I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

I'm really sorry you had to endure this as a child, It must have been very painful and frustrating

I hope your mother later made amends, {At least apologised for hitting you}or did she not realise what she was also doing wrong?

If a child has angry outbursts, there will be an underlying reason for it.

The key is to find the triggers for the behaviours.

Hunger can trigger anger in some children, boys especially- Or certain sweets.
One boy I knew became an absolute tornado after eating Cornettos.

Christ OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I'm not in the UK so can't comment on your local medical resources, but it sure sounds as though you've exhausted everything.

My DS7 has a genetic condition that causes many things, mentally and physically. Oppositional Defiance Disorder is one of them, and much of your OP resonated with me in terms of behaviour. It is hideous to have your child hit you, and to have your DH forced to intervene. AND I only have him, you've got a smaller child to protect as well. I cannot imagine what you're going through.

Feel free to ignore this, but below is some info on ODD my paediatrician gave me. Also a site that offers free parenting courses on various behavioural conditions- you don't actually have to do the course! I couldn't be faffed, but it gives you access to some good videos of doctors discussing the conditions that made me feel relieved.

I wish you all the best.

Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) & kids | Raising Children Network

Online parenting course - help kids overcome anxiety | Fear-Less Triple P | Triple P (triplep-parenting.net.au)

All I can say is I think it's also possible he has other conditions

And that I can hear you are doing EVERYTHING possible

Some posters have been incredibly helpful and I hope very much it results in some help

The only other thing I've seen done (which is the nuclear option) is when I was a foster carer I had another carer in my network physically put a child out the front door and refused to let him back in. It took 16 hours for the police and SS to pick him up. And that was about 10 hours of them trying everything to manipulate her (I was there the whole time) into keeping him and guilt tripping her and threatening her. I think if I hadn't been there sticking up for her and calmly stating over and over again what happened it would have been even worse!

We actually had to raise a complaint with the police as they threatened to arrest HER for hurting him as he 'wouldn't have run off if she was looking after him properly'

It took a further 6 hours of them trying to find him.

So if you did do this, hold firm and refuse to talk and record everything they say to you as it would be likely worse as you're a parent and not a career who works for the local authority.

The psychiatrist said to wait until secondary school, which is actually quite common (certainly the case with my son and nephew)

when did he start secondary?

I started the wheels In motion year 6 so we started summer holidays before year 7 secondary school start and made a real difference

Here! On MN.
maybe I shouldn't listen??

seriously? Op please don’t rely on mumsnet on your child’s mental health and your other child’s safety. You are a nurse for heavens sake

I may be wrong but from some of the things you and have said I think you are in the same LA as me and possibly using the same advocate as me for appeal. Regardless of what people say about not needing an advocate she is brilliant and kept everything on track when I didnt have the head space to keep going, remember deadlines and format reports to send. We won refusal to assess tribunal and are now on refusal to issue tribunal, but our issues are no where near as severe as yours and my heart goes out to you. I have friends that she has worked miracles for after them fighting and failing for years on their own... also CAMHS ADHD privision, once in the service have been really good. I know this doesn't help you now, but it might give you a glimmer of hope..

You actually very wrong I'm saying this. Anyone can be diagnosed with this.

Massive hugs. My son is going through an ASD diagnosis and it’s been a real eye opener how non-existent the support is.

My friend was recently waiting for an appointment to get ADHD medication for her son prescribed - I’m not sure of the specifics but it was a years long waiting list on CAMHS. Our local MP supported her and chased it up, mysteriously they are now getting seen much quicker. I think that would be worth a try. In your shoes I’d throw money at getting the medication privately and kick up a massive fuss through that and PALS to get seen by the NHS as quickly as possible.

I didn’t RTFT so ignore if I’ve missed something obvious, but I wonder if it might be possible to do right to choose to access an appointment for the medication? In the same way that you can use right to choose to access ASD / ADHD diagnosis? We did right to choose recently for my son’s assessment because the wait list was several years on CAMHS, my GP was hugely supportive and the assessment was done by a local company approved by the NHS within four months.

