Reasons for not breastfeeding in public

[DitaVonCheese]

A discussion on another forum I frequent has got me thinking and I'd love to hear some other people's views. If you didn't/don't breastfeed in public (or if you do but are nervous), is it because you're worried about showing too much, or anxious about being told off by a security guard/interfering old bat/unenlightened male, or for some other reason I've missed?

When I first started I was worried about getting told off but now would probably quite happily cause a scene if necessary I think now I'd be more annoyed if someone just kept tutting but didn't actually say anything, so I'd end up being annoyed all day rather than letting rip!

I really don't like the idea of a child demanding to be fed to such an extent that it helps itself, and when I was quite young we had a family friend (very lentil weavery ) whose child did exactly that. The mum was totally relaxed about it, so good for her I guess but I do remember thinking it was very odd (although she may well have been the only breastfeeding mum I knew as a child). For myself I really didn't enjoy breastfeeding very much because it felt like a total invasion of my space, especially with dd who was very much an on off on off sort of baby. But then she was also very clingy, so for me stopping feeding her and going back to work was a relief (ds was much more focused, so I didn't find it so difficult with him).

I don't think it is unreasonable to bear in mind that not all mums thinking about breastfeeding are very comfortable with the idea, and certainly if I had felt that if I started then I would have to go on for years I would either have felt totally miserable or seriously considered opting for a bottle much earlier. A range of different types of people offering support when learning to breastfeed is surely not a bad thing is it? Anyway as it was I was lucky enough that the MW grabbing my breast and sticking it into ds's mouth was enough to get us going (I have tiny breasts and it was within minutes of a c-section, so I couldn't have done it myself).

Re the out and about issue, I think having the law behind bf would be a good thing. I don't recall ever having any grief, but I did generally carry a scarf/shawl just in case. My only issue was that without cushions etc park benches were just uncomfortable.

nooka - I don't like the idea of a child demanding to be fed, whether it be the breast, a biscuit or a chocolate bar. However, that is the way some people choose to parent, and while I might make a comment in private (the way we all do) I wouldn't dream of mentioning it to the parent.

I don't like my DS demanding, so although he can't really ask politely yet, if there is any scratching/pinching etc behaviour to get my attention, he doesn't get his milk. That's the way I choose to do it.

I BF'd both my DC's and had no qualms about doing it in public.
But I didn't draw attention to myself about it. I wore loose tops that combined with a suckling child, made it impossible to tell I was BFing. It just looked as if I was cradling a sleeping baby.

The only time I didn't was when my BIL was around and I was instucted he didn't like it and as a wimp at the time, I would dutifully go elsewhere...even in my own home lol....wouldn't do that now though!

ChairmumMiaow,I don't like the expression 'demand fed'.

I think of it more fed according to need.

Babies know when they are hungry and how long they need to feed for. It's a survival instinct especially in the first year.

I bf my 2 year old DD.

We're reducing it to bedtime feed only now but I do feel self conscious doing it in public.

Perhaps I should get more militant.

Don't say militant, Winky, it has such negative connotations. What you want is to be comfortable doing what you and your child want to do which does not affect anyone else. FWIW, I have stopped feeding my older 2 DDs at about 1, and will probably do so with my DD3. Just because I don't want to bfeed for longer does not mean that I will not defend your right to do so

just returning to this thread - wow sleepless, I sure hope I never need any peer support from you!

What will you do if you are asked to support someone who is feeding an older child? Or does your support only extend to the kind of feeding you consider to be ok?

sleepless has gone, visiter....she felt she was being criticised for having an opinion and felt many people were being 'unreasoned' and 'blinkered'.

It's a shame, 'cos your question is a good one!

well, perhaps she's still reading even if she's not posting.

In which case, Sleepless of course you are entitled to your opinion, but I think you should think very hard about how you will react if asked to support someone feeding their toddler or co-feeding their toddler and newborn.

Perhaps they might even come to you for advice on how to deal with negative feedback from others.

I bf dd2 in public well past a year, possibly close to 2yo - i can't remember when i stopped doing so tbh and I never had her pulling at my top or trying to hoick it up except for maybe once or twice when i was really distracted by busy-ness and missed some early cues or forgot to offer her at a more convenient time.

I wonder if it may have partly been because I did not try to put off her earlier cues to feed her so i fed her mostly at times and places where it was more convenient for us to feed - ie where there was a chair nearby. Or maybe offer her before we left the car if I knew i was bound to spend an hr or so in the supermarket.

