I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

When faced with imminent situations that I couldn't control, like outings to places with lots of people in, I'd meltdown. I couldn't articulate "too many people", "need to escape", "too much noise".

Meltdown was a sub-conscious tactic on my part not to have to go into the situation. Which tells you that I didn't feel able to say "no, I don't want to" to parents, even when I was genuinely scared.

I read the things you had tried and people you spoken to and didn’t see that you’ve spoken with a paediatrician on there so forgive me if you already tried this route but to get medication (and a diagnosis) for adhd you would definitely need a referral to a paediatrician. The GP would have to do this for you. You could ask school for a supporting letter and take all the evidence to the GP appt to show how difficult and desperate your situation is. The waiting lists are quite long for diagnosis but as it sounds urgent that he needs to be seen they may be able to get an appointment sooner.

also have you tried speaking to CONTACT the charity? They have a wonderful helpline to give advice about all things to do with children with disabilities

https://contact.org.uk/

I have an 8 year old son diagnosed with asd who has been very violent since he was 2 and I’m dreading him hitting puberty. I really do hope you get some help and support soon x

vito it was just an example .

I've seen so many kids get criminalised and there's no coming back from that - some colleges won't t accept kids with a record

@SpidersAreShitheads your Son being a bit 'tricky' and parenting a neurodiverse child are not the same thing at all. How do you have the nerve to imply that the op isn't parenting hard enough? You have no idea at all how much harder it is to parent a child with special needs.

If you had EVER had to deal with anything remotely like what the op and others have described you would know how far off the mark you are. Usually the whole family has to revolve around the SN child. Always doing what they want or don't want to do, constantly waiting for the next explosion, not being able to laugh or have fun or have anything of their own because their sibling will attack them. They have to take on a parenting role from such a young age just to survive. They make their parents so proud but they aren't told as much as they should be because every ounce of energy goes to the special needs child. They will grow up and leave and probably rightly resent us. The SEN child will likely never leave. And so a life of being physically assaulted daily continues. And then you die.

@SpidersAreShitheads oh, and many, many SN children behave 'perfectly' out of the home. It's called masking.

@Bumblebee2022 I wasn't saying it was a parenting issue , I was replying to @Hopelesscynic and @Jellyx

Then you're lucky. Not all ADHD presents the same.

Medication or no medication, violence & aggression is a choice someone makes. Plenty of un-medicated people/children don't do these things precisely because they know it's wrong, they have other outlets.

No, no, no.

Plenty of people don't do it, but for some it's out of their control.

My DC has huge outbursts multiple times daily. It's hard to bear. But afterwards it's heartbreaking as they're apologising and feel so awful for their behaviours which at the time THEY COULD NOT CONTROL. We're trying to coach him towards different less stressful ways to express himself but we've been working on it for years and the gains are very slow.

I mean you can't just 'leave' children at SS - what a ridiculous suggestion. However you can refer yourself to the emergency line. A fellow parent did that and found more support kicked in.

Your answer about him having moving parents and a nice hike further make me think you are not very aware of other conditions that might be at play. Your ds behaviour is not typical of adhd. He may have other comorbid conditions. Oppositional defiant disorder for example

This. I also think being blinkered with ‘it’s ADHD’ is doing your DS a disservice. It seems like there is more at play than ADHD. I would therefore be wary of using any specific ADHD service as you need an expert to be able to diagnose outside that box as well if necessary.

