How to get over formula guilt?

[Betnee]

This will probably be quite long.

Me and my husband have a baby boy 'TJ' who is just over 2 months. He is our first and only child at this time.

I had nothing against those who formula-fed their children, but I wanted to breastfeed as I wanted to experience it as I have only known women who breastfed. From the moment I gave birth to him it was a struggle to breastfeed (for me and him). I had to ask for help several times in the hospital as we were struggling to feed. They kept telling me it would get easier, but it never did.

I attended lactation classes and spoke with HV (Health Visitors) about how it was difficult and I tried different feeling positions cradle, football, side-lying, and laid-back nursing with others helping me get into position, but it made no difference. It was mentally and physically painful for me and I felt like TJ was suffering as a result, which I hated feeling.

One HV suggested expressing and I tried 2 different machines. They suggested giving him what I could get from me and top it up with formula afterwards, which I tried, but I couldn't even get to 30mls and I was trying day and night. Massaging did nothing to help me.

We thought stress might be the cause, so my husband tried to relieve any stress like childcare and household care (my husband helped me before all of this and is a equal partner), so I could relax and focus on expressing, but it didn't work.

My nipples were becoming so sore/cracked and I don't know how many nights I spent crying due to the pain and the feeling of failure as a mum. It felt like I was trying for hours every time with no success. Because of how I was feeling, we made the decision to stick with just formula and since then TJ seemed to be thriving.

My doctor, HV and midwife have said he is growing nicely. I have had some people I know and strangers compliment on his weight (saying he looks well-fed and healthy), how alert he is, how good he is at tummy time and how well he looks at people's faces, which made me feel good because I thought we were doing a good job and honestly I thought I was getting over not breastfeeding as he seemed to be doing well.

I attended my dad's birthday party the other day (him and my mum are divorced, so it was just my dad's family, me and my sister and his grandchildren who were there). My sister is older and has 4 children who she breastfed. TJ was getting hungry so my husband went and fed him his bottle. My sister said that her and our mum were talking the other day and don't understand why I'm formula feeding (I had told them about the struggles I was having previously) as my son was going to have so many problems as he gets older because he won't get the nutrients and he'll most likely be mentally delayed in things. She said how she breastfed all her children and I couldn't even feed one and our mum breastfed 2 children with no problems. She also said how it was natural and that she didn't need to use a pump to get milk out.

I was getting upset so I went to the bathroom. I had bumped into my aunt (my dad's sister) and she asked what was wrong. I didn't say anything at first, but she was persistent and I eventually told her as I was getting more upset.She was p*d and said not to listen to my sister as she likes to cause trouble (a bit of a s*t stirrer). My husband had messaged me during this time and asked where I was and I replied that I was with my aunt and I would rejoin him soon. After I was calmer, me and my aunt rejoined the party. Me, my husband and TJ left not too long after. When we got home he asked what happened and I explained what my sister had said. He was furious and wanted to say something to her and my mum, but I told him not to as I didn't have the energy for it.

I just keep feeling guilty about formula feeding and although my husband keeps reassuring me that TJ is well and doing great, I just can't move on. He has also mentioned how although my sister breastfed her children, they are not the healthiest and always catching cold, stomach bugs etc and have weak immune systems as it is, so she isn't one to judge.

The thing is I know my sister is right. Breast milk is better and I should be giving him that, but I just can't physically do it and I don't know how to get rid of this guilt.

Please know that none of this will matter to you in a few years. It feels massive and like the most important thing, but it really is nothing in the great scheme of your child’s life. You don’t need to validate that decision with a long list of reasons as to why you ended up formula feeding.
I say this from personal experience - my first was formula fed and I made myself feel terrible and wasted so much time being mean to myself. It’s sad because really your baby just thinks the world of you and this is all a huge distraction from enjoying the time whilst they are tiny.
Also, if it helps to see it from the other side, I breast fed my second (because it just miraculously worked that time) and I used to get comments about doing it for way too long….you will never win the court of public opinion, settle on pleasing yourself and validating your own choices. I have an amazing 7 year old and 4 year old and my only slight regret is that I wasted time worrying about what other people thought of my choices. I no longer care, because everyone is just trying their best and that looks different for every parent.

Your sister trying to make herself feel superior is another issue in itself, that will take time to heal from and one you might want to revisit with her when you have the energy to do so.

