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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Do you judge mums who bottle feed?

419 replies

babybrian · 08/04/2010 11:40

I tried to breastfeed, for one reason and another I failed. I am about to start going to baby groups and have worked myself into a bit of a neurotic state.

Tell me, honestly , do you judge mums who bottle feed? My dd is only 8 weeks and I worry people will think I don't love her.

OP posts:
tittybangbang · 14/04/2010 18:36

I have formula fed. I am not defensive. I didn't know that ff was linked to higher rates of all sorts of illnesses at the time when I was ff, but even if I had known it wouldn't have stopped me - I ff because it was all I could do at the time, given the social and emotional context I was making that decision in. Why be defensive? We all do our best for our babies, based on what's possible for us at the time.

Why refuse to countenance the idea that some of our choices might disadvantage our children - even when faced with good evidence that this is the case? It doesn't make sense to turn our faces away from this information just because it makes us feel uncomfortable. We owe it to our children to at least consider these issues, rather than screaming and shouting about how much it offends our sensibilities.

isthatporridgeinyourzone · 14/04/2010 18:47

Lovely for you titty. Wonderful that you have it all sussed. I don't want to listen to you banging on about ffing relentlessly. People aren't being unreasonably defensive - it's in response to quite a lot of baiting.

Bathsheba · 14/04/2010 18:54

The problem is that you can't TELL is someone hasn't given it a try...I don't have a badge saying "I have to ff as I needed to keep my marriage together and I felt my baby would have suffered more from a broken relationship than from FF" because if I had continued to struggle with bf-ing DD3 I genuinely think that my Dh would have left - he genuionely believed I was conciously harming our baby.

Now, people in shops, cafes, soft play areas, at church, at baby group, at other people's houses or that visit me won't know that....they'll just see someone who is formula feeding their baby.

So tis fine to say that you don't judge unless they haven't given it a try ever, but how would you know that.....I only ever breastfed in hospital - some of my close friends didn;t get a chance to visit me in hospital, so even they wouldn;t necessarily know what I had gone through.

tittybangbang · 14/04/2010 18:54

"I don't want to listen to you banging on about ffing relentlessly"

Don't let the door bang your arse on the way out then!

isthatporridgeinyourzone · 14/04/2010 18:57

Touched a nerve, did I?

currycrazy · 14/04/2010 18:57

tittybangbang* would you say that your ff child(ren) has/have been any worse off because of it compared to your bf child(ren)?
I know this would only be anecdotal evidence but i am honestly not trying to get at you or say "see! i told you" or anything....i am just wondering what has made you to be so pro BF.
I have and am currently FF but if i ever have any other children i know i would try harder to BF next time so i am definately not anti breast!

and bathsheba but what if someone didnt try? for whatever reason.......do they deserve the stick then?

Bathsheba · 14/04/2010 19:39

No, absolutely not - I'm just going on the amount of people who had said above that they wouldn;t judge unless someone hadn't even tried....I'm saying that you can't tell who has and who hasn't tried....

currycrazy · 14/04/2010 19:54

yep i see what you mean bathsheba sorry if i sounded abrupt

ilovepiccolina · 14/04/2010 20:31

I think there's some history of prejudice against BF that we now know was misplaced. People ff instead, which is why you always see a picture of a bottle on 'new baby' cards. It was the norm. DH was born in the 60s & there is no way that his mum or her friends would BF - it was seen as 'not nice', probably a bit 'earthy', the sort of thing savages did, or loony left types, or as we would say, lentil weavers.

Another point is that if I were to see a certain type of person using a bottle, I would assume 'ignorance', I suppose. Do you think that this type of mother has had a go at BF, or just put her dch straight on the bottle so she can leave them with her mum while she goes out on the razz??

currycrazy · 14/04/2010 20:45

so you are now stereotyping ffers by saying they must all be vikki pollard types!!!
how awful is that!!!???

currycrazy · 14/04/2010 20:51

i find it highly ignorant that you would just assume that "type of mother" hadn´t even tried!!!

