Pda child refusing to tear for scabies

[AnyaMarx]

How on earth does my friend navigate this ?

Her dd has adhd and pda .

Mum is my best friend and has scabies which they've passed to me god bless 'em .

Her dd point blank refuses to have the cream on. Now I've been talking to her dd , sent her the photos of my skin and said I thought it was my dogs had fleas but having seen chemist it seems it's scabies . Have explained what it is , why everyone needs to treat .

Keep getting back I do t care . I've not got it I'm not doing it .

My friend is freaking out. She's an absolute germ phobe so this is killing her . I've treated tonight but tried to tell her dd (who actually calls me "fam" and really does treat me like a second mum) but she is adamant she will not treat .

I've said well that's sad because it means I can't visit - (she is always all over me when I visit , on my
Knee , cuddles ) which I did t want to deter because she's so aloof normally with others - she calls me "fam" and treats me like an aunt I guess . She is incredibly difficult, and I'm one of 2 people who tolerate her behaviour. I know she does love seeing me and I do her but I've said if she won't treat for the scabies I can't come over . Her poor mum is absolutely freaking out as she hates anything like this .

Her father is a waste of space and won't act . Says it in mums head which clearly it's not since I've now got it !

I'm at a loss . I've been talking to her dd all day today by text (at her dds instigation) but she's keeps saying she doesn't have it and go away .

I've tried t explain , I've used humour , I've sent her pictures , I've tried to ask her how she would feel and f it were head lice - she says that's different.

She gets in bed with my friend and I've tried explaining why that's a bad idea if she wont treat - but she won't. And her idiot father is t helping. Think he's as autistic as she is and has head firmly buried in sand . Says there's nothing wrong . I've tried explaining it doesn't matter to f she has symptoms- like bits - she needs to treat so it doesn't get passed back and forth but her father wi t treat either .

Any advice ? It's bloody freaked me out and I lathered the cream on but this means I can't visit them as I'll just get it back !
I was symptomatic. My poor friend is too and is absolutely freaking out.

I can be the same, OP, and not know how to separate emotionally from people I care about and how to support without trying to control the outcome. I’m diagnosed autistic. So I get it. Reading about codependency has helped me a lot

I aren't trying to control the outcome - but my friend is very upset freaked out and feels dirty , she's actually told her dds father to keep her there until she treats . She cannot cope with it .

And obviously I'm not going to go round to reinfect myself so that's our one day a week of adult company, friendship drinks and food gone for the foreseeable .

That doesn't bother me - I'm happy as I am but my fried already feels isolated and this I think has really got to
Her . I'm trying to support - that's all.

I don't have to
Live with the pda or scabies . My friend does and she does appreciate a break now
And then , which I have provided , by baby sitting or taking her daughter out with me .

I e scratched my legs and arms raw and it cost me £20 to treat so I really don't want it back ! But I'm in a position I dont have to risk it - her mother is not in that position.

It didn't freak me out but equally the thought of mites burrowing into my skin is not something I'd willing want to repeat .

Does her mum inform school ?
Friends ?

Her dd says she is not treating and will just have sleepovers with friends at her dads - she is now symptomatic.

I have passed on the suggestion to just tell her where the cream is for her use when and if she wants to use it

So you ARE trying to control the outcome.

Whether she tells school etc is her decision.

If you can’t go round there, that’s not for you to try to change.

Support just means listening and being there. Do you see the difference? You are getting involved in things that aren’t yours to manage

Tell her mum to take her to the GP and explain the problem. The GP can list the options and maybe she'll pick one, maybe not, but it's not your problem to solve. You sound like a lovely friend but be careful you don't burn yourself out helping others, who will your friend turn to then?

How am I trying to control the outcome? Surely if anyone's mate said they had scabies you'd say oh dear - there's a cream for that .

I've tried to encourage her dd to use it but no it's not my problem ultimately.

Does her mum inform school ?

You are far too involved. Surely she already has as her DD should not be attending school until after the first treatment.

I'm also uncomfortable with how you speak about this child, and think you need to back off a bit. The dynamic sounds unhealthy.

I agree.

Ok - but her mum has rung me today in tears - she is first and foremost my friend so it's hard to say I can't help ,

I know as the parent of an adult on the spectrum that without confidants and friends I would have gone mad when my child was growing up if I hadn't had people to vent to , exchange ideas with and who understood what it's like and how difficult it is to negotiate tasks others just take for granted.

What you are doing goes far beyond being a friend and providing a listening ear though, which is what many people have told you in previous threads.

What is it you think I am doing beyond that ?

Should I stop the babysitting if she wants to
Go out ?

Stop speaking g to her dd ?

Just ignore it when I see her hit or kick ?

The childminder gave notice last year and said her behaviour was affecting her other mindees and her own reputation as the child was spreading misinformation around the school which reached other parents.

So there is literally no respite for my friend .

