and you will want something cold on your face to cool you down.

My own experiences varied from scaring me to death to being really relaxed. All were c-sections - 1st emergency & other 3 planned. If I could go back to 1987 I would tell myself to let me body do what it wanted to do & not listen to mw's as much. See the pain as a positive pain and not be so frightened of it. Things might have turned out differently and I may well have been able to have all 4 of my children naturally if I had.

This is a great article about not fearing birth too: www.bestdaily.co.uk/your-life/news/a585122/is-childbirth-really-such-a-risky-business.html

I was very lucky and had two wonderfully joyful experiences at home. With my third child I had pre-eclampsia, so he was induced, but even that was bearable - with an epidural. We can bear a lot more than we think.

So I would say, listen to what other mums tell you (you can't avoid it anyway) but be prepared for your own experience to be completely unique. Also, try not to worry. Find out what it is that is really frightening you well before the birth and see if you can come to terms with it.

And try to see beyond it. Focus on your baby, and how you will feel when it's all over.

My biggest misconception was that labour would be the worst thing ever in the whole wide world. I know that every woman's birth experience isn't same but for me personally, it wasn't that awful. Compared to how long you live, labour is an extremely short period of time and you get a wonderful result at the end of it. It made me feel a bit frightened before the birth and especially towards the end of the pregnancy because I was dreading the pain. However, during the labour, when I realised it was manageable using the pain relief provided, I felt much better and confident. After the birth, I felt confident that I could give birth again one day.

I thought it would be really important for DP to cut the cord but in the end, all I wanted was a hug. I also thought that it was really important that the baby was placed on my chest with its "bits" covered so we could do the grand reveal together. In the end, an excited student midwife said "oh she's gorgeous!!" Far from being annoyed, I was just so pleased that she was here and dying for my first cuddle.

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to chill out No one cared that the stencils in the nursery weren't quite right. FGS, we didn't even use the nursery for sleeping in til she was about 6 months old. I would have just enjoyed my last day of peace and quiet with my feet up and a book, not worrying about silly things.

Biggest Misconceptions

1. That the dad would automatically feel as connected as me to the baby during the pregnancy stage. The dad was head over heels as soon as the baby was there and he could touch it but he confessed that during pregnancy he felt connected during the scans but as the changes weren't happening to his body he felt a bit detached.

1. That my 9 month maternity jeans would fit after the c section and that I could wear them out of the hospital when taking the baby home( after the baby was born they could have a wrapped around me 3 times )

I was a complete sucker for the handbooks/advice leaflets- if the book/ leaflet said it then I thought it was the only way things could be done. Second time round I trusted my instinct and gut more and things were a lot more relaxed.

I would tell myself to chill out , accept help from all quarters and have at least one nap per daytime because if you can get sleep everything else seems manageable .

Misconception - that prgnancy and birth are important. Obviously they are in terms of growing and getting the baby out - but then it's all over and everyone has gone and you have a baby - a real live baby - to care for and very little preparation.

Message to day before self - there is no shame is short cuts and asking for help - people WANT to help - you will not be a burden

And - didn't need - paper knickers - horrible things - just bought some big cheap ones from Primark could throw away if needed to - you're all leaking and sore anyway so at least could have comfy knickers on

New parents want to operate in a world where everything is black and white, where there are rules which they can follow (for pregnancy, childbirth and parenting) that will guarantee their prefered outcome. However they are entering into a world which is myriad shades of grey and where nothing is guaranteed. And when things don't work out as expected they (especially mums) blame themselves terribly and feel they have let themselves and their babies down.
I wish that new parents would be a bit gentler on themselves, realise that being flexible and changing your plans and expectations is a sign of maturity and good sense and not a sign of failure.