12 year daughter out of control

[Patsy1981]

Really need advice , my 12 year old daughter in last few months has slowly spiralled and is out of control. I’ve tried everything that I can think of to try and get her to be happy , I’ve now done a self referral for mental health and spoken to school. She has started hitting me in the face , shouting at me constantly, I know she needs help and doing my best to get her all help I can , I paid for meditation class for her but she wouldn’t go , holistic healing she won’t do , even though in primary school she used too, she is obsessed with the way she looks , fake tans , eyelashes ! Her self esteem is very low, I’m starting to struggle to cope, I’ve agreed to a parenting course via school even though I know I’m doing best just incase I’m missing anything. Any tips on how to save your own sanity whilst your child goes through this ? Feeling scared about the kind of Adult she going to become , she has absolutely zero respect for me , I do not know what I’ve done so wrong but she says daily she hates me, and everything is my fault ! She hates the way she looks , she hates her life and me, I feel so alone and desperate that’s why I’ve posted tonight , any words of wisdom welcome ? Please be kind I’m really struggling at moment.
anything I can do to help my little girl ?

Modern life. We are up against with the social media / pressures from all angles.
dont be afraid to instigate a complete ban on screen time that is NOT regulated by you. This would mean if she has phone - it goes straight in the kitchen after school.
no YouTube etc. (This is assuming she has been allowed such things ?)
she will soon get used to - any screen time is with you - ie programmes you pick together.
what about after school activities? Cooking together ?

Agree with strict screen regulation. What apps does she have? Youtube? Insta? Tiktok? Get rid immediately. WhatsApp has channels which are basically Insta by your mates so watch out for those.

When is her bedtime, a bit earlier may work wonders.

Breathe and encourage her to breathe, slow in, slow out, it’s the simplest and best form of self regulation.

How are things with friends? It sounds like she feels she doesn’t fit in?

I need to remove the phone from her I know this , she gets really aggressive and hits me , I know I’ve got to stand my ground with this ! You’re absolutely right the phone has got to go at night , how do you think I should handle it when she hits me ? At moment I’m in shock I don’t react I actually do not know what to do, she has not many friends and really struggles at school she feels she doesn’t fit in and is ugly, I try everything to raise her self esteem and constantly tell her I love her and how beautiful she is , but nothing works

Bloody hell, your daughter has her phone.day and night?

Would you let her have crack cocaine, even if all the other kids had it?

She needs limits. Firm boundaries on when she can have it and usage monitored so you can see what she's looking at.

Don't mean to sound harsh.

What a world 😰

Thank you really appreciate your comments everyone is right 100% about the phone

This sounds tricky and although she will always be your “ little girl” are you still treating her like one? She’s hitting the teenage stage and hormones will be playing havoc with her body and behaviour.
What is her behaviour like in school? Could anything have happened to make her focus so much on her appearance? ( other than social media etc)
Hopefully the course will help and talking to other parents.
You need some firm rules and boundaries in place and some non negotiables. Alongside this there needs to be realistic consistent consequences.
I’d sit down and make clear what the consequences will be especially for hitting you. Look at how she can regulate her emotions. Could she have something in her room to punch like a boxing bag or large cushion.
You may need to pick your battles and do some planned ignoring especially if her mental health is poor.
Have you asked what she’d like to do rather than signing her up for things that she doesn’t want to do.
You will have a long wait for support I expect. Can school pastoral team help?

The phone needs to go. Day and night. She won’t thank you for it now.

Warn her : new routine to start Monday. “Why?” Because you are not happy and we need changes. Secondly we need a new routine as hitting me is not acceptable.
“I want you to be happy to have a successful life.” End of.

make your routines. Stand your ground. Remove privileges when behaviour is bad.
equally get out of the house as much as possible together.

Get her off her phone and any screens. Social media for kids at that age is ruining their self esteem.
She will flip out, blame you and tell you she hates you, but you have to go through it to get out the other side.

Consequences for hitting. Violence is zero tolerance.

Also she needs chores - she needs to see she has achieved something every day - made the dinner, cleaned the bathroom etc.
you can turn this around in just a few weeks

The phone needs to go. And if she gets aggressive, do the same as what you would do with anyone who is attacking you. Get yourself to a secure place. Shout for help if needed.
She doesn't hate you. She is brainwashed and will soon come crawling back the life really goes tits up for her (as it will if she doesn't smarten up her attitude) and she realises that the only one who truly and unconditionally has her back is the one she has been subjecting to this awful abuse.

Hitting - I’d go back to toddler mode. “Hitting is not acceptable” and get the phone off her even if you get hit in the process. Don’t add extra consequences right then, it’s just fuelling the fire.

Don’t panic : age 12 is tough and many kids grow up a lot after this .