I know having someone who understands is a lifeline so I just don't get how my occasional babysitting, talking to her dd and supporting my friend is such a bad thing ?

I dont cook anymore for us . And I know that's missed but I did step
Back and now only see friend probably once every couple of weeks properly for a catch up drink . She texts me and I see her in the garden over the fence for around 10 mins after work - she always l texts coffee in garden ? When she's home .

If you saw someone really struggling with parenting a challenging child would you just turn away and say your kid - dont come to me ?

Talk about an over reaction. Where on earth did I post you should stop speaking to them/ignore them or “turn away and say your kid - dont come to me”?

I know having someone who understands is a lifeline so I just don't get how my occasional babysitting, talking to her dd and supporting my friend is such a bad thing ?

If you can’t see what you are doing is far beyond this then there are bigger problems. You are way too involved when you post whether the mother should inform school. When you are so involved in the situation you are texting the DD all day. When you get involved in discipline. When you talk about her in the way you do.

Her dd text me a series about f messages on the day her mother told her she needed to treat for scabies .

I am not constantly texting a child ffs .

Her mum ASKED me if she should tell
School .

Personally I would same as with head lice but I've not got involved beyond that .

You sound bitter and pissed off - do you not have friends ? I wouldn't be surprised.

How childish. I have plenty of friends, thanks, and I’m not pissed off. I’m not the only one who thinks you are too involved.

You were the one who posted you had been texting DD all day.

Surely the mother has already told the school since DD will have been absent.

Yeah course mum has told school cos we live in fantasy land where everybody always does the right thing .

Child is going to
School .

School not informed .

But not my problem. As pointed out .

Not very nice having your integrity and character called into question is it .

Mum hasn't told school as she is embarrassed and the child is going to
School because- guess who
Has her when she's sick as I work from home .

Her mother is a single mum who works full time so she has to work so
Child has to go to school unless I have her .

But as pointed out - I'm too involved. This time I said no .

I'm going to tell friend that consensus is I'm too involved and ask her opinion.

I am hurt that my good intentions and help are misconstrued by a bunch of strangers and I want to know how my friend feels and whether she appreciates my help or finds it Interfering or inappropriate.

I've always helped for the right reasons because I see her struggling so hard with her daughter and I see her daughter struggling so hard everyday.

Bizarre. I didn’t call in question your integrity and character. This is one very weird leap you have made.

It is extremely irresponsible of the mother to send the child to school with a highly contagious condition that she should not be in school with until after the first treatment. Glad she’s not in my DC’s school.

I think one thing that won’t be helping is all the fuss. With my son I would just let him know we will do abc, then when he has his cream on we can do xyz, and then I would remove myself from him. No attention and big fuss with multiple adults trying to convince and wheedle.

I do think I’d find it a bit odd if my friend was texting constantly trying to get my child to take a medication. I have enough on my mind sorting my own kids without worrying about my neighbour’s kids.

Yes and that is my point - she wont treat but is still going about normal daily business because she refuses to accept she has scabies .

What is this mother supposed to do exactly?

Come on knock me out with your infinite wisdom.

Why do you think I started this thread ffs .

To reiterate she is a single mother working full time .

So if the child refuses to treat
What is my friend supposed to do .

I'm not exactly thrilled I got it either but on the one hand yku sit there holier than thou saying I'm not actually helping and in the other you criticise because she is still having to go to
School !

She's got her in at gp Friday . That's all she can do . And if she continues to refuse treatment there is little other choice for her mum other than to carry on as normal .

What is this mother supposed to do exactly?

Not send her to school with a highly contagious condition that has an exclusion period for a reason.

So what does she do ?

Go sick indefinitely from work ?
Leave the child alone at home ?
My friend cannot do either of the above .

That's the point of the thread - she won't t treat - so what's the answer?

The mother should do whatever she would do if her child was unwell longer term with any other illness/condition that meant she couldn’t attend school.

I expect the mother not to send her child to school with a highly contagious condition that spreads easily and has an exclusion period for a reason. You don’t know whether anyone she comes into contact with has a weakened immune system.

There’s something amiss if you think it is acceptable for a child to still attend school with a highly contagious condition.

I COULD have her because I work from home .

But I'm an interfering old bint overstepping my boundaries - and the comments do hurt . I've scaled back my involvement to the point I no longer cook for us (I used to cook and share ) as I live alone now and most recipes are for 2 or more - I stopped that based on the criticism I had here

I stopped the weekly get together based on the criticism I had here

My friend has asked me for help and has called in tears today saying she is heading for a breakdown.

So I'm asking for the collective Mumsnet wisdom and so far it's been that I'm overstepping and to back off .

So do I just watch my friend drive herself crazy ?

If the child is point blank refusing treatment the what is her mother meant to do with her .

You E been so very fast to have a pop at me and yet I see no constructive advice .
At least I do try and help . And not just have a pop for the ease of it .