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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Anyone else prepared to admit that they didn't b/f just because they didn't want to ??

650 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 02/01/2009 19:46

Just wondered really.

I have 3 dc and didn't breast feed any. I was 19 when I had dd1 and was asked by a midwife if i'd be breastfeeding and I said no. There was no argument or discussion, that was that.

When I had dd2 at 34 weeks she had to be tube fed. I offered to express milk for her but was told i needn't bother.

With ds, again I didn't want to but even if I had it would have been hard as he was supposed to be on phototherapy 24/7 for a week.

I think the attitude towards ff mums on this forum by some bf mums is disgusting. I would never dream of saying anything against any mum for feeding her baby by whichever way she chooses, yet some of the comments on here like 'formula should only be available if there is a proven medical need' are just awful.

OP posts:
woozywotzy · 09/01/2009 22:59

I have avoided these thread. But not today. The sense of guilt that I should have (by all accounts) has never happened. Yes I, FF dd1 and then dd2 - 2 years later. I became pregnant with dd1, I was in full time employment (10 hour plus days), I worked till 2 weeks before birth (she was early - so keen to be seen). No time for classes, except 2 which I did not find helpful. I then had lovely baby with gass and air, and was on maternity leave and then back to work soon after. She sounds like a Tescos order, looking back it was a bit like that, came, delivered, put away, got on with things. How some will rise to that example.

She is not obese and is a healthy child (now 12), as is dd2. I'll ask myself, did I do the wrong thing? I'll answer...."No." Did my mother make the correct/incorrect choice? Well, I appear perfectly normal (I think) now I'm in my 40's after being BF myself!

Bringing up a child is hard enough without the required guilt that some want to cast about FF vs BF.

What do you expect your children, your girls or your boys OH's to do? That's a thought. How much will you enforce your own views onto their choices.

bubbleymummy · 09/01/2009 23:03

woozywotzy - can I ask why you didn't want to bf? Did you think it would interfere with your return to work? Just curious - you don;t have to answer.

woozywotzy · 09/01/2009 23:12

Work might have been a reason in some form or another. I truly can't remember. It might have been the MW "breast is best" attitude and my hormones playing tricks on me. I don't know.

I certainly consider BF, but choose not to. I will not be made to feel bad about it now. As your child grows there are many more things that you can choose to do together and establish a good healthy basis, to help your child have a healthy life and diet, that will improve and remain with them forever.

ladymariner · 09/01/2009 23:32

Haven't read past the first page. I ff ds, never tried to bf simply because I didn't want to, and I have no regrets at all. Ds is 13 now, fit, healthy and gorgeous. He was a peaceful, contented baby and I loved every minute of it, those first few days getting to know each other were truly magical.

Would we have had such a wonderful time if I'd been struggling to do something that I felt unhappy doing just because society pushed me to do it. The answer is a resounding no.

I also firmly believe that it is up to the mother to do what she feels is best for her and the baby, and not to then be judged and made to feel she has in some way wronged her child.

aurorec · 09/01/2009 23:49

No one is trying to make you feel bad. People are just curious.
I have to say when my sister told me the other day that one of her friends had a baby and wasn't BFing (in fact had decided as soon as she was pregnant that she wouldn't nurse and was given medicine after birth to stop her milk coming in) my first reaction was 'why'?

Not negative but bemused. Sorry if that sounds patronising.

vixma · 10/01/2009 00:05

I did not bf, it was not because I was selfish and couldn't be bothered, but new others who did ( and did not) and made a decision as a couple not to. My son is extremly bright (told that children would be brainy who breasfed). We both fed son from birth (not cos I'm lazy) but cos my partner was keen to take part. My son is now 12 and we all have an awesome relationship and my son is doing great at school. Healthy pregnancy (and vegetarian too). I did not drink or smoke in pregnancy. My son is awesome.

woozywotzy · 10/01/2009 00:06

But that is just it I suppose, as you say your reaction was "why" . You are doubting the final decision this woamn has made, because surely it has to be made on a facts, assuming an ideal decision maker is fully informed, willing to listen and understand the benefits and is fully logical and rational, like you. You see the great thing in life is that you can not always predict, or expect peoples choices and behaviour to be the same as yours and being different, (not better or worse) is good thing I am sure you will agree.

shortcircuit · 10/01/2009 00:47

does anyone that FF's their baby (by choice) actually believe that formula is as good as breast milk ?

