Is this classed as Bullying?

[MrsPixi]

I have a 13 year old daughter who is now refusing to go into school.

She has been completely ostracised by her friendship group.

They no longer wish to be her friend. What they are also doing now is any girl which my daughter speaks to they are approaching them stating why are you speaking to her so she doesn't have one person who will hang around with her now.

She messaged some girls asking if they would hang around with her and they said No. They have now joined my DD's old friendship group.

We have gone through her phone and she has messages stating she is “jealous” over something, “you’ve gone home and burst into tears babe”, “you’ve no friends to chat to now tbh” and even an earlier message saying “die”.

She is now refusing to go to school as she doesn't have one single friend. School are involved and I'm waiting to see what can be done about it, but we cannot force people to be friends with her.

Ive looked at the school bullying policy which states purposely excluding someone is classed as emotional bullying.

Im so worried I can't eat or sleep.

Any advice?

Sometimes as a parent you have to go against what your child wants, it’s for the greater good.

When my child was bullied at school I went against what they wanted and got the police involved. That was when the issue was resolved. School had their hands tied and backed me up in involving the police.
This is the time to stop faffing about with the school who are absolutely powerless, and the kids know it

I would go to the police. I know she thinks she’ll get bullied for it- but she’s already getting bullied. I’d also take her out of school for now till the school sorts it properly. And see about moving schools. And change her phone. Record every single thing. Screen shot everything. Let her see you are on her side and doing everything you can. I was bullied as a child. My mum found out and didn’t do much. She asked me if I wanted to change school and for her to go to the teachers and 14 year old me said no. I said no because if it happened again at the new school it would be proof the bullies were right about me and I was scared it was true. So I stayed put. It was awful. My mum shouldn’t have let a 14 make that kind of decision. She should have stepped up and fought my corner for me.
Because i’m a petty (vindictive) bitch I would start an instagram and put all the screen shots of their vile messages and tag them all. Let the world see what they’ve done.

Take her out of school. And go to the police. You are the adult you get to make the decisions.

Take your daughter out of school. Go to the police.
You are the adult, you make the decisions.

The same thing happened to me at that age. It has had lifelong negative consequences. I hope you can remove your daughter before she’s similarly traumatised for life.

In my case I refused to attend school because I was being excluded... at first by a small group, but word spread and I became untouchable, nobody wanted to be seen talking to me. My mum said I couldn’t switch to a different school because my school was within walking distance and she couldn’t afford to pay bus fares for me to go to a school further away. The school just shrugged and said we can’t make other pupils be friends with her. The psychologist I was referred to said I obviously had mental problems because I was refusing school, and she wanted to medicate me for anxiety and transfer me to a secure residential unit. Obviously my mum freaked out and told me I had to attend school and pretend everything was fine otherwise they were going to take me away. So that’s what I had to do - for four years nobody spoke to me and I was constantly afraid of being attacked. It’s caused PTSD and lifelong trauma.

I say this only so you know where your daughter could be heading if this isn’t resolved. Switch her to a different school, involve her in some hobbies and cut contact with everyone from the current school. This is a formative time and if she’s trained to believe she’s worthless and everyone hates her that will stay with her for life.

Your daughter doesn't want you to go to the police but has also said she doesn't want to be here anymore. You cannot help her, school tactics clearly not working as more are getting involved and harassment is escalating. What will it take for you to go to the police? They are the only ones who can help now. All the advice has been to get them involved but you keep pulling back. You are the adult, you make the decision, for all your sakes. This has been going on for weeks, put a stop to it now.

@RoisinD

Your daughter doesn't want you to go to the police but has also said she doesn't want to be here anymore. You cannot help her, school tactics clearly not working as more are getting involved and harassment is escalating. What will it take for you to go to the police? They are the only ones who can help now. All the advice has been to get them involved but you keep pulling back. You are the adult, you make the decision, for all your sakes. This has been going on for weeks, put a stop to it now.

