How to get over formula guilt?

[Betnee]

This will probably be quite long.

Me and my husband have a baby boy 'TJ' who is just over 2 months. He is our first and only child at this time.

I had nothing against those who formula-fed their children, but I wanted to breastfeed as I wanted to experience it as I have only known women who breastfed. From the moment I gave birth to him it was a struggle to breastfeed (for me and him). I had to ask for help several times in the hospital as we were struggling to feed. They kept telling me it would get easier, but it never did.

I attended lactation classes and spoke with HV (Health Visitors) about how it was difficult and I tried different feeling positions cradle, football, side-lying, and laid-back nursing with others helping me get into position, but it made no difference. It was mentally and physically painful for me and I felt like TJ was suffering as a result, which I hated feeling.

One HV suggested expressing and I tried 2 different machines. They suggested giving him what I could get from me and top it up with formula afterwards, which I tried, but I couldn't even get to 30mls and I was trying day and night. Massaging did nothing to help me.

We thought stress might be the cause, so my husband tried to relieve any stress like childcare and household care (my husband helped me before all of this and is a equal partner), so I could relax and focus on expressing, but it didn't work.

My nipples were becoming so sore/cracked and I don't know how many nights I spent crying due to the pain and the feeling of failure as a mum. It felt like I was trying for hours every time with no success. Because of how I was feeling, we made the decision to stick with just formula and since then TJ seemed to be thriving.

My doctor, HV and midwife have said he is growing nicely. I have had some people I know and strangers compliment on his weight (saying he looks well-fed and healthy), how alert he is, how good he is at tummy time and how well he looks at people's faces, which made me feel good because I thought we were doing a good job and honestly I thought I was getting over not breastfeeding as he seemed to be doing well.

I attended my dad's birthday party the other day (him and my mum are divorced, so it was just my dad's family, me and my sister and his grandchildren who were there). My sister is older and has 4 children who she breastfed. TJ was getting hungry so my husband went and fed him his bottle. My sister said that her and our mum were talking the other day and don't understand why I'm formula feeding (I had told them about the struggles I was having previously) as my son was going to have so many problems as he gets older because he won't get the nutrients and he'll most likely be mentally delayed in things. She said how she breastfed all her children and I couldn't even feed one and our mum breastfed 2 children with no problems. She also said how it was natural and that she didn't need to use a pump to get milk out.

I was getting upset so I went to the bathroom. I had bumped into my aunt (my dad's sister) and she asked what was wrong. I didn't say anything at first, but she was persistent and I eventually told her as I was getting more upset.She was p*d and said not to listen to my sister as she likes to cause trouble (a bit of a s*t stirrer). My husband had messaged me during this time and asked where I was and I replied that I was with my aunt and I would rejoin him soon. After I was calmer, me and my aunt rejoined the party. Me, my husband and TJ left not too long after. When we got home he asked what happened and I explained what my sister had said. He was furious and wanted to say something to her and my mum, but I told him not to as I didn't have the energy for it.

I just keep feeling guilty about formula feeding and although my husband keeps reassuring me that TJ is well and doing great, I just can't move on. He has also mentioned how although my sister breastfed her children, they are not the healthiest and always catching cold, stomach bugs etc and have weak immune systems as it is, so she isn't one to judge.

The thing is I know my sister is right. Breast milk is better and I should be giving him that, but I just can't physically do it and I don't know how to get rid of this guilt.

Weaning is hilarious, and another area where the judgement is real.

DH wanted to puree feed (cue lots of judgement) as it was the start of lockdown and the medical back up for any issues wouldn't be there. However, DD had her own ideas on how to do it and started to just steal food from our plates when she was ready (handy during the lockdown food shortages!)

She still hates soups and purees, years on. 😂

😂love this!!! Mine sits there staring at you until you give him some food!

This! I CHOSE not to breastfeed! Just wasn’t for me, but nothing against it. FED IS BEST. For context I have a very happy and thriving 3year old, our bond is great, and she just told me I’m her best friend - which I’m sure has nothing to do with the fact I said we’d go to the seaside today 🤣
please don’t feel guilty OP or let anyone else make you feel guilty. It’s 2025 not the 1800’s.
sending much love xxx

Your sister is a self righteous dickhead. My great grandmothers second child died of starvation due to a lack of breast milk and money (husband died when she was pregnant, no welfare at all). You’re doing very well, be strong, your baby will thrive with your love and nourishment. The stats cannot separate cause and correlation and it’s most likely that more better educated and more wealthy women breastfeed so the babies that are breastfed also get better food, more reading etc. You’ll do it all. Well done for making th e right choice and not selfishly insisting on breast feeding when he was hungry.

