Want to help myth-bust childbirth for first-time mums? We need YOU. NOW CLOSED

[MichelleMumsnet]

Hello folks,

For many of us, having a child of our own will represent our first adult contact with a real-life baby - and as you'll no doubt remember, the learning curve can, at times, feel vertiginously steep. One of the brilliant things about Mumsnet is that you can come on at any time of the day - or night - and have access to a vast group of people who've been through it all before. So we thought it would be a nifty idea to turn the virtual support group into a real-world one - which is why, come September, we'll be hosting our very first BumpFest, a one-stop-shop for parents-to-be.

For first-timers, the idea of birth itself can be terrifying. So we're planning to kick off with a panel discussion on the myths around childbirth - and in preparation for it, we wanted to ask you about your own experiences in the field.

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Thanks in advance for your input - everyone who posts will be entered into a prize draw where one MNer will win £100 Love2Shop vouchers.

MNHQ

• Biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

That you will instantly love the baby. I felt nothing for the perfect little creature in the crib and had no inclination to care for him. Really hard when you thought you really wanted this baby and didn't think you would have one (fertility issues). Mental health plan was drawn up before I was discharged, but he was 6mths before I felt anything for him. Still struggling with PND every day. He's 10 mths now. Some people just aren't small baby people, neither of us were.

That breastfeeding shouldn't hurt. Toe curlingly, dizzyingly, breath catchingly, tear inducing painful. On top of above I dreaded every feed. And then at about 6 wks it miraculously became painfree and I'm still feeding now.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

How I birthed - water etc. All preferences were removed when I was admitted with pre-eclampsia. I was asymptomatic and didn't know I was getting ill. Chance blood test picked it up.

Lots of big knickers. I spent 2 days hooked up to drips with a catheter and lying on Moli sheets. The bleeding had pretty much lessened to period volumes by then.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Have your birthing preferences but be prepared that these may not apply. The most important thing is to go in as 2 and come out as 3, everyone fit and well. Get your rest. We all know breast is best, but having a fed baby and a coping mum is more important. If you need to or want to use formula do so and don't feel guilty. (You'll probably find loads of breastfeeding mums are topping up anyway.)

And what gazzalw said!

I never realised how long after birth I'd feel the effects. 6 weeks in I'm still feeling it! (Assisted delivery, 2nd degree cut) I've had an infection and my pelvis us still severely bruised!

On the plus side I didn't think I'd cope as well with lack of sleep as I have!

Biggest misconception: you need a birth plan. Nope. What will happen, will happen. Have an idea what you would like, but don't write a plan that will detail everything that will happen as it invariably won't. I was having a water birth. When the time came, I wouldn't go near water and my idea of no epidural blew out the window as I ended up with a c section!

What would be important:
Having family around for the first few weeks. Where did I get that idea from? The first few days yes, but after a week or so you need time and space to learn being a family.

What would I tell myself:
Go with the flow. Things may not turn out how you expect. (They didn't! C section and scbu at full term due to both of us having an infection!).

Misconception - didn't realise how much time I'd be spending BFing - get organised with a TV remote, a pile of good books, a mobile phone, and a stack of DVDs - under-estimated need for entertainment (own needs you might say, compared to ....)

Didn't need - most of stuff I acquired for baby - she just needed me really (so over-estimated baby needs, especially stuff wise)

What I would tell myself .... you can do it, you're going to be great . And this time tomorrow you'll have a dd in your arms (don't forget it's about a baby as slightly bizarrely no-one will remind you of that during the birth!)

I was pretty relaxed about it, I thought what is a day or two of pain when you then have a lifetime with your child.

During labour, stay active! Pay hubby said you are not allowed on that bed till you are pushing, so I stayed on the ball and walked around the room. When I did get on the bed I was on all fours. I am sure it helped as I was only in labour 2 1/2 hours.

So I would just say to stay relaxed, don't worry about it. I wasn't in hospital more than a few hours so hardly used anything in my bag but it is good to be prepared.

What I would tell myself - take a few more photos of us when she was first born, so should have told hubby.

Misconceptions

I thought I'd burst into tears when I saw my little bundle of joy like they do on 'One Born Every Minute'. (Because yes, I watched that ferociously in preparation of The Big Day!) But there were no tears. I was really happy and amazed and overwhelmed but my eyes stayed dry! I felt bad about not crying afterwards. I thought that would be a part of the experience of seeing my baby for the first time! Ah well.

