How to get over formula guilt?

[Betnee]

This will probably be quite long.

Me and my husband have a baby boy 'TJ' who is just over 2 months. He is our first and only child at this time.

I had nothing against those who formula-fed their children, but I wanted to breastfeed as I wanted to experience it as I have only known women who breastfed. From the moment I gave birth to him it was a struggle to breastfeed (for me and him). I had to ask for help several times in the hospital as we were struggling to feed. They kept telling me it would get easier, but it never did.

I attended lactation classes and spoke with HV (Health Visitors) about how it was difficult and I tried different feeling positions cradle, football, side-lying, and laid-back nursing with others helping me get into position, but it made no difference. It was mentally and physically painful for me and I felt like TJ was suffering as a result, which I hated feeling.

One HV suggested expressing and I tried 2 different machines. They suggested giving him what I could get from me and top it up with formula afterwards, which I tried, but I couldn't even get to 30mls and I was trying day and night. Massaging did nothing to help me.

We thought stress might be the cause, so my husband tried to relieve any stress like childcare and household care (my husband helped me before all of this and is a equal partner), so I could relax and focus on expressing, but it didn't work.

My nipples were becoming so sore/cracked and I don't know how many nights I spent crying due to the pain and the feeling of failure as a mum. It felt like I was trying for hours every time with no success. Because of how I was feeling, we made the decision to stick with just formula and since then TJ seemed to be thriving.

My doctor, HV and midwife have said he is growing nicely. I have had some people I know and strangers compliment on his weight (saying he looks well-fed and healthy), how alert he is, how good he is at tummy time and how well he looks at people's faces, which made me feel good because I thought we were doing a good job and honestly I thought I was getting over not breastfeeding as he seemed to be doing well.

I attended my dad's birthday party the other day (him and my mum are divorced, so it was just my dad's family, me and my sister and his grandchildren who were there). My sister is older and has 4 children who she breastfed. TJ was getting hungry so my husband went and fed him his bottle. My sister said that her and our mum were talking the other day and don't understand why I'm formula feeding (I had told them about the struggles I was having previously) as my son was going to have so many problems as he gets older because he won't get the nutrients and he'll most likely be mentally delayed in things. She said how she breastfed all her children and I couldn't even feed one and our mum breastfed 2 children with no problems. She also said how it was natural and that she didn't need to use a pump to get milk out.

I was getting upset so I went to the bathroom. I had bumped into my aunt (my dad's sister) and she asked what was wrong. I didn't say anything at first, but she was persistent and I eventually told her as I was getting more upset.She was p*d and said not to listen to my sister as she likes to cause trouble (a bit of a s*t stirrer). My husband had messaged me during this time and asked where I was and I replied that I was with my aunt and I would rejoin him soon. After I was calmer, me and my aunt rejoined the party. Me, my husband and TJ left not too long after. When we got home he asked what happened and I explained what my sister had said. He was furious and wanted to say something to her and my mum, but I told him not to as I didn't have the energy for it.

I just keep feeling guilty about formula feeding and although my husband keeps reassuring me that TJ is well and doing great, I just can't move on. He has also mentioned how although my sister breastfed her children, they are not the healthiest and always catching cold, stomach bugs etc and have weak immune systems as it is, so she isn't one to judge.

The thing is I know my sister is right. Breast milk is better and I should be giving him that, but I just can't physically do it and I don't know how to get rid of this guilt.

Your sister is an idiot.

Your sister sounds like a bit of a cow. You’re doing your best - it’s sad when you have to stop doing something that’s important to you, so no wonder you have difficult feelings about it all. I would avoid your sister as much as possible.

You commented how your baby is thriving, is happy and is doing well. That is the main point.

no wonder your dh and aunt are angry, your sister and mum are inconsiderate people.

The very, very best thing you can do for yourself and your baby is work on seeing this in a positive way. You wanted to breastfeed and you went to hell and back trying. What a flipping warrior of a mum you are. It didn't work out, as it doesn't for many, many mums. Nowt wrong with formula but you didn't have a choice anyway. You are holding onto hot coals by beating yourself up over this. I.e. only hurting yourself.

Be proud of yourself and enjoy your baby.

Don't worry at all. I did my level best to BF with DD1. It was semi-successful. She is a healthy 18yr old today.

The best thing I did was go to a post-natal group where it turned out that for all these nice ladies, BF just wasn't working. We were all on partial formula. And, ya know what? All them babies is amazing now at 18yrs old!!!

