How to get over formula guilt?

[Betnee]

This will probably be quite long.

Me and my husband have a baby boy 'TJ' who is just over 2 months. He is our first and only child at this time.

I had nothing against those who formula-fed their children, but I wanted to breastfeed as I wanted to experience it as I have only known women who breastfed. From the moment I gave birth to him it was a struggle to breastfeed (for me and him). I had to ask for help several times in the hospital as we were struggling to feed. They kept telling me it would get easier, but it never did.

I attended lactation classes and spoke with HV (Health Visitors) about how it was difficult and I tried different feeling positions cradle, football, side-lying, and laid-back nursing with others helping me get into position, but it made no difference. It was mentally and physically painful for me and I felt like TJ was suffering as a result, which I hated feeling.

One HV suggested expressing and I tried 2 different machines. They suggested giving him what I could get from me and top it up with formula afterwards, which I tried, but I couldn't even get to 30mls and I was trying day and night. Massaging did nothing to help me.

We thought stress might be the cause, so my husband tried to relieve any stress like childcare and household care (my husband helped me before all of this and is a equal partner), so I could relax and focus on expressing, but it didn't work.

My nipples were becoming so sore/cracked and I don't know how many nights I spent crying due to the pain and the feeling of failure as a mum. It felt like I was trying for hours every time with no success. Because of how I was feeling, we made the decision to stick with just formula and since then TJ seemed to be thriving.

My doctor, HV and midwife have said he is growing nicely. I have had some people I know and strangers compliment on his weight (saying he looks well-fed and healthy), how alert he is, how good he is at tummy time and how well he looks at people's faces, which made me feel good because I thought we were doing a good job and honestly I thought I was getting over not breastfeeding as he seemed to be doing well.

I attended my dad's birthday party the other day (him and my mum are divorced, so it was just my dad's family, me and my sister and his grandchildren who were there). My sister is older and has 4 children who she breastfed. TJ was getting hungry so my husband went and fed him his bottle. My sister said that her and our mum were talking the other day and don't understand why I'm formula feeding (I had told them about the struggles I was having previously) as my son was going to have so many problems as he gets older because he won't get the nutrients and he'll most likely be mentally delayed in things. She said how she breastfed all her children and I couldn't even feed one and our mum breastfed 2 children with no problems. She also said how it was natural and that she didn't need to use a pump to get milk out.

I was getting upset so I went to the bathroom. I had bumped into my aunt (my dad's sister) and she asked what was wrong. I didn't say anything at first, but she was persistent and I eventually told her as I was getting more upset.She was p*d and said not to listen to my sister as she likes to cause trouble (a bit of a s*t stirrer). My husband had messaged me during this time and asked where I was and I replied that I was with my aunt and I would rejoin him soon. After I was calmer, me and my aunt rejoined the party. Me, my husband and TJ left not too long after. When we got home he asked what happened and I explained what my sister had said. He was furious and wanted to say something to her and my mum, but I told him not to as I didn't have the energy for it.

I just keep feeling guilty about formula feeding and although my husband keeps reassuring me that TJ is well and doing great, I just can't move on. He has also mentioned how although my sister breastfed her children, they are not the healthiest and always catching cold, stomach bugs etc and have weak immune systems as it is, so she isn't one to judge.

The thing is I know my sister is right. Breast milk is better and I should be giving him that, but I just can't physically do it and I don't know how to get rid of this guilt.