Dont be afraid of medication. Rest of your family notwithstanding, it’s not exactly though your DS is ‘living his best life’ right now is it? Realistically, that’s not going to change without assistance. Even if traditional ADHD meds are not a fit, there are other options to manage behavioural issues. I have one who ADHD meds were a brilliant fit, but at the start of puberty they needed additional support for aggressive behaviour. We added in something most people would baulk at but I absolutely trusted our specialist (global key opinion leader, whom I paid a truck tonne🤣). Perfect. My child went on to do well in school, got a sought after uni degree, great job, very involved in team sports, got friends, participates in hobbies. Has a great life. Still takes both their ADHD meds and the other to this day and will do until the day they die I suspect as it allows them to be the person they want to be. I honestly believe without meds my child would now either be in jail or homeless on the streets as we would have had to put them in care at a point for the sake of their siblings and I’m guessing it would have spiralled from there. The key to meds is someone who knows what they are doing and fits exactly the right meds, at the right dose, to the right person. So many fuckwit prescribers out there (I say this as a HCP myself), who balls it up and that’s why these meds tend to get a bad wrap unfortunately. Btw, my child doesn’t ‘just’ have ADHD but many other things as well, and knowing this has been key to management over the years, but again it relies on an expert up front to unpick all of this.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM your son really needs an urgent assessment and medication assessment. I know you know this. I suspect this is much more than just ADHD. I'd look into autism, ODD, fast cycling bi-polar as well as others. And explore any possible traumas you don't know about.

A few things:

• Take very detailed notes - almost like a medical chart. Make observations. What was happening before his dysregulation, during, after. Who was at home. You may find some commonalities that are hard to spot without those notes. That can help you make the environment modifications needed.
• Remember not to get into the storm with him. Your only job is to stay regulated and keep everyone safe - especially the 4 year old.
• Keep calling CAMHS, engage anyone you can. Repeat.
• You will need a very skilled prescriber and likely more than just ADHD meds. There are meds that target aggression and emotional dysregulation.
• I think you need to engage social services, though I know that is scary and a huge step and can bring up huge feelings of shame. The reality is he is a risk to himself and others. It doesn't matter how large your home is, how educated his parents are, he has some needs that are being communicated through behaviour that aren't safe for the people in the family including him.
• Try not to personalize it - it isn't you, it's how he's feeling inside.
• Get into therapy yourselves with people who have helped families navigate this type of trauma. There is more and more understanding of the profound impact this type of situation has on all family members. Look up some of the recent reports on it. There's lots.
• Develop a safety plan, if possible with the help of SS and CAMHS.
• Make clear you have to keep the 4 yr old safe - this will eventually be considered a safeguarding issue so it's crucial to admit this from the beginning.
• Read some books: The Explosive Child and Parenting A Child Who Has Intense Emotions.

Take care of you all. This is a long road. All of you matter in this. Your son clearly feels horrible inside (I always believe kids do well when they can do well), and I really hope you can all get through this with supports in place, even if your family life needs to be a bit different because of your son's needs. You are still a family.

My last two penneth

What I learnt with my ds was YOU have to be their expert . Relying on others is misguided at best . No one will
Help you . You have to work out what their diagnosis is and then follow it .
You engage the experts in that field . You fight and fight and fight and if you aren't prepared to do that - you'll
Get no where .

No one fro
Cahms or social care or school is
Gonna ride in in the white horse to
Dave them or
You .
That's your job I'm
Afraid .

Sitting passively by while waiting for help is almost laughable because my friend that help isn't going to come unless you scream at the very top of your lungs for it .

Good luck op x

And as I said - most of these conditions overlap . It won't just be adhd . Turn detective op . Work it out . And find the right specialisms and supports for your ds

Simply
Moving out - not an option really .

Sorry to hear about your situation sending you lots of love and strength as I have been though similar. Apologies I’ve not fully read the whole thread but to pick up on a few points:

• We shouldn’t have to fight but a good EHCP is worth fighting for. Since my child has been in specialist school through EHCP -Violent and Challenging Behavior (VCB) has reduced significantly but not been totally eliminated.

