dh banned from school playground after dd bullied for two years

[flabulousdarling]

Hello everybody, I would be interested in hearing your opinion on this situation. Apologies for the extremely long post.

My 9 year old dd has been bullied for the last two years including kicking, name calling, teasing because of her disability, the excluding of dd and running away from her(she is often on her own in the playground)and having a ball thrown at her head deliberately. Lately there have been two girls who have targeted dd. DD has low self-esteem now and never wants to go to school.

We have complained on and off about this behaviour via letters and meetings but respite only lasts for a short while before it starts again.

After sending a letter to the teacher and receiving no response, and after yet another kicking incident, my dh went in to the school from the playground whilst I waited to pick up our dd's and took them home.

He was outside the classroom when someone called out the first bullies name. He confirmed with the child who they were and said 'Leave dd alone'. He went into the classroom only to find that her teacher (yet again) wasn't there.

As he left, another teacher followed him out of the playground telling him off for what he had done, dh responded saying he didn't care anymore and that the school had done nothing to protect dd. There is no doubt my dh was het up and upset, but he is a shy man and it took a lot for him to go to the school.

He went into the school office to tell the assistant head that he had spoken to the child (there are three asssistant heads as current head hasn't retired yet - we never see him at school though). There followed a discussion led by dh about their lack of action where dd was concerned, whilst dd had bruises on her legs from the kickings they were deemed 'old' and insufficient proof. For all the other incidences there was also no proof so they couldn't do anything they said. These children's parents work at the school and we feel that this may have something to do with the two bullies getting away with their behaviour.

My dh received a letter from the actual head to say that dh was banned from the playground (where parents pick up their dcs) that he had terrifed two children and had used offensive llanguage and threatened teachers. It said that if he was to set foot in the playground again they would call the police. DH is adament he only spoke to one child, the two bullies are best friends though, as are their mums. He is certain he didn't swear, he admits he was upset but didn't shout.

The very next day after the incident the two children bullied dd again at school (if dh had terrified them would they do this?)

I collected dd myself yesterday and there was a police officer in the playground presumably waiting for dh to attempt to pick up dd.

We feel that they are victimising our family as we have found dd another school and they were already aware we are very unhappy about the two years of bullying dd has endured.

We feel they are attempting to smear dh's character. I have requested a meeting with the Head and said that their account is incorrect. However with teachers singing off the same hymn sheet, one of which the Head is having an affair with - (I know this through a teachers friend who used to work there). We feel we don't have a leg to stand on - they are definitely closing ranks. I am stressed but dh is very calm he just says ' I have done nothing wrong'.

The Head who is married, is recommending the assistant head (his lover) for headship next year. It is very hard to take him seriously when he is so obviously immoral and corrupt.

I know that dh shouldn't have spoken to the bully but it was a spur of the moment thing. Our dd has been upset for so long you just feel enough is enough especially when the school has been so unsupportive.

My main concern to be honest is the slur on our family and this account following them on to their next school.

If you have got this far thanks for reading, I really would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Flabulous darling - my heart goes out to you as also have a child with special needs at a mainstream school. It's very easy for people on here to say your husband shouldn't of done what he did, but after two years of torment I can honestly say my husband would probably have done the same. Please continue with your complaints as it could be somebody else's child next time. I would literally write down everything from the beginning, try and put dates in if possible. Also the comments from the bullies mothers as they are dealing in a very unprofessional way. They cannot get away with this! Big hugs to your daughter and good luck in her new school.

It must be such a relief to you all that your DD doesn't have to cope with this anymore.

I hope she has all the fun and security she deserves in her new school

fabulousdarling I have nothing to add other than you have done the best thing removing your DD today - what has happened is unforgivable. If she can't start straightaway in her new school then write to the "old" school and the LEA saying she is being home educated from today's date. Not every area require this, and you should be able to check online on your LEA's website, but you don't want any more hassle from any other department!

Good luck with the Board of Governors.

Thanks everyone for your support and kind words

didn't realise it was VA... missed that bit, sorry!

very glad you have come to decision and hope she will settle in her new school well. hopefully the governing body will ensure that rigorous anti-bullying policy is in place and that the school staff are adhering to it in all instances.