”he'll most likely be mentally delayed in things” - you must be kidding me! Would your sister be able to pick out the bottle fed babies and breast fed babies if a group of 5 years olds were in front of her?! I doubt it! My goodness don’t listen to that!
“she said how she breastfed all her children and I couldn't even feed one and our mum breastfed 2 children with no problems. She also said how it was natural and that she didn't need to use a pump to get milk out.” Well good for her! My goodness these comments are horrible!! I’ve had three children. My first I did everything to try and breastfeed but it just didn’t work. My second, I was hell bent on making it work, I stayed in hospital for 6 days post birth trying to get it to work! Every midwife and lactation consultant came to see me, I had a midwife trying to get the milk out of me by hand, different pumps, nothing! I kept trying, but no, it never worked. Both of my children got jaundice as a result of lack of feeding and were back in hospital! My third, my midwife and I had a breastfeeding plan weeks before my due date, we were going to harvest colostrum before birth, we got nothing, and you guessed it, baby was born and no matter what I did, breastfeeding didn’t happen. Sorry for the long message but I just felt so enraged on your behalf. I’ve tried three times and put everything in to it, and it’s never worked for me. I’ve even had my MIL trying to massage the milk out of me, that’s the depths I went to! You’ve done your best, but it wasn’t the card we were dealt. It’s not your fault at all. The absolutely best you can do right now is bottle feed. There’s no other option. Unfortunately I do think breastfeeding unfairly is easier for some people and it’s really sad when you try so so hard to make it work and it just doesn’t. But please don’t spend years carrying this weight around. You tried your best, you did everything you could. I think it might be worth sending a message to your mum and sister. Detail how you’ve done everything you can, and you don’t wish to speak of it again. I’m sorry you didn’t get the BF journey either. But move forward with peace that you did try your very best xx

My god, people are tone deaf aren’t they. The decision needed to be made. Your baby has to be fed! You did the right thing. No teacher can look round a room and point to the ones that were breastfed.

I’d try to prepare things to respond to your sister/mum next time they bring this up. Something along the lines of “would you prefer my baby starve?” or a simple “mind your fucking business”.

Your sister is a dick. So is your mum for not shutting down the conversation.

Time helps. I started to feel less guilty as breastfeeding mums were still getting up in the night and feeding back to sleep. I don’t feel any guilt now 4 years later. I fed my child. I did so in a way that meant I didn’t destroy my mental health in the process because you know what? I matter too. And my baby benefitted infinitely more from having a happy, healthy mum than being breastfed.

You’ve made a decision against what you desperately wanted because it was the best decision for your son and he is thriving. You’ve put your personal feelings aside for your son and he is doing so well because of that. You’re doing great.

You seriously can't tell who was ff and bf. My bf kids are often sick, have allergies, asthma etc. My ff nieces are so hardy, they are never sick. The important thing is to feed the baby.

You sister is an uninformed idiot!

DT’s only ever had formula - my choice. 100% healthy.

Healthy and happy babies = happy parents.

TJ sounds to be doing well! You’re doing a grand job if he’s thriving.

Please ignore all the rubbish that you’re hearing. Fed is best. DD was bottle fed, I don’t think I’d ever have made enough for her. She and everyone else are none the wiser. It’s no one else’s business anyway!

@Betnee

Your sister sounds deranged.

hth.

I completely feel your pain on being unable to breast feed, I was exactly the same. My kids are now 7, and I honestly couldn’t tell you which of their mates were breast or bottle fed! I look back now and can’t believe I tortured myself so horrifically over something I couldn’t control, it honestly boggles my mind. You’re doing your absolute best by your baby, and in all honesty I don’t think it makes a jot of difference - both breast and bottle fed babies will be shoving mud in their mouths soon enough!

Your sister sounds awful.
I wasn't able to breastfeed as I never produced any milk. I remember feeling dreadful about and sometimes overwhelmed by feelings of guilt. However, my child thrived on formula and has grown up into a very smart, fit and healthy adult.
You're doing your best for your child and that's what is important.

Your sister is NOT right. Take no notice of her. She would have hated me. I lasted 4 days with trying to breastfeed my first baby and honestly wished I had never let myself be persuaded to try it. I hadn't wanted to in the first place. I should have just stuck to my guns and formula fed. My next two were exclusively formula fed right from the word go.

Your baby needs to be fed properly and you are feeding him properly. End of story. Formula is a perfectly legitimate, nutritious and valid way to feed a baby.

