12 year daughter out of control

[Patsy1981]

Really need advice , my 12 year old daughter in last few months has slowly spiralled and is out of control. I’ve tried everything that I can think of to try and get her to be happy , I’ve now done a self referral for mental health and spoken to school. She has started hitting me in the face , shouting at me constantly, I know she needs help and doing my best to get her all help I can , I paid for meditation class for her but she wouldn’t go , holistic healing she won’t do , even though in primary school she used too, she is obsessed with the way she looks , fake tans , eyelashes ! Her self esteem is very low, I’m starting to struggle to cope, I’ve agreed to a parenting course via school even though I know I’m doing best just incase I’m missing anything. Any tips on how to save your own sanity whilst your child goes through this ? Feeling scared about the kind of Adult she going to become , she has absolutely zero respect for me , I do not know what I’ve done so wrong but she says daily she hates me, and everything is my fault ! She hates the way she looks , she hates her life and me, I feel so alone and desperate that’s why I’ve posted tonight , any words of wisdom welcome ? Please be kind I’m really struggling at moment.
anything I can do to help my little girl ?

Its the mobile phone.
She never should have had one. And she definitely should not have been on social media of any kind.
Its so bad for mental health. The obsession with appearance and low self esteem will be coming from that.
She doesn't need a phone.
She is 12. Take back control now before its to late.
None of mine have ever had social media. And because of that they are no glued to mobile phones /ipads. We have been strict about that from get go.

Get her off ALL social media, perhaps except WhatsApp so she can communicate with real life friends.

sign her up to scouts or similar wholesome real life fun.

Plan evenings together and ways to make up in real life with her primary friends

overalk remember you are the adult she is a kid who needs guidance on how to build a healthy balanced life

With all due respect, perhaps looks into some parenting classes. iPads and phones are no replacement for parental input.
People feel sorry for the kids with no life outside tech, not the other way round

I agree it’s the phone, and know I’ve gone seriously wrong with her ! I’ve made huge mistakes with allowing her screen time. But I can’t Erase the past. Big changes are happening ,

I know this is circumstances/money dependant. But if it were at all possible, I would look at taking her far away from her current life, during the summer holiday etc. doesn't have to be any where posh.. but ideally somewhere distant from cities, shops, modern life etc. then cold turkey, no phones. Walking outdoors during the day, swimming if possible, any creative things, read books in the evening etc. maybe a move every now and again as then max of the technology.

Modern life detox. She will probably hate it at first, but I've heard of it working well for kids who almost need a reset. A pause, to rediscover their normal selves.

After that, highly limmited tech.

Also, do you have a dad or brother? Any male figure? A male best friend? The hitting won't last long if a massive man is involved in taking the phone away. Etc.

Best thing I did was (eventually and too late) take my daughter out of school. I wish I’d done it sooner because then she’d have been in a position to engage in another form of learning. It broke her and I don’t know how I’ll get her back to it, she’s 16 now. I suspect mine has asd and high school was too much for her, though she coped with a lot before she broke. All that aggression etc is a cry for help. Taking the phone away won’t help and if she ends up running away without it you’ll rue the day you took it. Lots of good advice here for your average child but until you’ve dealt with a child like ours you realise normal parenting strategies (which work fine with my other dd) don’t apply. Listen to what she needs to make her feel safe and do it…that’s the key. Once I removed her from school the rage behaviour stopped immediately

Take away her phone or unsupervised access to the Internet.

I think you need to limit all social media/ screen time/ Internet related leisure time.

So that would mean. No more time on any social media accounts. No more youtube.

No more iPad.

Computer/ laptop in the living room- so if she needs to do her homework- and needs Internet access she needs to be in the living room with you.

No more youtube on the TV screen.

Personally I would be switching to a dumbphone/ brick. The phone should not have access to whatsapp- cos right now it's difficult to get a sim without data. And even WhatsApp can do so much damage at this age.

Sounds strict. But a fee steps in the right direction.

Mine oldest daughter is in year 6 and going into year 7.

I've agreed a dumbphone or no phone. She can choose. We don't have any electronic tablets. She has a computer but screen time is strictly limited. I've currently hidden it and they haven't been on it since th3 easter holidays. When she wants to do her school homework she is allowed on my work laptop.

This summer holidays I've promised them depending in their behaviour might give them 1 month of netflix on the tv screen. And will see whether I let them on her laptop. As soon as it is out their behaviour degenerates so much and she and her sister fight so much.

Instead of thinking about it as “allowing her screen time” try to rephrase it as “allowing complete strangers access to her mind”.

Her behaviour may be a way of asking for help. She can’t create her own boundaries, maybe she really wants you to protect her? Maybe she’s angry you haven’t.

She could have seen some horrible things by now OP. And there could be people with bad intentions in her direct messages.

