Want to help myth-bust childbirth for first-time mums? We need YOU. NOW CLOSED

[MichelleMumsnet]

Hello folks,

For many of us, having a child of our own will represent our first adult contact with a real-life baby - and as you'll no doubt remember, the learning curve can, at times, feel vertiginously steep. One of the brilliant things about Mumsnet is that you can come on at any time of the day - or night - and have access to a vast group of people who've been through it all before. So we thought it would be a nifty idea to turn the virtual support group into a real-world one - which is why, come September, we'll be hosting our very first BumpFest, a one-stop-shop for parents-to-be.

For first-timers, the idea of birth itself can be terrifying. So we're planning to kick off with a panel discussion on the myths around childbirth - and in preparation for it, we wanted to ask you about your own experiences in the field.

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Thanks in advance for your input - everyone who posts will be entered into a prize draw where one MNer will win £100 Love2Shop vouchers.

MNHQ

Misconception .. That I would have a water birth in a mid wife led unit and want to stay for a couple of days. I had an emergency transfer to a hospital gave birth an hour later and couldn't wait to get home.

Didn't need.. I didn't actually need take that much as I wasn't totally organised but breast pads ended up in the bin.

What I would tell myself.. To make sure OH had the camera on him and not in the baby bag which got left in the ambulance in the rush. The first pics were mobile phone ones and not quite the same.

Misconception 1- that anything would ever be the same again. Life is different now, but better.
Misconception 2- that I would be able to follow my birth plan to the letter. You do what you have to at the time. I didn't even get my music on in the labour suite (but at the time I didn't actually care about it).

Childbirth was both harder and easier than expected. I hadn't really considered how long it could take, nor had I any idea how intense the contractions would be, but they were not constant and they were a means to a very wonderful end. They also didn't hurt as much as I expected, it was a different kind of pain. Gas and air were my drug of choice and they helped me to ride them out.

If I could tell myself anything it would be to just go with it. Don't be afraid to move around (being on all fours was so much easier and more comfortable- if you can call it comfortable while pushing a small person out of your vagina) and that any pain is worth it for the bundle of joy at the end.

Misconceptions - that a lot of the simple pain relief ideas might not work for you as an individual - eg being in water during labour made me feel horrible and nauseous, and any attempt at physical contact, counterpressure, massage etc felt terrible and somehow distracting: luckily my DH knows me well enough that he could see I was stressed by this, and steadfastly ignored the midwifes encouragement of these strategies- she kept saying he should be more involved and supportive. But he did exactly what I wanted - to be there, be his usual self and let my physically get on with it.
Misconception - that gas and air made me an absolutely hilarious raconteur (apparently it didnt ). Epidural was like having a lovely person wrap me in a warm blanket and after that I actually made some progress with labour.

Didnt need - music, birth ball, lipsalve, about 90% of the hospital bag lots of the things people tell you to bring for comfort. Didnt feel like eating or drinking at all during the labour. Birth plan (never left the bag)

What I would tell myself - take it easy for recovery, follow your physios advice, take good care of any wounds. ask for help and make shameless use of any help offered, sleep as much as possible with a newborn and dont feel you have to be polite about crap advice or behaviours from professionals or family members!

Biggest misconceptions-
That you instantly love you baby. It took weeks with both of my DC.
That you can ever really control how you give birth. Especially the first time around. Your body and the baby are in charge!
That breast feeding is natural and will just happen and that everyone can do it. I did but it was one of the most stressful (and painful) experiences of my life. It is so hard and it is so relentless.

Music is pointless.
Active labour was hideous.
I just wanted to be left alone.

I'd tell my self -
Check your stitches better. I could hardly bear to look and I ended up with them healing with my labia fused together! Had to have corrective surgery.

Biggest misconceptions - That as a well educated first time mother, with a birth plan, that the staff would try to let me have the birth I wanted. For my subsequent children I could do what ever I needed to do to keep comfortable during labour, but the first time, I ended up giving birth flat on my back, even though I kept asking to stand up as that was my body's overwhelming need. Then they shouted at me for not pushing the baby out quick enough, I would have if I'd been upright. I know they were very busy, but that's no excuse. This made the birth needlessly uncomfortable, and probably contributed tp my tearing.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be? - All the stuff you buy! Babies need clothes, bedding and a sling that's it. We co-slept and breastfed and had loads of crap we'd bought unnecessarily.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say? - Yes, you can sleep through the first 12 hours of your labour, amazing isn't it! And also, just get in the position that's comfortable to you, they can't manhandle you back onto the bed. And you should make a complaint about the student nurse who told you off for grunting, and the consultant who had large unhygienic pieces of jewellery, giant rings, huge dangly earrings etc and didn't wash her hands before taking my blood.

