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Original poster

Nasty messages

73 replies

foxlover47 · 19/04/2023 23:38

Hi
Was going to name change but haven't , I was wondering if anyone might have any experience or advice please.
My DD is 11 , she has always been anxious , she is doing a hobby which mostly involves girls all around her age and a couple of years older which she loves and has helped her with her anxiety a lot.
As usual with mostly girls there are fall outs but these have taken quite a sinister turn with one girl messaging mine to "cut her wrists " , go "KYS " which I'm told is kill yourself , telling her she's fat , ugly etc , she's actually tiny , build wise super skinny to the point I've worried about her weight in the past.
As it's a hobby i don't know this girls parents but I've shown the person who runs the group , who has had a word with said girl , but it's still a horrible atmosphere when she goes and I leave her there for 3 hours worrying if she's coping , what the atmosphere is like etc.
I told a parent friend who said I should be reporting to 101 as it's a hate crime but I am not experienced to know if it is.
I've tried to get her to leave said hobby but it breaks her heart , she's willing to go and put up with the bitching etc to keep doing what she loves.
It's hard , I'm not wanting to allow her to continue but can't stand to see her so broken when I say she's got to stop.
Any advice will be really appreciated thank you

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 19/04/2023 23:46

I don’t know (obviously) what kind of ‘hobby’ this is but it the behaviour should be reported to the adults that run it

jannier · 20/04/2023 00:00

Any club that has children stay unattended should have a safeguarding officer and procedure bullying and inciting self harm comes under that remit I'd ask about what they are going to do about the situation as obviously what has happened so far has not solved the issue

Original poster
foxlover47 · 20/04/2023 00:11

@elephantoverthehill I did that and I sent copies of the messages received I think because they're sent outside of the times they attend the hobby the owner has said it's not fair on them to be getting told all the time as it's making them Ill and it's meant to be a fun pastime

OP posts:
Original poster
foxlover47 · 20/04/2023 00:12

@jannier I hadn't even considered that hey should have that , I as far as I'm aware am pretty sure there is no such person , when it first happened ( the first nasty fall out ) I was told girls will be girls and I do understand that kids fall out all the time and will
Later make up , it escalated since then with them nasty text messages

OP posts:
Original poster
foxlover47 · 20/04/2023 00:13

Also , thank you both for taking the time to reply I appreciate it

OP posts:
carriedout · 20/04/2023 00:36

How can the girl contact your DD? Block her. Get and keep screenshots of all messages.

Can your DD do the same hobby elsewhere?

Is the other child at a different school?

This is not a hate crime unless it is related to your DD's race, disability etc. However it is harassment. So you could report to the police imo.

Original poster
foxlover47 · 20/04/2023 02:59

I've made sure the girl is blocked now on her phone so there can't be any further messages and the only contact will be once she is actually at the place itself
Thank you I didn't know if it would be any kind of hate crime etc , I have suggested we go somewhere else but she's so attached to why she attends , it really upsets her , she said she would rather cope with the atmosphere then have to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
foxlover47 · 20/04/2023 02:59

@carriedout yes they are at different schools thankfully

OP posts:
Beaniesmumsie · 20/04/2023 03:29

Wow how horrible. I would try to see if the owners can pass the message on to her parents. I hope they’ll be horrified with the nasty messages their DD is sending. Alternatively do you know the school she’s in?

Original poster
foxlover47 · 20/04/2023 10:37

Hi @Beaniesmumsie
It's been really hard reading it myself I'm just thankful she showed me.
I know she's in a different county but that's all I know and the owner of the hobby said it doesn't involve her as it's out of the time spent there and she's tired of hearing about it now so I doubt she will pass on any details at all

OP posts:
Cantthinkofausername2022 · 20/04/2023 11:46

It is such a grey area when it comes to receiving abusive texts. Those texts are truly awful

The person running the hobby is correct when they say it is out of their control as it is not happening while at the hobby

It’s really great that your daughter informed you and is talking to you about it keep those lines of communication open and that you have now blocked this girls number
I would worry however about keeping her from her hobby as it may stop her telling you more in the future for fear that you will pull her from it (hopefully there won’t be more though)

Do you know any police or could you call into a station to ask for advice on what to do?

Would there be anyway of you being able to track down this girls parents and informing them of the texts their daughter is sending
I know if it were my child I would want to know and address it

Hope someone comes along with more advice for you and that you have support too as it’s not easy x

Truestorypeeps · 20/04/2023 11:49

Do you pick her up? I'd be getting her to identify the child and approaching the adult who picks up this little madam and having a word with them. Hopefully they have parents who do care and would be appalled.

MumLass · 20/04/2023 11:50

The person running the hobby, although it is not their responsibility they sound shit! They're tired of hearing about it? It's making them ill? They need to get a grip FGS. A child is being sent messages telling her to kill herself and she's 'tired of hearing about it'?

How are things at the hobby? Does this child bother your daughter there? Does she incite others to do/say anything to your daughter? Does your daughter have friends at this hobby? I really don't think you should stop her doing it if she enjoys it and wants to carry on. It's up to her and to stop her going is unfair.

Do you see this girl being dropped off/picked up from the hobby? I'd be looking for the parents to have a word.

