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Childbirth

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Original poster

OMG - my hospital don't let dads stay o/n!!

514 replies

Highlander · 14/02/2006 11:39

are we back in the 18thC or soemthing? I've just found out that dads are 'not allowed' to stay for the first night on the postnatal ward. I'm horrified, especially after hearing all the stories about midwives not helping when you buzz. Maybe they're all too busy making up bottles. When I had DS, no-one was bottle feeding on our unit. DH is trying to calm me by saying we'll get a solo room and he will stay (he's a docotor himself).

I'm really panicing. I had such a good time with DS.

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serenity · 15/02/2006 00:42

I must just look menacing then as they always left them shut for me

nightowl · 15/02/2006 00:52

lol serenity!

bobbybobbobbingalong · 15/02/2006 01:42

Had water birth in a birthing unit, dh was allowed to stay first night and they got him a foam mattress thing to sleep on. After the first night he was allowed to visit whenever he wanted (and that included at 2am if I got desperate). Midwife was firmly of opinion that it's the mum that's in hospital not the baby and was cool about letting dh wander around with baby in sling (going to canteen etc.) while I got some sleep.

On the opposite side they were excellent at not letting in people if you couldn't be arsed.

I visited a friend in a unit with strict visiting hours and she was depressed all morning, overwhelmed with people for 2 hours and then alone and depressed all evening. Sounds crap.

eidsvold · 15/02/2006 04:58

both times - once in the Uk and once here - dh did not get to stay. Even though in the Uk I had a private room.

Highlander - as a c-section patient - I had no problems with anyone coming to help me lift babe out for feed etc. They were really swift at attending to me.

as for being too busy making up bottles - they are simply teats screwed onto premixed formula bottles and they just give you a number so you can feed your babe as needed rather than bring them to you individually - well that is what they did with dd1 when she was on scbu.

Even asking for a private room is no guarantee - I had a private room with dd1 as she was an emergency c-section and then spent time in icu and scbu - so you can ask but if there is someone in a situation like me - they will get priority of a room.

Second time with dd2 I was on a ward for the five days I was in and I really cannot tell you how fab the nurses were. The visiting times for dads were pretty relaxed though and they were able to stay beyond 'normal' visiting hours provided they were not disturbing others. My ward was a four bed ward.

harpsichordcarrier · 15/02/2006 07:29

i think the privacy thing is a bit of a red herring tbh
i must say i am snorting at the idea that ante and post natal wards are run with the concern for women's privacy at their heart - hardly my experience or many others
you can pull the curtains round
i am not sure i see that there is an increased need for privacy at night tbh and there will be fathers around during the day
and at night as well if the ward is mixed and includes women being admitted and in labour
and anyway the need for privacy is not the only concern on the post natal ward
i don't see why the need for privacy should trump a woamn's need for help and support after a difficult birth?
not allowing men in private rooms because of "unfairness" is a bit "jobsworth" too

Hulababy · 15/02/2006 08:00

DH wasn't allowed to stay overnight with me either. i assumed it was the norm. I finally went to the ward, after being in recovery after my cs, at about 2:30am, and Dh was packed off home.

Worst bit for me was that DH wasn't allowed to stay overnight when I had my inductions. So when I started to get huge horrid pains in the early hours I was on my own in a ward with no one to comfort or calm me. I hated that part and just desperately wanted DH with me. They finally got him for me at about 7:30am and he was already on his way anyway as he was so eager o get back.

Hulababy · 15/02/2006 08:05

Oh, re the help after cs - I got none at all. I was left in the ward n those early hours, DD in my arms and everyone left. I couldn't sit up or move properly. i certainly couldn't life my DD toput her back into her cot. So we both just lay there and napped together like that. The only help I got was from my DH, family and friends who came to visit. The MWs were rushed of their feet and had no time. So few staff they had to close the ward next door to me, and they packed off most mums very very quickly after birth, whether they wanted it or not.

Cristina7 · 15/02/2006 08:06

DH stayed overnight when I had DS. Only on the first night during the labour, not afterwards on the ward. DD was by CS in the morning and DH didn't stay overnight despite having a private room. It didn't cross our minds to ask as he had DS to look after at home.

Blandmum · 15/02/2006 08:10

I think that this is a difficult one for them to get right. I would have been happy to have my dh present, not so sure how happy I would have been at other people's dhs being present as I staggered out of bed, with a catheter in place, blood all over my bed and clothes

I also think that 4x snoring would have made it even harder to get any rest.

Goodness knows the two women in my 4 bed unit kept us all up for long enough talking very loudly about the relative merits of vacuum cleaners at midnight....god knows what their dh/ps would have been talking about in the wee small hours

It is sort of like the visiting regulations . while I am sure that my visitors would be the soul of sensitivity and not disturb others ....even if there were 12 of them, Other peoples guests could be a pain in the arse while I was trying to rest

Angeliz · 15/02/2006 08:13

If i was on a ward i have to admit, i wouldn't want men staying either. After both my Births, especially the second, i was just pouring blood, i was in a side room with on suite but it was still awful constantly hobbling about blood stained.
Also i liked just staring at the new baby to myself for a few hours.

harpsichordcarrier · 15/02/2006 08:16

mb and Angeliz - I do know what you mean but surely those problems don't just happen at night? and there are men and children and livestock wandering about during the day when you are feling fragile and postnatal?