This is a child that weaned very late, not eating much till at least 18 months old due to allergies we now know and never ever went 2 hrs between feeds until she was taking a reasonable amt of solids.

I have been thinking about this because of some recent posts on here about toddlers 'helping themselves' and 'grabbing tops' all with an underlying tone of distaste for extended bfing in general.

I remember once watching a baby about 8 months old get increasingly agitated then crying in a buggy while his mum and her friend ate at an outdoor cafe seemingly at their leisure. I was getting increasingly unreasonable because I thought poor child, why can't she pick him out of the buggy/poor child must be bored, yadda yadda.

Lo and behold, after the child was properly crying, she picked him up and breastfed him! why oh why couldn't she have done that sooner! not for my sake but for the child's? surely a child who is expected to wait for a need ends up going to increasingly desperate measures to get what it needs. So I can only imagine that this child could become a 'diving down the top' baby with mother's friends nearby going 'ugh, can't stand watching ....' (yes extraolating here but it is hopefully a reasonable one.)

This is by no means an excuse for people going 'ugh' etc. which I find distasteful. It makes me also wonder if because mums know their friends have the 'ugh' factor about feeding in public or feeding an older baby/toddler that they put off their toddler or baby thereby reinforcing some kind of vicious circle when the child moves on to more desperate ways of getting a feed.

It surely plays a role in the fear women feel about feeding an older child and therefore decide to wean earlier than they'd ideally want to.

As dd1 got older and could hold a reasonable verbal exchange with me, the time came when she was capable of understanding that she could wait till we got home and she took that without a fuss. This was nearer or past 2.5y i believe.

i never saw it as a role of mine to teach her that all good things come to an end, or teach her to wait, or whatever we think the role of ours is as a parent.

ONe thing i have learnt as a mum is that there is v little i can teach my child till she is developmentally ready to learn it. I can condition her to accept a lot or behave in a certain way but I have a feeling that would be at the expense of something else I'd be surprised to find out later.

My child otoh has learnt a lot of things I did not fathom she was learning at the time so for me, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that this sort of 'teaching them to wait' or 'that all good things come to an end' actually teaches a lesson I had unintentionally and possibly didn't necessarily want her to learn.

thanks for bearing with me if you got this far.

I was originally really worried about bf in public especially when I am on my own. However, I realised quite quickly I would never be able to go out for more than a few hours if I didnt get over it.

I will now feed DD wherever we are as I dont show anything and have the confidence to challenge any negative comments.

What a difference 12 weeks of bf has made!!!!

So far I have had a few interested glances but no negative comments!

What an interesting thread.

I bf dd for 3 months (I was 20 then) and stopped as I started weaning and didn't want baby rice all over me! (Don't flame me for this, that was the age recommended then and I was only 20!!)
DS was born when I was 34 and whilst I tried to bf, we only managed it for about 6 weeks. He didn't latch on as easy as dd (who was put on my breast the moment she was born - coincidence?). I did feel a bit uncomfortable whilst out, but mainly as we weren't getting on with it that well. I think it's a bit of a vicous (sp?) circle then - I felt a bit uneasy, hence wasn't as relaxed, hence milk probably didn't flow then ds wasn't feeding properly - cue my getting more anxious and around we go again.
Part of the issue for me was that I was so busy trying to be discreet that I couldn't latch him on properly. Not sure a law would make a difference but I do think a shift in attitudes to bf would have, as I'd have been more comfortable to be freer in getting them out and him latched on, before putting a cover over us.

Am pg again now and desperately hoping for a repeat of dd and not ds!!

I'll feed dd (9 mo) anywhere, although it's less easy now that she is more distractible. I have only had good comments, and plenty of them. These have mostly been from older women saying 'well done' 'good on you' 'you don't see enough of that these days' etc. I am fairly discreet, but when she pulls off there is inevitably a bit of flesh on show. I like the tip about the double top - Freezing cold winds around the midriff are the thing most likely to put me off feeding in public!

I've found real support from lurking on the bf threads particularly when I felt the pressure from others (including my HV) to wean. I've sat here on several occasions at night looking for reassurance to carry on as we are and have found it DD is 20 months and feeds as she likes. I've noticed that it's often a way to reconnect with me say, after nursery or being out and I'm delighted to be able to reassure her so easily.