FranksOcean · 20/04/2023 11:52

Truestorypeeps · 20/04/2023 11:49

Do you pick her up? I'd be getting her to identify the child and approaching the adult who picks up this little madam and having a word with them. Hopefully they have parents who do care and would be appalled.

This 100 percent, I would have thought this is the only way to deal with it in my opinion

Polygonpresent · 20/04/2023 11:57

I think it’s great that your daughter wants to keep up her hobby despite that girl being there. That shows real resilience. That sort of resilience is needed in life. Running away from the hobby would be the worst thing to do, and send a terrible message to your daughter, so absolutely do not persuade her to do that.Are you an anxious person yourself OP? Try reading the book, ‘Anxious parents, anxious kids.

NowThatsWhatICall22 · 20/04/2023 12:07

When you say messages and they’re blocked, is that just on WhatsApp and/or regular phone messages? One approach would be to change the sim, get your dd a new number to start afresh. Ideally she shouldn’t then rejoin any comms groups associated with the hobby. If her number is shared (without permission) at all by the hobby owner, they then hold the responsibility for that action and you’d be able to approach them re any further abusive messages. If the messages are served through social media platform direct messages then you can report to them, but it sounds like they’re coming to her phone.

Your daughter sounds so strong- if she can continue to enjoy the hobby and keep communicating with you, she will hopefully advance in the hobby and still enjoy it with others who aren’t a threat to her mental health and wellbeing.

Original poster
foxlover47 · 20/04/2023 13:13

@Cantthinkofausername2022 that's such a nice message thank you :)
That's a thing I've considered , will it show her that you can allow people to sort of push you out so you end up leaving rather than face it and carry on.
She did go to the leader this week and say the girl and her friend were calling her a bitch but because the other two girls with the main one said she didn't the leader refused to do anything about it she just told me she didn't need the aggro and she didn't want any more messages ( from me ) regarding these issues x

OP posts:
Original poster
foxlover47 · 20/04/2023 13:17

@FranksOcean @Truestorypeeps @MumLass I think you're all right I have screenshots on my
Phone of what she's sent , she's also threatened to "get her " as she's from a hard family , my daughter replied that she's not on her own as she walks her dogs so she started texting she's a pussy and her dogs could be got as they're only little , dolly
Little threats but I know at 11 it would of worried me.
The leader is more bothered that I've messaged her to take some control on the situation there , my daughter and her and me had a 3 way call this week and she said she was tired of me messaging , she shouldn't call me
To tell me when the girl and if the girl starts when she's there and although she told my daughter to kill herself the girl has also taken time off as it's stressed her out , mine isn't the only one affected by it !

OP posts:
Original poster
foxlover47 · 20/04/2023 13:20

@Polygonpresent I don't think I am too anxious to be honest as a person but saying that I am anxious about her going through this and maybe have said in the past why don't you quit , but I do believe you're right and telling her it getting her to leave shows her that people can push you out !
I know she feels strong enough to keep going there I think it's me feeling it's not right she is going through it or having to deal with being outside that friend circle on her own that is worrying me

OP posts:
Original poster
foxlover47 · 20/04/2023 13:22

@NowThatsWhatICall22 thank you I think she's definitely strong enough to keep going ( it's horse riding and she loves the horse she rides that's why )
It was text messages well what's app so she's blocked her and the other friends of hers on there so shouldn't be able to receive any more messages now either
X

OP posts:
hazelnutlatte · 20/04/2023 13:23

I think I'd be removing my daughter from this group - not because of the other girl but because the leader clearly doesn't give a shit about keeping the children safe!

yewtrees · 20/04/2023 13:26

I would make her leave the group. There will be another group. She won't realise the slow and steady effect this will have on her. There is no need for her to have to deal with this. She doesn't need to learn how to cope with bullying and abuse. She needs to learn to put up boundaries and say no. If the adults who run the group aren't willing to do anything then the boundary is she won't be part of anything where she is treated like that. This will teach her the importance of having these boundaries. She doesn't need to be pushed to her limits when she is already vulnerable.

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 20/04/2023 13:28

With your updates j honestly think you need to move your DD to a new riding school.

She will make new friends, she will get attached to a new horse. And hopefully the leader will actually have a decent set of balls if anything like this were to happen again.

The current leader sounds absolutely useless.

I hear what you are saying about showing her that bullies can't sim by pushing people out but this sounds like the only sensible solution to me.

lanadelgrey · 20/04/2023 13:28

group leader with any proper training would have set rules and expectations including throwing out members who don’t comply. What would she do if one of the kids was kicking a horse or maltreating it?
obviously money involved and it’s a business but I’d talk to other parent, go to police and let them visit the stables and have a chat but be prepared for owner to dump you and your DD, though likelihood is that someone else in the group will become the next focus of bullying

Cantmovewontmove · 20/04/2023 13:29

I knew when I started reading this that it would be horse riding. Both by your description of your dds love for it and also first hand knowledge of the bitchy behaviour that unfortunately can sometimes occur. Shame on the leader, not really a leader at all judging by her actions, what a role model eh?

I'd approach the parents as well. Advocate for your daughter. You obviously have a lovely bond as she is so open with you. Good luck, it's a horrid situation to be in.