dh banned from school playground after dd bullied for two years

[flabulousdarling]

Hello everybody, I would be interested in hearing your opinion on this situation. Apologies for the extremely long post.

My 9 year old dd has been bullied for the last two years including kicking, name calling, teasing because of her disability, the excluding of dd and running away from her(she is often on her own in the playground)and having a ball thrown at her head deliberately. Lately there have been two girls who have targeted dd. DD has low self-esteem now and never wants to go to school.

We have complained on and off about this behaviour via letters and meetings but respite only lasts for a short while before it starts again.

After sending a letter to the teacher and receiving no response, and after yet another kicking incident, my dh went in to the school from the playground whilst I waited to pick up our dd's and took them home.

He was outside the classroom when someone called out the first bullies name. He confirmed with the child who they were and said 'Leave dd alone'. He went into the classroom only to find that her teacher (yet again) wasn't there.

As he left, another teacher followed him out of the playground telling him off for what he had done, dh responded saying he didn't care anymore and that the school had done nothing to protect dd. There is no doubt my dh was het up and upset, but he is a shy man and it took a lot for him to go to the school.

He went into the school office to tell the assistant head that he had spoken to the child (there are three asssistant heads as current head hasn't retired yet - we never see him at school though). There followed a discussion led by dh about their lack of action where dd was concerned, whilst dd had bruises on her legs from the kickings they were deemed 'old' and insufficient proof. For all the other incidences there was also no proof so they couldn't do anything they said. These children's parents work at the school and we feel that this may have something to do with the two bullies getting away with their behaviour.

My dh received a letter from the actual head to say that dh was banned from the playground (where parents pick up their dcs) that he had terrifed two children and had used offensive llanguage and threatened teachers. It said that if he was to set foot in the playground again they would call the police. DH is adament he only spoke to one child, the two bullies are best friends though, as are their mums. He is certain he didn't swear, he admits he was upset but didn't shout.

The very next day after the incident the two children bullied dd again at school (if dh had terrified them would they do this?)

I collected dd myself yesterday and there was a police officer in the playground presumably waiting for dh to attempt to pick up dd.

We feel that they are victimising our family as we have found dd another school and they were already aware we are very unhappy about the two years of bullying dd has endured.

We feel they are attempting to smear dh's character. I have requested a meeting with the Head and said that their account is incorrect. However with teachers singing off the same hymn sheet, one of which the Head is having an affair with - (I know this through a teachers friend who used to work there). We feel we don't have a leg to stand on - they are definitely closing ranks. I am stressed but dh is very calm he just says ' I have done nothing wrong'.

The Head who is married, is recommending the assistant head (his lover) for headship next year. It is very hard to take him seriously when he is so obviously immoral and corrupt.

I know that dh shouldn't have spoken to the bully but it was a spur of the moment thing. Our dd has been upset for so long you just feel enough is enough especially when the school has been so unsupportive.

My main concern to be honest is the slur on our family and this account following them on to their next school.

If you have got this far thanks for reading, I really would appreciate your thoughts on this.

All good advice above, but also if no joy with LEA then you can go to Ofsted, may even be worth a call before hand.... From their complaints procedure :'Pupils well being and devlopment are being neglected' as a suitable reason for a complaint... they generally do not look into individual cases, but you may be able to get support from the other parents whose children are being bullied... If not they can still help by letting you know of other agencies that may be able to help.....

Please do not 'just let it go' as you are moving your child, as it will only happen time and time again.

I'll give it a go and keep you all posted!

activate - the father was there to pick up his dd, in what way is that inappropriate? I speak to various children in the playground every day - friends of ds, children who are about to run over my toes with their scooters etc. etc. etc.

The issue here is that the school seems to have failed in its duties and is deflecting blame by attacking the OP's dh.

oh, and flab, not had time to read whole thread since I've been out, but has anyone mentioned kidscape? Charity that can support parents and children re. bullying and knows what should happen. Might help these other families you mention.

edam - the father walked into the school (not the playground) and spoke directly to a child in a warning manner (I do not say threatening

and you do not see that as inappropriate

I did not say OP was wrong - and I think there should be follow up

but any adult who walks into a school unaccompanied to tell off a child / warn a child / speak to a child who is not theirs should be banned from the school

I have just used your deflecting comment edam in my latest letter to the teacher so thanks for that

Activate - you are entitled to your opinion and I totally respect that. In fact, I did tell my husband off for speaking directly to a child as I am very twitchy about things like that too. However, my only defence would be he only intended on seeing dd's classteacher, when another child called out the bullies name he asked her if she was 'bullies name' the child said yes and it just came out. This is after dd coming home with bruises up her legs caused by said child.

The classroom is also in the playground as it's a hut not that that makes much difference.

Ultimately though you're right it was not correct behaviour.

I'm going to be busy on the phone tomorrow - thanks to you all!

I agree with activate, write to the governors and list all the history, details and exchanges.
I'm surprised you didn't follow up on getting a copy of the anti-bullying policy, attacking within the rules is the most efficient method.
I also agree that however annoyed your DH was, it was inappropriate to have warned off the child on school premises, and he weakened your case by doing so.
A parent approached my son with accusations, on the street when he was on his way home, and I got very specific as to what the consequences would be if it happened again.
Fight within the rules.

