Pda child refusing to tear for scabies

[AnyaMarx]

How on earth does my friend navigate this ?

Her dd has adhd and pda .

Mum is my best friend and has scabies which they've passed to me god bless 'em .

Her dd point blank refuses to have the cream on. Now I've been talking to her dd , sent her the photos of my skin and said I thought it was my dogs had fleas but having seen chemist it seems it's scabies . Have explained what it is , why everyone needs to treat .

Keep getting back I do t care . I've not got it I'm not doing it .

My friend is freaking out. She's an absolute germ phobe so this is killing her . I've treated tonight but tried to tell her dd (who actually calls me "fam" and really does treat me like a second mum) but she is adamant she will not treat .

I've said well that's sad because it means I can't visit - (she is always all over me when I visit , on my
Knee , cuddles ) which I did t want to deter because she's so aloof normally with others - she calls me "fam" and treats me like an aunt I guess . She is incredibly difficult, and I'm one of 2 people who tolerate her behaviour. I know she does love seeing me and I do her but I've said if she won't treat for the scabies I can't come over . Her poor mum is absolutely freaking out as she hates anything like this .

Her father is a waste of space and won't act . Says it in mums head which clearly it's not since I've now got it !

I'm at a loss . I've been talking to her dd all day today by text (at her dds instigation) but she's keeps saying she doesn't have it and go away .

I've tried t explain , I've used humour , I've sent her pictures , I've tried to ask her how she would feel and f it were head lice - she says that's different.

She gets in bed with my friend and I've tried explaining why that's a bad idea if she wont treat - but she won't. And her idiot father is t helping. Think he's as autistic as she is and has head firmly buried in sand . Says there's nothing wrong . I've tried explaining it doesn't matter to f she has symptoms- like bits - she needs to treat so it doesn't get passed back and forth but her father wi t treat either .

Any advice ? It's bloody freaked me out and I lathered the cream on but this means I can't visit them as I'll just get it back !
I was symptomatic. My poor friend is too and is absolutely freaking out.

Have you looked at the pda pandas approach on the pda society website? It’s very helpful re communicating and negotiating.

I must say, I don’t like the way you talk about this child. She’s not ‘very difficult’, or something to be ‘tolerated’, she is highly anxious, and I know you mean well but all the things you’re doing here are likely to increase her anxiety. You’re placing massive demands on her. The avoidance of demands is like a panic attack and is not within the child’s control.

If you back off, she might come round. At least give her time to process. All this ‘freaking out’ will be massively triggering for her.

Could she ask the doctor for oral ivermectin as her daughter will not tolerate the topical treatment? https://www.nice.org.uk/advice/esuom29/chapter/Key-points-from-the-evidence

Funny yu say that because she usually comes back to me days later and engages . I've no idea what I'm dealing with and yes I'm out of my depth .

I do love her to bits - I see her every day and she is clearly fond of me so I'm keen to
Learn what to do

Her mum has just joined a fb group for pda which I've always encouraged her to do and get info .

I'll look at the pandas group - it's not that I don't like her - I really do - but her behaviour is so so challenging and exhausting- she's not really my responsibility but I try and support her mum and her dd does like me - asks why I aren't there if I don't go round , throws herself at me when I do - and I do really really like her - she's funny . Exhausting like - but I do have a very very soft spot for her and she seems to recognise I'm an ally not an enemy.

Lol

She sent me a voice note earlier telling me how to use the cream .....

I'm not wanting to increase her anxiety and it's me that pointed out to mum how bad her anxiety actually is .

I really love my friend and her actually love her dd - I really do and she doesn't leave me alone when I visit , and I'm f I do t go on the usual day and time I'm text asking where I am ! Yes I realise this is because she now
Expects ne there on such a day weekly at such a time - but I do get unsolicited cuddles ! My heart actually aches for her because she copes so well and is such an anxiety ridden little thing - I often try to help her mum out and her . She does ask for me and ask to travel with le to
Events and so forth . My language might be off but I do adore her actually but there a no escaping her behaviour is very very challenging.

I won't be visiting if she wont treat for the scabies . I've told her that . I don't t know what else to suggest to mum .

I do truly admire her and love her to bits . My eldest has Aspergers but that's so different from pda - I don't know what the hell im doing but nor does mum .....

But when I visit she wants to be with me . She doesn't leave my side . And when I get a hug my heart does actually burst - she says some awful things to me at times . And Ignore and reiterate that I like her and love her. And then suddenly I get a hug - out of the blue .