You do what works best for you and your baby. Pay no attention to a judgy pants like your sister.

IGT mum here.

Your sister is an absolute dick, and you should let your husband tear her a new one if she starts that crap again. Being desperate to and failing to BF is incredibly painful and very sadly, is often loaded with judgement from both complete strangers, and family members who should bloody know better but can’t help sticking their oar in.

I’ve been there, twice. I know how hard it is. You are doing great. I promise time will make things easier and in few years you’ll barely think of it at all. You sound like a fab mum, and you are enough ❤️

HV here.

Your sister was really nasty.

Breastfeeding is great if it works and both mum and baby are happy with it. When it doesn’t work (or it makes mums miserable, gives them the ick, whatever) formula is great. Babies just want feeding. They want a loving connection with a stable parent. They want eye contact, skin to skin contact, cuddles, attention and affection. Breast vs. Bottle has very little (if any) measurable impact on an individual level.

FWIW I did breastfeed my babies BUT if it had been at all difficult, I would have formula fed in a heartbeat. I breastfed because I’m lazy and it was easier for me than washing, sterilising etc. If it hadn’t have been the easier option, I wouldn’t have done it.

What awful excuses they are of a sister and mother. Honestly, what they said to you was cruel, unnecessary and most of all untrue.

I didn’t manage to breastfeed my 1st for similar reasons and I felt so guilty and heartbroken. He’s 6 now- tall for his age, ahead in school, rarely sick. You couldn’t tell how any of his classmates were fed. It’s like saying the child in the class who walked first is most likely to become an Olympic athlete, it’s simply not true.

I’m now breastfeeding my 2nd baby who is 7 weeks old and it has been so challenging again, but I had an easier birth this time and she latched better from the start so we’re managing.

I’ll be honest, my mental health was much better with my 1st child because I changed to formula. Breastfeeding is great, but it’s not always the best option if it’s going to ruin the mother in the process. It also sounds like you had some supply issues so providing formula really was in your baby’s best interest. You reached for support in all the right places, there wasn’t much more you could do. It’s best that your baby gets his nutrients rather than starve him trying to achieve breastfeeding.

Your sister knew it would hurt you. She wanted to upset you. She's a bitch and I'd stay well away from her.

My firstborn (son) wouldn’t breastfeed and I was so upset as this was the great breast is best revival in 80s. Wasn’t allowed to leave maternity hospital until he was feeding properly so I had no choice but to bottle feed. Fortunately my mum was VERY SUPPORTIVE. When my daughter was born she was a big baby and hungry all the time. I didn’t hesitate in bottle feeding her. Both of them thrived. Don't feel bad. Enjoy your baby and ignore the self-righteous stirrers.

I’m here for solidarity for formula! First baby hated the effort she had to put into feeding, hated being held to feed, she wanted loads of milk in the fastest time possible whilst laid flat. Gave her formula at 5 days old at 4am after no sleep and she was so satisfied. Did combi feeding for 10 weeks but she slept through from 8 weeks and I was still getting up during the night to express. Stopped it as still hurting me and she had no preference of which milk she got.

Second baby loved breastfeeding, he was such a mummy’s boy but my god the pain was like nothing I have felt before, I have joint issues that flare with hormonal changes. I tried for 6 weeks to exclusively feed but I was in agony all the time. Couldn’t bear wearing clothes or stepping out into cold weather. Started Kendamil formula and he shot up from 50th centile to 98th within a few weeks. He’s still there now at 2! He started sleeping through not long after that too.

Just remember, nobody puts on their CV they were breastfed, nobody declares it in interviews that they are exceptional at their job because they were breastfed. Think how many people you know with babies, are all the formula fed ones in hospital because they have terrible immune systems. No they are not. A fed baby is a happy baby and a happy baby is happy mum and vice versa. You just do whatever it is that makes life more manageable as newborns are hard enough as it is, you want to look back on this time with fondness x

No no no! Breast is not better! FED and happy and loved is better!!