I was always terrified of having to have an amniocentesis done after seeing it on the tv. I was absolutely horrified when they told me when I was pregnant with my first born at my first scan which was at 23 weeks that I would have to have one because there wasn't enough water around the baby which can indicate the baby has serious kidney problems or even no kidneys at all which would mean she wouldn't survive outside my body. Well I needn't have worried about the big needle aspect at all, you don't have many nerves in your fat on your tummy I can honestly say it didn't hurt, there was just a bit on an odd feeling of pressure where the needle went through. The blood test they took from me afterwards was more unpleasant than the amnio. Obviously the results and outcome was a worry but in my case everything came back normal, she's 23 now!

Regarding the birth I would tell first time pregnant Mums to take horror stories with a pinch of salt, I'm not saying that giving birth is a piece of cake and I recognise that some women do have a horrendous time. However giving birth is such a powerful and awe inspiring experience that a lot of Mums do like to share all the nitty gritty details in glorious technicolour and relive the experience and I think a bit of exaggeration comes in. Maybe not intentionally but this can often scare the pants off pregnant Mums, these same women I often observe go on to have more children so obviously its maybe not quite as horrendous as some make it out to be. What I found is that your mind and body somehow come up trumps on the day and seem to give you extra coping powers, more pain tolerance and extra energy reserves, maybe its in the hormones.

Another thing I worried about was the baby suddenly coming in a mad rush in the middle of Tesco's but although you do hear a few stories of babies being delivered in the back of taxis for most of us even on 2nd and 3rd babies it does take a long time.

Also I worried about knowing whether I really had gone into labour or whether I was just having practice contractions but found that when you go into labour properly you aren't in any doubt at all so if you are unsure it means you aren't in labour.

After my first baby my after pains weren't really too bad but after the second one they were very bad and difficult to cope with and I had heard they got worse with each successive baby so was really worried when I was pregnant with my third about what I was in for this time but actually they weren't very bad at all for number 3.

On my first baby I had to have stitches for an episiotomy and a tear, when they carried out the cut I didn't actually feel it at all which was a worry for me prior to giving birth also I didn't feel anything at all when they did the stitches, which surprised me. I did bleed a lot from this and both I and my husband were quite worried and shocked at the sight and I thought that something was seriously wrong but it was just the episiotomy and I did have a blood transfusion but they didn't do it until 4 days later just to get my iron levels up.

All in all the things that I worried about the most turned out to be the things that I shouldn't really have bothered worrying about at all.

Misconceptions - that a mw would be present throughout, that I would be logical during labour, that breastfeeding would be easy and natural, that I could control the pain by will power...

What wasn't important - what I wore, having an episiotomy

What I would tell myself - I really don't know, I couldn't possibly have understood the level of pain before I actually experienced it. I was afraid during labour, I wish I had known that nothing was wrong and that what I was experiencing was normal - I thought something was going wrong because my experience was so far removed from the fluffy experience the NCT had described.

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

That having a C section or epidural would somehow take away from the experience of giving birth. They didn't. I had a lovely labour under epidural, felt it all without the pain. The EMCS and the ELCS a couple of years later were also lovely experiences, especially the ELCS as they gave me tranqs an hour ro so before.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

My self dignity. Being shaved, having a midwife rummage around up there, being cleaned up after surgery, even the enema I had before the ELCS (common over here) - none of it bothered me.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Don't worry too much - it doesn't have to be perfect, and there's no medal for not having pain relief, not having a cesarean etc etc

What your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?*

Biggest misconceptions - that health professionals would be tripping over themselves to help and support you. That was very much not true. I don't mean that they were rubbish (well, some were) just that there are so many other women in labour that most of the time you are just left to get on with it. Also I assumed I might understand what was happening to me, as in that whole 'at one with your body' idea. I didn't!

I thought I would be bothered (as in, feel it was important) to have some control over what was happening to me and the decisions that were being made, and it turned out I wasn't. It was all just happening and I went with the flow, really.

What I would tell myself - or any woman about to have a baby - is that none of it matters. Apart from a few obvious limits such as not having anything done to you without your consent, and no one unnecessarily hurting you, what actually happens during labour doesn't matter at all. The less expectations you have the better, as there will hopefully then be nothing to be upset about if it doesn't go to plan. Your labour will be what it is, and the only really important thing is you all come out of it relatively well.

