Do you judge mums who bottle feed?

[babybrian]

I tried to breastfeed, for one reason and another I failed. I am about to start going to baby groups and have worked myself into a bit of a neurotic state.

Tell me, honestly , do you judge mums who bottle feed? My dd is only 8 weeks and I worry people will think I don't love her.

I was definitely judged once (woman made loud comment about how I'd give my baby chips next) but the other time, actually I think the guy was glaring because I had a baby at all, and we were in Borders cafe and he probably just wanted to read in peace. I humbly assumed it was the bottle, because I felt so shit about using said bottle.

Nobody really needed to judge me. I was already beating myself up so much about it. Worst experience of my life, failure to bf, because all new mothers so want to do the very very best for their babies, and to fail at the first hurdle is soul-destroying. It hurts such a lot. I'm so sorry, because if you feel shamed it must be hurting you as well.

I had a c-section as well because my baby was breech! Labour had only just started so I didn't get to experience that either. I feel like I have done absolutely nothing as nature intended and am therefore a complete failure - like I've flunked two very important exams - and have/am missing out on a vital part of being a mum. MY DH, family and friends think I'm nuts. It seems we judge ourselves far more harshly than others. Though I have yet to run the gauntlet of bottle-feeding in public.

Completely honestly? Intellectually, not at all. Fully support mother's decision, and if not a choice, fully understand there are good reasons why breastfeeding is not possible.

But completely honestly, in my gut, yes a little bit. Not very proud of it though. Also completely inconsistently, as I bottle fed from six months. That is part of the reason why though -- like Meandacat says, we judge ourselves harshly, and I did think I should have carried on, so having judged myself, I suppose that gut feeling remains.

In my head, no, I don't judge. But I have to tell myself not to.

I would NEVER think a mother didn't love her baby for bottle feeding, and the more I find out about the breastfeeding situation in this country, the less I judge the mother, but I still judge the situation itself because in many cases it is a tragedy bought on by the woeful lack of support and dodgy advice given to mothers who want to breastfeed.

It seems to be a complete lottery whether you end up with a good HV with excellent breastfeeding contacts or a crap HV who advises babyrice at 18 weeks and advises formula topups when there is no need, which is the case in the majority of cases. British breasts cannot be incapable of producing enough milk! Midwife support is patchy at best and even some families completely undermine a woman's attempt to do the best for her baby.

I actually think what we need is a campaign urging women to fight back and breastfeed!

Saying that, some women give up breastfeeding because of certain problems that are an inconvenience and uncomfortable, often downright painful. The same problems that I and millions of breastfeeding mothers face everyday at the beginning. The difference is that I would have to have been run over by a bus or something for my baby not to have received my breastmilk, so convinced I am by the evidence that it is far superior to formula in so many ways, so in a way I am a little judgey when women give up for these reasons.

p.s tittytittybangbang's posts have been excellent imo

I wouldn't judge at all. It has taken my 3rd attempt at BF to "get it right" and felt like you with my older DC's. I was a bit ashamed about bottle feeding and always told "my story" how BF didn't work out. I also would say that I wasn't interested on BF to 6 months anyway so FF seemed ok to do. This was a lie if I am honest.

I did tend to look over and see how a mother was feeding. If she was BF, I would be soooo jealous. I am BF my 9month old now and haven't really concerned myself since he was born how other mothers are feeding.

Most importantly I don't judge on why someone may have given up BF either. For example, women who give up because it is painful, I give them a break. I have been there myself. DD had an undetected tongue tie and when she fed it felt like someone had taken a razor and was cutting my nipples. It hurt more than birth and I gave birth to her with no drugs! We stopped at 3 1/2 months. With DS who I am still BF, I had mastitis 4 times and yes it was agony but nothing like I went through with DD. Everyone's circumstances are different.

Good luck, don't worry and enjoy your baby. It really does fly by!!

I don't judge just feel a little sad that culturally ff is so much more common than bf so when i see a bf mum I feel a little pleased. Many mums who are ff could have bf if they'd had the right support or advice. Also bf rates will not increase until there is a culture of bf and I have no idea how that will ever happen.

I ff ds as struggled so much and he lost weight and my supply failed after weeks of recurrent mastitis and bleeding nipples. I was devestated and developed PND but looking back I could have done it if I'd known more and I'd had help. I bf dd for over a year and a lot of the reasons why it worked were the same reasons it didn't with ds. I'm due again in 6 weeks and hope I haven't forgotten all I learned and can access support when I need it this time.

DD who is now nearly 9 knows that baby will be bf because that's what breasts are for.

Not had time to read all the messages but as a current bf mother who's 8 mnth dd will not take a bottle at all I think there are pro's and cons to both and i would never judge a mum either way. In my anti natal class 7 of us started bf and i'm the only one who's baby has never had a bottle but that has not been through choice. You need to feel happy to care for your baby properly so if bottles are the right thing then go with it. No one has the right to judge you but sadly many will be all too happy to do so! You know your self and your baby have faith in your choices and abilities!