I was pulling back for her!!! Because she was begging me me saying no and she wanted to see what school would do for her. Because they are already calling her to high heaven for getting her Mum involved that's why!

@MrsPixi

*UPDATE

If anyone can help me, school have sanctioned these girls but now their boyfriends are getting involved.

I as an adult have received a message on social media tonight so someone has found out my name and searched for me and got my profile and sent me messages calling my daughter lots of horrible names.

POLICE! I'd be worried, these people sound psychotic. Absolutely awful, your poor daughter. It sounds big, but if you can move, I'd think about it.

Well if you remove her from all contact with them then they won’t be able to call her anything, will they? Honestly it sounds like that’s your only option at this point. Move her to a different school and escalate this with the police. Not to be alarmist but this is the sort of situation where teens end up killing themselves.

Please please please go to the police.

get them involved and put in a complaint against the boyfriend for his texts to you and against the kids for their texts to your daughter

then MOVE SCHOOLS.

If there is any way at all, even if it means travelling, move.
Even if your dd doesn't want to, take the role of the adult and move.
Even if you know some of those girls because they live nearby, move

I cannot stress it enough, you need to remove your dd from this situation. The bullying may stop, but the firendships have gone, she is targetted as a victim, it will keep rearing its ugly head.

If necessary move house.

I am not being dramatic, and in most cases I would say work with school and work through something, because that is netter in the long run, but your poor dd has the whole lot against her and the school really is not able to change that, depsite their best intentions.

This is horrendous op, it's gone far beyond standard school bullying that some school policy can help with any more. I completely understand you don't want to go against what your dd is begging you to do, and I can understand the reasons she's begging you not to go to the police. But it's escalated now to a level where you need to involve the police, as others have said some of these kids sound psychotic and I'd be fearing what might happen next. I don't want to sound over the top but if it was my daughter I'd be starting to worry about her safety now physically not just what they're doing to her psychologically and emotionally.

They will never let this drop, and I agree with others about pulling your daughter out of school now it's escalated further. I'd start looking for a new school and one that doesn't have kids there who have links with any of the bullies. This is where social media is a nightmare because you get friends of friends and loose connections that can easily be contacted by the bullies or might have seen the Instagram posts they put up. What exactly did they say about your daughter op? Have you managed to uncover how or why this all started by talking to your dd and looking at her phone? If they were friends before this, were fall outs common and did they ever bully other girls? They obviously have a lot of power and influence socially but that's probably because other kids are scared they'll be the next target. You mention this one girl is the ringleader who won't let it drop - what could her issue with your daughter be about? I'd want to know as much history and details as I could, try and unpick things from when it first started.

Explain to your daughter that things have escalated beyond what the school can sanction, I don't mean scare her about her personal safety but I think she does need to be made aware it's reached that level now. You do need to involve the police, you can help your daughter to see that, and if she's still begging you not to I'd say that being seen as a grass is nothing compared to what could just keep going on and on and get worse. They won't stop, the police are now probably the only to make them stop. It could also stop them doing this to someone else after your daughter. Please go to the police op, pull your daughter out of school for now and while the police deal with this start looking for a new school, she needs to be out of this asap and a new start away from this hell. I really feel for you both it's beyond heartbreaking and it's got out of hand (I'd still go to the school governors and headteacher though and inform them how much worse it's got and that you're involving the police)

I understand she is upset but as you are experiencing you or the school cannot deal with it. It is just escalating. I would be afraid if you just move schools now it will follow her. Please, please go to the police. They have experienced this before and will know what steps to take. Think the parents of the bullies along with the bullies themselves will have a very different reaction to police turning up at their front doors than a telephone call or visit to the school.

It's definitely time to change schools OP.?

The boyfriend of this girl has then hit my daughter in the face today with the metal bit of a clip on tie. She left school and came home.

But that is assault?