I'm trying really hard to get pda and I'm also trying to get her mum to research and understand.

I take her out quite often to give her mum a break ! But this scabies thing is upsetting her mum so mum so much .

She's only 10 . She doesn't hurt me like she does her mum - she knows my boundaries. I won't tolerate being hit or kicked . So I give her mum a break and I babysit .

Ah I remember your previous posts about this child.

You cannot reason a person out of PDA. Is the child diagnosed? I find it strange to get to diagnosis stage with no awareness of PDA and techniques. Has the mum told you you are doing things wrong?

I have a friend like you, who likes to think she knows my child really well, and can reason with them and sweet talk them. It makes our lives ten times harder.

I'm also uncomfortable with how you speak about this child, and think you need to back off a bit. The dynamic sounds unhealthy.

Ok no problem im happy
To back off . My life
Would
Definitely be easier ! I do t think I make their lives harder , mum is very isolated actually and her own dad won't babysit because the kiddo is so
Challenging. If mum wants to
Go out im the only person willing to babysit ,
And I do actually get on with her dd . I find her very funny , engaging and she's started calling me "fam" .

So I should disengage.
The other neighbours did that after the dd shouted
Something rude at them . It left my friend quite isolated though .

I could do that . It would be sad for my friend . And I know her dd would ask where I was .

She's only just diagnosed. But father won't accept it . So
Works against mum .

So I guess she just
Lives
With scabies .

I do think if I said to friend I'm disengaging she would be terribly terribly upset though .

From what I recall from your previous threads, it's been suggested to you numerous times that it might be best for you to back off and give everyone some breathing space.

This is not healthy for anyone, least of all you.

Ok . I'll explain to my friend and back off .

I do think though she'll feel terribly upset and abandoned.

I'm not pushy or domineering- I respond when my friend needs me .

Her dd ri gs me all hours and Ignore mostly . And respond at a decent hour .

I don't think I've ever been a force for bad in their lives . Im there when they need me . I see friend once a week . Other than that it's in the garden - dd comes out to tell me her day , what she's achieved at her gym class , maybe 5 mins a day . If that . If she needs me she rings or texts as does her mum .

Anyway I don't want scabies back so I'll avoid .

Fucking horrible thing that is . Thiught me dog had fleas or
Something .

Got
Track marks up both legs and wrists , up to
Elbows .
Yuk .

As someone else has already said, she can just take the oral medication. No drama ?

No
Drama ? Oral meds ? You kidding ?

Think about it from the perspective that demands feel life threatening to a pda child. Worse than scabies, worse than your disapproval, worse than feeling horrible itchy skin. The absolute best thing to do is for your friend to put the cream where her dd can get at it, and not mention it again for a bit if at all possible. You can still see them, but don't use your presence or lack of it as leverage and just explain that it means you can't give hugs for now. Treat the child with the same respect and courtesy you would a work colleague. Treat the child like an adult making an informed decision, if you do talk about it, talk collaboratively. Ask if you can do anything to help, and what the child thinks could be a possible solution. Staying calm and understanding no matter what and appreciating that however bad you and her mum feel, this kid feels a lot worse, all the time, she's not doing this to be awkward.

I know absolutely she's not doing it to be awkward.

That much I do get . What I've learnt from interacting with her is she says no

Then she digests .

Then she comes back with questions, usually to me not her mum .

But people are saying I'm too involved and should step back .
It's hard because her mum is my best friend . We're neighbours. We do a lot together

If im to step back it's going to hurt my friend and her dd - because im a constant for her . She comes to me for a lot so if I just become distant I do think yes her mum would understand but her dd wouldn't necessarily, and I think she would feel hurt .

But the consensus is I should step back and not be involved .

Will that help ?

You can be there for your friend, but you should step back from the parenting role. All it will do is undermine your friend's position and increase her reliance on you.

What's the issue with pills? Will she not take them? They may be able to sneak it into her food so don't totally write it off.

I can see why oral meds would be a problem and sneaking them into food isn’t ok.

But I agree with the poster who said just to leave the cream available and let her come to it. And to treat her like an adult making an informed choice. It’s counterintuitive, I know.

I also think you should back off and let your friend do the parenting and manage her own life. I’m saying that nicely as I have got over involved in the past and it’s always ended badly. You do sound lovely and I can see that you care about your friend and her child very much.

Hope you don’t mind me mentioning but I wonder whether you might be autistic yourself, as you say your child has a diagnosis and this extreme empathy / inability to separate is common in autistic women.

I probably am on the spectrum yes .