I never judge anyone I see ff, I don't know any of their history or the reasons for it.

I do judge (in my head only) those who refuse to try.

For those who (like the op) have tried & failed I judge (voiciferously) the lamentable BF support available through the NHS (but I would never judge the mother)

I know only too well how horrendously hard it can be to try to establish BF. I would never have done it if I hadn't been in the enviable position of having mountains of good & informed support. My Mum & Aunty are extended BF's & my midwife & HV were v v well informed & great. I strongly feel that everyone deserves these things.

I just want to re-iterate what's been said above about lack of support on the NHS. Or rather lack of appropriate support. For me, I honestly believe that if I could have had consistent support at home rather than inconsistent support at the hospital (which just made me incredibly stressed and made a bad situation worse, imo) my experience and the end result could have been a whole lot different.

Has anyone attempted any research into this? Given how many of us seem to have wanted to BF but find themselves FF instead, is no-one considering why BF rates in the UK are so low? A challenge/campaign for Mumsnet?!

People who feel smug when they have suceeded at bf where others have failed or decided not to carry on really do need to find something better to worry about- other mothers feeding choices for their children are just that, as are yours. Worry about whats going on in your own back yard I say as there must be some deep seated insecurities going on to feel the need to judge other mums doing THEIR best for THEIR child.

Why do you judge people who dont want do give breastfeeding a try? Its their body, their baby, their choice. What makes you think you are a better mother that those who ff.

have 2 dc, ff both of them without trying to bf. No one where i come from breastfeeds their children.

what makes you so superior that you bf and we dont. Our choice. Keep you judgemental nose (and your tits) out of our business

PMSL Jesus- hear hear!

I think I would wonder (quietly) why she is not bf. If she did not want to then fine her choice. If she wanted to but couldn't then would probably judge the advice and support she had been given rather then the way she chose to feed her baby

i judge people who judge.

See I wonder how many mums who FF sit looking at Mums who bf and think 'ooh wonder why she isnt bottle feeding?'

Its very bizarre to think about other peoples feeding options

I suppose people just wonder why you wouldn't try it when it is objectively and demonstrably better for your baby.
It is your choice, but not all options are equal. Bf is superior, we just mostly don't say so cos people get all upset about it.

Jesus, if ff babies weren't disadvantaged in any way by their mother's choice then I doubt anyone would get exercised about it.

Are they HUGELY disadvantaged by not being bf though? No, they are minutely disadvantaged. Its not something people need to feel concerned about in the scheme of things, not like parents who inflict imeasurable harm on their children because they are plain evil.

i agree redredwine...........in the grand scheme of things it is really not a big deal......like someone said to me whos child was stillborn...they wouldnt give a toss about how they were fed,they would give anything to have their child here with them....and another lady whos son died ages 13 in a car accident........life is too short to worry and bitch about how other peoples children are fed.as long as they are fed and loved it really really does not matter

No would never judge - like whensitmydayoff I have occasionally been a bit envious that mums ff their babies can feed without hoiking up their top and without baby constantly pulling off the nipple to have a look around. I once had a mother looking at me in a very judgemental way when I started to wean my (premature) baby. I was feeding her mashed banana and I think she thought I was weaning her far too early. I really wanted to ask her why she was staring at me/dd in that way!

"Are they HUGELY disadvantaged by not being bf though? No, they are minutely disadvantaged"

Ah - well, this is the nub isn't it?

I personally think that children are disadvantaged by not being breastfed, in a fairly important way - even if it's impossible to measure in the individual child. But then I've spent a lot of time reading about this issue, so probably am more aware of the possible implications of infant feeding choices than a lot of other people. In my experience, the more you know about infant feeding, the more babies not getting human milk troubles you.

The less you know the less bothered you are.

I know me - only allergy is to cat hair, cast iron stomach, never spent a night in hospital till I had my son, three degrees and a highly paid job, etc, etc...

Currycrazy - that sort of comment, about it not mattering in comparison to your child dying.... well, nothing really matters when you look at it that way does it

That said, the FSID have linked ff to higher rates of SIDS. There's also fairly good evidence that ff is implicated in higher rates of some very serious illnesses, like type 1 diabetes and NEC.. .... In other words - some babies in the UK will die, and others will experience very, very serious illnesses as a result of a lack of breastfeeding. Not to mention the signficant increases in hospital admissions for less serious illnesses - namely respitory infections and d+v, both much more common in ff babies.

It's not all trivial you know!

You could say that about anything...feed them only mcdonalds and pizza, cos you know, they could be dead, lifes too short to worry about it....don't send them to bed before 2am, because lifes to short to worry about bedtimes.....yada yada.

I don't care how anyone feeds their kids, none of my business, but facts don't change cos you want them to, and bf IS better than FF. It just is, and we all know it, and you wouldn't be so defensive if you didn't know it too.

noone said it was trivial just that it is not the end of the bloody world!