I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

YoucancallmeKAREN · Yesterday 16:10
You turn up at the Social workers office and refuse to leave with your Son. That will get them off their backsides. Try hard to get through this weekend, then see them on Monday first thing”

This. Strongly suspect many of the “he’s still your child” type posters have not one iota of life with a very challenging child. There comes a time when the safety others have to be put first.

Well I do ,and if you did you would know that you can't just turn up.at social.services offices and demand they magic up.a suitable placement 🙄

Well put, @SpidersAreShitheads .

You definitely have insight into these issues from 'Lived experience'.

There’s a risk of it happening though, and once you’ve gone down that road you can’t just change your mind

Do they even have offices anymore, most of the la staff at our la now work from home, you can turn up at their offices but there’s only reception staff there

*No you wouldn't OP. Please stop listening to this poster who is giving completely incorrect advice for UC.

You and your husband would have to live apart and each run your own household, with your own finances and bills. You can remain married and in a relationship as long as neither of you contributes to the other and can prove you each have your own bills to pay at respective homes.*

Thank you for persisting in giving the OP informed advice about this.

@AnyaMarx - I wasn’t arguing with @Jellyx’s point that the police aren’t the answer - I was arguing against her point that all @ADHDDDDDDDBOOM needs to do is just parent her child effectively - as if his issues are just caused by lax parenting, rather than being actual, diagnosed conditions that severely impact his ability to cope with everyday life.

But I would ask you - if a near-adult sized person is displaying violence and threatening behaviour, including threats to stab someone, what are those people supposed to do, to protect themselves and a four year old child? Can’t they call the police to help in that situation, or should they attempt to restrain the person themselves? Would it be different if the near-adult sized person was a stranger to them? Would the police honestly refuse to intervene to protect the lives and safety of two adults and a child who was being threatened with stabbing by their child/sibling?

Police will never refuse to intervene and I'm sure if the op calls 999 they would get an immediate response if that's happening at the time they call - what I'm saying is while the police can lock him up for up to 24 hours - what then ?

If she says he is not coming back social services will take him , stick him in foster care or a children's home ,

His behaviour will not be addressed or improve . Foster placements have less power than parents to
Get hands on . He'll likely
Bounce round various placements. The system cares less than the parents . He'll just end up in prison . That's why prison is full of men with special needs .

IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THIS - please stop saying these things, you are not helping anyone, just displaying your own ignorance.

It really, really doesn't work like this.
social services won't, can't! just take your child off your hands like this. It takes time to set up a placement for a child with challenging behaviour. Even finding one who will take the child can take a couple of weeks of daily searches then you have to negotiate introductions and plans around moving - residentials don't take children with no planning. All that would happen if you tried this is you would be gently sent home after being supported to explore your support network and get someone to come and help you, and if you kicked off the police would be called and your child would be taken to the nearest relative who would have him, or taken into police protection if there was nobody to take him probably leading to him being sat in a police station all night.

@AnyaMarx in my experience the police advocated for me when I was really struggling and I am forever grateful they did.

My son has threatened to cut my throat whilst holding a knife and because I screamed he dropped it. We called the police as he ran. NO ONE would help me due to his age.. 13. He was medicated and saw camhs regularly. He had a full statement (as it was then) and attended a special Ed school.

They took him to a hospital with mental health provision and he was sectioned where he remained under section for nearly three years (he at one point was in a forensic unit)

He has no criminal record. Went to university and has never been in a police cell.

The powers that he listened to them though. I am forever grateful for what they did.

@YoucancallmeKAREN @MrsSkylerWhite

What absolute and complete tosh.

All your reckless advice would achieve is for the op to be arrested

let me guess… you both have also given a breastfeeding mother of a newborn baby who doesn’t feel her partner is helping sufficiently the advice to “tell him to fuck off, walk out and book yourself in for the spa weekend. Let him see what it’s like to look after a week old baby”

This,it's so infuriating reading these types of threads,and reading the same nonsense being suggested over and over again about turning up at social services and demanding they do something
My child has complex disabilities,it has been agreed that he can have two nights a month respite,this was agreed before xmas, he was pushed to the top.of the list in February because my oldest son collapsed and was critically ill( now thankfully recovering)
We have not even had any introductions yet because ,they are recruiting staff and that takes an age
The idea that you can just turn up.And expect social.services to immediately finds suitable placement,and or respite is laughable 🙄