• You should request a Child in Need Assessment (CIN). If you have already and it’s been refused contact Cerebra who have a specialist team called LEAP that can help get the SS provision your family is entitled too https://cerebra.org.uk/get-advice-support/legal-entitlements-problem-solving-project/

• Your younger son will be effected as is my younger child. It’s not nice but give them a safe space if possible e.g lock on bedroom door so they can shut themselves in with parent or on their own and teach them to put on music that they like e.g Disney to drown any commotion out. They should be able to get support from sibs- a charity that supports siblings of SEND children. They are really helpful https://www.sibs.org.uk/ If you contact them. Your younger child is also entitled to be registered as a young carer with the Local Authority (LA). Often they don’t register children until 8 but worth checking and making contact. My younger child gets a special young carer co-ordinator that visits her in school and she gets taken on days out in the school holidays to have a break from sibling so definitely worth signing up for once they are old enough.

Hope this helps and just remember that it doesn’t sound like there is much support in place at the moment and things do get better with support in place. If they don’t EHCP/ SS can help with residential placement- and this isn’t a failure, as it suggests needs are too great to cope with for 1/2 people 24/7. Many parents speak about having a better relationship/ regaining a relationship in this situation.

@DemBonesDemBones - you are so very far off track here. I didn't go into detail on my last post because I'd already outlined our circumstances on my previous post.

But for your benefit:

I have 13 yr old twins. Both are autistic/ADHD - plus a whole list of other diagnoses.

I myself am autistic and ADHD.

So I appreciate your passionate defence of the OP but I was being gentle with my language. I have dealt with everything the OP describes and more. I experience neurodivergence as both a parent and as a neurodivergent individual.

To put things in perspective, my son is 13 years old and still in nappies. We have been at A&E and hospital over the years as he has self-harmed and really badly hurt himself. He has bitten my all over my body, some of the bites were so bad they were infected.

Oh, and I should mention that DD is PDA too. Because that's also a bundle of fun.

DD went to mainstream with a bit of support. She wasn't diagnosed until she was 10 and then we found that she had very significant difficulties - such as being approximately 5-6 years behind with her receptive language that NO ONE had picked up (until I sat in the SENCO's office and refused to move until they agreed to refer her).

Over the years, DD learnt that she came second place. Because her twin brother's behaviour was so challenging and so all-encompassing. I feel fucking terrible about it. And of course there are long-term consequences. When she got her diagnosis and I realised that she had been struggling with the same things as her brother had but no one knew, and no one helped her, I cried my soul out.

So please, don't lecture me. My whole fucking life has centred on autism, ADHD, and everything that comes with it - both as a child with it myself, and now as a parent.

You know what I have to do? I work most nights until about 5 or 6am because I have to pay the bills. And then I'm up again with the DC a couple of hours later. I am so fucking chronically sleep deprived I don't even know how I'm still standing. I'm self employed. I'm up and down with the DC until about 3 or 4am because DD doesn't sleep and DS needs 24/7 supervision. I had to leave my comfortable, well-paid job to care for two babies with SEN (because my partner fucked off when I was pregnant). I home educate now because there are no schools that are suitable any more (DS was in special school anyway). And I work full time in my self-employed role but I have no money to pay the bills. I don't know when I last did something for me. I'm constantly late with my work and losing clients because of the needs of my children. So yes, I'm well aware that the SEN family revolves around the child's needs.

When I said I knew it was hard, it was from first-hand experience.

And yet, I still think the OP needs a bit of help "reading" her son. I went on three separate parenting courses - each one about 8 weeks long (half day per week with homework). And fuck me, it opened my eyes. I suddenly understood more about my child, and actually also myself. The neurotypical parents on the course with me learnt even more than I did. I have the benefit of first-hand experience of being neurodivergent.

OP has said that her DS doesn't have sensory needs because he hasn't told her. She called his meltdowns "tantrums". And despite describing horrifically severe behaviour, there is no EHCP in place as it was only applied for recently, and no meds. OP has been fighting with all her might but she's battling against the current.