Op you are comparing homemade chips to store brought chips. Both are chips and both are acceptable ways to feed your child. Yes the homemade ones are slightly better that doesn’t mean store brought is awful and your child won’t thrive. Sometimes we feed kids store brought chips because we are frazzled, burnt out from the day. If the mum is mentally happier then formula can be the overall best option.

Im a massive BF advocate if it’s what the mother wants. I’m sorry you have been let down by the community who should have supported you more. You did nothing wrong, you tried so hard (I’m not sure what you could have done more).

Your sister is very uneducated and being horrible. Unfortunately this might not be the last comment. So you need to practice how you are going to react.

No teacher can tell how a baby was fed, breast or formula. But you know what they can tell, if you read to your child every day

I knew from the start I would not be breastfeeding. Carry a baby for 9 months and then not have the dad do his share?? No chance! It meant I could share night feeds, give baby to whoever wanted to feed them - all great bonding for dad and relatives. My children are normal, healthy, completely on track developmentally. I genuinely struggle to understand why people breastfeed at all. All that extra work for yourself! Share the load and ditch the guilt!

I had similar problems to you, and I just couldn’t produce enough breast milk, so I empathise. I had my daughter by Caesarean section, as I was in hospital with pre-eclampsia, so it was a difficult time all round. My daughter was in intensive care baby ward for a while. I had to switch to formula in the end, and I was very upset.

I remember one of the lovely maternity nurses saying to me that I tried my best, and that I should not feel guilty, then she added, and when she’s a teenager and having a strop with you, I can guarantee she won’t say, “and I was never breast fed!” Which made me laugh and realise that sometimes, it’s just not possible for some of we women to breast feed our babies, and it’s nothing to beat ourselves up about!

First post nails it.

When you feel bad look at people on the street and ask yourself if you can pick out the breastfed ones...

Spoiler alert: you can't

The streets are full of mentally delayed formula fed babies 👶🏼

I am so sorry you've had to listen to those awful comments. Yes, we all know breast has some more benefits, however, not if it affects mums health mentally or physically or if something else has am impact we cant control. There are lots of reasons why formula is chosen by hundreds of mums every single day- me being one of them. My baby is so happy, intelligent and ahead in many ways and perfectly healthy.

Take no notice and take pride in how much an of amazing mum you are as you watch your little one grow.

You are not a failure in any way. Lots of us mums, myself included, struggle with breast feeding. Also, lots of babies struggle too. You are doing your best for your baby, and your DH is also doing his best for you and your baby.

Ignore your sister’s comments and if she repeats this I would say -oh, good for you, my baby is thriving, thank you. Then change the subject.

@Betnee from.another who didn't manage to breast feed our first born. He grew up just fine and went to Oxford and then got a PhD from Cambridge.

He has no recollection of being fed formula, he remembers his favourite dinners and being loved unconditionally, getting his first Try and having his first kiss.

Fast forward many years and your sister's children will have a significant disadvantage. Their mother is a bitch and a nasty one at that.

Enjoy your baby who you are feeding well and enjoy not being in pain. Treat yourself with a large G&T which you couldn't have if yiu were breast feeding.

Please don’t worry about this and spoil the precious time you are having now with your baby. Don’t listen to your sister and mother, listen to your aunt. I struggled to breast feed like you and changed to formula feeding by 6 weeks old. Just couldn’t stand the struggle and the pain any longer. No ill effects for my daughter. She is now 25 and happy and healthy. Rarely gets colds or other illnesses so has a fantastic immune system.

I had the same struggle with my second baby but it eventually worked and I breast fed him for 8 months. Also happy and healthy. We just do our best and that’s all you can do. Don’t take it to heart. Enjoy bonding with your baby and get on with doing things your own way.

Mum guilt is something you need to get used to. Ultimately, you will feel like the worse half the time if you are a good mum…and the rest of the time working hard to just about do it. I think, there is joy in that. That knowing we all do our best and that no one on earth is doing that for each single of our babe makes us great. Who else would be ok to feel bad to try and do good?

So. Repeat after me. You are doing great. You are enough. Whatever you do is the best. Your babe loves you.

Your sister is not right. Formula is nutritious and complete. Stop beating yourself up.