Cristina7 · 15/02/2006 08:20

Thin end of the wedge and all that. What next? Chidlren too, MILs? ;)

Blandmum · 15/02/2006 08:21

They pretty much pissed me off then as well

I did suffer at the hands of an open visiting policy. Huge families would decend and stay for bloody hours, kids running amok, grannies f ing and blinding ineffectualy at the kids, while new mums, shell shocked by the process of giving birth, were trying to rest.

The ward changed their policy not long afterwars. Dads could stay all day up to 10. Othre visitors had set hours.

I had a section and found that there was enough support for me. In the end I was so pissed off at the bedlam of the main ward I cried (milk coming in helped I think ) and they gave me an amenity bed. Prehaps I just not a people person ?

Angeliz · 15/02/2006 08:21

Yes probably, i acn't really say what it's like on a ward as i'm incredibly lucky my Hospital has all side rooms with en suite. Just saying how i think i'd feel though as i was embarrasses even when my dad came in and my bed was like a pool of blood!
I guess it's going to be impossible to please everyoone all the time!

misdee · 15/02/2006 08:33

I really dont like the idea of fathers staying overnight. with dd3, she was in scbu. i was wandering down from the ward to scbu in the middle of the night. i think if i had come across a strange man i would've gone barmy. at that point my hormones were all over the place and i was fed up of being in hospital, so coming across a proud father in the dead of night, well.

lockets · 15/02/2006 08:35

This reply has been deleted

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Elf1981 · 15/02/2006 08:37

Where I was (City Hospital, Nottingham), there is a "hotel" where you can stay with your baby and partner, providing it was a natural delivery and no complications. Also depended on the staff, if they were short staffed, they moved everybody to the ward and partners weren't allowed to stay.
Wasn't an issue for me as I had a c-section. DH wasn't allowed to stay, I was in for three nights. The midwives were excellent coming to the buzz, I could not fault them.
I have never heard of partners being allowed to sleep on the wards anyway.

Blandmum · 15/02/2006 08:39

I think the key to this is probably a sensible compromise.

In principle there would be no issue with people visiting, if it were not for those people who don't seem to have much comon sense The hordes who do seem to realise that while it is lovely to have a visit, the mum and baby are not a side show, and probably need a rest. Trouble is, that if you dont have some sort of guide line, some people really will stay all day.

I remember my father was dying in hospital (not the same as giving birth I realise) and people would visit for hours oblivious to the fact that dad was way too ill to cope. Some people just don't have much sense or tact.

harpsichordcarrier · 15/02/2006 08:44

am I the only one who finds this "strange man" thing sexist and offensive?
like any man who is present in the birthing environment is supect, unwelcome and only there under sufferance? or worse, that any man must be a potential threat?
we talk the talk about men being involved but our language betrays our true feelings I think...
imagine if we said "god I would hate to come across some strange woman wandering about..."

Blandmum · 15/02/2006 08:46

nope, I'm even handed. The other woman pissed me off sometimes as well I am obviously not a people person

harpsichordcarrier · 15/02/2006 08:47

is that why you are a teacher mb

Blandmum · 15/02/2006 08:51

Before I was a teach I was just a soft and fluffy bunny!

then I met the kids!

LOL

Joking aside, I think the issue is that when we are ill/ in hospital post partum, or need for privacy/ support from others is deeply personal and changes from hour to hour.

So, for example I needed and wanted support from dh post partum. And then I needed to rest. Other people were needing help while I wanted peace and quiet to rest up. So I wanted my support when I needed it, and wanted other people to bugger off when I wanted my rest. Which might bejust when they needed most support etc.

Just like my dd needed to visit her new brother to bond, other peoples kids were a pITA.

It really is a tough one to get right. Trouble is there will always be some silly buggers woth no sense who spoil things for the normal people.

the shagging story was true btw

Bozza · 15/02/2006 08:55

I am surprised tbh highlander that you were even expecting this. From the run of this thread it is very unusual. And yes other people's visitors are a pain. And HC you are right these problems don't just happen at night. DS was born at 12.01 pm so by the time I got up to the ward, settled down (Dh popped home to change etc but it 30 mins drive each way) and finally decided I needed to go to the loo and to change my pad/knickers so had to walk down the corridor dripping blood it was bang in the middle of afternoon visiting. At least if there are limits on visiting you get respite from that.

At the hospital I was at visiting was 2-4 and 6-8 with Dad's and siblings allowed anytime until 8pm. By 8pm having being in labour the previous evening I was exhausted and DH duly left when the m/ws came round but the DH of the next bed stayed chatting for ages after while I was just wanting to sleep.

All this was part of the reason I opted for a home birth with DD - and it was a much better post-natal experience. Although that was partially because it was an easier birth.

Original poster
Highlander · 15/02/2006 08:57

rather alarmed how many people making the assumption that I bottle feed - noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!

OP posts:
Bozza · 15/02/2006 08:58

mb your last post makes loads of sense and was just why my homebirth worked so well for me. The m/ws actually asked me when I would like them to come back.

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