I'm not surprised - I've had head, teachers and chair of governor lie in my situation too. Closing ranks in case you take it further and they're held accountable for not fulfilling their duty. I thought your daughter wasn't going back? Not sure what it's worth but I'd write a stinking email and copy it to head, Ofsted and LEA saying what an appalling school, how your daughter has been failed and that they're a bunch of liars. You won't hear anything back but platitudes - e.g. we're got a very robust bullying policy, we take bullying very seriously, our pastoral care is excellent etc but possibly behind the scenes someone will take note. I always believe to put these things in writing further up - it might not help you but you might just help people along the line that complain after you. Good luck. Take her out of school and turn your back on the place. Sorry but I'm not surprised. Most schools are great until you feel they're not doing enough at which point they get defensive and start turning the tables.

You are so right Tabliope, I have taken dd2 out of school but still have to pick up dd1 so we're not free of them yet. As you say they're covering their backs but maybe one of my letters may put the seed of doubt with someone who is bothered, who knows?

I hope your dd1 is leaving soon too so you won't have to deal with this school. I know what the procedure is for complaining - go to the governors and then a meeting is arranged. The thing is it takes so long that you give up because they mess you around with the formalities and then when you do get a chance to say your piece they don't get the finer points of it - deliberately being obtuse and not responding directly to what you're saying. It is utterly frustrating - and I think they know that; wear you down so you give up. You're moving anyway write that letter to them all and just say you want it noted and you're disgusted at the lack of professionalism. In my case I 'lost' the battle, they closed ranks and basically lied through their teeth. Even the LEA refused to accept anything was wrong despite a statement from a parent governor saying he was having numerous parents and members of staff complain to him about the head, giving examples of her unreasonable behaviour. They closed ranks but I heard on the grapevine she was sent on a special course on how to deal with parents. So, what I'm saying is, you might get to know what goes on and they'll deny everything to the death but it'll mark a few cards and possibly help others complaining in the future. Good luck to you and your dd1 and dd2. Hope the new school is a fantastic fresh start.

flabulousdarling, no expertise or anything to offer but huge sympathies and encouragement. I was bullied mercilessly from the age of 6 for 5 years and tried to kill myself twice, but this being back in the 60s nothing was done. My dd was bullied too, though not as badly, and in the end I did move her. Best thing I ever did (so far, anyway!). So glad your little dd is out of it now.

DD's old school is renowned in the area for not dealing with bullying but was receiving perfectly acceptable Ofsted reports, saying what a happy school it was etc. I know I wasn't the only parent telling Ofsted how bad the management of bullying was, because I was with about 6 other mothers and we all wrote it on the form together, but it is only a year ago that the school has been put into special measures! We'd already moved dd by then.

The head is an old bitch who blanks troublesome parents and their children - her pupils! - and ignores bullying. It doesn't happen because they have a bloody policy and some F*cking rule that says pupils shouldn't do it. I am getting angry again, so I'll sign off now. But what you are doing is great, and well done to you.

Thanks Jux. I'm so sorry to hear of your awful experiences. When you've been bullied yourself (I was) seeing your child go through the same thing brings back horrible memories as well, although at least you can understand fully the pain your child is going through.

I'm glad moving your dd was a positive decision I'm hoping my dd will be happy to go to school once again.

I haven't thought about Ofsted as I looked on their website and it doesn't look like you can take that sort of complaint to them.

Our Head is a pompous bullying a*hole who has let his power go to his head. He today had to postpone our meeting as he decided he needed a senior member of the LEA to be there (does this mean that he's scared or is he just covering his back - I mean if he thought our complaint was so pathetic would he be taking such measures?) Anyway I told the Receptionist that actually we decided that we were wasting our time and wouldn't bother with the meeting anyway as it's pointless trying to fight a school.

I was driving the dd's home and as I passed the school I spotted the School Nurse (DD's confidante at school - she gives dd her medication) hopping it to a car and the kids had a look at was only one of the bullies mothers

I have been confiding in her about what's happened and what the bullies have been doing to my dd, she listened to my conversation with another mother who said that her daughter she had seen dd being elbowed in the ribs - the school nurse must have got to the bullies mother first. No wonder when the school investigated that witnessed incident they grilled the child and she needed to be questioned by the class teacher, Assistant Headteacher and also the Headteacher.

I feel slightly sick.

It's official, there is no staff member at that school that I can trust.

I meant to say:

'hopping into a car and the kids had a look to see who it was - it was only one of the bullies mothers.'

Hi flabulousdarling, my father has emailed and also included his contact details if you want to talk to him. He's a good sounding board/got a fearsome rep (I won't reveal his nickname) but is also pragmatic.

You've also had really good advice on here.

Hope dd has had a better day.

