OMG - my hospital don't let dads stay o/n!!

[Highlander]

are we back in the 18thC or soemthing? I've just found out that dads are 'not allowed' to stay for the first night on the postnatal ward. I'm horrified, especially after hearing all the stories about midwives not helping when you buzz. Maybe they're all too busy making up bottles. When I had DS, no-one was bottle feeding on our unit. DH is trying to calm me by saying we'll get a solo room and he will stay (he's a docotor himself).

I'm really panicing. I had such a good time with DS.

exactly mb
there needs to be sensitivity and tolerance and balance
not just all the others can just bugger off because I need my rest
or whatever
yet another argument for the benefits of home birth...

If not wanting a strange man seeing me hobbling around cobevered in blood makes me sexist then yeah, i guess i'm sexist! Don't see them as scary predators though, just more embarrassing than woman seeing me in such a state.

reading lots of these post i' actually realising how lucky i am with my Hospital.

no angeliz I don't think that makes you sexist
it is understandable
just the assumption that all men are "strange"
we don't say that about women we don't know, so much

Are people using the word 'strange' as in they don't know them, a stranger?

guilty, lol. I read something about bottles and assumed. If you are bfeeding it is even easier though. I managed the dts fine by myself. Sort of hawled them in and out of their bowls one handed, changed them on the bed, fed them whenever. For me the hardest thing was the relentness of it, and I only called the nurse when I had been feeding them both for hours and needed to sleep. You will be fine, honestly.

that's what I mean mb
a man we don't know is "strange"
as in I woldn't want to bump into a "strange" man
why is that different from a woman?
postnatal wards are jammed with people we don't know

I had an emergency c-section and though I started off on the ward, later on my MIL managed to get me my own room, I think for about £30 a night. DH wasn't allowed to stay after 8 though, and it was extremely noisy anyway. I did appreciate it though, as at least I didn't have to listen to everyone on their mobiles all day -IMO the most annoying thing!

Sorry you're feeling so anxious, I do sympathise. I'm sure it won't seem so bad in reality though, as whatever happens you'll have your beautiful new baby and soon be home.

Oh dear, have just reread my post and realised I sound completely inarticulate. I shouldn't try to type with a hangover.

The shagging story worries me tbh. I can't really believe that any woman would be up for it that soon after giving birth. Separate issue IMO.

I agree with HC and can't believe more women don't! I had been in hospital, ill, in pain and terrified, for six weeks when ds1 was born. I was treated alternately with indifference and downright contempt by virtually all of the midwives. I had been through 24 hours of labour on my back with severe (wheelchair-bound) SPD, which any decent midwife knows is a very bad idea (they didn't let me up even once because they didn't want to bother disconnecting all the monitors), my baby was fighting for his life in SCBU, I had had retained placenta removed under GA, was still injecting insulin for diabetes and needed a blood transfusion after a severe pph. I was using the expressing machine every 3 hours throughout the night on a ward full of mothers feeding and cuddling their new babies. Not only that, but when my dh was there, the midwives told him that he was not allowed to visit his son in SCBU without me (I was too ill and exhausted to go more than a couple of times at first) because seeing a man on his own in there might upset the mothers.

It's a disgraceful, prehistoric attitude and should be illegal under the sex discrimination laws.

I thought the same, then I worked with a midwife! She told me she had 'interupted' many couples!

It wasn't the overnight bit that was hard for me, it was waiting until 2pm when my dh could finally come in. I had had about 2 hours of sleep and just needed a shoulder to cry on and someone to help with the wee one.