Her son needs help and support. He's screaming out that he's in crisis. Yes, OP and the younger sibling need protection and support too - but this whole family needs help. And sometimes that means being honest enough with yourself to consider whether you could be managing things better. A low-demand parenting approach is often successful - has the OP tried that? It doesn't sound like it. And that's not a criticism. At all.

As I said in my last post, the ND child themselves often end up hating themselves and thinking that no one wants them. Self harm is common among ND teens.

This isn't just about stopping dangerous behaviour NOW - it's also about putting mechanisms in place that will support them all in the future. And that means being brutally honest with yourself about whether as a parent, you could be doing better too.

Just giving the OP ass pats and telling her how hard it is won't help. She needs practical solutions and suggestions for when she's ready to think about things. But as I also said in my first post, her DS desperately needs meds. When ADHD symptoms are that severe, it's absolutely awful for the person suffering them - her DS is overwhelmed and struggling.

Oh, and just to answer this too - yes, I know, ta very much.

I mask heavily myself and it exhausts and overwhelms me in equal measures.

DS used to mask at school - and then as soon as he saw me, he'd break down screaming and crying while the teacher feigned surprise and told me he'd been "fine".

I used to carry my son into school - and I do mean physically carry him while he kicked, screamed and bit me. And the SENCO would say to me very condescendingly "You really do need to be tougher "mummy" ". Because when I left him screaming, he'd go mute for the day, and be "fine".

Oh except if he hurt himself or had an injury, then he'd just hide and refuse to tell anyone. He walked around with a broken elbow for three days and no one knew until it fucking ballooned.

The guilt I carry is immense - for so many, many reasons.

But masking? Yes. I don't really need a lecture on that either, cheers.

@SpidersAreShitheads Don't blame yourself for DD being diagnosed later than DS. Girls are massively underdiagnosed because the autism diagnostic criteria used by most CAMHS teams were designed by men based on observations of boys. That's Simon Baron-Cohen's fault, not yours.

Could you afford to stop work and claim benefits to care for your children, rather than trying to be awake for 20+ hours per day? Does their father pay child maintenance as he should? Citizens' Advice can help you find out what you would be entitled to, it might be more than you think.

I had a friend who's younger brother was born with the cord around his neck and was starved of oxygen at birth,

I had the cord around my neck and needed some resuscitation. I wonder if there's something in this...

Hi OP

not sure if anyone else has suggested this, but may be worthwhile reaching out to Homestart. They have trained volunteers who will support parents who are struggling - details of how they can help are on the link.

My best friend was a volunteer a few years back supporting some parents who were in DV situations or had social services involved. Even if it’s just them taking you and your youngest out the house for a few hours each week to give you a break, it may help. They are also obligated to report any troubling behaviour to SS/school/police as appropriate, so may also be helpful as an independent set of eyes to validate what’s happening and the scale of the issues.

Hope it helps and really do hope you are able to get a positive outcome, for the sake of all of your family.

https://www.home-start.org.uk/Pages/FAQs/Category/how-home-start-helps

More likely to be a missed co-diagnosis, if anything.

Your sample size of six related people is not a valid dataset to extrapolate the behaviour of an entire population of tens of thousands (at least) of people with ADHD from.

It's interesting that there's other posters suggesting that criminalising the boy might be the only way to get statutory agencies to pay attention. Awful that a child's future must be compromised to protect himself and his family from him.

Seems rather "heads you lose, tails I win"

I do wish people would believe that ADHD can be this severe.
My DS is medicated and is not this severe but he is still extremely challenging. We've had screening tests for various other diagnoses and he meets no other criteria.
I don't find Newbold Hope very helpful and I strongly suspect that some of the children in the group are clinically depressed after spending months not dressing or washing.
If you have a diagnosis I wonder if another private group would prescribe?
It definitely helps DS. We see the difference through the day.
If he's not sleeping then I would get melatonin from the internet. Only a very small dose though. 1mg is good to start with.

a 12 year old would never be diagnosed with bipolar or schizophrenia. these diagnoses are for adults.