I thought I would have contractions and back pain and know that the end was nigh and that labour had started! But no. I was sat eating a sandwich and felt this TMI Alert river of warm fluid burst forth and soak my pyjamas and the sofa! I was so confused! lol This meant I had no warning signs that I would be giving birth soon. I wasn't prepared. My waters just broke suddenly and we went to the hospital in a taxi! This un-prepared-ness meant I didn't think about what else I might need during my stay in the hospital as I didn't have a gasp hospital bag fully ready to go!

I thought giving birth would be painful. But it wasn't for me. Contractions are uncomfortable, but the pushing stage was quite easy for me. I found that the most painful part is the soreness down there in the weeks after and the bleeding and washing stitches if you had any. crosses legs just remembering! Also, I thought I would swear and squeeze husband's hands and all that cliche stuff you see in the movies. But I got my head down and barely made a sound! I could hear other women giving birth and didn't know why I was so quiet... Maybe it's because I'm still shy even when giving birth lol

I feel so stupid for it now but as I didn't breastfeed, I didn't think I would wake up drenched. I didn't even realise I'd need so many breast pads after giving birth! I hope to try breast feeding next time and so feel I'll be more clued up!

Not so important things

Pain relief, if you're not struggling too much with the pain. I think sometimes women might automatically go for pain relief when, if they gave themselves a chance, they would realise they can do without it. By the time I got into a room and hooked up to some gas and air, it was go time and the gas and air was useless at that point. I was in a nice hot bath in the hospital for about 2 hours before that and that was good enough for me! Afterwards, I realised I gave birth without using pain relief and I felt really happy about that. It makes me nervous about doing it again, though, because no two births are the same!

If I could go back

I would make sure I had a properly ready hospital bag with more than a few outfits for the little one. I'd make sure I had a coat/jacket for if it's the colder months. More nappies and wipes, too. I had a hospital bag but I had nowhere enough stuff in it and felt really unprepared and hated having to ask. I would tell myself to ask questions of things I wasn't sure of and make sure I know how much milk to give my baby - whether it be formula or from the breast. I would make sure I had another change of clothes for myself and be prepared to stay in over night and I would take more snacks! I would also buy a baby carrier!

Ohgod. Sorry for the essay!

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

That I would have any control over the situation whatsoever. I know they can't be discussing the pros and cons of an epidural with you in the middle of your contraction, but doing the plan gives you the illusion that you will be able to choose, whereas in actual fact you are completely at the mercy of circumstance.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

Second the person who said what to wear, and what to pack in my hospital bag.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Go with the flow during the birth, don't hold on to the idea of a natural (or even just vaginal) birth. Don't let the night staff bully you.

Misconception- that waters would break and I'd know when to go...they didn't and I turned up very late to the hospital!!

Didn't need- clothes!! Haha I stripped off as soon as I was prepped and ready in the hospital and paced/swam/howled in the nude the whole time!
Surprisingly did like- music, DH pestered me into making a playlist and I enjoyed so much I was singing along in between contractions! Also LOVED gas and air...I went through many canisters and was completely off my face making some very amusing comments indeed including demanding cocktails in the water bath and asking DH and the midwife if they'd like to join my in there because I believed it to be a jacuzzi!! (funnily enough they politely declined!)

Tell myself- do not allow anyone to interfere or break waters. Trust instincts and get on all 4s or on birthing ball for 'pushing' stage. Make sure you have all the pain relief (medicinal and alternative e.g witch hazel and tea tree oil) ready for home for afterwards.

Forgot to add...DO join a MN antenatal or postnatal group with ladies due around the same time as you. Best support network and they will keep you sane!

Misconception - I thought broth would be a bit more like the movies with waters breaking dramatically, screaming etc. Actually mine have been quiet but intense, and while the transition stages (and lead ups) did hurt like hell, they've been manageable with breathing and great support from DH and mws and without needing pain relief (and yes, I've been lucky but did have a 2nd degree tear, so it wasn't all sunshine and roses!)

What I did in the lead up was prepare music and breathing and think ALL about being pregnant, which was all good and well but I wish that I had spent more time preparing for the actual having a baby bit, and maybe also a bit more time BUDGETING for the having a baby bit. I also didn't realise how hard the bfing would be, with ds1 I was young and scared and listened to mws saying I didn't have enough milk, and family telling me that bottles would let them help out and stopped bfing within a week, which was such a shame, in hindsight.

For the next 2 times I told myself to go with the experience again, bring more snacks to hospital and most of all to expect bfing to hurt at first, but be totally worth it in the long run!

Health Visitors and Midwives aren't necessarily experts in breast feeding. I was told by a Midwife to only breast feed DD every 4 hours, and I followed her advice religiously because well, she was the expert. I swear DD cried for the first six months of her life, and this advice can't have helped.

