How to get over formula guilt?

[Betnee]

This will probably be quite long.

Me and my husband have a baby boy 'TJ' who is just over 2 months. He is our first and only child at this time.

I had nothing against those who formula-fed their children, but I wanted to breastfeed as I wanted to experience it as I have only known women who breastfed. From the moment I gave birth to him it was a struggle to breastfeed (for me and him). I had to ask for help several times in the hospital as we were struggling to feed. They kept telling me it would get easier, but it never did.

I attended lactation classes and spoke with HV (Health Visitors) about how it was difficult and I tried different feeling positions cradle, football, side-lying, and laid-back nursing with others helping me get into position, but it made no difference. It was mentally and physically painful for me and I felt like TJ was suffering as a result, which I hated feeling.

One HV suggested expressing and I tried 2 different machines. They suggested giving him what I could get from me and top it up with formula afterwards, which I tried, but I couldn't even get to 30mls and I was trying day and night. Massaging did nothing to help me.

We thought stress might be the cause, so my husband tried to relieve any stress like childcare and household care (my husband helped me before all of this and is a equal partner), so I could relax and focus on expressing, but it didn't work.

My nipples were becoming so sore/cracked and I don't know how many nights I spent crying due to the pain and the feeling of failure as a mum. It felt like I was trying for hours every time with no success. Because of how I was feeling, we made the decision to stick with just formula and since then TJ seemed to be thriving.

My doctor, HV and midwife have said he is growing nicely. I have had some people I know and strangers compliment on his weight (saying he looks well-fed and healthy), how alert he is, how good he is at tummy time and how well he looks at people's faces, which made me feel good because I thought we were doing a good job and honestly I thought I was getting over not breastfeeding as he seemed to be doing well.

I attended my dad's birthday party the other day (him and my mum are divorced, so it was just my dad's family, me and my sister and his grandchildren who were there). My sister is older and has 4 children who she breastfed. TJ was getting hungry so my husband went and fed him his bottle. My sister said that her and our mum were talking the other day and don't understand why I'm formula feeding (I had told them about the struggles I was having previously) as my son was going to have so many problems as he gets older because he won't get the nutrients and he'll most likely be mentally delayed in things. She said how she breastfed all her children and I couldn't even feed one and our mum breastfed 2 children with no problems. She also said how it was natural and that she didn't need to use a pump to get milk out.

I was getting upset so I went to the bathroom. I had bumped into my aunt (my dad's sister) and she asked what was wrong. I didn't say anything at first, but she was persistent and I eventually told her as I was getting more upset.She was p*d and said not to listen to my sister as she likes to cause trouble (a bit of a s*t stirrer). My husband had messaged me during this time and asked where I was and I replied that I was with my aunt and I would rejoin him soon. After I was calmer, me and my aunt rejoined the party. Me, my husband and TJ left not too long after. When we got home he asked what happened and I explained what my sister had said. He was furious and wanted to say something to her and my mum, but I told him not to as I didn't have the energy for it.

I just keep feeling guilty about formula feeding and although my husband keeps reassuring me that TJ is well and doing great, I just can't move on. He has also mentioned how although my sister breastfed her children, they are not the healthiest and always catching cold, stomach bugs etc and have weak immune systems as it is, so she isn't one to judge.

The thing is I know my sister is right. Breast milk is better and I should be giving him that, but I just can't physically do it and I don't know how to get rid of this guilt.

I was recommended this book and it helped me both get some perspective on my in feelings, but also understand why other family members were so unsupportive and insensitive at times https://professoramybrown.co.uk/breastfeeding-grief

I do think there is a little over-emphasis on the "lack of support" element, in the book. Like you I did have access to advice and guidance, and it got to the point where an expert lactation consultant pointed out I was never going to make enough milk. A friend who is an infant feeding specialist midwife tells me i should have been referred to her team before the birth due to the risk factors I have. (And then perhaps my daughter wouldn't have ended up in NICU severely dehydrated when she was 5 days old). Some of us have to use formula. You and your baby will be fine, and these feeling will pass.

Your sister is ignorant in a professional and personal point of view I work in maternity and part of my job role is breastfeeding support we will try every trick in the book to help but sometimes it doesn’t happen and your mental wellbeing is more important a breast-fed baby isn’t best a well fed baby is best ! I am also a mum of three my first two children I could not breastfeed I was devastated but my third it happened as I said sometimes it doesn’t happen and that’s ok may I mention that my child that was breastfed has autism so for your sister making her point that breast fed babies are less likely to be delayed or less sick is rubbish. I say it all the time in my work environment there is so much pressure to breastfeed and do everything you feel you should that it ultimately ends up at the detriment of your own emotional health your baby is happy and gaining weight and thriving bottle or boob there is no wrong choice keep kicking ass mumma your rocking it ❤️

I hate how this ‘breast is best’ mantra makes women who can’t breastfeed feel. The toll it takes on the mental health of women totally undermines the promotion of well-being and health for both mother and child. It’s also completely unnecessary in the western world where food, nourishment and clean water are plentiful and accessible.

