Nasty messages

[foxlover47]

Hi
Was going to name change but haven't , I was wondering if anyone might have any experience or advice please.
My DD is 11 , she has always been anxious , she is doing a hobby which mostly involves girls all around her age and a couple of years older which she loves and has helped her with her anxiety a lot.
As usual with mostly girls there are fall outs but these have taken quite a sinister turn with one girl messaging mine to "cut her wrists " , go "KYS " which I'm told is kill yourself , telling her she's fat , ugly etc , she's actually tiny , build wise super skinny to the point I've worried about her weight in the past.
As it's a hobby i don't know this girls parents but I've shown the person who runs the group , who has had a word with said girl , but it's still a horrible atmosphere when she goes and I leave her there for 3 hours worrying if she's coping , what the atmosphere is like etc.
I told a parent friend who said I should be reporting to 101 as it's a hate crime but I am not experienced to know if it is.
I've tried to get her to leave said hobby but it breaks her heart , she's willing to go and put up with the bitching etc to keep doing what she loves.
It's hard , I'm not wanting to allow her to continue but can't stand to see her so broken when I say she's got to stop.
Any advice will be really appreciated thank you

@OnTheRunWithMannyMontana @yewtrees @hazelnutlatte see this is why I'm
So grateful I can post and ask on here because if I'm
Honest it's absolute been chewing me
Apart for months. This has been slowly going on over the last 6 months ,she's been there for two years but the last ) months this alpha girl and her started to clash , it resulted in friends siding with her , mine being left on the sideline a bit and I put it down to girls so we talked lots and she decided to try and not worry and she said she goes for the horse not to part of a friend group .. very mature etc , but then the messages happened and a huge part of me feels I'm
Failing as a parent by allowing her to keep going knowing that there is that animosity there and the leader just cannot be arsed and has also said to mine well you're no saint either ( and she isn't of course but isn't telling girls to cut their wrists and telling them her dad must of abused her as she's mentally fu**ed ) that was a couple
If what she received
If she goes to the leader and complains she tells her she can't of heard what she said she did as it was too windy to hear , all
Little cop out sort of responses so it's hard to know she's actually
Looked out for anyway whilst she's there despite her telling me she was horrified when I showed her what the girl had been sending.
So in my heart I ideally would like her to say no thanks you lot are awful and leave but she's too attached to the horse and absolutely breaks down and sobs for the evening when I said let's leave
It's a lot on a 11 year olds shoulders to work through I feel

@lanadelgrey I absolutely agree , I think it is all
About the money , this girls pay for private lessons too so she brings in the money I guess and is a yard favourite apparently. I was told by a different work person there that bullying has happened in the past and one of their riding teachers left this year she told
My daughter for her mental health it wasn't worth it anymore

@Cantmovewontmove yeah , she absolutely made it clear she can't deal
With the hassle of it , she doesn't need me
Messaging telling her they've started and I think just wants a quiet life.. I mean don't we all but if there is nastiness surely it needs addressing.
I grew up around riding stables when I was a teen and was quite fortunate not to have that but as a adult
Rider when I owned my horse yards really showed me what they can be full
Of people
Wise.
Allowing her to keep going feels like I'm
Failing her mental health yet the absolute upset when she thinks she had to leave is even worse
It's screwed my brain I can honestly
Say

@foxlover47 I know it's absolutely heartbreaking when they are going through shit like this.

We had it with my DD(14) last year. She was in a huge friend group and all of a sudden "queen bitch" took a dislike to her and ostracised her and all the rest of the girls followed.

We didn't know until her PE teacher called to say they had seen cuts on her legs . She had been self harming after the nasty evil little bitch had been sending her videos and instructions on how to get blades out of razors to cut herself.

DD obviously can't get away from her as it's school but what really helped for her was finding a new hobby (music) and meeting a whole new lovely group of friends through that.

What about suggesting a trial session at another local stables during the week, she might meet some new friends and another lovely horse and then trail off the sessions with the alpha girl?

@OnTheRunWithMannyMontana oh my , I'm
So sorry to know she has gone through this , and you , what a absolute horrible utter evil
Girl
To send her things like that ! That is so so young to be so cruel where in earth are they learning to be like this :(
I hope your daughter is continuing to do well with her music and new friends , does the nasty one keep away at school now from her ? You must of been utterly
Heartbroken :( x

The owner / leader said she feels like she should confiscate their phones !
I've asked if she can be riding in the later group away from the main girl and her following and she said that should be fine so I will know more this evening when I collect
Her
The main problem
Girl who sends the messages , I've never seen her parents collect or drop her I think she gets a lift with her friend and a worker there so I haven't had a chance to confront parents but I think I will
Maybe message 101 just so they have a record as it may not be only
My daughter she messages like this either

Yep it absolutely broke me when she showed me the cuts after I told her I knew. She was really good though and let me check them for healing or signs of infection and she hasn't done it since. We talk a LOT and she is very open with both me and her dad.