Okay, so my eyes glazed over after the first page of groupthink here, so I might have missed something, but have you been able to ask her what's up? It reads as though you're operating in silos and each attempt at action hits the walls of the other. Have you asked why she hates you? Is it normal adolescent matricidal intent, or is more? If there actually is something you've done, then deciding that it's suddenly autism (no signs before?) or taking away her devices (read: friends) because you think it's for the best are both going to make it worse. You are insisting this is a 'her' problem and that will only make her even more righteously angry.

There are concerns for me about how certain you are of your own good parenting, "I know I'm doing the best." and "I do not know what I’ve done so wrong" show a concerning level of the lack of curiosity and self-reflection. I don't know if you noticed, either, but your post, which claims to be about your daughter, is actually about you; your hopelessness, how you feel that she doesn't appreciate all of your efforts, your sadness and loneliness that she isn't the little girl you want her to be.

I'd be willing to bet this has very little, if not, nothing to do with social media, but hey! That's an 'out there' problem isn't it!

Does your local authority offer NVR courses for parents with violent teens? I'd recommend that while you get yourself some personal therapy from a real psychotherapist.

Yes it’s easy to see that and make that judgement, it has been a sudden let’s diagnose her with autism or the screen time is the issue, over the course of 12 months it’s got us to this point, talking to my daughter and asking her about she is feeling and why is a daily in our house. Encouraging her to talk about her feelings I’ve always. I’m a big believer in a problem shared, since secondary she has stopped doing this. Please don’t misunderstand my post I’m reaching out for as much help as possible I’ve signed up to parenting classes, joined an organisation for parents of teens online, and I’m looking after me in the best possible way so that I can of most possible benefit to my daughter, the better I can become as a person only my daughter will benefit. I think when you start to experience this the first thing you do is look at yourself , where have I gone wrong ? What could i have done better ? What is in my power to help my child ? I don’t see my daughter as naughty at all which is why I never shout or raise my voice, I see it as she needs help and I need help to show me what I can do better. I’m having a weekend of feeling absolutely drained and that’s why I decided to post some of my posts are about me I wanted to connect to other moms to hear other people’s views, and I’ve heard some great and useful information . It’s made me realise the screen time is a huge negative in our house and changes are going to made however will I talk my daughter about this. Yes and when I’m posting ‘ I do everything for her and I know I’m doing my best “ that’s correct I’m doing my best for me with the tools I have and the knowledge I have. I didn’t say I know everything and my way is the right way ! Did I ? I really don’t like your post , it wasn’t helpful , you stated the obvious! If I care enough to post on here , do you think I don’t care enough to have a conversation to her, I love my daughter more than life itself. I’ve been day & night this week reaching out to, educating myself , finding resources, opening up to the school. Every human being on this planet is a work in progress, we’re all at different stages of development and learning and that’s the same for parenting. Every situation is unique, circumstances in families differ, some parents have their own struggles with mental health and illnesses. To say to someone they have no self reflection and lack of curiosity only tells me about yourself and your ego and lack of empathy to someone going through a hard time, please keep your comments to yourself your not a kind person I actually feel so sorry you. I shall
pray for you.

As for the personal therapy I’m all for it , talking and communication is key , I recommend this for you, maybe take your own advice. In fact please do xxxx

I totally agree , unfortunately I think it’s taken for it to get this bad for to see things more clearly. I actually can’t believe I’ve been allowing this. Thank you for your message. I will be standing firm.

Good way to see it. Thank you I think it’s very damaging and certainly doesn’t help in any way, nothing positive will come from it

thank you I will be contacting them, appreciate what you’ve said I’ve got so much from connecting with moms on here , going to give them a google now and contact them tomorrow,

Yes your right x

Hm.
To say to someone they have no self reflection and lack of curiosity only tells me about yourself
I think you made my point for me.
Firstly, I didn't tell you that you have no self reflection and lack curiosity. I pointed at what you said, and noted the lack of curiosity in that. Your description of the problem was not describing it in a way that allowed introspection as part of the solution. You describe the problem entirely in your DD, and seem annoyed at her lack of gratitude for your efforts.
Secondly, your now certainty of my problem, and the immediate knowing about me because I wondered about you is exactly this same thing. The problem is 'over there' (this time, in me) and I am unkind (how dare I question your parenting when you asked for advice... you only wanted advice on how to deal with the problem - your DD) so I definitely need therapy, and you're still fine.

I say this with absolute sympathy. Please consider that your own traumas have an impact on her. Even if you don't want to think about it.

OP I think trying to connect with her through hobbies or other things she likes to do is a less pressurised way to talk and bond.

how do you think I should handle it when she hits me ?

Straight to my GP for further help.

It's actually domestic violence.

Awful for you OP. I am a solo mum - not sure if you are - but I would put in very firm boundaries before it is past a point of no return.