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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Is not bf-ing the worst thing you can do....

180 replies

Alderney · 04/04/2005 18:16

Sorry, really don't want to start some sort of pro/anti bf-ing argument here..

I've been thinking about this recently for various reasons..

Pufflet is 14 months old - she was bf for 1 day - she wouldn't latch on at all and we moved to ff-ing.

I'm happy with this choice and see lots of positives in it...

However I have been "condemned" on many occassions for "not doing the best for my baby" and "not doing what is natural" - I have been glared at in public for mixing up formula, and I have had so many people assume I've breastfed....I know people who bf have similar issues and experiences

I know people who have been very very commited to breastfeeding, who then, when their baby is on solids, feed them all sorts of pre-processed sugar loaded crap. I know people who seem happy to have their children brought up by various parents, step parents, nurseries etc while they go off and "follow their dreams".....I know people who will agonise over which school to send their child to and will go to great lengths to get into a good one.....I know people who take their chidren on vast educational holidays and give them fantastic experiences...To these people they have made other choices that I can just see having a greater effect on a child's life in totality...

I know breastfeeding or formula feeding is one of the first choices a mother makes, and many people see it as important, but is choosing to formula feed really THAT wrong in the whole life big picture....
(I know all the immune system/obesity arguments and reasons for breastfeeding - whilst I don't thing bf-ing is a great panacea for all things, I do recognise that there is scientific evidence which says bfing is better for babies and mum's all round health)

OP posts:
lockets · 15/04/2005 18:09

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flamesparrow · 15/04/2005 18:10

I don't think anyone else's opinion is worthless - I might not agree with it, but to completely condemn it seems terrible. This has completely knocked out a whole rant I had earlier too ...

I'm not sure if "incestuous" is the word I would have used, but I can see where she is coming from. I don't feel that way myself, but various ways of being brought up can bring that feeling, just as walking around naked in front of children can be horrifying to some people, or having naked children running round the house can be greatly distressing too.

If you have been raised with the feeling that your body is sexual, then having a child sucking from it would seem wrong.

Polina · 15/04/2005 18:12

How can a feeling be valueless? If you feel it, you are entitled to do so even if other people think it is deeply strange. And if it's any comfort, DragonTree, I know of a couple of other mums (assuming they are not you!) who felt similarly and they are fantastic mothers.

Tiktok, I'm lost for words. How cruel.

aloha · 15/04/2005 18:13

What about 'I think jews are an inferior race" or "women shouldn't have the vote because they have inadequate brains' or 'trees wake up at night and kill children'.
Yes, I do think some opinions are worthless. Warped and sick, yes, but hardly worthy of respect.
Yes, there may be some very sad reasons why this woman has these warped views, but I sure as hell don't 'respect' them. They are grossly insulting.

cod · 15/04/2005 18:13

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aloha · 15/04/2005 18:14

Cruel??? She comes on here and says that she thinks breastfeeding is sick, sexual and akin to child abuse and we should 'respect' that. Come off it!

cod · 15/04/2005 18:14

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aloha · 15/04/2005 18:15

Yes, you are right cod. Time to put down the mouse and walk away from the computer....
Anyway, about those killer trees...

lockets · 15/04/2005 18:17

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cod · 15/04/2005 18:18

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flamesparrow · 15/04/2005 18:20

Has it occurred to you that she might have used the closest word that she could think of?? I very much doubt that she was saying that breast feeding mums are child abusers!!!!

When did "respecting" her opinion come into anything? Disagreeing with her is fine, but to say that her opinion is worthless is entirely different, I find opinions like "Its my body and I can smoke during pregnancy" to be just as sick as some others, but at the end of the day, it is still another human being's opinion, however nuts they are.

cod · 15/04/2005 18:20

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Polina · 15/04/2005 18:20

Sorry, missed the bit about sick, sexual and child abuse. Only saw someone who had had "odd" feelings about it and dared to mention them. Sorry if I have missed some subtext everyone else understands. But to say that you are surprised anyone wants to be in the same room with this person is cruel in my book.

tiktok · 15/04/2005 18:24

polina, I didn't say her feelings were worthless - I said her opinion was without value. Read my post, please, before you accuse me of being cruel. I don't withdraw a word of it.

I explained that feelings may come from our background, and we may not have control over them...but an adult has a responsibility not to let those feelings take over and become 'opinions', when they are as offensive and judgemental as that.

tiktok · 15/04/2005 18:27

So, polina, you don't understand why a breastfeeding mother would feel uncomfortable being in the same room as someone who expresses her 'opinion' that breastfeeding seems 'incestuous'????