@Betnee I breastfed my son, and fully intended to breastfeed my daughter, however she was born with a cleft palate and couldn't suck from me. I tried to express, but cleft nurses encouraged me to try formula as I had a 4 year old and really couldn't spend hours pumping and trying to feed dd. Anyway, I was wracked with guilt but listened to advice and embraced formula (aptamil). They're 18 and 14 now, my son has always had more bugs and viruses than dd - she's rarely ill. We also have a lovely close bond. Best of luck with your little one xx

Nothing to feel guilty about. It doesn’t make a difference in the end. If medical professionals tell you that your child is thriving that’s the only opinion that matters. I’ve seen some women obsess with breast feeding with insufficient milk or giving themselves MH issues in the process with some babies being malnourished due to their egos and obsession that they must BF at all costs. For some women it works and children thrive, great. For some women formula works for their babies and they thrive. You say you know breast is best and feel it is healthier etc - what do you think the differences will be now in the future because your baby isn’t breastfed? I assure you, it’s not going to make a difference. Fed is best.

How to stop feeling guilty? Easy my lovely, go and have a cuddle with TJ and see how happy and healthy he is and ignore dickheads like your sister. Fed is best.

My milk never came in with both of mine so I always say they got the good stuff (colostrum) and I got ruined boobs!! I'd not be bothered about the ruined boobs if I could have fed the babies but nope didn't happen and still got the ruined boobs!! More importantly they are not mentally delayed what utter bullshit! My 5yr old has taught himself sign language, reads at the level of a 10yr old etc breast milk or formula milk has fuck all to do with that!

Yeah breastfeeding has been around as long as humans have but until formula was invented then lots of babies failed to thrive as breastfeeding doesn't come naturally to some women and even if it does thank goodness we now have a choice. You tried, you really really tried but your boobs wouldn't play ball, that's not your fault, it's not anyone's fault and it doesn't mean IF you decide to have another child that the same will happen again. What WILL happen again IF you have another baby is that baby will also be loved, fed, happy, thriving just like wee TJ is.

Now please @Betnee go read my first sentence again x

Your baby is thriving.
Your sister is a bitch.
End of.

My TJ is now 23. I was planning to be Mother Earth but nature had other plans. TJ was a big hungry baby; my milk never came through so after 5 days of him screaming and losing over 2 pounds in weight we switched to bottles and never looked back. He was hardly ever ill; sleeps through the night from 6 weeks and is now a stunning 6”’7” young man. Motherhood is filled with guilt; do what is right for you- your baby will benefit from it in long term. ❤️

I had a similar experience to you - I did everything I could to BF my first son for the first month but he didn’t even regain his birth weight and although the HV was saying BF was going well, it so obviously wasn’t! It was when I saw a lactation lady who did a weighed feed who told me ‘fed is best’ and that I couldn’t do anymore than I’d done l, I felt the guilt lift and I got on with formula and oh my god the difference! Happy and full baby and such a weight of my shoulders - it was like I’d been given permission to stop busting a gut trying to do something that just wasn't working. IME people are weird about feeding (and parenting generally) because they want to feel validated about their own choice but you’ve given BF your best shot, it’s not working and doesn’t for everyone, so get a Tommee Tippee machine, embrace the formula and don’t feel bad. It doesn’t really make any difference to the babies, as someone else said, read the Emily Oster book Cribsheet about it. Ignore your idiot sister, just smile and nod and do what’s best for you and the baby.

I tried to bf my Dd with no success, not a drop even with a pump, at day 3 I told Midwife I wanted to formula feed because Dd must be dehydrated and hungry, I gave her a bottle and she immediately opened her eyes for the first time since birth and 'woke up'. She must have been starving, poor mite. She thrived and never looked back, rather than developmental.problems she was way ahead of many of her peers, both physically and in terms of education. You are doing so well with a thriving baby, well done you for figuring it out 🥰

Did you have a c-section OP?