12 year daughter out of control

[Patsy1981]

Really need advice , my 12 year old daughter in last few months has slowly spiralled and is out of control. I’ve tried everything that I can think of to try and get her to be happy , I’ve now done a self referral for mental health and spoken to school. She has started hitting me in the face , shouting at me constantly, I know she needs help and doing my best to get her all help I can , I paid for meditation class for her but she wouldn’t go , holistic healing she won’t do , even though in primary school she used too, she is obsessed with the way she looks , fake tans , eyelashes ! Her self esteem is very low, I’m starting to struggle to cope, I’ve agreed to a parenting course via school even though I know I’m doing best just incase I’m missing anything. Any tips on how to save your own sanity whilst your child goes through this ? Feeling scared about the kind of Adult she going to become , she has absolutely zero respect for me , I do not know what I’ve done so wrong but she says daily she hates me, and everything is my fault ! She hates the way she looks , she hates her life and me, I feel so alone and desperate that’s why I’ve posted tonight , any words of wisdom welcome ? Please be kind I’m really struggling at moment.
anything I can do to help my little girl ?

I am getting her screened for autism as well as courses for her emotions and behaviours, she actually won’t talk to me at all moment , however tomorrow is a new day and I will get us out and doing something together it may be struggle , but we will

Apart from you and her teachers, does she have any other adults in her life? A trusted aunt or uncle? Is her father around? Perhaps she might take ‘advice’ from them.

You are very strong op

Sending lots of good wishes

It is so hard 💔💔💔

I think you've already posted about new rules around her phone.

But I think k you need to also check her phone.

Her behaviour seems very extreme.

Is she getting bullied??

Cyber bullied??

Struggling at school?

It seems something has happened at school- and that's why " everything is you fault"

It sounds like there is something going on you've not got to the bottom of?

Maybe issues with friends/ boys/ bullying

The makeup/ eye lashes also seems to be part if it.

But the first thing to do is check her phone to make sure there isn't any inappropriate messages or apps on it. And then you've got to enforce the new rules around phone use.

Speak to school about what's going on.

And speak to your daughter and see if you can get to the bottom of it. It sounds like something is going on that you don't know.

What are school doing to help?

Fix this now. While you can.

Remove the phone and all social media accounts. You are her parent, she is a VERY young girl.

You will regret it if you don't act now and she will blame you when she is old enough to understand that you did not parent her properly.

I’ve asked my sisters to speak with her and they no where with her , she is unapproachable and pushes them away, spoken to school , they won’t acknowledge bullying actually after the assault at school on Wednesday I documented it with the police and told the school I had , they never got to me I called Thursday & Friday no one called me back , I have no idea on how it was addressed , what’s been put in place , safeguarding etc ! I want to keep her at home tbh but then I feel I’m not strong enough to have her here in the day as well , I need a break, I agree with everyone there is something def going on with her , I have tried talking to her it’s just the 2 of us here , and I do stay calm , I’ve been googling as much as I can and researching what I can do , but really feel better for connecting with other moms x thank you everyone

Contact these guys, they are amazing and will be able to help you.
capafirstresponse.org

School & the phone are 2 main negatives that are negatively impacting her I’m realising , her dad is not a dad as such he does call her every month or 2 though he dies the best he can for him he has other issues himself

OP, why are you so afraid of taking away her phone?

school are putting her on a mentoring course , they can’t more than 1 referral at a time they said , so I’ve sorted the mental health out myself heard it’s a long waiting list , they can’t make girls be friends with her though , she has learn to do this herself , she is so alone at school breaks my heart

This would prompt me to reconsider her school. If she isn't happy, move her to a different school. At this age you get to control how this goes. It looks like (on the surface) that you are passively kicking the can down the road and making the school responsible for this.

This will be hard. You can't avoid that.

She is in year 7, surrounded by older, bigger kids, has been assaulted at school by two boys, the school have not appeared to have put anything in place to stop it happening again, she has no friends to support her and she eats her lunch in the toilets?
Hitting you is not acceptable but my heart breaks for her.
It sounds terrifying.
I would be focusing on telling her that you are going to support her through this, that you have her back, you are going to pursue this with the school and that what is happening to her at school is wrong and not her fault.
By all means less mobile phone time, but also more relationship building. When she is calm, even if she doesn’t want to speak to you, start by telling her you are going to do everything you can to protect her, if she doesn’t reply tell her it doesn’t matter, she doesn’t need to speak, you are always going to love her and be her mum and then give her space.