I'd feel pretty angry sharing the same post code, let alone room, if someone expressed that opinion to me.

Do you not know the meaning of 'incestuous'? There is no 'subtext' there. The meaning is clear.

NotQuiteCockney · 15/04/2005 18:28

I think we need to respect that some people have feelings that make it hard or impossible for them to breastfeed.

But I think linking breastfeeding and incest, even slightly, is really not a nice thing to say, particularly to a group of breastfeeding mothers. I recommend "I'm not comfortable with breastfeeding" or "It's a long story" as an explanation over "It seems incestuous".

Polina · 15/04/2005 18:32

Tiktok, I have read your post. I always do read what you have to say, as I have always respected your informed stance even when I don't agree with it in entirety. I come into contact with a lot of mothers who have issues following childbirth, and a feeling of repulsion to breastfeeding is not unheard of by any means. Someone as informed as you must know this. That is why I felt you were being cruel, not just to DragonTree but to any others with this feeling. Hope that clarifies my response.

Polina · 15/04/2005 18:41

I'm a breastfeeding mother. Am I just not reacting the right way?

Polina · 15/04/2005 18:43

Sorry, crossed posts.

You put it much better than me, NQC, thank you.

I thought Dragon was being brave. Obviously naivety another of my manifold crimes.

NotQuiteCockney · 15/04/2005 18:44

Polina, you're just being more patient and understanding than me, I think.

I see this sort of comment in the context of women being told off for breastfeeding in public (which never happens to me, always to women who are less scary-looking and more likely to whimper and run off), and in the context of a general attitude of women as sexual objects, not people.

Maybe I should just see DragonTree as obviously broken, and not part of a societal attitude that bothers me greatly.

NotQuiteCockney · 15/04/2005 18:46

I could try to see her as brave, only she said "Am I the only one who sees breastfeeding as incestuous". She thinks/hopes others feel the same way.

Had she said, "I am uncomfortable with breastfeeding, it seems sexual to me. Because of this I could not breastfeed." or words to that effect, then yes, I could see that as brave.

AnnieQ · 15/04/2005 18:47

You will notice that DragonTree hasn't been back to defend her stance. The words Trip, Trap spring to mind.

The opinion of a troll isn't worth arguing with each other about.

NotQuiteCockney · 15/04/2005 18:47

Hmm, rereading ... if you've been told off for bf in public, I don't mean you did whimper and run off. I just mean, the sort of bullies who hassle bf mothers don't pick big butch women like me, they hassle women who they think will let them get away with it.

Polina · 15/04/2005 18:50

NQC, I hadn't thought of that side of things - excellent point. In the main I have been very lucky with supportiveness for breasfeeding in public, (although I was told off for bf-ing in public once; unfortunately - or perhaps fortunately! - I then got so nervous that I squirted milk straight in his face.) so I am often guilty of forgetting that side of the problem. Thankyou.

bosscat · 15/04/2005 19:13

I've read this thread really carefully and I am sure that dragontree was absolutely not saying that breast feeding is in anyway child abuse. She said "seems incestuous". I know that might sound really mind boggling to women who breast feed, love breast feeding and think its beautiful but not everyone feels that pull. I hasten to add that I have both breast and bottle fed my children and I am not anti either form of feeding having experienced both. Some people on MN cannot comprehend that other women would not find b/f as lovely as they do and constantly ask the question "but why would you feel disgust/revulsion" and the answer is simple! Not everyone feels great about their bodies, not everyone likes the feeling, some people have different ideas about their breasts. I think we should stop asking "but how" and just get our heads around the fact not everyone makes the same choices as you but it doesn't make your own choice any less legitimate. I read Aloha's post the other night about being in the Imperial War Museum with the old bats making comments about her b/f and I thought it really sad they reacted like that and felt a great deal of sympathy for Aloha. But at the same time, I am a bit tired of the assumption that the world should open b/f mothers with open arms yet b/f mothers can dismiss other people's feelings by saying its "outrageous" and these people are "abnormal". Surely a great deal more tolerance should be displayed and acceptance of others feelings. The door swings both ways. Tik Tok I can see how angry that post made you but I remember Moondog saying once how she got a private room in hospital because she couldn't stand the sight of bottle feeding mothers. I thought how silly and offensive that comment was but I don't remember causing much of a reaction. Seems a little unfair.