With the next DC, every time he cried in the early months, I stuck a nipple in. We were much happier all round!

For most people, when your DC are in their teens, their births will be a distant memory. No one will even think about it or ask about it.

So much emphasis is put on The Birth, when you are pregnant, but honestly, for most people, it is one of the least important things in the long run.

Think instead about how you will prepare this little person for life. You don't get long with them.

I think the biggest misconception for me was that I would know when it was all kicking off. I had no clue. I was lying on the sofa for a day with pains in my back that I thought was from standing too much while being 8+ months pregnant. It wasn't until a day and a half later when the pains got worse and I called the hospital for advice that I was told I was in labour.

Another one was the body knows what it needs to do and will take over... yea that didnt happen either, after being unable to keep any food down during the contractions over the day I was running on lucozade and happy thoughts 13 hours in and had no energy to even try and work out what "bear down" meant, and my body didn't seem to know either.

The last one, was that the baby would be awake and screaming soon as s/he was out. My little monster slept through his whole birth, heart rate didnt change at all during the whole experience - unlike mine :S - so when the last push came and he was out, I feared the worst with this little boy with his eyes closed not moving. He soon woke up, and has been the most relaxed and chilled out baby anyone has seen, but it did give me a fright.

Love OP's use of "misconceptions" in this context...
Anyways, personally think best not to scare the pants pf 1st time mums. I really don't think it helps. A degree of blissful unawareness probably helps with the pain, seriously. Had i known how hard it can be (both birth and parenting) i would NEVER have gone ahead. And i speak as someone who had a textbook "easy" supportive, lovely natural birth. A rarity few experience, sadly. My other birth could not have been more awful different.

Misconception - that I would follow my birth plan. In reality my DDs birth was the polar opposite to what I had planned, I felt quite scared and out of control as her deliversry was complicated...but afterwards, it didn't matter, it was breathtaking when To finally meet her

Didn't need- most of what I had (over) packed in my hospital bag!.... And I didn't need to worry...

What I would tell myself- put your trust in those around you and really, you have an amazing journey ahead of you in the coming years.

My biggest misconception I had was that I would be scared. When it all kicked off you just seem to go with it (although the gas and air had a lot to do with that!) - you don't really have much choice! I had a very easy birth compared to a lot of people though but I was terrified beforehand.

I thought taking things that were on my list from the antenatal classes would be important...straws to drink from....snacks....books....music to listen to...didn't use any of it! The one big important thing we forgot was some clean pants...and my husband had to rush out to try and find some but couldn't find any non g-string types (!) and ended up bringing me some XL men's boxer shorts!!! Just what you want after giving birth ;)

If I could go back and say something to myself the day before I would say 'Remember your clean pants!'....and 'Don't be scared - if all goes well it's just like very strong period cramps and even if something does go wrong there's nothing you can do and it will be dealt with and hopefully the end result will be the best thing that ever happened to you!'

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after? I thought the pain would be unbearable..it was, but momentarily.

I thought I'd care about my modesty during labour, I didn't! I expected to turn on my partner during the second stage, that didn't happened either. I didn't give much thought to needing stitches, but i never expected it to be as uncomfortable as they were!

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

I thought having a good leg wax, toiletries, etc to hand were important, but I quickly found out that I didn't care! I did find though that a long nightshirt was great for labouring in.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

You're stronger than you think, you're body will know what to do. Breathe through your contractions...tell them to feck off when they suggest pushing when on your back. Get on all fours!! It will all be ok x

Thanks in advance for your input - everyone who posts will be entered into a prize draw where one MNer will win £100 Love2Shop vouchers.

Biggest Misconception: that it would be really quick, I had contractions for three days! I rushed into hospital when I was only 1cm dillatated and had to go home.

What was important: I was really glad that I'd always kept an open mind about pain relief and assistance with the birth, like a lot of my lazy daisy class I had an epidural and forceps but some of the girls were really gutted as they'd put so much emphasis on a natural birth, if your labour doesn't require assistance fab but remember you're not really in control and you should still feel proud of your birth however it happens.
My other tip would be dont bother with paper knickers you will feel uncomfortable enough as it is! Just buy some cheap ones which you can throw away after if necessary

What your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

-One of my biggest misconceptions was my belief that if I had to have anything other than gas and air I would be failing. I fought against taking any other pain relief, even though I'd been awake for over 24 hours before I was admitted to hospital at 4cm. I beat myself up for months about the fact I had pethidine and I believe that probably contributed to my PND.
-Another was the fact I believed that breastfeeding was always possible if you wanted it enough. My son wouldn't latch on. He never did. I also didn't get any support. I'd tell others to look for breastfeeding help before labour if they feel strongly about it, but to go easy on themselves if it doesn't work out.
-That I would know how to push. I didn't. I was pushing wrong for hours. I only got to the instinctive pushing stage once he was halfway out. This led to me getting panicked and frustrated.