I can’t believe you let a 12 year old girl take her phone to bed all night!! Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I bet she’s receiving hundreds of notifications all night. Did you see that article where a teacher confiscated a student’s phone over night and was horrified to see they had received thousands of notifications by the next morning. I bet she’s getting hardly any quality sleep which will be destroying her brain development. The phone is a portal to hell and I bet she’s seen things which are traumatising. You have to agree a time it’s handed over and stick to it. If she physically attacks you im sorry but you can’t hand it back.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this it's really hard to watch a child we love in pain whether that is physical or mental. And I totally that it's hard to react sensibly to violence when you yourself are also emotional and probably exhausted with it all.

I can see why people have leapt to the phone, but it is possible for a 12 yo girl to be having a hard time for a lot of reasons. Yes put some limits in place, but I'm not sure that the sudden and 'because I say so' approaches will be the best. I'd think a bigger goal is trying to understand more about what is making her unhappy and give her a sense that you are on her side and she can talk to you about things. That might require a more curious and collaborative approach to phone and social media limits, and trying to focus on positive alternatives to being on her phone. Does she enjoy anything you can do together for example? Watching a show or a film before bed as an alternative to her scrolling on phone?
If you find it's too hard to get her to connect with you, are there other adults in her life who you trust who can get alongside her? Auntys?

To be clear I do think a 12yo needs limits on her phone and social media use but I don't think just taking away/increasing limits on the phone will solve the issue.

Thank you for your comments everyone, I’ve got so much from this, a new routine starting Monday, no phone evenings, getting out of the house together more, she is starting a course on her emotions via school hopefully that won’t be to long, I suppose because is so lonely at school and eats her lunch in toilets on her own , she has no one all day I like her to talk to her friends out of school at home and I’m realising now it’s been a mistake as she is also on TikTok ! I’ve really gone wrong with her , just need to get myself strong so I can stand strong with her ,

I assume you are funding the fake tans and eyelashes?

why on earth? Especially after she hits you in the face! This is life lesson 101 time. Cut off the internet, remove the phone after school, and definitely stop removing / reinforcing abusive behaviour.

she wants internet? Fake tan? Then she needs to earn it.

Teenagers are hard. It does get easier.

Good luck OP. It will be painful short term but worth it. Explain why and that you believe these apps are making her unhappy.

Is she year 7? Maybe ask the school about lack of friendships - they may have some pointers as to why, or some ways to help.

If a parent is concerned enough about their child to seek a mental health referral the last thing they need is someone casually throwing about judgey emojis and worst-case scenarios. The OP is clearly here seeking support - she explicitly says she is struggling. It is possible to offer advice, even hard advice, without scaremongering.

Prewarn her earlier in the day that phone will be removed at a specific time and stick to it consistently. There’s an app called Family Link which you can use to turn off access at specific times, prevent access completely or allocate a usage limit. When you turn off access ensure you’re in a separate safe space to stay safe. Initially she will kick up a fuss but if you’re consistent things will get easier. Hopefully this will help with sleep and social media. Be aware that some websites have awful damaging dynamics - Roblox for example. Check out the sites your DD is utilising.

Warn her that you’ll call the police if she hurts you and follow through so it’s not an empty threat.

Consider whether she has autism or ADHD? Primary school can be manageable for girls who mask well but things often fall apart at secondary school. If you suspect additional needs, get her assessed so that support and strategies are formalised.

Consider if her school is the right setting for her? If this is the source of her unhappiness, then what is the school implementing to help her? Is there a different setting more suited to her needs?

what is your DD like in the holidays when school demands are gone?

How can you help her build friendships? Is she interested in any clubs outside of school? Try to find something she can naturally excel at.

there are reasons why I started letting her phone more and more as she is so lonely at school , she only friends from primary school , she is in year 7 and it’s not going great she was assaulted by 2 boys last week at school ! I understand she takes it’s all out on me , but I def agree it’s destroying her brain development and quality of sleep and things have got to change !

I think I’d want to do a bit of a deep dive into what was happening to her as that sounds extreme. Is there bullying? What is she looking at online? Anything about self harm? Is she being groomed? Why is her self esteem so low? Whilst I totally agree with all pp that phones are just the worst, I’ve come across a lot of girls her age at work and this seems to go a bit beyond a normal reaction. So aside from policing the phone I’d want to think about how else to counter the underlying unhappiness. This could be through hobby or facilitating friendships by hosting friends more - she also needs a boost and some positive input.

Ahh x-post…thats a big thing.

Have you considered an autism assessment?

Sounds similar to quite a few ND students I work with

I work for a children's charity and first of all want to say this is much more common than you'd think, and you are doing a really good job in a really hard situation. There's an online service called Parent Talk which you might find helpful - it's free and has lots of advice pages and the option to have a confidential 1:1 web chat with a trained practitioner. Some of the common reasons for children being violent or abusive towards their parents are mental health issues (it sounds like your daughter might have a lot of anxiety at the moment?) and/or SEND (e.g. neurodiversity). The transition to secondary school is a very common time for this to get worse.

Hang in there and please don't feel afraid to ask for support. x