Don't feel guilty, I'm surprised (but also not) that people are made to still feel this way about being unable to feed. My first was born in 2010, I felt pressure from the HV to feed and she just kept saying that I wasn't doing it right. He would seem to only feed for a short while and then cry, and she told me not to try formula. When I tried expressing, I was getting pretty much only drops out, nowhere near enough for a feed, but I tried pretty much constantly to feed. It was so painful as he sucked that I would bite on something to focus the pain away, and I would get a depression wash over me as he was feeding. After three weeks I gave up and switched to formula. The HV then did tell me that she'd looked into a drug I'm on, and it inhibits lactation, hence I couldn't produce much. While I was pregnant with my second, I researched it more and found the manufacturers say you should not breastfeed while taking it as it passes through to the child's liver and can cause problems, so I refused completely with DD. When I think about it, I feel guilty for letting my DS go hungry for so long, because everyone else insisted if he was feeding from my breast that was enough

I’m so sorry. Your Sister is a sanctimonious idiot that is using your genuine struggles as a p*ssing contest. Breastfeeding is so hard. I work in the realm of pregnancy and child health and found it hugely challenging. I ended up expressing for 6 months which absolutely ruined my mental health. All because I felt guilty. I wish I hadn’t.

A lot of the evidence surrounding breastmilk is correlational rather than causal.

T.J sounds like he’s thriving and is happy and that’s the main thing. Please try not to feel guilty, there’s no need

This makes me so cross. My 3 were all breastfed, I found it easy but I didn’t expect to as my mother never had enough milk and we were all bottle fed. If anyone ever asks my opinion, I would advocate have a go at breast feeding but ultimately’fed is best’! You absolutely did your best. It didn’t work for you. Your baby is happy and thriving on the bottle. You’re doing great. Your sister is a bitch.

I really beat myself up when I couldn't breastfeed my first. I concocted an elaborate list of reasons as to why it didnt work to give to anyone who asked how I was feeding to alleviate my guilt. A really lovely health visitor stopped me halfway through my speech to say it was okay, I didn't need to explain, my baby was happy, healthy and growing.
I tried again with my second but it didn't happen. Both were bottle fed and my husband was delighted to be able to bond with them in that way.

They are both now 8 and 4 and it's so irrelevant how they were fed in the those early days. Don't beat yourself up, or let anyone else's judgement impact on your time with your child. You're doing the best you can and the most important thing is that you enjoy the time with your baby, it goes so fast and these worries will be long forgotten.

I feel your pain - I was you 18 years ago, but without the toxic family as they were not in the picture. I shed tears and felt like a dreadful mother. However the HV encouraged me to use formula as my DS was not putting on weight.

I now have a strapping 18 year, about to go off to Uni with no health worries at all. It hurt at the time not being able to breastfeed but now looking back with hindsight, my husband was able to help feed DS, the stress came off me and I have a very healthy 18 year old.

The upshot is do not worry. Everyone has a different experience, and in the end you must do what is right for you and your child.

I would ditch the toxic family though.

A happy fed thriving baby is best.

I trued so hard to breast feed that my first baby nearly ended up in hospital. I was so sad and felt like a failure. I wasn't giving them the best start in life etc...

And then they start weaning.....then they toddle off to school... And you can't spot which child was breast fed, which was formula etc... don't use up emotions on this, it's not worth it.

You might not be breast feeding but you are loving and caring for your child and you probably have a very happy little one. You are not a lesser mummy - you are mummy doing what is needed for your child. Enjoy your baby.

Your sister will face other struggles in parenting.... no one is the perfect parent.