@Obira

The same thing happened to me at that age. It has had lifelong negative consequences. I hope you can remove your daughter before she’s similarly traumatised for life.

In my case I refused to attend school because I was being excluded... at first by a small group, but word spread and I became untouchable, nobody wanted to be seen talking to me. My mum said I couldn’t switch to a different school because my school was within walking distance and she couldn’t afford to pay bus fares for me to go to a school further away. The school just shrugged and said we can’t make other pupils be friends with her. The psychologist I was referred to said I obviously had mental problems because I was refusing school, and she wanted to medicate me for anxiety and transfer me to a secure residential unit. Obviously my mum freaked out and told me I had to attend school and pretend everything was fine otherwise they were going to take me away. So that’s what I had to do - for four years nobody spoke to me and I was constantly afraid of being attacked. It’s caused PTSD and lifelong trauma.

I say this only so you know where your daughter could be heading if this isn’t resolved. Switch her to a different school, involve her in some hobbies and cut contact with everyone from the current school. This is a formative time and if she’s trained to believe she’s worthless and everyone hates her that will stay with her for life.

@Obira

I'm so sorry for what you went through

You don't have a choice but to escalate tbh

So she's been assaulted? You need to go to the police or just don't let her attend. Can she switch schools? Can they send work back to her?

Some kids are absolute little c**ts. Be a big realisation when they step into the real world and face real consequences for their actions .

I'm so sad for your daughter and you. It must be very distressing for you. I hope you can talk calmly over the weekend and make her see that police involvement is needed now.

In any case, they've messaged you so you can report it and she won't be the 'grass'.

As well as talking this through and working out options, I hope you get some down time to where you can switch off for a couple of hours and snuggle together. She knows you are on her side and will always defend her, fight her corner. Cuddles and love will hopefully give her strength.

@BornBlonde

The boyfriend of this girl has then hit my daughter in the face today with the metal bit of a clip on tie. She left school and came home.

But that is assault?

yes it is, and you can go to the police. The will not prosecute, but they will have stern words with the boy. Sometimes bullies need to understand how wrong their behaviour is.

UPDATE

Just giving an update to what happened with my DD.

We got the police involved and obviously school are already involved. Over the easter holidays one of the girls got a 15 year old boy to ring my daughter calling her all-sorts of names, I was sat with her. She put the phone down and blocked the number. We informed the police who have been in touch with school.

Her family have been brought into school and she has been sanctioned (again 4th time) she has been told that every time she does something now or gets someone to do something the sanctions will keep escalating.

My daughter is now under CAHMS and the school counsellor and experiencing severe panic attacks, its making me poorly aswell with stress seeing her like this.

There is no other school in our area with a capacity to take her.

Disgusting.
what is going on with the parents? If you’re being pulled in time after time for your child then what do you think is going on?
hold your heads up.

Ask about a managed move, OP.
Either for your daughter, or preferably for the ringleader.
This is where schools swap children to give them a fresh start.
I would also ask about permanent exclusion and what behaviour might cause permanent exclusion of the ringleader as it seems that she just isn't taking any provided opportunities to change her behaviour.

You could consider approaching your MP to intervene if none of those approaches works.

Further info

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/managed-moves/

Are you able to pull her out and home educate for a few months? I think you'll find the LA will then move heaven and earth to offer a school place.

The sanctions are obviously ineffective, this school is not doing enough to keep your daughter safe.

I would be reporting all of these social media posts, the assault, phone calls and threats to the police.

I think at this point I might have completely lost it with the head teacher. I would have made it absolutely plain to him/her that I held them personally responsible for any harm to my child. Blithering about having nice little chats and issuing sanctions is not working, they need to inconvenience the parents of these children by excluding them.

Well done for involving the police, did they do anything effective?

this girl needs excluding permanently / at what point does that happen? Have her parents been in contact because if it was one of mine I’d be dragging them round with an apology! some parents have no shame.

how is your daughter now? Did any of the others apologize or hand round with her?