Nasty messages

[foxlover47]

Hi
Was going to name change but haven't , I was wondering if anyone might have any experience or advice please.
My DD is 11 , she has always been anxious , she is doing a hobby which mostly involves girls all around her age and a couple of years older which she loves and has helped her with her anxiety a lot.
As usual with mostly girls there are fall outs but these have taken quite a sinister turn with one girl messaging mine to "cut her wrists " , go "KYS " which I'm told is kill yourself , telling her she's fat , ugly etc , she's actually tiny , build wise super skinny to the point I've worried about her weight in the past.
As it's a hobby i don't know this girls parents but I've shown the person who runs the group , who has had a word with said girl , but it's still a horrible atmosphere when she goes and I leave her there for 3 hours worrying if she's coping , what the atmosphere is like etc.
I told a parent friend who said I should be reporting to 101 as it's a hate crime but I am not experienced to know if it is.
I've tried to get her to leave said hobby but it breaks her heart , she's willing to go and put up with the bitching etc to keep doing what she loves.
It's hard , I'm not wanting to allow her to continue but can't stand to see her so broken when I say she's got to stop.
Any advice will be really appreciated thank you

That would be seen as bullying the toxic kid. Just go to the police. They will sort it out.

Move her to a new riding school. Currently you are teaching her that a person just has to suck up this kind of stuff in life, as if she has no choice.

Report the riding school to the police. I'm appalled by their responses and they shouldn't be allowed to work with children or vulnerable people again. Their attitude is disgusting and unacceptable.

Notify your daughters school Pastoral lead so that they are aware of what she's been going through outside of school.

Block the number and messaging apps from your DD's phone.

Good luck to you both x

This is exactly what I’d do. In fact a did similar when DS1 was that age, and it worked a treat. The little shit was terrified .

Definitely report this to 101, this child needs to know right now that she cannot say these things without there being consequences and as the riding stable won't do anything hopefully the police will.

There must be something very special about your DD to make this girl feel so threatened by her mere presence that she has to resort to those type of messages. Tell your DD that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Hate comes from a place of something else, of jealousy, of insecurity.

I'm going to sit down this evening and report it
I just collected her and the owner told her .. if I message anymore to moan about the other girl etc then she is finished

She's a lot upset because I'm quite angry by that response I told her that's not acceptable she shouldn't have to shut up and put up as much as she wants to be with the horse
The issue is she gets super attached to animals , she's lost a couple the last two years which has made it harder , we had a loan pony who was hers and had to be pts end of last year so I think that's why she's grown so attached to the share horse at this yard
I am wanting to ring her and ask her what's she's playing at but she will either probably say she didn't mean it that way or if there's a problem then it's best we go
At the same time if I tell her I'm going to the 101 she will prob tell the girls parents , I'd rather her let it be a shock so she realises how serious it is
App the nasty girl was laughing with he owner and the helper so I know now nothing will change

I feel you're right @Acornsoup
I don't know what they think is ok and what levels but I think it's obviously anything goes as long as she isn't made to deal with it

@ZebraKid71 thank you that's really kind
And I am on a waiting list for a stable not to far away so hopefully that will be a option soon

Thank you @TimeforaHol I will also show them the messages to and from me and the stable owner so they can see it all
Just really gutted for her x

@JanuarysChild thank you I have just relayed that to her , it's so true
About indifference

@turnthebiglightoff oh gosh it was so tempting , it was her 11th birthday when she first got one and I was in between raging and sobbing ( not in front of her )
@KittyAlfred I'm glad it worked and it stopped when you did that

It's honestly what I'd do. I don't think it's bullying at all. It's one message would shit the little fuckers up.

I probably have been an annoying parent since I read the first message and asked the yard owner to keep an eye on her while she's there because of the messages she received and at first, she seemed genuinely shocked that she'd been sent them, but it's soon turn to irritation, because like she said ponies are meant to be fun, not drama and the stress makes her ill
The horrible girl is a very good client for her. She's very well like there and has a few private lessons which obviously bring in a good higher pay per hour and yes I know there's always gonna be horrible people wherever you go and in life you need to be resilient but I just feel this is way too much for 11-year-old to cope with

From your update it sounds well beyond some messages- btw, why had they even exchanged numbers in the first place? I’d advise your daughter not to ever give her number out at such a young age. The other girl is now aligned with the owner and the owner has taken her side, as such. This won’t change. The police will also do nothing, unless the 11yo has received texts from an adult.

I’d move to another stable and perhaps leave a post about the stables on a review site? It would certainly help other parents if you included a few lines such as ‘I had concerns for some of the bullying that went on’ or ‘there seemed to be little care for safeguarding of the under 16s’. It might make the owner think twice about her own behaviour in aligning with the bully.

@foxlover47
If someone was sending messages like that to my daughter I'd be taking the phone to the police and making a statement and asking them to go and speak to the family - this is not acceptable at all and maybe a visit from the police might stop her doing this either to your daughter or anyone else it's just awful.

@NowThatsWhatICall22 there was a yard group chat and they originally asked all the girls there if they wanted to join it though it was set up by one of the 13 year olds
But yes I will be saying no more giving out numbers from
Now I'm definitely

@justanotherdrama I think that's going to be the way forward now I need to do something to at least make it formally acknowledged that is happened and who knows prevent it from happening to other kids too

The horrible girl isn't a good customer if she is scaring away all the clientele.

@Acornsoup I don't think she does it to everyone she gets nasty if another child wears the same colour baselayer as her or same coloured saddle pads for the pony she shares but I don't know any other parents there so wouldn't know , all I was told when I first brought up some nastiness a few months back was we've had it before and they will all be friends again soon

Back then it was just bitchiness nothing like the kill yourself message

Me too - leader sounds absolutely shit

I don’t think it’s a hate crime, but I would be saying to the club, (1) you would like the messages passed on to child‘s parent (2) you expect the child to apologise and (3) if it happens again you will want a face to face meeting with the parents. (Otherwise you personally will give the child the telling it she desperately needs)

The quickest and most effective way to deal with bullies is to go for the jugular- early and hard. Nothing like consequences to get children like that (and their awful families) back in line.

I really think, in light of the appalling yard owner’s response, that you should do what @turnthebiglightoff suggested. Bit don’t just threaten that, report it to the police.

And because I’m vengeful and thorough, I’d leave an account/review of what happened and how badly the owner handled it on any platform I could find. Including all the local equestrian Facebook groups, which tend to be plentiful. Though I’d urge you not to name the child, nor to return to the post once made.