Have to agree with harpsichord carrier. Hospitals are full of strange people - including male security guards who keep wandering in to throw out partners who have stayed past visiting hours! They are noisy places at all times in my experience - even outside of visiting hours the other women were on the phone all the time and doctors/nurses wandering in and out until all hours. The hospital I was in was so short-staffed, the midwives were no help at all to me. Surely if partners were allowed to stay they would have taken the pressure off the midwives, who could then have focused on the important things like helping women to breastfeed - I wouldn't have needed to buzz for one every time DD needed her nappy changing (I couldn't get out of bed for the first night following emergency c/s, and first-time mum so not experienced in these things!). My DD would not sleep in her cot for the first few nights, so I ended up holding her most of the time, terrified I was going to drop her if I dozed off!! This is not conducive to recovery from major abdominal surgery. All I really wanted was my DH there to hold her so I could get some proper sleep! I'm not saying provide extra beds in the wards - that's unrealistic - just be more flexible about allowing partners on the wards to support the mothers (especially first-timers!) My DH would have happily rested in the chair next to my bed, then nipped home to catch up on some sleep during visiting hours the next day when he knew I had got some rest.

Again, not everyone's partner is there to help out and be loving and sweet. Some come in to provide their partner w/drugs, believe it or not. Whilst I was waiting for DH to bring the car round to take us home after giving birth to DD2, two new mums stood next to me, smoking cigarettes. They had obvious track marks on their arms. Sorry, but I would have been unable to sleep knowing their partners were 'visiting' overnight.

It poses a real security and infection risk, IMO, and since they have to have one rule applying to everyone, it's no overnight visitors.

Does it suck? Yep.

If you have the money, negotiate an early discharge and hire a maternity nurse. Ask if you can hire an independent midwife or maternity nurse to spend the night w/you.

There were similar partners when I gave birth Expat

I still remember the mum to be (I had pre eclampsia and was in for 2 weeks prior to the birth) who used to say to the ward as she went for the first fag of the day , 'Well I#m off to poison my baby now' She was in because her baby wasn't growing as it should

Her partner was a real charmer. I was very glad he didn't get to stay the night

It's sad, eh, mb. But it's how it is and as it's a hospital and not a hotel, they have to have standards.

It is very, very sad.

But I'd be fibbing if I said that guy could have spent the night and I wouldn't have worried about it.

And I do realise that they can be there in the day etc, but there are more people about in the daythime, and you don't feel as vulnerable

tbh, given that I spent nights 2 and 3 wide awake until 5am marathon-feeding ds, I'm not sure what use dp would have been in that situation. There was enough snoring from the other mums as it was.

Early discharge not an option for everyone. And it's ridiculous to say that partners must be banned because a minority might be bringing in drugs. So might the staff, or the women themselves.

This is part of a wider problem. Maternity services in this country are 20 years behind the rest of the health service, they are a national disgrace. I thought my own life-changingly shocking and violent experience of birth/post-natal care was unique until I found MN. The attitudes that prevail in these places are hostile, uncaring and inurious to women and families. What could be more wicked than barring a new father, whole wife has almost died several times in front of him, from visiting his critically ill baby? I'll give them "underfunding". Sorry, midwives, but that's my view

GS are you still thinking of making a complaint to the hospital, or to their Maternity Services Liaison Committee?

I can't help feeling that a lot of these issues aren't reaching the people who can actually do something about it . It is crazy that some of us (e.g. me ) would rather be apart from our own dhs/dps than try to change things for the better.

Message withdrawn

I suppose that it all comes down to compromise and using a bit of sense. MW should have the leeway to allow dads to stay in the immediate post partum period, but have the right to ask people to leave if they think that they are being very disruptive/abusive/violent?

Unfortunately the midwives in my hospital call Security if you even try to politely discuss the possibility of your partner staying even one minute past visiting hours. Needless to say I won't be going back there for No 2!!

IMO I wouldnt want my dh to stay with me overnight in hospital.
I have 6 children and never known this to happen.
It was bad enough my dh bathing me after the last 2 births as I was embarrassed with all the mess, I just did not want my dh to see anything like that.
Dh was allowed to stay for a couple of hours until transferred to ward and was happy with arrangement as he was glad to be back home in his own bed.

Well my DP buggered off "because he was tired" one hour after the end of my 36 hour labour leaving me to deal with sleepless DD for another 12 hours after the birth. DD screamed if I even tried to go to the toilet (and still does actually, 3 years later). So this is all immaterial. I would be desperately grateful for a DP who cared enough to want to stay.