There will always be excuses about why mothers didn't chose to bf their babies, excuses like wanted dh/dp to feed them, didn't want to leave out other dc. Didn't have time etc. Would you come out with these excuses if you knew that ff is NOT a good choice ?
If you don't like the idea of feeding your baby, then you can express. Having a baby is bloody hard word & you have to sacrifice yourself for at least the first 6mths. But that's it, feeding wise, 6mths in (hopefully) a lifetime, is it really so bad ?

I bf both DD's for 2 years. DD1 had formula on the odd occasion (was a fan of GF) & I wish I had been better informed at the negative aspects, if I had, I'd never have given it to her. It's revolting stuff. 2nd time round, I was better informed & DD2 hasn't had any.

Blah, I think the reason bf/ff threads are emotive is that gorgegous little babies are being fed crap & it's unnecessary.

ladymariner · 10/01/2009 00:55

And there endeth the first sermon......thankyou shortcircuit

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 10/01/2009 08:10

shortcurcuit - 'Blah, I think the reason bf/ff threads are emotive is that gorgegous little babies are being fed crap & it's unnecessary.'

So for us mums who have NO ALTERNATIVE (and I really didn't or my DS would have starved) - we just have to feed our baby 'crap'.

What a nasty, bloody horrible thing to say.

madmouse · 10/01/2009 08:41

shortcircuit purleeeaese

are you a trol or just here to stir things up anyway?

oneyummymummy · 10/01/2009 09:36

Oh dear shortcircuit its a shame that you feed 'crap' into the minds of other people.

fizzpops · 10/01/2009 09:36

shortcircuit - when you have a baby who doesn't want to be put down and you are on your own it is an absolute nightmare to try and fit in expressing. Trust me I was running backwards and forwards between the breast pump, the fridge and my baby.

The 'emotive' aspects of these threads comes from people voicing their opinions without taking into account the fact that the choice people make to feed their children formula is often no choice at all.

oneyummymummy · 10/01/2009 09:41

""2nd time round, I was better informed & DD2 hasn't had any.""

It really doesn't matter how 'informed' you are, I was fully aware and informed about both. My DD had no choice.

""Blah, I think the reason bf/ff threads are emotive is that gorgegous little babies are being fed crap & it's unnecessary.""

But the point is that sometimes it IS necessary! Are you really that narrow-minded?

ladymariner · 10/01/2009 09:50

I was cross enough last night when I read shortcircuits crappy post, I'm fizzing this morning reading it again

Just the sort of patronising bollocks that I've come to expect whenever bf v ff is discussed. How dare she say that having babies is hard work, does she think we don't know that? The cheek of this troll poster is breathtaking.

tiktok · 10/01/2009 09:51

shortcircuit, if you've read the rest of the thread there have been points in which we discuss the importance of language and tone. You may be angry with yourself for not being as informed first time round as you are now, and you think that gives you permission to use this terminology because you are so cross - but other people are likely to find it offensive.

fizz - your reason for the emotiveness of these threads (because some women ended up ff against their own choices) is only part of the story. Other women choose to formula feed, as we've seen, and some may have no interest in breastfeeding at all, and feel defensive about this when people criticise formula.

My observation is that both groups (the reluctant and the willing formula feeders) sometimes take this defensiveness too far and create armies of imaginary people who are intent on criticising their mothering, who think their babies should starve, and other emotive (yes) fantasies.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 10/01/2009 09:55

tiktok - 'My observation is that both groups (the reluctant and the willing formula feeders) sometimes take this defensiveness too far'

Is that what's happening in response to shortcircuit's post? I don't think it's out of order to get defensive in response to her comments.

EBenes · 10/01/2009 10:05

There is often someone like shortcircuit on these threads, though - how many people are there IRL thinking the same thing or saying the same thing to like-minded friends who are just not unkind/aggressive enough to say it to ff-ers? They're not that imaginary.

tiktok · 10/01/2009 10:13

chocolate - what on earth have I said that would make you think people are taking defensiveness too far in response to shortcircuit? Did you not understand my post of 9:51?