Activate - actually no, I don't think there is anything wrong with a parent telling a bully to leave the victim alone.

I think the school has failed to deal with this and the bully has learned that any adult who challenges their behaviour will be reprimanded. Great. Imagine how that child will act in future...

And I think the idea that there is something wrong with adults telling children off when they are misbehaving is a. barking and b. dangerous and c. very bad for children and society as a whole.

Personally I wouldn't have said something either, but your DH was just trying to defend his DD, and who can blame him after all the shit the poor chick has had to put up with? He sounds like he's at his wits end.

School has to be a place where all children feel safe from adult aggression, even the bullies.
That's why it's important that schools have a policy, are made to keep to it and are challenged at the first opportunity if it is seen to be failing.
That's why if you are challenging their account, you need details, diaries and records of what has occurred, so you can be specific about how exactly they are failing your child and what they need to do about it.
Otherwise you get younger children getting their older siblings to pile in, parents squabbling and the victims needs are still not met. The children are 9, presumably this mess began when they were 7. Two years to fix the problem, 22 months and more too long.

'adult aggression'?

Sounds like in this school it's more that the bully is safe from any adult intervention at all.

I can assure you my husband was not agressive. I presume that as you are so knowledgeable about school procedure (not all of us are) that you probably work within a school setting?

To a child, having a larger adult looming over them and saying 'Leave dd alone,' presumably in a fairly forceful manner, can be seen as intimidating.

He stood at a distance and was not aggressive but I agree it may well have been intimidating.

you have my sympathy.. we have experience of a crap primary school and a very unhappy ds (then age 8) we complained to our very unsupportive head teacher, governors, LEA and got nowhere

however, we moved schools (which entailed moving house) and ds never looked back. ds is now at secondary, but dd is still at primary and we have never had a moments regret.. to be honest, we only realised the full extent of how crap the old primary was when we were at the new one and had something for comparison!

my advice is to cut your losses and move on.. don't waste your time worrying about these idiots! i was worried that having previously complained to the LEA our new school would view us as 'troublemakers' but in fact they were very supportive and understanding and have provided both our children with a fabulous and happy education experience

The school sounds like an absolute nightmare to me and your DD is best off out of there, the sooner the better. If you can it would help if you can get your DD some counselling over the summer to help build her self esteem and help her understand she is not at fault before she enters her new school in september.
i hope she will be very happy in her new school.

flabulous - you need to know who the CHAIR of Governors is, or the Governor that deals with SEN. The HT and some of the staff are always on the governing body and this is totally irrelevant. The Chair Of Governors will ensure that anyone directly involved is NOT present when the matters are being discussed by the Governors who are chosen to investigate the matter. (Some of them will not be involved initially as they need to be 'clean' in case there is an official investigation)

Please, please, please go to your CoG, or SEN Gov, and report this through the proper channels.

The whole 'corruption' thing is a red herring - it is the Board of Governors (NOT the staff governors) that are responsible for the HT - from selection onwards! Don't let this put you off. Please!

Contact the CoG.

I do understand that you are moving dd anyway - that's fine. But please make sure that this is dealt with properly for the sake of the children that are left in the school. Don't get bogged down by who else is on the board - the CoG will be completely au fait with procedure and will be professional enough to understand the ramifications.

(just wanted to make sure you understand that the HT reports to the board, ie is there to answer questions about the running of the school - the governors are there to make sure the HT is running the school properly - if you don't report this to the Governors, they can't do their job... not trying to teach you to suck eggs, just pointing out the reason the HT and some staff appear on the Govs list...?)

Nick that can occasionally vary slightly depnding on the set up of VA schools- most adhere but some have been set up very differently (some Church schools for example hand recruitment and executive decision making power to a representative of the religious body)

On the other points OP, my Dh does a similar nervy voice wobble that makes him seem aggressive if you don't know him. In fact, I would feel sufficiently safe to stand in his face and swear randomly knowing he would not retaiate (wouldn't do it but ykwim). i've explained tos chool as they took it wrong way I think (we have 2 disabled kids and one SEN so always in and out!), but I know how it can come across. I;ve found that learning assertiveness skills can help immensely- and just being aware of how his voice sounds even if it dosn't match his emotions, as a way of managing it. HTH

My Mum did far worse when I was being bulled (the child who was 9 walked home on ther own - she waited for her down an alley and collared her!)

Seriously get your dd out of there now, there is not much of the term left anyway then write to the governors and the LEA.

Once upon a time, we could turn to our parents to protect us from being bullied at school. Now, we cannot do that, we have to hope the school knows what to do.

There is nothing wrong in an adult calmly and politely, but firmly telling a child who is bullying their child to stop. In fact, when I grew up, it was expected that an adult would be able to do this. It is not abuse, it is not intimidation, it is simply an adult saying 'no' to a child. The world has gone mad.

OP, I am so sorry to hear that your DD has been so awfully treated, by both those horrible children and their parents, and by the school who have let her, and you down. You sent her to school to learn and grow, not to be crushed. She should be protected there.

If there is any way at all you can remove her now until she starts her new school in September, I really hope you will consider that.

I have removed dd from school as of today. She woke this morning feeling sick and said ' please don't make make me go I can't take anymore mummy'. I think I have made the right decision. I have spoken to Gt Ormond Street who are getting their child psychologist to write a letter. Next, the Chair of Governors.