OMG - my hospital don't let dads stay o/n!!

[Highlander]

are we back in the 18thC or soemthing? I've just found out that dads are 'not allowed' to stay for the first night on the postnatal ward. I'm horrified, especially after hearing all the stories about midwives not helping when you buzz. Maybe they're all too busy making up bottles. When I had DS, no-one was bottle feeding on our unit. DH is trying to calm me by saying we'll get a solo room and he will stay (he's a docotor himself).

I'm really panicing. I had such a good time with DS.

i think it is the norm for most hospitals that dad goes home after the birth of the baby. and i'm pretty certain that no m/w would ignore a call bell, usually the wards have other staff as well, such as care assistants and nurses to help. it may take them a while to answer the bell if they are busy, but i am sure that they would not ignore it completley.

i certainly wouldn't want dh to stay in hospital with me, i want him to go home and catch up on sleep and look after the other 2 we have, i def would not want other peoples dh's staying there either, in terms of noise levels (hard enough to sleep on wards anyway without partners talking away all night, privacy, and just think that there comes a time when we all need to just get on with it. i actually enjoyed my first night by myself with ds2, i was still on a high form having had hom, i had had my c/s early in the morning so had restricted mobility, enough to get out ofbed and pick him up and to get nappies out of locker, walk to the loo etc, and it just gave me a chance to have time to myself and ds2. the m/w were great andanswered my call bell, i don't remeber there being any aprticular delays, there are more likely to be delays in answering your bell in the day when there are visitors around and when staff are trying to complete paperwork for people to go home, and people are awake so require more help.

I've made up my mind - DH is staying. I really feel it's outrageous that he can't stay and help.

Highlander, if you're having an elective, aren't you likely to have it in the morning? So you'll be on your way to being mobile by the night and in most hospitals you do get assistance from the MWs with nappy changing and feeding while you're immobile.

There was a woman in my bay (a teenager I think) who had an em cs for undiscovered breech after quite a fast labour. She came in mid-morning from the op and was charging around the ward, catheter in hand, by the afternoon . So it can be done, lol.

I really hope it's not as bad as you're fearing, but otoh I doubt very much they'll let your dh stay. Bring it up with your MW now though, you never know.

This horrified all the mums to be in the antenatal classes I attended when pg with dd. Especially the fact that if yo ugave birth in thenight your dh would only be allowed to stay with you on delivery suite for 1 hour after the birth before he had to leave.

I had an horrendous first night in hospital.

When I got pg with ds I decided to have a homebirth so that dh could be with me and he gave me more support and help than any of the midwives did.

If there were going to be a next time, I'd go home birth.

i cant believe some peeps were caught shagging! no one and i mean no one was coming near my nethers afterwards for weeks! unless they had a local anaesthetic in their hand.
as someone mentioned, i would want mine but not other peeps men staying!
i would think its also for privacy.
when in hosp i was trying to bf but next cubicles ds kept pulling the curtain and her husband copped an eyeful whenever he could.
my dh was fuming, nearly clonked him one.
maybe thats why- dont want the new dads who are brimming with pride getting into scraps!!

The other issue is the fact that some womens' partners may be under the influence of alcohol or drugs as well, and come back and cause trouble.

When I had dd (my third child) I shared a 2 bed room with a woman who spoke no English and had her entire family (or her dh's) permanently camped around her bed. She had had an epidural and couldn't get the hang of breastfeeding and was totally unable to comfort her baby.

I had dd late in the evening and arrived on the ward at about midnight whereupon the staff insisted I fed dd although she wasn't asking for it. After that, I was on such a high from giving birth, I couldn't sleep a wink all night (until about 5 am when the trains shunting outside my window kept me awake). By mid afternoon and this woman's arrival, I was screamingly tired, not having slept for about 48 hours. But all around me, this woman and her family were yakking away in a language I did not understand (so I couldn't even eavesdrop). There were loads of them there and for the fiorst time I really understood why visitors should be limited to 2 or 3 as their conversation and sheer presence was so disturbing for me.