What a horrible thing for your sister to say. I'm so sorry you had to hear that. Two months is still such early days - everything feels monumental and overwhelming. It sounds like you're doing amazingly. Your baby will be benefiting from having mum around when you've got the capacity to interact and be present. Breastfeeding is so far from the only thing that impacts a baby's development.

And so important to remember - you matter too! You are allowed to make decisions to look after yourself. It's natural to be disappointed and even feel grief that a decision was taken out of your hands. Please be kind to yourself.

Your sister is being really unnecessarily nasty and what she’s saying isn’t even
true! You tried your best, you’re feeding your baby. What barely anyone admits in advance is that successful BFing is more to do with luck than anything you can do. Which isn’t acknowledged by BFing promotion. Some women put all the effort into it in the world and it still doesn’t work. Historically it never has for all women/babies, but it’s only been in the last few decades that we’ve had access to a lifesaving, safe alternative.

Have a read of Emily Oster’s “Cribsheet” which takes a look at a lot of the research into baby rearing, assesses its quality and what it’s really saying. BFing makes little difference to a term baby in a developed country. Your sister has convinced herself otherwise because she needs to feel the effort she put in was worth it. BFing only makes a difference health-wise to very premature babies (this is why NICU’s provide donated milk) or in situations without easy access to formula, sterilisation equipment and clean water (like a war zone!).

My baby was combi-fed. I’m a low supplier and was never going to be able to provide enough. I was surrounded by EBF babies after mine was born, many of those have gone on to develop asthma, eczema, have many colds and diarrhoea, ok but not brilliant performance at school. It’s more about genetics than the milk.

Your sister is awful. This has really rankled me on your behalf.

I was you and had the best most supportive friends and family. If anyone said what she did I would have been inconsolable.

i combi fed in the end because we just weren’t good at breast feeding together. 9 months down the line and there’s 0 difference between my baby and EBF ones in our groups in terms of development and I imagine it will stay that way. I’ve also given up breastfeeding completely and feel much better about it!

wow, your sister is either a complete bitch or has unresolved issues! I breastfed all of my children and the first one almost broke me. I couldn’t stop though as dc was a bottle refuser (we tried everything). My sister had a lot to say about how I fed my children (breast feeding was easy for her then she moved on to bottles pretty easily too) and at such a vulnerable time in my life it really cut me.

Please look at your beautiful, healthy, happy and thriving child and congratulate yourself on a job well done. Remind yourself you made the best choice for your family and your sister is likely projecting her feelings about her situation rather than contributing any meaningful support or advice relevant to you. Line up 20 people and I wonder if you could pick out who was bf and who was ff - there are so many factors that determine who we turn out to be!

Honestly how we feed our babies can feel so personal, so stressful and so defining of us as mothers but it’s just one of many phases of parenthood - all encompassing at the time but will be put in perspective as time passes.

It is much, much easier said than done but forget your sister. Focus on your child and how well he is doing. Feeding is only one part of everything that is contributing to him thriving.

There will be other things on the future that you won't be able to do the way you want and it's probably cold comfort now, but you'll wonder why you expended so much energy and guilt on it. You've not been able to go with Plan A despite all your very best efforts - and those efforts were enough - so you've went with something else that's also a good option and your baby has benefited from it.

And when he's in school and playing with his friends nobody, including you, will know who was breast fed and who was formula fed and what difference it has made either way.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. Your main job as a mother is to do what’s best for your baby and you said it yourself - he’s thriving!

You chose the path that is right for your baby at this time - that’s what I call being a fantastic mum! Don’t waste another moment feeling guilty. Enjoy your baby.

Your sister is awful - please don't let her skew your perception of what a wonderful mum you are already, and how well your baby is doing. Also, please don't think all mums who continue breastfeeding will have this attitude. I breastfed both of mine and I can't imagine having such a weird and horrid attitude to someone formula feeding (for whatever reason they are - it wouldn't even occur to me to care/ask). Most of my friends formula fed / combi fed and their children are... Exactly the same as mine? I'd say mine possibly get ill more often though, but maybe that's just how it feels 😄

My 2 DC were exclusively bottle fed. They are never ill and both achieved excellent exam results, and are in good jobs!

Also, it meant my DH did the night time feeds for a solid six weeks before he returned to work. That was a god send and allowed me to recover.

My MIL was critical but my DH soon shut her down!