Your sister is awful @Betnee

I completely understand why you feel this way. I had very similar feelings when I had my ds. It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be able to feed him by myself. And then he arrived and things just didn’t work out that way.

By the time he was 3 weeks old, I was on my knees and I started giving him some formula. He took to it straight away.

I had many discussions with many people. One conversation stopped me in my tracks. My DH’s grandmother told me that it has never been the case that all women could breastfeed. Before formula, wealthy women gave their babies to wet nurses who would breastfeed for them. Poor women who couldn’t breastfeed…their babies didn’t make it. Thank goodness for formula.

My ds is now a strapping, 6 foot 17 year old. Sporty, doing well at school, preparing to apply to uni.

Enjoy your baby. Distance yourself from your sister.

OP, I am so sorry to hear this. Formula guilt is incredibly difficult. I really struggled to breastfeed both my daughters, coping with bleeding nipples and crying through it for 4 weeks for each of them. I hired lactation consultants, tried literally everything, and both of them lost huge amounts of weight. In the end formula was the only option for them and for my mental health. It sounds like you were in the same place. How dare anyone make you feel guilty for making what was obviously the only and right decision to make. I promise the guilt does eventually go and you stop feeling the need to justify your decision. The most important thing is that you have a good relationship with your child- and struggling through terrible pain to feed them is not going to help with that. I also promise that formula feeding is not going to have any longer term ramifications apart from maintaining your sanity and ensuring your child is fed. Both my teenage daughters are tall, beautiful, clever girls who have great relationships with food and are all round fabulous (although I would say that). Be proud of having made the right decision for you and your family.

I never breast fed both my boys both ff fed there 20 and 2 strapping lads nothing wrong with them both healthy and happy ex wanted me to bf as where he's from its the done thing if mams couldn't they had milk mams wasn't happy i didn't even try and still brings it up when he goes in a one do whats comfortable for you your sister is batshit crazy

Your sister is an arse.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. A fed baby is best. Do not feel an ounce of guilt for feeding your baby.
your sister and mum sound like judgmental cows. I'm just glad you have a supportive husband and aunt that are there for you. Keep doing your best. Thats all you can do.

Agreed. Why would anyone spout such rubbish?

Similar to you, I tried to BF and it never worked so I FF and weaned at 6 months which was the done thing then. And dd was happy and healthy and rarely ill. And now she's 21 and just graduated and no-one remembers or cares. I was more upset about my EMCS than the formula at the time, and even that guilt disappeared after a little while. Enjoy your baby and don't feel bad.

I can remember it being bad, just how ypu describe, somehow I just winced through a couple of horrible shitty weeks and went on the breastfeed for far longer than I thought I would. I nearly gave up again at 8 months.

Having said this, it doesnt mean I just your journey. My nephews were bottlefed and are both bright, lovely boys. You do what's best for you x

Its nobody's business but yours , your baby is thriving ,that's all that matters.
I hated the thought of breastfeeding my 3 so they all got formula and not one atom of guilt from me.
If you want to and can do it that's great but loads of women have problems or like me just don't want to breast feed.
There is enough pressure out there to be the perfect mother but reality is often very different , do what's right for both your baby and yourself.
There will be so many challenges along the way of becoming a parent and speaking from experience i advise you do what makes your life easier and anyone who criticises you can sod off .

judge not just x

Your baby sounds like their thriving and happy, and that is the main thing. Sounds like your sister is being unnecessarily nasty, and what nonsense that formula leads to mental delays. My children, and most their peers, were bottle fed. You wouldn't tell the difference between bottle fed or breast fed children. Formula has all the added nutrients and vitamins they need. Neither of my children are mentally delayed infact they were often ahead of their milestones and are doing great academically and in every other way . Sounds like you did everything you could to continue to BF, but at the end of the day fed is best.

Your sister and mum are really horrible discussing you behind your back and your sister even more so for saying what she did to you. They are misinformed and you're doing an amazing job. Tell her to put on her CV that she was breastfed 😂

Breast is best but best is fed.
Not everyone can or wants to BF. Personally I think if baby is happy and thriving then great job.
I feel there are a lot of BF policeing, self satisfied 'experts' out there.
In the 70's (Edinburgh) my daughter was fed on Coronation tinned milk ! As told to do by the maternity hospital.
She does have lovely skin I must say. 😃