You do you and let your sister do her. She offered an opinion that was not asked for. I bottle fed all mine - the thought of breast feeding gives me the ick for me - I have no issues with anyone else. People are to quick these days with their opinions. Tell your sister that here opinions are none of your business and to keep her opinions to herself. TJ sound like a healthy , very much loved little boy and his daddy is so lucky that he can help you in feeding him. To add:- my daughter breast fed her last baby, she tried for weeks egged on by the HV. Eventually the HV sent her to the hospital to see a midwife, who called in a consultant, the baby had lost nearly 2 pounds in weight 'you are starving her' said the consultant, buy formula now. (She had an infection from her c section which caused he milk to be basically useless). After that she thrived. So no, breast feeding is not always best.

@Betnee I have had a similar breastfeeding experience to you and hate using formula. It's really shit, isn't it? Nobody told me in 10 months of pregnancy that I might not be able to breastfeed. They told it would be tiring and they told me my nipples might hurt.

Using formula is awful. I resent preparing it, how I never know if baby is getting too much or not enough, how much it costs, how many unpronounceable things are in it...everything. And I want to believe that fed is best.

Your sister sounds awful. Your baby will have some immunity from you from colostrum, and for what it's worth I was breastfeeding and my mum always said I was forever getting ill as a baby.

We do our best. The baby lives to fight another day. We ignore wankers like your sister.

Your sister is nasty and I'd find it hard to speak to her after that. Having said that, and unrelated to her, its okay to be sad if bf didn't work out. Formula babies thrive but you had a plan and it didn't work and its OK to feel a bit sad , although not guilty! When the dust settles, if its still nagging at you you could get a few tests done or work with a lactation specialist to see what happened. I did and it turned out I had a medical condition called IGT which meant my milk ducts didn't form properly and I would never have been able to bf fully. That got rid of any lingering guilt and helped me prepare for number 2. Personally it didn't help me when people said, oh dont be silly, bf is no better etc. I had made a choice to bf and it didnt work and i needed answers. But that was me. You may feel absolutely fine in a few weeks and in that case just enjoy your gorgeous baby.

I had similar breastfeeding guilt with my eldest. I struggled and didn't even get to a month before I stopped - my MIL is even a breast feeding midwife so I had the best support for it.
For my mental health it was vital I stopped to be honest and the midwife I saw when I said I wanted to stop was fully supportive. She was very much ion the page that it is better to have a mum who is healthy (physically and mentally) and a baby that is formula fed and a baby that is breastfed and a mum to is unwell and mentally drained, struggling with feeding.

Your sister is an idiot and comes across as if she is trying to win a competition on who is better. Her 'facts' on breast is bed are entirely wrong (it might be preferred but formula provided everything a baby needs) and a load of crap spouted by people trying to portray they are superior to others in the way they are feeding (not bashing breast feeding as I know some people who formula feed also sprout stupid facts to support that)

Formula is there for a reason - for when mothers like us physically or mentally can not breast feed. Its also ok for mothers to now want to breast feed and to formula feed. No one should be made to feel less than they are because of the method they choose.

Enjoy your baby and step away from your sister - and any person who is negative to the way you chose to feed. They are not you, they do not know your situation as much as you might tell them. They have no opinion.

Sending hugs!

I had the same problems with breastfeeding and no matter what people say, some women just CANNOT. Just like some women can’t conceive.

My lovely health visitor reassured me that ANY breastfeeding at all is SO beneficial to baby, even a few “sips “ in the first weeks for immunity reasons.

Take no notice of those criticising you. My bottle fed son got top grades at GCSEs and A levels and is at a top university.

The fact that you are so invested in your baby… that’s what makes you a great mum.

Your sister is a cow. Fwiw I have three kids, the eldest breastfed like a dream , the younger two were ff as I had issues. The eldest has a myriad of allergies, and the younger two none. The eldest was far more ill and the younger two both outstrip her academically, one by absolute miles. Breastfeeding is hugely overrated in my opinion.

Please don’t say formula is awful - it’s not. It’s amazing. I chose to use formula rather than trying to bf. DC’s have grown up perfect. Healthy baby = happy parents.

Your sister is a narrow minded bitch. You are a great mother with a beautiful healthy baby. You’ve had a bad experience with breast feeding which you now need to put behind you, time for you and your husband to get on and enjoy your baby. Xx

Sorry, I think I expressed this badly. The "it's" I wrote in "it's shit" was the situation, not the formula itself!