Ultimately your child will be getting the nutrients and goodness he needs to thrive and build his immune system. If anything formula is probably more standardised and well rounded. If breast milk were so vastly superior and significant you’d be able to look at a playground of children and spot who was breastfed and who wasn’t. Can you ever? No. The evidence for the benefits are minuscule when analysed over the huge numbers of a population.

Please be reassured that the fact that you tried so hard, and eventually went for something that ensured the family progressed, and his thriving is paramount for both you and your DH is fantastic. Your child needs feeding, loving and attention and he is getting all of that and more. Ignore the ill informed bitching. Stop punishing yourself, hold your head high and enjoy your little boy! 💐

I just wanted to say you’re doing great and don’t worry. Your baby is thriving and that’s the main thing. But also consider getting your thyroid checked with a blood test - mine packed in around this time and it dried up my breast milk. My supply came back with thyroxine. Might not be the cause for you but other countries routinely check this post partum and it is supposed to affect 10% of women or something.

Being breastfed clearly didnt stop her being a bitch.

sorry you struggled so much. Fed is best and dont let anyone tell you different!

Your sister is a twat. She is also lucky that it worked for her, every baby is different.

With DC1 I was desperate to breastfeed, I did everything I could. But she was hungry and crying constantly, and on and off the breast whenever I fed her. After about 2 weeks I started pumping and began a torturous routine of “mixed feeding” where she basically had a mixture of formula and whatever I had managed to pump. I really wish someone had told me to stop right then as the pumping was miserable and I was so sleep deprived. I finally stopped when the pump broke when she was 5 months old! I remember breaking down in tears in the formula aisle in the supermarket, I literally felt like I was giving her poison. That’s pregnancy hormones for you!

DC2 took to breastfeeding like a duck to water. I could feed her anywhere and everywhere. She refused a bottle and a dummy, and I ended up breastfeeding her til she was 3 and a half!

Now they are teenagers- there is literally NO difference! Neither is more sickly, neither is more intelligent, you would never know which one was EBF.

Enjoy your beautiful baby and please don’t torture yourself. You are a brilliant mum 💐

Your sister seriously needs to pipe the fuck down! I tried breast feeding my first son and I fucking hated it, constantly having those god damn breast pumps stuck to me, never knowing how much he was getting and him constantly wanting to feed was honestly ruining my first experiences of motherhood so I sacked it off after a couple of months, he’s now 20 months old and absolutely thriving, a big lovely, bright, hilarious wonderful little
boy whose never really been poorly and he’s a very sturdy strong little lad lol. I bonded with him so much easier when I stopped because all the negative associations to feeding went away. With my second I went straight to formula feeding because I didn’t want all my time to be taken away from my toddler and she’s doing bloody well as well. I recently had a funny moment with my aunt and the conversation went like this:
Aunt - ah are you breastfeeding then I assume
Me - no
Aunt - oh no why not
Me - confused expression because I don’t want to

She really didn’t know what to say to that and I was so bloody glad that I felt empowered enough to not have to justify myself, honestly it’s a relief to just own it!

Op I had a very premature baby. And I pumped for months while he was fed through a tube in NICU. I couldn’t produce enough milk.
The senior pead‘s doctor talked to me at the time because I was upset that I couldn’t produce enough milk through pumping or breastfeed him. His feedback was that once the first 4 weeks have passed and the gut is fully lined the benefits of breast milk start to decline rapidly. Formula can be a better choice for a growing baby in some cases because they need to grow quickly and breast can be difficult to gauge volume etc. So as hard as it was to accept, I was not producing enough milk and my baby was healthier on formula.
The Dr also told me that if he lined up 10 five year olds I would not be able to tell which ones were formula, breast or combination fed. Same is true as they get older. Fed is best.
Don’t let your sister upset you, she is ill informed and emotionally cruel.
Cuddle your baby, spend skin to skin time when feeding, my experience is that babies need contact more than anything else including breast milk.