Without sounding too negative, if asked to be honest about labour I would say that

• it might be overwhelming and a bit scary, but that's fine, try and relax. It's not as bad as some people say it is, but equally don't worry if you do start getting overwhelmed.
• you don't have a huge amount of control over a lot of things, so try not to get too attached to a particular birth plan. Try and have a mini birth plan for each kind of scenario - this for a vaginal birth, this for a CS etc
• as long as you all come out ok it doesn't matter what happened during your birth, not in a competitive way with other mums. But it's common to have questions afterwards, so do ask for a debrief if you need to talk through anything that happened.

I cared deeply what I looked like and what I was wearing and who saw me and how I looked.

It is ok to care. Feeling inhibited because you are worried about how you look and who can see can impede the birth process. The whole 'leave your dignity at the door' thing is disgraceful, unhelpful and disrespectful.

Equally it is ok not to care. And possibly more healthy. But telling people they will not care is only your experience and may not be theirs.

First births can be fast. Telling every set of expectant parents it will be a long time between the first contraction and the birth will lead to a lot of first time mothers being ignored or dismissed as I was. Told to have a bath and a paracetamol and call labour ward back in an hour. My baby was born befor that hour was up.

I agree it is OK to care. I was surprised but relieved when I didn't.

What your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

That I should rest before and at the beginning of labour and take it easy, when I should have been active doing all sorts of lunges and bends to bring on strong contractions. I ended up having a very long birth, and the contractions didn't get strong enough so I had nasty interventions to assist the delivery which have resulted in lots of pain and mobility issues.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

A birth plan- it just made me resentful that staff didn't pay any attention to it.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Don't be afraid to make weird noises you have not made before - like a fox, they are completely natural and suppressing them is not. Move around the way you want to and don't expect anyone else to be able to tune into the experience as much as you. You are centre stage, you are the expert of what you are feeling, face up to it and take the lead.

Biggest misconception - That an induction would be unbearable, and I'd have no control and be unable to manage without an epidural. I was induced for high blood pressure and was terrified, but actually I managed a drip induction with gas and air and diamorphine. Hypnobirthing techniques really really helped (as did dancing around the labour room, holding onto my DP and the drip stand!) and having music playing was great too.

Didn't need - My birth plan I'd wanted a waterbirth, as little monitoring as possible etc. I ended up with a drip induction, gave birth on my back (not flat), continuous monitoring but they rigged it up so I could still move about.

What I would tell myself - Relax and go with the flow. It's great to aim for a peaceful relaxing zen birth with water and whale song, but if you get fixated on it, you'll ruin your own experience if it doesn't work out that way. The experience isn't the important thing - getting the healthy baby at the end of it is. And tearing really isn't as scary as it's made out to be

What I would tell myself.. it's nothing you can't handle. So true and women are incredibly strong.
I had this idea that I could do it without pain relief which didn't exactly go to plan as I ended up having an epidural. Next time I will be more relaxed and go with the flow. I've no idea why I put unnecessary pressure on myself before hand

Misconception: that the hospital staff actually cared. They didn't. They weren't remotely bothered what kind of birth I had, failed to listen to me, ignored a serious medical condition, and made decisions (more or less without any reference to me) which totally disempowered and ultimately traumatised me. Being shouted at for ringing for pain relief less than 12 hours after an EMCS was the icing on the cake.

What I would tell myself: you will survive it.
You will still be having nightmares and flashbacks in 4 years time, but with the help of someone who actually listens and cares and understands (thank you Sheila Kitzinger for letting me cry and rant when you answered my telephone call to Birth Crisis) you will be brave and fierce enough to do it all again, and this time - with the support of respectful and empathetic midwives - it will be fine.

• what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

That my induction would be carefully managed and monitored - it wasn't.

That I would be looked after, cared for and supported - I wasn't.

That anyone in the hospital would care about making sure both me and my baby were safe and healthy during labour - they weren't.

That there would be some privacy during labour - there's wasn't. I was left in full-post-induction labour on a very public ward. With a woman who was going through a 28 wk mis-carriage. Beyond awful.

That sensible pain relief would be available - there wasn't (DH went off to find a portable G&A unit for me in the end)

That a nurse wouldn't administer an epidural top-up without checking my first - she didn't (and then panicked and told me to 'push' 10 minutes later).