What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

• Packing things for myself in my hospital bag.

-Worrying how I looked.

• Not having pain relief.

If you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?
-Be kind to yourself. This is the first time your body has done this. Relax and take the pain relief when you need it, rather than suffering due to the implication you're "better" if you manage without and to ensure birth partners are aware you want things photographed!

Misconceptions :

the more prepared you are the easier it will be.
It will be so lovely that all pain will feel like nothing.

Things I thought were important:

I was pretty spot on in my feeling that 'women have given birth for centuries' why bother forking out for antenatal classes/yoga etc

I didn't think I'd be bothered about how i looked afterwards but I did... And I was ashamed to be in pics looking half dead with my beautiful new baby.

I'd tell myself:

Stick with your gut instinct. Know your body.

this sounds totally ridiculous but as no-one had told me otherwise i genuinely thought it true...As my boobs grew so much during pregnancy, I imagined that all the milk that baby would ever need was stored in there during pregnancy ready to be used up. I had no idea that breasts keep producing milk according to demand.

I also hadn't got a baby change bag ready when baby was born. I knew I needed a hospital bag but hadn't thought beyond that so it was off to the shops with a new baby and a sainsbury's plastic carrier bag in tow until i sorted out a changing bag.

I also had no idea breasts would 'leak' milk. Especially after having a few days before my milk came in where i didn't even wear a bra and then suddenly finding streams of milk all down my t-shirt!!! Came as a shock.

Misconceptions: The movies make you think that your waters break first and this is the first sign that you are in labour. I was at home for ten hours before heading to the hospital wondering why they hadn't broken yet and whether the hospital would admit me if that hadn't. As it turned out, I was almost fully dilated when the broke, or burst, as it was, and baby was born only twenty minutes later. Don't rely on waters breaking as a sign that you're in labour

I also assumed that breastfeeding would be a fairly straightforward process, but in reality I struggled for days to get DS to latch on and I was getting so worked up about not being able to do it, that I spent most of the time in tears, convinced that I was a bad mother. There should be far more anti-natal preparation focused around feeding and no-one should be made to feel like a failure if you can't get it right. The ward I was on in the hospital had a horrific midwife, shouting at new mothers who couldn't get it right and that was piling on the pressure even more.

What did you think would be important?

I was being very practical, which isn't like me at all, and although I had a birthing plan, I knew that there was every possibility it wouldn't be stuck to. There were two things on the plan that I thought would be important, and these were things that I could be in control of, firstly, I didn't want my husband going up the business end and seeing what was happening and secondly, I wanted the baby cleaned up before being handed to me. Once I was in labour, the last thought on my mind was where my husband was standing (incidentally, he had a sort of side on view, so while not facing the action straight on, he could still see enough) and once the cord was cut, I just wanted to hold my little boy straight away, I didn't care what he might be covered in.

A final note, slightly off topic, everyone I know with children was telling me beforehand that, yes, labour is the most intense pain you'll ever experience, but that you will forget it after a while. I didn't believe them, because if the pain was that horrific, how were you ever going to forget it? Its now just over three weeks since I gave birth and whilst the experience itself is fresh in my mind and I know that it hurt, a lot, I don't really remember the pain, so perhaps all those mums were right. Your focus shifts entirely to the new little person in your life and the pain is quickly forgotten. I know it may not be the same of everyone, but I was lucky to have a straightforward labour and birth, with just Gas and Air, and so it wasn't as traumatic as some women's experiences.

Misconception - that I'd love my baby instantly and hearts and rainbows would be twinkling around. Fact. I felt like I'd been hit by a train, I was relieved and wanted just a minute. It took me about 16 weeks to get that slam into you love feeling, I cared for dd, hugged her, would have protected her, but for me the intense feelings took a few months. I felt a fraud as everyone kept telling me they got the rainbows. Since then I've made it a mission to tell people it's ok if you don't get them,that's normal too.

Didn't need: kindle, ten machine (epidural, now!!!) sweets, anything other than scruffy nighty and baby clothes.

What I'd tell myself now: it wasn't as bad as I expected, after hearing horror stories of midwifes ignoring your wishes etc I'd gotten myself wound up. In fact mine gave me everything I asked for (sometimes I did ask loudly, with swearing, twice) and explained everything to me.
That you bleed like you never thought possible, ever, it is not a heavy period, it is like something has been slaughtered, that's normal!!