Sorry OP but my jaw dropped when she said that your son would be mentally delayed!!! Did she really say that wtf! I would have slapped her there and then. As a mum who has a son (22) who is to quote your ‘lovely’ ( I use that term loosely) sister mentally delayed (autistic).
what a complete and utter bitch. Both my kids the youngest is 21 were both formula fed straight away and like another poster said dad was brilliant with the night feeding.
ignore your sister, fed babies are happy babies your doing great.

Tell your sister to fuck off.
I had similar issues with feeding, my baby even dehydrated. If it wasn't for formula she wouldn't have survived. She's now in top sets at high school for everything. Your sister is stupid.
Stay strong OP, you and your baby will be fine.

I write as someone who was an NCT breastfeeding counsellor for thirteen years in the 80s and early 90s and helped many women through early breastfeeding problems. Some women take to it like the proverbial duck to water. Some never get on with it (my daughter hated it and gave up after a couple of months) and some never really get it going. I observed no noticeable difference in the outcome of any of the children I saw later. Your sister is wrong. Your baby will not be mentally delayed in any way. He did have some breast milk at the time when some (though not all) research suggests it was most important to him in any case, as your doctor pointed out. Fed is best. Happy and comfortable mother is best. Happy, fed and contented baby is best.

I hope my comment helps you.

I formula fed my firstborn from birth - they didn't even get any colostrum.

They were an incredibly healthy baby and are now two and have only ever had a mild cold. All my friends with breastfed kids have been ill more often.

My DC is incredibly advanced - they hit their milestones ahead of all my friends breastfed babies. Said first word at just seven months, could count and add age 1, has started to spell out and read words age 2, which I'm baffled by - it's way ahead of expected.

My second DC is breastfed and so far she's taking slightly longer to hit her milestones than my formula fed firstborn.

If you look at sibling studies there's actually very little benefit to breastmilk long term (it gives a temporary immunity boost for very young babies, is the main thing).

Do read Emily Oster's analysis on breastmilk v formula, it'll make you feel better.

Sorry your mum and sister were so judgmental! X

I had my daughter very early and she had donor milk for a few weeks as I could only produce a few ML a day. While she was under 35 weeks, I was encouraged to give her what ever ML I could while they used formula.

If formula was so bad, they would try to keep using donor milk but they don’t.

Your sister is being very mean and I’d give her a wide berth

i breastfed all 3 of mine and was one of the lucky ones that it just came easily too, much like your sister. It’s very hard for me to imagine how it could be difficult, because it was so easy for me. Literally put ds on the boob soon as he was born, he latched and that was it. I’m not saying it’s wasn’t difficult for you, just that when you have no frame of reference for why it’s so hard it’s hard to comprehend.

most of the health benefits to breastfeeding come from the colostrum which is the first couple days anyway which your son would have had. After that it is very minor. So I wouldn’t worry.

i think the biggest benefits are convenience not having to make and sterilise bottles and financial, not having to buy formula.

I struggled with breast feeding and so breast-fed my first for 3 months and my second for 3 days. I felt terrible and a failure at the time. But honestly my children are now 10 and 7 and both perfectly healthy and my youngest who was only breast fed during the first 3 days is never ill!! Reality is that you literally can tell no difference between breastfed and formula fed children. Don't feel bad!

Let your awful sister know that my son was exclusively bottle(formula fed) from day two - and he's projected 11 A*s at GCSE.

I rest my case.

This is exactly what I would have said as well Your sister appears to be mentally delayed.

My two are 25 and 17. The 25 year old has a first class honours in a Stem subject. The 17 year old has a string of 9s in GCSES. We know plenty of less academically strong children who were bf. Trying to link academic achievement to feeding is ridiculous. More professional women bf - and are more focused on educational achievement. I cannot see how it is possible to disentangle the mode of feeding from other significant factors behind achievement.

I felt a lot of guilt and anger at how bf failed - DS1 just refused and screamed his head off when we tried. I have long ago left that behind though, and I hope the comments on this thread will help to reassure you. What you need to do now is learn some smart responses to your sister in case she repeats these appalling comments.

Your sister is an arsehole. I totally understand the guilt and upset BUT your body didn’t allow you to do what you wanted. Your child is well nourished and fed and your mental heath will be better! Please drop the guilt, this country is the worst at pushing breastfeeding at a huge cost to women’s mental health when they can’t do it. You are doing your absolute best for your boy and you are an amazing mum

Your sister is a bitch. I struggled to feed but the guilt kept me going until he was 6 months. It nearly killed me as I didn’t sleep longer than an hour and a half. He just wasn’t getting enough so fed all the time. I wish I’d have moved onto bottles earlier like you did. Having a looked after mum is just as important as a baby. Your sister doesn’t know what she’s talking about and I would go low contact with her. How horrendous of her.