They stay away from each other at school now, classes are split into ability and thankfully the little madam isn't as academic as my daughter so they only see each other during form time.

And music is going brilliantly. She plays bass guitar and I got to see her on stage in December with her band. So proud of how amazing she is!

To reiterate though, get her away from the horrible girl!! There will be other groups and other horses.

I'd text the girl myself saying you've seen the messages and there are to be no more. Then block her.

I'm amazed the group leader isn't being more proactive or at least having a word.

No riding stable I've ever been at would allow this - are they safeguarding trained- they should be.

Schools say the same but it isn't true . Screen shot the messages and say to the organisers that it's now going to the police cyber bullying is serious and can have deviating consequences organisations like scouts and guides take it seriously......if they don't have anyone responsible for safeguarding who makes sure that the adults are suitable and oversees DBS etc?

The yard owner sounds vile. So much bitchiness in the world of horses. It’s vile.

I’d tell the yard owner that due to the nature of the messages and the ages of the girls (over ten, age of criminality) that you’re forced to report the messages and circumstances with the police.

You’ll probably find that suddenly lights a fire under her. 🙄 but you should do it anyway, just in case it escalates.

I would absolutely report this to the police as online bullying is very serious

I think by allowing your daughter to carry on, it's teaching her that people can treat her badly with impunity, and that there's no point asking for help because nothing will happen.

Think that might be the best solution if she can train at a different time your daughter will be away from that girl but can still continue her bond with the horse

I@OnTheRunWithMannyMontana it's a blessing that she isn't in the same academic groups , maybe if she put her mind to studying rather than bullying like she did she could of been!
Your daughters sounds really talented with her music too , I wonder if jealousy starts things off like this, I can't understand why girls this age would say such vile things!
I hope she keeps continuing to do well and you sound like you're a lovely mum and dad to her 🤗

@VincentVaguer I know they recently had a inspection but not sure about safeguarding come to think of it or the enhanced dbs checks , there are only a couple of adult helpers the kids ) and teens ) who go there tend to help out with leading etc in the lessons

@jannier I actually printed them out ( the screenshots ) and the whole conversation so I'm not hiding anything , I've saved them to my phone too.
I don't think the thought of me going to the police bothers her to be honesty

@Peapodburgundybouquet it's been a real eye opener because I always thought she was friendly and nice I mean I'm
Not saying she's not but when it comes to this it's seemed like it's all been a big hassle to her and I'm sure it has but I said it's made my
Daughter a lot more low than it has her!
I agree I know horses and bitching go hand in hand I think it's sad :(
And I'm going to talk to her this evening and suggest we report it ( my daughter that is )

@doubleshift I think yes that's the right way to go forward with it definitely

@WhoWants2Know this is what I'm a bit worried about , she's come to me and told me I've gone to the owner and told her and nothing has changed except blocking the girl and her mate ,it's like she's been gutsy enough to say what's happening and the girl can still
Carry on being snidey and bitchy at the yard
So I think reporting it will at least show her that I am taking it seriously

@Cantthinkofausername2022 she's hopefully been put in the second group like I asked today so I will see when I collect her how it's been today
X

Honestly thank you so much to you all for your replies it's really helped me see clearer x

Your DC is not safe in this group and the hobbie 'owner' is not thanking responsibility.

I would mention to them that you have given them time to deal with the issue (which has to be removed of the toxic child from the group) and now you are taking the matter to the police and will be leaving a review on Local Facebook what ever page you picked this up from.

This lack of responsibility (spine) is totally unacceptable. Children as young as this self harm or worse because adults allow children to carry on with toxic behaviour.

The group leader is letting down your DC, you, the toxic child and every other kids in that group. If this is how they want to make their money they really should do better.

I'm so sorry you're both going through this, you sound like a lovely mum and your dd is very brave sticking it out.

Could you join a new riding school in addition for a while to see whether she can bond with another horse without taking her away from her current one for the time being, then she may be more able to part with that riding school a bit further down the line.

Go to the police. It is malicious communication rather than hate crime as far as I know but it needs stopping now.

I'd be replying to the messages myself saying "Hi , this is x's mum, I have screenshots of all of your messages and have sent them to the Police who are looking into this, as malicious messages are a crime. You might want to tell your parents that the police will be in touch".