Chuck a firework into the fire by writing to everyone you can think of - whether they say this is following the correct policy or not (head of LEA, governors, Ofsted) and include the unprofessionalism of all members of the staff (including the nurse) then walk away. Tell them you have no faith in the proper procedure for various reasons. That's all you can do. Honestly, you'll go mad with frustration otherwise. They'll waffle on and not admit anything directly till you end up losing your temper and then it'll be aha! see what this family is like. Maintain your cool but just dob them all in it, naming names.

Ratemyteacher.com will give you a small, vicarious feeling of getting your own back .

Sorry I keep posting. It's something so close to my heart after what me and my DS went through. Walk away to better things.

Re Ofsted - we just wanted their crap bullying shit to show or influence the report. You're right, they can't actually do anything and won't get involved, but we felt that if enough of us voiced/wrote our complaints to them, it would be reflected in the report for anyone else to see, otherwise it's "this school has an adequate bullying policy and follows it well" or some such crap.

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened to your family at this school and hope your dd can be happy now.

I was in a similar situation not so long ago and I can't believe this sort of thing happens so often. Something needs to change..

The best thing for you to do now is work on building your dd's self esteem up. Encourage her to try new things, meet new friends and tell her how great she is.... all things I'm sure you're already doing.
Does she know any girls from her new school she could get to know better over the summer hols?

Have only flicked through the first and last couple of posts as DDs are still awake. .

I've seen that you have removed your DD from school but still wonder if my own, reverse experience may offer a little advice.

V. briefly:

When Dds were 6 and 7 they started to be verbally abused and threatened by a parent, both in and out of school, as was I. First incident (7 yo DD cornered and not allowed to move, woman shouting, swearing in her face) was witnessed by HT and Deputy HT, plua parents, others confirmed by parents' written and verbal witness statements. HT promised me all this was recorded and sent to LA with request that they allowed her to bar parent from school, but LA refused. I couldn't understand why. Nothing done, despite loads of evidence, so I withdrew DDs, who were in a terrivle state.

2 years later I discovered that I could obtain DDs records from school AND the LA, including in-house memos, letters/emails from HT to LA etc, so I did. then found that HT had ommitted to send LA witness statements and my own, omitted to give them records of our conversations where I had reported the woman etc (and lied about what I'd said too, making me look like a PFB fuss-maker!).

Then I found out what she SHOULD have done... ie issue formal warning to abusive parent in writing, ask her to meet to discuss and warn her of further action etc. All of this is on Teachernet, HERE

My advice is to get your DDs FULL records, from school AND the LA. Ask under the Data Protection Act 1998 (school and LA) and the The Education (Pupil Information) (England) Regulations 2005 (to the school).

Ensure you make it clear that you want ALL records and communications relating to DD, you and DH, by name, with your address and DDs DOB, stating that you and DH are parents and as such have parental responsibility. Term it so you mention that you want items such as, BUT NOT EXCLUSIVE TO emails, in-house notes and memos, communications between school and LA or other parties. Tell them also that if they withhold anything you wish to know why and what they are withholding. If they do withhold and it's, say, something which has another persons info or name on it and can thus identify them, ask them to delete the personal info and forward the document. (By law they have to get permission to give other people's info and/or reveal names etc, but you can overcome it by deletion).

Then, when you have this, ask the LA and school why the heck the HT didn't follow guidance wrt your DH. You may well find other detail in DDs records which you wish to raise too.

Personally, I'd cc to my MP too, with a covering letter/email. Even email the requests (you can ask for info under the Acts by email, it just has to be in writing), and add a made up lawyer's email address in the cc bar, such as cc [email protected]

They aren't to know Peter Harrison doesn't exist, but it may shake them up!

Also, speak with the education lawyers at the Children's Legal Centre (details online) who will be able to advise further.

HTH and good luck. I'm fuming for you both and for your poor DD.

PS meant to say that in law, school has the right to bar anyone as they can withdraw (can't think of the bloody proper term!) what is effectively tacit consent of entry to the premises for genuine reason, just as you allow the postman onto your private drive.

However, according to guidelines they should have acted as the guideline link I posted above and normally AFAIK need to refer to the LA before barring a parent.

We all do things in the heat of the moment and I think banning your husband from the playground and having police there is way over the top. Since these 2 girls parents work at the school there is not alot you can do about the bullying as the teachers there all support each other though they shouldnt support the bullying. What I would do is go further up than the school and report them. I would also tell the police about what happened. Also look at other schools and get your daughter out of that school. She deserves better than that school.

Great advice on here and a wealth of options for your run in with an obviously uncaring system at your daughters school.

Report the school and make complaints weekly if you have to, be a stick in their sides.

I hope you get it sorted and your Daughter finds happiness in her new school.