As for bf in public, I've found it's a matter of confidence too - I was watchful at first but after my supply settled down and I worked out comfortable positions - plus did and still do the vest trick - I'll feed anywhere. Like others, I am a little more self-conscious now she's older, but haven't experienced any hostility at any point and like to think I would be vocal and indignant if I did.

I remember years ago, before I had DD, seeing the friend of a friend feeding her toddler DD in between her running around and thinking it seemed a lovely, cosy thing to do. Have only realised of late that it was an important impression which has helped me carry on with the bf.

I usually notice other women breastfeeding, partly cos I'm a Midwife, partly cos I'm a nosy traveller and people watch. Was on the underground last month and almost said "Good for you" to a young woman who started feeding her baby(who was getting a bit cross) but thought she might think I was patronising. I would see it as supportive but I'm used to new Mums who often need the confidence boost. Do you appreciate the positive comments or would you prefer people ignored it as it should be seen as normal anyway?

That's a difficult one, trafficwarden. Despite being confident about bfeeding myself, I still like the positive comments. However, I also like it when people say any nice things about my baby (or older children!). There have been threads on here where some folks seem to take it as an invasion of their privacy if a stranger dares to comment upon their baby...... don't know if I'm in a minority

Maybe easier to say "what a lovely baby" as that acknowledges the good for you without making her feel self conscious or patronised.
I'd welcome a "good for you" in support, but then I might not know what to respond!

I like the positive comments

I think Hooter Hiders should be prohibited by law, on the grounds that they are effectively sexist bosom burquas, and that it should be made a criminal offence to ask bf mothers to move on or otherwise harrass them, with huge fines directly donated to bf helplines and lactation advice services.

That having been said, in 22 years of bf on and off, the only person who has even said anything stupid about it to me has been my own mother who effectively chucked me out of a restaurant, and made me feed standing up in an alleyway by the side 'in case we got asked to leave'. Why oh why did I listen to her???? She also made a big fuss about my dad minding seeing me feed, which he never ever has.

I wish I had hte confidence to use some of the comebacks on here. Having said only yesterday!! that I'd only had 2 negative experiences bf, I was gawped at in the drs surgery this morning when feeding ds. The guy sat opposite literally held his magazine down and stared at me for 2 full minutes, and I felt myself getting redder and redder . I so wish I'd had it in me to ask if he wanted a photo but I felt pretty vulnerable actually which I didn't expect. I guess I'll have to work harder to earn my militant badge Made me very though

Haven't read all of the posts, but just wanted to add that I only had postive comments too on feeding my dss in public - often very visibly. My only advice, however, is not to feed near wild horses! They get very enthusiastically interested at the scent of breastmilk - as I discovered whilst beating a very hasty retreat across wild and windy moorland!

DS1 (11) suggested on Sunday that we close the Dining Room curtains as I was feeding DS3 in there.

Poor chap got a 5-minute lecture on how breastfeeding was noble and good thing to do, and how breasts were not just sexual objects. As the poor child has not yet hit puberty, this was a lot for him to cope with.

I think the reality is that a couple of generations basically more or less forgot how to bf, and how it works. Now more women are doing it, in a generation's time we might not be having these debates. Hopefully.

I live in Scotland and love the fact that the law says that you cannot stop a mother breastfeeding a baby/ child up to the age of 2 My family lives in England and although noone has ever said anything to me, I have had more stares and obvious discomfort from people there when feeding my toddler. I never feel uncomfortable feeding my toddler in Scotland because I know I am protected by the law.

My 5 month old DS is a bit of a biggie, as babies go, and I am, in addition to my lovely in-laws recommending weaning every time I see them, getting a little paranoid in case anyone says anything like "Why are you still breast-feeding that 2 year old?".

Having said that, apart from my lovely in-laws, no-one ever has. I am much more worried about expressing when I return to work as I am expecting comments in the office and other workers complaining that I get special treatment e.g. breast breaks to express milk. I fully intend to bf to at least 12 months.

FairyLights, I am v interested in the Scottish Law thing - it is getting better in England and I find a brazen attitude of "I'm just getting my boobs out, don't mind me" helps. Plus, the noise DS makes when he's hungry is so loud that most people are just glad when it stops (sometimes with an audible "glop", iyswim)...

I have to say, though, that I do feel sorry for my poor FIL as never before have I seen such embarrassment. I generally chicken out and bottle-feed ebm if he's around as he genuinely seems to find it excruciatingly difficult to be around.