Firstly, give yourself time to grief. Breastfeeding grief (and trauma) is a thing. I went through it myself 😢 Looking back as I was let down by the lack of support for BF and didn't realise how upset I would be one I stopped ( seriously painful for me too).

Your feeling of grief will get better, mine did when my baby was out of the age most mums stopped breast feeding. I found my self going to classes for older children as seeing mums breastfeed their babies was so upsetting him me.

There is a book called Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matter ( avoid the first chapter), but it does highlight how it is a real thing.

Also maybe avoid your sister for now. This isn't the time for you to be around comments like that. It is difficult enough with your own thoughts and seeing other mums / adverts etc.

Take care of yourself, it will get better he time, particularly when he gets older and there is going on e.g. he starts crawling, starts taking solids. Try and focus on the other highlights he brings. You did your best x

Ok, your sister is a bitch. Next time she says that formula fed children will grow up mentally disabled (or whatever), just reply “oh, I didn’t realise mum formula fed you, but that would explain a lot”.

Not all women are able to breastfeed their children for all sorts of reasons. There’s no shame in it. And unless you’re living in the third world, or not educated enough to understand nutrition, it’s not going to make any significant difference to your child.

Thank you all for the lovely comments. I've been trying to read through them all and trying to answer some questions.

I had a vaginal birth. He was checked when we were at hospital for tongue tie because of the struggles we were having, but they said he didn't have it. We did ask for another opinion not too long after we came back home and they also reassured us that he didn't have it. As far as they could tell, there is no problem with TJ's mouth to worry about anything.

When I was breastfeeding him, TJ looked miserable and looked like he hated every moment of it. There were times I thought I could see tears in his eyes, which did upset me. I also swore he hated me because he looked angry when I tried feeding him. My husband would reassure me that TJ didn't hate me (he wouldn't even know what hate was at this age). When we did go with formula, TJ looked so relieved and happy and had a content look when he would finish a bottle.

We have had our 6-8 checks. The doctor asked how we were doing, are we getting enough sleep and other questions and when I mentioned he was on formula, she didn't comment on it, but did write it down for the records. I did explain to her about why he was on formula and she replied that it was OK and as long as it was the right one for him because some babies can't have some due to allergies and we follow the instructions and he's gaining weight then it's fine. She did check his weight, height, body etc and said everything was good and he is growing the way he should be for a baby his age.

I am trying to feel better about the situation and accepting how things turned out. It has been difficult whenever I see a mum breastfeeding, so I try and distract myself with TJ.

The comments about my sister have made me and my husband chuckle. We have had some issues with her and my mum since then and will be going NC with the both of them. Family members including my aunt and Dad won't be talking to my sister. They don't speak to mum anyway, so that hasn't changed.

Thank you for the book suggestions. I will try and give it a read when I can.

I'm just trying to focus on the positive sides for TJ.

Oh OP I feel you. I couldn’t bf my son either but he is now 10month old and a super happy boy don’t listen to her at all you need to do what’s best for you and your baby. You have the best bit to come! The weaning….. 😊

A friend of mine FF her first and BF her second. They are almost adults now and the FF baby has a much better immune system.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I was in a similar situation 5 (nearly 6) years ago, right down to the massive feeling of guilt and the constant judgement (you'll find that everyone has an opinion on everything you do as a parent that they disapprove of- often without any understanding of why a decision was made...and also some people are just dicks.).

I would have loved to breastfeed, but it didn't happen. I spent a LOT of money, tried everything and sacrificed my mental health before realising it wasn't going to work for either my child or I as the milk just wasn't there.

Here are a few things I learnt that may be of help:

1. Breastfeeding is not a religion. Fed is best. My GP used to remind me that.
2. Formula feeding is not an easy option- and don't let anyone tell you it is. In addition to the guilt you feel about not breastfeeding, it's expensive, complicated and confusing (noone shows you how to make a bottle!). The challenges are different to breastfeeding, but still exist, and being kind to yourself helps.
3. You have looked at the evidence you have and made the best decision you could to feed our child based on it. If you have looked at the evidence and made the best choice based on what you know, you are doing a great job, and it's a skill you will use throughout your time as a parent. Anyone commenting on that choice that is a dick. I used to ask them why they wanted my child to starve, which shut them up quickly.
4. A child needs healthy parents more than it needs any particular feeding method. Your health- including your mental health- matters.
5. When your child is 5, will you look around the playground and be concerned about who was breastfed, and who was on formula? I very much doubt it (I certainly don't and DD is 5!). This has always been the source of most comfort for me.