Your sister is a dick, I did 4 days with my eldest and half a day with my second. It set my teeth on edge and made me feel sick so I thought bollocks to that, a happy baby is a FED baby, doesn’t matter where it is coming from.
if it helps, the eldest is now 18, 6ft 3, got 6’s in his GCSE’s and had no health issues, the youngest is 15, predicted 7,8 & 9’s in his GCSE’s and is currently 6ft with no health issues

Your sister is a bitch. Yes, there are advantages to breastfeeding, but in the western world with easy access to clean water, formula powder, and sterilisation facilities, the differences are not big enough to be worth driving the mum nuts over, in a spiral of post natal depression and despair. You tried, you gave it a good shot, but it wasn’t working. The whole point is to end up with a happy healthy mum and baby, and that includes mum’s mental health.

Guilt is normal, many mothers feel guilty about umpteen things all the time, even when there's nothing to feel guilty about.

I found the best way to get over the formula guilt was to find the next thing to feel guilty about and that took my mind off it!

Seriously, your sister really is a dick.

Both my sons were formula fed- not by choice but I was/am on medication that passes through the milk.

They are now healthy teens. You are being a good mother by feeding your baby and tending to it's needs no matter "how" it's done. Just grey rock your sister and focus on your baby.❤️

I wasn’t able to breastfeed my kids and I really wanted to. I was at the Gp’s and was getting upset and my GP said, as long as your baby is happy and healthy that should be your focus not how they are being fed. And she was right. Hasn’t affected my kids now 27 and 21 years old. Do what’s right for the baby and ignore everyone else’s judgements. It will be a distant memory and no one will remember how you fed your baby.

I couldn't breastfeed my first, not for lack of trying! Had slow milk coming in, flat nipples etc. He was so incredibly fussy and angry when trying to latch I think he developed a negative association with it.

With my second, we bought formula to the hospital, but the little tiger just latched on straight away! You can never assume each baby will be the same.

My personal experience has led me to be much more open minded, unfortunately some people just can't see past their own straightforward BF experience and feel like they can judge others.

You might get something out of this?

https://professoramybrown.co.uk/breastfeeding-grief

Your sister's comments were cruel, unnecessary and incorrect. The nutrients in formula are very tightly controlled so that they ARE enough for babies. Please don't think for a second you have done anything less than the best for your LO. It sounds like he's doing brilliantly and thriving.

You've been through a hell of a time. It's OK to be sad about feeding not working out how you liked. Guilt? You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. Your sister is the one who should feel guilty for saying something so nasty.

Go back 300 years if you couldn't do it you'd of got in a wet nurse! Formula has replaced wet nurses.

Don't feel guilty, you have nothing to be guilty about.
3 kids here.
Couldn't with first due to medicine I was put on after a traumatic birth.
second tried, it hurt, she cried all the time, it was painful, she cried. Gave her a bottle = happy baby, and a less stressed me.
Didn't entertain trying with third.

PS your sister is a idiot. Her body her choice your body your choice.

TJ will be fine, he is wanted and loved. Babies need food and love it doesn't matter where the food comes from.
Hugs OP

I would have bern tempted to tell her that the only ‘mentally delayed’ person is her. She is spouting rubbish.

Honestly, just enjoy your lovely baby. I only BF my dc1 for 2 weeks, dc2 for 4 but struggled with it; I actually hated it. My lovely community midwife helped me to admit that I hated it and switch to formula. Everything around you when you have s baby makes you feel guilty for FF. My son’s now 18 & 20 are tall, handsome, clever lads and most definitely not ‘mentally delayed.’

OP it sounds like your sister is being an absolute cow and doesn't have her facts straight.

Honestly, by the time they get to school no one will know or care how your child was fed as a baby. Time will heal your feelings of guilt as you see your child grow and thrive.

Well, your sister isn’t exactly a shining example of the benefits of breastfeeding is she if she’s such an idiot?

I BF for 5 days, hated it and switched to FF. DS is nearly 6 and is happy, healthy and scarily intelligent. I have no idea how his friends were fed when they were babies because, once you’re out of that shitty feeding bubble, nobody knows or cares at all.

I didn’t manage to BF my son. After several weeks of trying everything, taking all the advice and crying every day (with my poor baby just losing weight), my Dad bought me some formula and just said “you need to feed that baby”. He, and I, never looked back and with hindsight I am really angry with all the health professionals who kept insisting that breastfeeding is the only way.
I am a teacher and have worked with a lot of educational psychologists, who come to investigate when a parent or school is worried about any aspect of a child’s development. They always start by asking the parents lots of questions about things which could have affected the child, including how the pregnancy went, whether there were any birth difficulties and how the child’s very early months were. In all my years I have never heard an ed psych ask whether or not a child was breast fed. If it was such an important thing, they’d ask.
If your baby is fed and healthy, and loved by a parent who is able to care for their own needs as well as the child’s, they will do fine.