Absolutely I’m not I take full responsibility for my daughter , they been great in some ways , but they can’t make her have friends , I have asked her if she would like to move school for a fresh start out if desperation, the school do what they can but with so many students and resources I get it, she has nice teachers , she just feels she doesn’t fit in ! How do you think I’m blaming the school from my comments !!

Really appreciate everyone’s feedback tonight ! Really helping me see a few things

You have misread - you are not blaming the school, you are deferring the responsibility to them. That is very different.

She is unhappy and addicted to her phone.

You won't take away her phone and consider changing schools. The obvious options to fix this issue - for some reason you are prevaricating, which suggests you are resistant to the harder course of action. This parenting malarkey is bloody hard, you can't take a softly approach. It's your job to make the hard choices for your child - she isn't even a teenager yet.

How can you not see this? Sorry for being harsh but I think you are ignoring the obvious in favour of taking an easier option.

Im trying every approach , at home & school & mental health, you wouldn’t believe how hard I’m trying I’m at home with her I’m absolutely doing my best , I didn’t realise until tonight though after connecting with you all how much the phone is an issue , sometimes it takes to speaking to others to realise what the problem is , the phone is going , I will prob get attacked but I’m prepared for that , and will put a plan in place. The melt downs are extreme so I willl prewarn the neighbours firstly, can’t keep any windows open when trying to talk to her she just explodes, I did mis undersand your earlier message x

Please pray for me ! No phone on evenings, it’s got to happen !

It will be hard, just choose your line and stick to it.

If she kicks off say - if you don't speak to me respectfully, you won't get your phone back until you do and stick to it.

The key is sticking to it.

You must also monitor or remove her social media accounts in the evening. I suspect you will soon see the source of her unhappiness (when you see what she is engaging with online).

Good luck and we'll done for taking this step. 👏

Over here in Australia, they are trialling a ban on social media for under 16s as it’s been so bad for them. So she isn’t alone in having mental health struggles.

Do you have a router at home? A good one will have parental control that you can set on your phone. You can turn off internet to her phone between set hours and block certain sites altogether. You just need to be able to identify her devices on the network and label them as hers.

Don’t feel bad about stepping in as a parent and proceed, even if she hits you. Don’t forget to give her consequences for any violence to let her know it’s never acceptable ever. One day, she may thank you as an adult. 12 year olds are still children, even if they don’t look like it.

My daughter is Y9, likely has adhd and possibly asd.

she started to fall apart end of year7/ start of year 8.

she would scream at me and her sister. Thump
her sister on the arm.

I would say 18 months on what I have noticed is that external behaviour is because of internal unhappiness.if she has bottled something up all day at school then when she gets home she will burst. Same as appearance - she uses lash’s now etc and it’s a front for low self confidence.

i did a parenting course and it was useful.

Why are you letting her hit you OP? Physically stop her. Being a parent doesn't mean being a punchbag.

Not sure why you aren’t taking the phone and replacing it with a brick phone.

Instead, you’re going to have a fight with her every single evening when you try to take it.

Just take the thing away permanently.

You probably also need to check it to see what people have been telling her and what content she’s been watching. Brace yourself for a shock.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/sep/29/almost-half-of-children-in-england-have-seen-harmful-content-online-survey

WTF is the AD05 message. AI generated much?

Appreciate everyone’s thoughts on this , Do you think when I remove the phone iPad too I should get her to agree to a time limit or remove completely? Sorry I may sound really stupid , I know I’m the parent I can’t help but feel sorry so sorry for her , which having a miserable day at school and then having no screen time at all at night, do you think I should say at 6 pm she hands it over ? Ideally no phone at all ! However with our situation she has had a phone for 2 years now , Does anyone know the app you can get where you can see their content/ messages etc ? I’m doing this something has to change , woken up today with the worst anxiety , we was going on holiday in Uk for a week but thinking of cancelling it now I don’t think I can cope spending a whole week with her , I’m starting to feel that I don’t want to be around her , and everytime she is abusive , I go to work for a break at the moment. Would anybody else consider cancelling their holiday ? If it awful if I did ,