I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

Really good that you’ve identified a trigger OP. Unexpected changes are really really hard for ND kids.

Could you tell us more about your DS? What’s he like as a person (when not in a meltdown)? What is he like with others - lots of friends, a few friends? What kind of things does he enjoy? What are his strengths?

Obviously no one can diagnose over the internet but what I would suggest is don’t discount autism yet.

When autism is present at the same time as ADHD, the signs of autism are far less obvious and it can look very different. I’m autistic and have ADHD - the ADHD side of my personality is what people would pick up on. I don’t have the classic presentation of autism on the surface (but it’s there inside!) My autistic traits and my ADHD traits are often in conflict, and ADHD always wins. For example, predictability and knowing exactly what is going to happen and when soothes my anxiety…..yet I am completely unable to stick to a schedule or routine. I am my own worst enemy and frustrate myself every day 😫😫

Of course, all executive functioning disorders have an overlap in presentation and he may not be autistic. I’m just saying don’t rule it out yet. Interestingly, when an AuDHD person takes ADHD meds, very often their autistic traits become more obvious so this might be interesting for you to watch out for.

OP these examples would fit my ADHD ds too.

He really doesn't cope well with unexpected situations, so shop being shut would trigger a response here too. The VR glitch, same as he tends to overfocus on one thing, and then if something breaks that focus, the do, not think action kicks in. In fact there is a lot of doing as a reaction first, as the logical thinking part comes in after.

It's just the extreme your ds goes to, but his doing brain is working first before the thinking brain. In this aspect, once my ds was medicated it made a big difference.

I don't know how much truth there is to do, but it was explained to me as imbalance of right and left brain hemisphere. Left side is the thinking side, right is the doing. Right side can be over stimulated in ADHD people. So first reaction is action.

I see not everyone agrees with this theory, but my ds was diagnosed many years ago. I still think there is something to this theory though, having lived and seeing it for over 20 years.

Unfortunately you won't know for sure until he's been properly tested for all the possibilities if there will be a combination diagnosis.

I also found that even if a child broke focus in class, people were quick to suggest ADHD. Yes they do lose focus, but there is so much more to it that just a concentration issue. I know some people just do not understand the severity at times.

@Ingrowncrotchhair I pmed you.

I realise meltdowns for sudden unexpected change screams of autism but he doesn't have any other symptoms of that and never has.

You might be surprised if you sat down and talked through a developmental history with someone qualified to diagnose ASD. Try to keep an open mind.

You’re so fucking rude.

I haven’t “made it all about me” - I’ve directly answered someone - YOU - who launched a rude and unwarranted attack on me when I’d made suggestions to try and help a fellow SEN parent who’s having a hard time.

What I have said here is a tiny fucking fraction of my story. And I ONLY did so to answer your accusations. If I was “making it all about me” I would have poured all of that - and much more detail - into previous posts. But I didn’t. I was solely answering you because you made incorrect, unprovoked and baseless accusations.

Also I didn’t say you didn’t know what it’s like. I’m not interested in your life experience. You have yours and I have mine. I had to justify my experience because you accused me of not having any. But actually neither of it matters as it’s about OP. YOU were the one who made it about me by attacking my views and suggesting I knew nothing about neurodivergence.

That is why I responded. If you hadn’t launched an attack without knowing the facts I wouldn’t have had to defend myself.

By the way - did you see some very kind PP asking about my situation? If it was “all about me” I would have responded to them gladly, wouldn’t I?! But I haven’t because this is about OP. But you’re so determined to attack me you wouldn’t notice that….

I want to help OP because I know what it’s like. And you said I didn’t. Hence my response.

Don’t bother answering me either.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM I'm not sure why everyone is so desperate to say "ADHD doesn't present like this this". I really hope you can get meds sorted soon as it should help.
They should look at the prison population for the outcomes of unmedicated ADHD.
We also can't get respite (lack of staff, we can pay!)

But when you look more closely at your list… it actually is PDA

he doesn’t want to follow the instructions to end screen time / stay inside at break time / take the detour that his parent says is necessary.

What is he like when you ask him to brush teeth, put shoes on?

what many are saying is that absolutely adhd presents like this

but to the degree that the OP has outlined, it very likely more than simply ADHD

This is a really good point. PDA is really complex.

As an example, my PDA DD finds even basic questions hard - eg/ “do you want sweetcorn or beans with your dinner?”

Because questions “demand” a response.

PDA is all-pervasive and isn’t about not doing things they don’t want to do. It’s about anxiety around expectations and about when the child feels out of control.

Hi OP, i wanted to give you another book recommendation based on your latest post about what causes your DS’s meltdowns. It’s the highly sensitive child by Elaine Aron. It’s not about Autism or ADHD but it gives some great techniques and advice for parenting a child through meltdowns, easing transitions between activities, helping a child cope with strong emotions.

I am not sure this thread turned out how you expected! I hope you’re finding at least some of the replies supportive.

Decision paralysis and not coping well with unexpected changes are also autism traits. Getting the right diagnosis isn't easy because it's not always clear what "right" is.

Also there was another poster who mentioned PANS / PANDAS. Just wondering if your son has displayed these traits since birth or did they manifest at a later point in his childhood?

I certainly wouldn’t rule out autism/PDA as routes to explore from what you have said. Looking at some of the strategies for both may help you both too

Thank you for asking this question. I've been wanting to talk about his nice side especially when people are telling me to send him to boarding school.

DS is the most empathetic person I have ever met. In fact after a meltdown his is so very remorseful, he's upset, says he doesn't know why he doesn't, and he loves me.

He is very loving, we are very close, I'm closer to him than the other two, possibly because we are very much alike.

Hes really funny, he works very hard at physical things, he helped DH with the house renovations in lockdown.
he helped him dig up the garden and start from scratch. We encourage this as much as we can, he thrives when he is "working" so to speak.

He loves deeply, he adores animals and his little brother, he is very generous and will always use money that he has earned to buy sweets for his brother or me something he thinks I would like.

He wants to be an animal rescuer or a car mechanic when he is older (the latter we can get him on "day release" from school when he is 14).

Hes a brilliant, intelligent, amazing, lovely child with a great personality and plenty to love about him.

He sounds lovely. Hopefully the help he needs can be found soon

He sounds so lovely. It must be so frightening and so painful within himself to lose control like that.

As I've said, I'm in the US so can't provide any practical suggestions other than seeing a pediatric psychiatrist, but I know that's not as easily done under the NHS as it is here and that 'going private' can be extremely expensive, just as it would be here without medical insurance.

You're such a fighter for him. I hope and pray you get him the help he needs so that you all can have peace.

DS is the most empathetic person I have ever met

so so so like my boy.

He burst into tears because he accidentally trod on dog’s paw. She barely flinched.

The meds mean I see more of this side to him

When you get the ehcp you may be able to get things like animal therapy included in the provisions if it will help him.

He sounds like a lovely and caring boy, OP.

You mention that he doesn't react well to "screen time" kicking in. Do you mean the "Downtime" feature? Does that happen at a fixed time of day?

Yes, I turn on the screen time function. It happens at the same time every day.

Sometimes he's ok with it, but if he's on edge for another reason, that will set him off.

The manual says that he gets five minutes warning of running out of time. If he had an alarm (there's a Clock app with alarm built-in, right I don't know iOS?) for 15 minutes and 10 minutes warning, might that help? So he's got more warning of needing to finish what he's doing.

x2boys

Well I do ,and if you did you would know that you can't just turn up.at social.services offices and demand they magic up.a suitable placement “

I do too, years ago.