I hope things improve soon, I can’t imagine how tough this is.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM I've supported a family with the same issue.

The solution was a residential school placement in a specialist school for ND children. The child still had meltdowns at weekends and in school holidays for a couple of years but the family got a break when he was away and the school helped to teach him to manage his emotions in a safer way.

You need to fight for an assessment from the safeguarding team for your younger child and an assessment from the children with disabilities team for your older child as part of the EHC Needs Assessment, once it's underway.

Social Care have a duty to protect both of your children and it's not unusual for them to discharge this duty by contributing 50% of the residential school fees, while education pay the remainder. If CAMHS are involved, this can be a tripartite arrangement between Education, Health and Social Care so they each pay one third of the placement costs.

Start looking at residential schools now and ask for a Team Around the Family Meeting to be set up by the school. These meetings should be held regularly while the EHC Needs Assessment is underway so the team can be informed by the reports as they become available.

This family's life is unrecognisable now. I hope you get the help you need too 💐

How dare you take my comment out of context and insult my profession!!!!!

THAT comment was about my applying for an EHCP but feeling bitter that I had read on here that people said it's not worth the paper it's written on.
I also said I was paying someone £80 an hour to help me appeal the EHCP delineation.

So how fucking DARE you tell me that I'm a "nurse for goodness sake".
How dare you!

read the list of stuff I have done for my son! The fights I have been fighting.

@HairyKitty 20 pages. 20. Pages. Of information on this thread regarding the situation (that you obviously haven’t bothered to fully read) and THAT is the last comment you chose to write in your post. Seriously? Do you enjoy making others feel small for absolutely no reason?

OP I have been reading with interest at my son is on the ADHD Pathway. He's fine at home but everything explodes in school.
Firstly I'm so sorry that's your sons school have let him down so badly. They should have got the ECHP under way years ago. And to decline it is criminal. I hope u get it sorted. A good echp can go along way.

Are u on Facebook? Plz plz come and join us on Therapeutic Parenting UK. Absolutely loads and loads in your situation. You'll get excellent support and no crap comments saying take his treats amd games away lol

Consequences and rewards are highly inappropriate with an ND child. He is having a nervous system overload. Ignore some of the comments on here from people who have no clue.

Probably zero Time or head space to read but if you can get any book plz do get:
Ross Grene The Explosive Child. It's bang on and many have said his advice has been a total game changer

What u are referring to regarding moving out is called nesting and is an option lots of couples in this situation use. You would have to spectate from your hubby and start a tenancy in hour own right. Hed have to take over the mortgage in his name only so equity wasnt in your name. However you'd only be entitled to universal credit if you stop work .
Whether you actually Continue to remain in a relationship with him is your business.

@HairyKitty what a spiteful and unnecessary comment.

The trouble is though is if op gets ss involved and says she wants the child taken into care as she cannot keep her younger child safe then ss may well take the younger child into care as they are easier to place. I’ve heard of this happening a few times. They don’t directly say it’s because the non violent child is easier to place but the reason is because you can’t keep the child safe

@SpidersAreShitheads wow. You must be absolutely exhausted. I feeling running away and I've only been dealing with this for a couple of years.

One of the most difficult things is the voice in my head that I'm not doing my DS justice. That I'm not consistent enough, that my frustration is causing him to meltdown

There seems so many parenting courses advertised but how to do which ones are any good? I'm on waiting list for local authority one for months. I'm prepared to pay but seem so many random companies. I find the advice from professionals so far so conflicting. I need to be firmer, I need to be softer, I need to do this and that

Any parenting course you'd recommend?

Please stop saying things like this; it just shows your complete ignorance of how anything works. OP CANNOT do this. It's not how things work. If you don't believe me, train as a social worker and try to put your ludicrous ideas into practice.

@Ingrowncrotchhair that's not true. It may be unusual but it does happen. My eldest was diagnosed with a schizophrenia under 16 whilst in hospital.