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM i wanted to be a voice of reason against some people who seem to think putting a child in care or getting diagnosed or getting an ehcp happens in an instant.
i have three children with asd/adhd/pda. what you are saying about your child makes me think all of these are possible?
the person who said why doesnt your child have an ehcp if they are that bad clearly hasnt been through the system.
the person that says if he is out of school you are guaranteed an ehcp clearly hasnt been through the system.
two of my children havent been in school this academic year because they ended up with ebsa and trauma from unmet needs in school. still have had to go to tribunal several times. both have had no education that isnt provided by me since sep.
my third child goes to school for 2-3 hours a week with full time 1-2-1 and 2-2-1 as needed.
so i completely get where you are.
are you in kent/sussex? if so i can give you the name of a brilliant paed. can help diagnose all of those things, can medicate if needed, can write reports for ehcp, dla etc and is just an absolute godsend. she honestly keeps me sane!
not cheap at all but well worth the money. can also recommend ot for ot assessment which i believe may help you massively.
in a perfect world you could try for an ehcp for eotas and get him some ot and help through that but while legally it should be done in 20 weeks i can tell you now that one child we started 15 months ago and are no way near actually getting anything.
the comments people have made about you not needing an advocate for appeals may not realise how hard it is to do them while looking after a child like this. i paid an advocate to do some of it and do as much as i can myself. our advocate had 100% record til we destroyed it!
it is a desperate horrible place to be in to know you are trying your best and it isnt working.
please feel free to pm me if you are interested in our paed. or just an ear to listen to x

Right. I work in the field. Go check the info on the royal college of psychiatrists website, for a start. These are adult diagnoses.

Thanks for the supportive and understanding messages.

Ive been thinking about the PDA thing and I don't think it fits, but I may be wrong.

What triggers my son is really simple (now I've figured it out). It's sudden unexpected change.

-When the VR headset glitches
-when his screen time kicks in
-when he's lost his break times at school for pushing a kid over
-when we have confiscated an item because he nearly killed himself on it
-because a shop he was looking forward to visiting is unexpectedly shut
-when we have something planned out and all of a sudden we have to do a detour/add on a stop

He will go from 0 to 100 and and that's what causes a violent, prolonged meltdown.

If I've understood PDA, that's patently demand (brush your teeth, get your shoes on, go to school) and a child lashing out to avoid it.
He doesn't do that.

I realise meltdowns for sudden unexpected change screams of autism but he doesn't have any other symptoms of that and never has.

@Stomacharmeleon 16 is not 12, but that’s a very unusual age nonetheless. At 16 your child would be more likely to have not had an official diagnosis of schizophrenia but of a ‘psychosis disorder’ and then their development and of their symptoms considered overtime until early adulthood before schizophrenia could, or not, be diagnosed. At 16 they should be jointly under Early Intervention in Psychosis and CAMHS and, hopefully, stall the development of symptoms, and for long enough, attracting a diagnosis of schizophrenia. The same approach should be taken with bipolar disorder.

but to be honest I have also heard such amount of shite from psychiatrists that I have worked with - they see that schizophrenia could be the diagnosis in 10 or however many years time and just slap that label on a young person.

also, the op has not described any psychosis specific symptoms or clear mania so those mentioning bipolar or schizophrenia are not basing themselves on her description of her child’s symptoms/behaviour/etc

@Ingrowncrotchhair as I said I have a child (well he is now an adult) who was an inpatient at a forensic unit and diagnosed as a child with schizophrenia.

It does happen.

What age? Quite a difference between 10 and 17

Sorry I didn't read your longer comment.

He was under 16 not 16. I had a long running thread on here. He was a patient at a forensic psychiatric unit for a long time. Entered the system at 13.

I get what your saying as they told me that it was unusual but I have folders of paperwork (and of course he is still seen regularly) but he had a full diagnosis.

Oh I totally believe you @Stomacharmeleon

But it is an huge massive enormous understatement to say “it was unusual”

@SpidersAreShitheads I COULD list the reasons that I am answering with a lot of real life experience, but this isn't my thread and it's quite breathtakingly rude that you've tried to make it all about you. Don't worry about answering, because it's extremely annoying when threads are derailed by arguments, too.

OP you've had some really brilliant advice from some posters and I hope things will start to feel even a tiny bit better for you soon.

@Stomacharmeleon it may happen - but it doesn’t mean it should happen. Whoever diagnosed your child at 16 shouldn’t have done that. That’s one of the problems with MH diagnosis (with some exceptions) - there are no objective tests, imaging, bloods whatnot, that can be done to say for sure that A or B or C are the case so, someone comes and says something that shouldn’t be diagnosed given the specific context, and it’s done.

sorry, I replied without reading this comment.

I am sorry to hear about your experience, it can’t be easy having a 13yo in a forensic unit. Hope his condition and symptoms have improved.

Autism traditionally had the triad of impairment didn't it so lots of ASD folks were simply "learning disability/challenging behaviour" but now times cracked on and the triad is an outdated method and more and more things we considered "not autistic" we're realising actually are, if you see what I'm saying?
Maybe ASD is worth a look into, sounds like lots of his behaviour comes from typical ASD triggers, even without other traditional traits.
Been thinking of you OP, hope you're alright