Zara75 · 14/04/2010 20:53

I never would!!But do you think you feel you hade enough support?

ilovepiccolina · 14/04/2010 21:04

Would you assume that she had tried BF?

ilovepiccolina · 14/04/2010 21:04

Maybe I'm ignorant. Or maybe you're ignoring something that you don't want to face.

currycrazy · 14/04/2010 21:09

what that i am like vikki pollard?

erm no...i FF but i come from a long long line of BFers.I had a grammar school education and know all the benefits of BFing.
I am not going to discuss my choices with you but please dont just tar everyone with the same brush

ilovepiccolina · 14/04/2010 21:15

You've got the wrong end of the stick. What I meant was that there are women who desperately want to BF but can't, for one reason or another, and it's easy - but wrong - to judge them & assume that they CBA to try. And then there are the 'Vicky Pollards'. Do you seriously think she'd try? As I said, she'd park the baby with her mum while she goes out with her mates.

tryingtobemarrypoppins2 · 14/04/2010 21:23

I cried everyday for 3 months with pain and infection feeding my first. Second time round it has been so easy! Really odd!

I have to be honest if it had been the other way around I would have thought FF mums were making life harder as BF was quite easy. But I know all to well that sometimes it all goes wrong or you decide its just not working. I did feel really bad but life was much easier once i switched to FF. This time round i'll cry when I have to stop BF!

"Never judge until you have walked in their shoes"

Wolfcub · 14/04/2010 21:23

I don't and I've been there and I hate the thought that some people might judge and I had the same worries as you. I think people look and sometimes wonder why but they don't know your circumstances and they rarely comment and to be honest it's really none of their business. There are lots of reasons people bottle feed, for me it was ten weeks of exclusive expressing until my milk pretty much dried up on christmas day and really how do those people who might judge know that it isn't expressed milk in the bottle?

DollyMessiter · 14/04/2010 21:31

It's sad that a mother would feel worried about being judged for a perfectly valid parenting decision.

It's hard enough without these extra concerns.

Try and be confident about the fact that you are doing your best for your baby, and I'm sure no-one will even bat an eyelid.

RedRedWine1980 · 14/04/2010 21:52

ILove having worked on a NICU it amazed how some of the 'seem like they cba and just want to get pissed and smoke and are total scrotes' were very adamant they wanted to at least TRY bf

ilovepiccolina · 15/04/2010 10:17

I'm glad to hear that. Times are changing then. I gave birth in 1993, my dtws were born at 29 weeks & on SCBU for 9 weeks. I managed to bf through sheer cussed determination not to give up (and total support from DH & the nurses. The cleaner on the ward saw the problems I was havng & urged me to put them 'on the bottle!').

It broke my heart, though, the attitudes of some of the other mothers I saw/heard while I was hanging about in the hospital. While I was longing to hug mine, the girl in the next bed to me left her newborn to cry for ages, saying 'They do say it does them good to cry' Her mother was with her & said nothing. Ignorance. There, that's judging.

But I'm trying not to judge.

tittybangbang · 15/04/2010 12:25

"having worked on a NICU it amazed how some of the 'seem like they cba and just want to get pissed and smoke and are total scrotes' were very adamant they wanted to at least TRY bf"

I went to a Bliss study day where I listened to a talk by a very well known neonatal consultant . He spent an hour talking about how breastmilk saved the life of many babies in SCBU, and how in his unit they encourage parents to see it as medicine and not just food.

Parents want to do everything they can to help their babies. Glad that more of them are being encouraged to give their premmie babies their own milk.

Brollyflower · 15/04/2010 18:59

I have read the whole thread and am really sad from reading some of the experiences people have been through and also some of the responses they get, especially when these come from people who say they support breastfeeding.

For those of you who judge.

missmoopy · 15/04/2010 19:45

I tell you what, Ruby and Titty, the people I judge, are people like YOU. BF zealots who attempt, in their holier than thou beliefs, to make mums who ff feel like bad mothers. I wonder what it is that makes you feel the need to do so, and I can only conclude that is due to either your overinflated sense of self OR terriblelow self esteem. I don't know which one you both fall into, but please, stop quoting supposed "medical facts".

RubyBuckleberry · 15/04/2010 19:58

oh he we go. missmoopy, stating facts is not judging. i have said time and again that it is the situation, the companies, the tragic lack of support that i judge. will you please stop being so rude to me and making assertions about the state of my self esteem and so forth. it is out of order.