EBenes - there are insensitive people everywhere, and I have seen them on here occasionally, too. I just don't happen to think that people who point out the health impact of infant feeding 'methods', who criticise unethical marketing of formula and so on are telling ff mothers they should let their babies starve.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 10/01/2009 10:17

tiktok - It was the timing of your post, within the aftermath of shortcircuit's nasty comments. We were all getting very defensive (understandably), and then you posted that we sometimes take this too far (incidentally, I actually agree with you to an extent). It sounded as though you were saying it in response to our comments.

AnnVan · 10/01/2009 11:15

I think it's important to bear in mind that women who breastfeed also get criticism for it. So many mums on here have relatives who pressure them to FF etc. I have seen so many posts complaining of that.
My sister was in a cafe with her friend. Both of them bf but while my sister was always happy to bf in public, her friend wasn't, so would bring a bottle of ebm when out and about. Both their babies got hungry, so my sister started feeding her DD, and her friend warmed a bottle and started feeding hers. Two old ladies were nearby - one went into the loo, and the other one came and started having a go at my sister's friend for giving her baby a bottle rather than breastfeeding. She went out the cafe and her friend came out the loos and started having a go at my sister for breastfeeding. Just shows you can't win

tittybangbang · 10/01/2009 11:19

Shortcircuit - you asked a question, and I think the answer to that question is that yes - most people who choose to ff do feel that it's - roughly - equivalent to breastfeeding.

And that belief is bolstered by the fact that as individual mums it's more or less impossible to perceive a difference in the health of the ff and bf babies we know. Most babies appear to thrive very well on formula, and that's a powerfully persuasive argument for most mothers that it's just as good a way to feed babies as breastmilk, especially when so many of them have seen breastfed babies doing badly because of poorly managed breastfeeding.

You can't blame people for seeing ff as the normal way to feed babies. I thought it when I had my first, who was mixed fed for a while. I remember buying my first tin of milk and being really excited about it. Didn't think it smelled or tasted very nice but wasn't bothered by it. I felt the same way about it as I felt about fish food pellets: that's how you feed fish; freeze dried milk is how you feed babies.

My eldest is 9 now and I've spent a lot of time thinking about the food my children eat. Getting quite politicised about it. Now I see formula in the same light as I see other highly processed, artificial food, so I can see where you are coming from when you use the word 'crap'. Wouldn't have used that word here myself though, for the reasons everyone else has fingered.

fizzpops · 10/01/2009 11:21

I agree with you tiktok, I think -as we have seen - that it is also possible for breast feeders to feel defensive about their choice.

The bottom line is, for me anyway, a lot of people do things that I disagree with but I do accept. It is not for me to question their choice.

There is misinformation on both sides of the argument. I heard of one woman whose husband didn't want her to give up breastfeeding as he believed this would mean their baby got 'every bug going'. I don't think anyone who is properly informed about bf believes that it is some kind of magical forcefield which guarantees a child will never catch a cold etc. But with these kinds of beliefs floating around it is not surprising that so many ff mothers feel disapproval whether real or imagined.

Penthesileia · 10/01/2009 11:22

True, AnnVan...

I suppose my concern is as follows...

Let's go with the notion of 'choice': this has been a frequent (if not always uncontroversial) point on this thread. The mother's choice should be respected.

The problem as I see it is this: however crappy a FF mother is made to feel for FF-ing their LO, people having a go at her does not actively undermine her choice and cause her to stop feeding her baby according to the manner she has chosen. She may feel shitty, but her choice to FF is not inhibited by stupid, unkind comments.

On the contrary, all too often, BF-ing mothers are, effectively, forced to give up their choice by families or strangers. Their choice is frequently undermined. How is their 'choice' being respected by society?

So, regardless of how unfair it may seem, or how upset FF-ers may sometimes feel, it is the case that the choice to BF is the more vulnerable one, and the one that does require protection.

(Obviously, FF-ers who unwillingly swapped to FF-ing from BF-ing are likely to be more emotionally vulnerable than those who chose to FF from the get-go. I realise this.)

kingprawnjalfrezi · 10/01/2009 11:40

I'm sort of with shortcircuit on this one - although I might not have put it so harshly. I don't believe we should lie and say ff is as good as bf just to save people's feelings, however if ff is the informed choice that has been made it should be respected. To be quite honest if an educated, loving mother chooses to formula feed in full reciept of the evidence regarding the advantages of breastfeeding then nothing anyone says is really going to make any difference. Also anectdotal accounts of how ff children have grown up to be fine and healthy (and thin and brainy) aren't really helpful either. They were lucky!