The family were supposed to leave at about 8, but her dh and 2 sisters stayed on and were trying to get the MWs to say the dh could stay with his wife all night. They finally left at about 10 ish and then all night I was constantly woken up by the woman crying, her baby crying, etc.

I couldn't work out whether I felt sorry for the woman or wanted to walkround to her bed and punch her!

My advice to anyone who wants their dh there would be to get a private room or go home!

i had elec sections both times at 9.30 in morning so dh was there all day and went home at about 8pm. m/ws were brilliant and i never once felt helpless or on my own. 1st time was on big ward of about 20, second time was on a ward of 4. nights were very noisy but m/ws were very visible and hands on. dh was allowed in from 9am to 8pm. VERY glad other dhs/dps weren't there overnight for same reason as morning paper said. it never even occured to me that i'd be left 'on my own' - m/ws were brilliant at helping me try to breast feed and then very supportive when i switched to bottles.
1st time stayed mon to fri, second time mon til weds afternoon.

The Hospital i gave Birth in to both has all private side room. They didn't let Dads stay either. Though they didn't chuck him out, he was there till past midnight with dd1 and i had dd2 and went home the same day. Obvioulsy you can't do that but hope you get what you want.
TBH, when i was giving Birth to dd2 they wouldn't even let my dad wait in the waiting room and sent him out (so he went to the pub!!!).

Our local hospital allows Dads to saty for the 1st night by prior arrangement. No charge but 1st come 1st served.

When I had DS, they were v relaxed about visiting hours for Dads but they couldn't stay over. I would have hated being in a ward with men I didn't know in it - it would have made me uneasy. Not all Dads are kind & loving, some are a PITA and very nosey.

Good luck with the birth, hope all goes well for you

Highlander - you are pregnannt How did I miss that?
When is your C/S planned? Defo no VBAC

Husbands/ partners cannot stay in our unit TBH. Mainly because it is an infringement on other women's privacy and the single rooms are not all ensuite. It isn't very nice to bump into strange men going to the toilet during the night. There is a fold down bed for fathers to use to stay overnight if baby is unwell.
Mothers are given buzzers and midwives ensure they know how to use them. The midwives/ auxiliaries will change babies during the night for C/S mums or for any other mum who needs help. Where are you having your baby? Do they have ensuite rooms? If so, can you not request one if it is free? There are UK hospitals that provide amenity rooms. We don't, it is just pot luck if one is free.

well I don't really buy the "invasion of privacy" thing when there are so many mixed wards elsewhere in the hospital

I think it is indefensible that a new father cannot spend at least the first night of his new child's life with the new family
it is not just a practical issue
if a woman has just given birth she may well want the fatehr there
he may well want to be there
"sending him home" in those circumstances seems to me to be inhumane and indicative of the low regard in which we hold men in the birthing environment

and no it isn't always possible to go home for lots of reasons.
I think the current position is by no means ideal
having read a recent thread on here about women's experiences in the post natal ward I don;t think I am being unduly pessimistic either

harpsichord - I would not want to sleep in a ward with other women's partners there TBH. Mixed wards are the scourge of the earth and are supposed to be eliminated, not replicated.

If there were single rooms then no problem at all. Unfortunately not hospitals have that facility.

Where possible, much better when women can go home to their own beds as soon as possible.

Where there is access to a single room, I have no problem with Dad staying. That makes one rule for one women and another for those less fortunate. Not a fair situation, hence no father rule.

Hello

I have one ds, and when I was pregnant I was just as shocked as highlander to find out that Dad's aren't allowed to stay. TBH I wouldn't have wanted loads of other people's partners around but I think they should be allowed to stay if the baby is born in the evening/night or if it wasn't an easy birth.

I had an emergency c-sec after 31hrs labour, ds born at 8.35pm, dp sent home at 10pm. We only got into the ward at 9.40pm as well so didn't have much time to all have a nice moment alone! This was on a Thursday evening and I hadn't had any sleep since Tuesday evening and found it impossible to sleep there for the next 3 days (only got 2 hrs a night). No help with bf unless I asked for it. The midwives were ok but I felt a bit cheeky buzzing all the time. Next time around I will definitely buzz when I need it instead of struggling.