That it wouldn't take 8 doctors, 2 anaesthetists and 3 nurses to deliver a fairly straightforward back-to-back birth - it did

That there would be breast-feeding support post-birth - there wasn't

That my baby and I would be safe - we weren't.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

A birth plan - hah! An utterly useful piece of paper that a) wasn't relevant and b) not a single member of staff in the hospital even glanced at.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Go to a different hospital; don't let yourself be pushed around by crap medical staff; trust your own instincts.

When you hear negative feedback about a hospital birthing unit and the quality of the midwifery support, even if it's 2 weeks before you're due: change hospital!

That it won't 'be ok in the end, as long as the baby is healthy'. I've had two more dcs since, and (as you can probably tell) still haven't recovered from the trauma of my first birth.

My relationship with ds has definitely been affected by the mental and physical damage done by the medical team handling his delivery. He's nearly 9 now, and I'm still not over it.

Try not to plan the whole thing like some sort of project at work: Giving birth is about as natural as life gets and every birth is different; sometimes events take a surprising turn and you just have to go with the flow.

A lot of 2nd /3rd /4th-time mums will tell you that they didn’t even bother with a birth plan… which says it all about the importance and usefulness of the birth plan first time around!

Don’t panic at the pain; it is all perfectly normal and, if you can, just zone in and concentrate on the task in hand.

Be assured that your body knows exactly what to do and after 9 months of being pregnant, you’ll know pretty much what’s in store.

Remember that the majority of births are actually quite straightforward.

The medical staff helping you do this for a living; there isn’t much they haven’t seen.

Holding a tiny baby that you’ve created is a great anaesthetic for the (very natural) pain of labour and giving birth.

Take time to enjoy those first euphoric hours of indescribable joy… before the day-to-day chaos of a newborn baby takes over your whole life in the craziest ways!

Misconception - that you go into hospital and stay there. I was sent home twice before being admitted on my third visit. I assumed that when they tell you to come on that you were about to have a baby. I felt disappointed and nervous about being sent home.

What wasn't important - most things I had planned and prepared for. I was worried about being wet from my waters, making a mess of the sheets etc. whatever it is, the midwives have seen it all before and worse!

What would you tell yourself? - Believe in yourself, you can do it. I had two quite different labours and if you had told me about either before hand I would have said I couldn't do it. In truth billions of women go through it and survive with a beautiful baby to enjoy at the end. You possess a strength you never knew you had!

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after?

My biggest misconception that if you just prepare yourself and breath through it everything will be ok. It might not and it's not your fault if you need a hell of a lot of medical intervention as long as your baby comes out ok. The longed for earth mother surrounded by water type of birth doesn't always happen for some of us. Don't feel bad about it

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

Afraid of being naked in front of lots of people. You really won't care.

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say?

Don't let DH out to play football (he split his kidney in half was in hospital for 6weeks and missed the birth of our DD!)

Biggest misconception was that because I was calm and relaxed I would be able to do it with no problems. I skipped the pages in books about intervention and c-sections sbd truly believed this would never happen to me! This idea was not helped by the birthing class I went to and also led to me feeling dreadful and like a failure after.

I thought my birth plan and birth outfit would be important! Nah!

I would go back and tell myself what will be will be and encourage myself to really believe it!

Oh and also, the hair situation down there is really not important! I was almost crying at the state of mine beforehand but then I had my legs in stirrups and a number of people having a look and a rummage and I didn't think about the bush once!!

That breastfeeding would hurt and I'd need help - it was the most natural and painless thing for me both times.

That an intact perineum should be the whole focus of my birth preparations. I had a massive episiotomy and it was stitched immaculately and healed beautifully and without any pain in a couple of weeks. All that worry and fuss over something that wasn't even a slight issue in the end.

That I'd care about doing a poo on the midwife. Didn't in the slightest. I also wee'd on them when they catheterised me. Bothered.

• We’d love to hear from you what your biggest misconceptions were, and how they affected you, during and after? As someone else said above that I would know when labour started, I too didn't and when I got to he hospital which is only a ten minute drive away everyone expected me to be turned away and I was actually fully dilated. It would be better for more time in ante natal classes to be spent on the other signs of labour rather than timing contractions which I couldn't do in either of my labours.

• What were the things that you thought would be important, but turned out not to be?

Fussy things like gayer dryers!

• And, if you could go back and tell yourself something the day before your first birth, what would you say? To show my husband what everything I had in my bags was and where it was so that the midwife didn't have to find my disposable pants while my husband was still confused by the concept!

Everything seems to be a focus on the birth but that's only the beginning. Suddenly you are expected to go home with your little bundle of joy with not a clue what to do... and no-one really tells you otherwise!