OP, my son has ADHD and PDA and ended up permanently excluded from school; we had similar behaviours to the ones you describe. I used to think he'd end up homeless or in prison.

Things that helped;

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/helpful-approaches-children/

Medication for the ADHD

A really thorough EHCP

Placement in a school with a resourced provision

Remembering at all times that his functional age is around 1/3 lower than his chronological age due to his comorbidities (he's 14 now, so his emotional age is around 9)

Reframing the bad behaviour as a manifestation of anxiety; my son now understands this himself, which has helped remove some of the shame he felt

Remembering that PDA children need trusting relationships with specific adults in every setting; this reduces their anxiety and enables them to function better. Those adults need to have 100% understanding of the condition and be able to advocate for the child.

Low demand parenting!! It's become second nature, and it looks lax from the outside, but it works for us. I'm very gradually stepping up the demands, it's a long process.

I wish you all the luck; we are in a much better place now and I wish you the same.

OP just wanted to send you a big hug from the other side of the world. I am aghast at how you have been treated and how you are battling.

I know that isn't helpful to you, but I just wanted to touch on the comment you made about summer.

I too have a ADHD diagnosed ds, and I also feel his symptoms are worse in summer. He's uncomfortable a lot of the time, he can only wear certain fabric clothes and I made the mistake of buying new sheets for his bed, the micro fiber ones, which bobbled. He could not sleep, we live in a hot country and so fabric matters, he cannot bear anything that sticks to him when he's hot etc. He also gets headaches and malaise in the day, but at night is like a different person as it's cooler and the hyper kicks in. Does your ds have a fan in his room now it's warm? We have an ice machine and he can almost empty that in a day as itz cooling in his drinks, which does calm him. Sensory issues are a definite thing, the heat does aggravate it though.

I cannot help you logistically with how to go forward for help, but just know that so many of us believe you and what you are feeling.

But know also, your ds is unwell but not properly diagnosed. He isn't doing these things on purpose just out of spite, or as an act against you. It's the only way he knows how to act out during an episode.

I will keep following your updates and I hope you can get assistance via some of these helpful suggestions pp have posted, for your ds and your whole family.

💐

Sorry that meant to say not properly diagnosed / treated.

@Morph22010 not necessarily. She would be seen to be safeguarding her younger child. I've worked with this a lot where one child is placed and another is kept with parents.
My line of work is substance misuse related but sadly the children who are exploited by drugs gangs do have a lot of additional needs like ADHD etc

Just random thoughts that might help OP; @Dustyblue talks about ODD and I see others have mentioned PDA. Our local CAMHS offers a parenting course about parenting with these issues using a "response" technique to de-escalate physical confrontations, a friend has been on one said it helped.

EHCP - I had help from some charities - SOSSEN and my local IAS (SENDIASS): I've guessed at your area here is one for Brighton/Sussex area - https://amazesussex.org.uk/parent-carers/services-and-support/sendiass-advice-line/

https://sossen.org.uk/

I had a support worker allocated from my SENDIASS, and had legal advice from SOSSEN by booking appointments with their solicitor. However, I also had hours of free advice and wrote a draft EHCP with a local children's charity and that might be worth googling too or your SENDIASS might be able to refer you to one.

My DD has mental health issues, not the same as your son but the common theme is there. She was ill from around 14 and now aged 20 I'm still fighting for every stage of her treatment; I was discussing this with a friend working in the voluntary sector last week and we said that only us "middle class professionals" (for want of a better description) get the help they need for their kids, as we are the only people with the time, resources and money to write the applications, make complaints and argue for treatment. Its wrong on every level.

I had to pay for a private diagnosis from an NHS forensic expert in her condition (I did this so that CAMHS would not be able to gainsay the expert witness but they still tried I can assure you!). One thing I did though which is open to all is I used every charity and voluntary sector resource going - I quickly found out which ones were really good and stuck to them like glue. They were able to get things moving.

Also sorry OP if we are overwhelming you with info but as I think is clear from the thread, those who have seen their kids lives disintegrate for whatever reason are desperate to help other parents.