This is what I have learnt now for next time...

1. Sleep in the day when dp can be there with baby
2. Buzz as much as I need to without feeling guilty!
3. Try and sleep in early labour or all day before elective date if I can!
4. Have early morning c-sec if at all possible

Oh yeah, one other annoying thing was it said strictly 2 visitors per bed. Even though it was awkward I turned some of my family down only to find that in the bed next door was a gypsy girl who's family of about 12 all piled in and the staff said nothing

Nottingham City has a hotel attached which all can stay in together but otherwise one of hte things I ask expectant parents in classes to consider is what will be happening to M&D 1 hour after, 3 hours after, 6 hours after, etc. And dads realise that they will be leaving to go to an empty house

It's one of the big pros that many people who give birth at home mention - that they will all be tucked up in bed together shortly after baby is born.

Sometimes if there is no pressure on the labour rooms you may be left in there or perhaps even forgotten about so may get to spend a little more time together (this happened to my sis and her DH but he had to leave eventually.

As for mixed wards - I was horrified on DD's recent hospital stay that children's wards now go up to age 18 and there are 17yo 'boys' and 'girls' sleeping in the same bays as each other and much younger children (my 9yo DD, a 3yo boy). I would much prefer to see a separation of ages/sexes although not sure how - maybe under 1yo/up to 5yo, up to 12 yo, 13-18yo, the last single sex.

To sum it all up, with private rooms, help etc.. I'd say you get what you ask for

Forgot to say, good luck I'm sure it'll all be fine

how can i put this in a way that isnt crude? well i certainly wouldnt want other women's partners wandering around a ward while im asleep, have my wee bag hanging over the edge of the bed(c section), possibly showing my bum because the blankets have fallen off (i jiffle a lot) and with the possiblilty of erm..leakage in my bed while im sleeping and cant do anything about it!

i also would have found it quite upsetting as i didnt have a partner when i gave birth to dd.

Wouldn't have expected dh to be able to stay in normal circs. However, when I had ds2 I was very anxious and didn't want to be away from him, for reasons I won't go into here- don't want to upset or worry anyone. Anyway, had a lot of contact with a specialist midwife, who tried to arrange amenity room, for dh to stay for at least the first night. As it happened, had massive pph in theatre and spent first 24 hrs in HDU (which was HEAVEN, 1 to 1 care, big shock when went to ward!) DH was able to stay with me, which was nice, but a bit of an extreme length to go to to get my wish!

Similarly, with dd, last Sept, had pph in afternoon after late am section, and was sent back to delivery suite by tea time. Incredibly lucky that I knew the afternoon and night midwives very well, and so dh was able to stay until 10.30pm, when he went home to see to ds2. I agree that if you can get a private room it is easier for them to stay. Out of 10 nights in hosp all together, only spent 2 on wards, rest in amenity rooms, and dh could stay.

When I had dd, there was a really young girl opposite who had her baby in the early hrs and her equally young partner was sent home. I felt like crying for them! However, partners are allowed at our hosp 8am-9pm and he rolled in around 2pm!! It was nearly visiting time then too. Felt really sorry for her that she could not have had her mum there

Very and at some of the stories on here- MaggieT and Rach69 springing to mind. Rach69- was this with the baby you had recently, or am I thinking of someone else?

Actually, just asked dh about this, and his take on it was that partly they allowed him to stay because I was so ill (both times) and also because whilst he was there they didn't have to keep coming in to help! (with dd) Probably true

re the whole privacy thing - do you not pull your curtains round the bed? Or am I just really antisocial as it's the first thing I do? So long as they keep the noise down to a dull roar, if I can't see them, I don't care who's visiting who or what they're doing .

yeah and the midwives pull them straight back!

actually seeing the post further down about the teenager running around the afternoon after her c/s made me think about myself, I had an emergancy c/section after I went into labour, and DS was breech, he was born at 5am and by 2 pm I was walking up and down the ward, and going up to the SCBU where DS was. DH wasn't there at that point as he had gone to get clothes and some sleep.. lol