What I meant was that it really, really wasn't what I wanted and I resent doing it. I know it's a lifeline for lots of people (and my baby wouldn't be here without it!) but I still hate it. And honestly, I don't judge anyone for choosing to using it. It just wasn't ever something I wanted to do and the decision was taken out of my hands. Breastfeeding grief is real!

Your sister is a complete and utter bitch. What a dreadful thing to say to a new mum struggling to breastfeed. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. You tried it wasn’t right for you and TJ so you did what any parent would do. You fed your baby!

I wanted to breastfeed but after a traumatic emergency c-section my milk just never ever came in. I pumped and squeezed and tried and cried!! But it wasn’t meant to be. I fed my baby formula otherwise she’d have starved! And you know what? My baby was the healthiest in our group. Never caught anything at nursery. Kids could be dropping all around her with sickness but she was always fine.

TJ is growing perfectly. He’ll be absolutely fine being formula fed. Don’t feel guilty you’re doing an amazing job.

It is real, tough and lonely at times. It definitely isn't the easy option that people tell you, but you can bond with your child whilst bottle feeding. It's a lot of work with the drudgery of cleaning/sterilising, always monitoring supplies/intake, measuring...and the cost too. DD was initially on a formula that was £15 at the time (now more like £20) and we got through a tub every 4 days.

It wasn't my choice either, and I found counselling helpful to move on from that feeling (I felt broken- why could others do it, and not me? I had no milk, and pushing things on me just gave me, and my child, a strong aversion to trying to start, as suggested by some).

I went through a stage of resenting it- particularly when trying to get hold of formula during the COVID shortages (I used to find myself getting annoyed at any wastage as it was like gold dust, before having to remind myself it was normal). I also had a lot of anger about it when I realised the impact it had on sleep- having to get up and do a bottle is so much harder than placing in a boob (hurrah for perfect prep.for making things easier)

I have a longer perspective on this now as DD will be 6 in a few weeks. I was often the only one at baby groups bottle feeding during the early days, and had a lot.of questions and judgement from people. However, by a few months in a lot of people were starting to give up it combo feed for various reasons- medical (either mother or child), social or just to share the load more. At 6 months, noone even bothered talking about anything but weaning in terms of feeding (BLW, purees, combo...).

This judgement period is a very small period of time, when everyone wants to believe they are doing the best for their child and doesn't really have much of a clue what is going on (babies are difficult.) If you have taken the evidence you have and made a decision based on that, then you are doing the best for your child and your family.

One thing I will say is thay parents are naturally competitive in many ways as they want to know that their child is thriving (I see it even now with school reports). Every set of decisions are going to be difficult in different ways, so it's worth starting to try to develop resilience and confidence early on as it will serve you well.

Sorry. That was somewhat meandering.

This period too shall pass.

I just wanted to say, I hear you so much in this. I also went through the guilt, in my case, I could produce milk, but my mental health was falling apart. I was an oversupplier, which sounds like a blessing but was actually awful, constant pain, leaking, and I ended up hospitalised twice with mastitis.

At 6 weeks, I stopped breastfeeding because I couldn’t cope anymore. I felt exactly the same guilt you’re describing, but breastfeeding is a journey for both of you, and you absolutely tried your hardest. That alone makes you a wonderful mum.

A friend told me something that stuck with me: When was the last time you went for a job interview and they asked if you were breastfed or formula-fed? What about applying for school or university? Never. Because in the real world, being fed and loved matters so much more than whether it came from a breast or a bottle.

And just to share, I was formula fed as a baby. I have a first-class honours degree in a science, with published PhD research, I’m the highest earner out of all my friends, reached the top of my career ladder at 26, I rarely ever get ill, and my health and metabolism are great. None of that was held back by how I was fed as a baby.

You gave your son the very best start you could, and now you’re giving him something even more important, a happy, healthy, present mum. That is priceless.

You're sister is a bee-yatch.

Clearly breastmilk was not what was best for him. Formula is.

I went through something similar with my kids. Baby 1 hurt to breastfeed till the day I stopped and she was mixed fed most of the time. Baby 2 latched on like an angel and never had an issue. Every baby is different.

When I gave birth to my first I was hell bent on breastfeeding and she just wouldn't latch and it hurt like a bitch. One night in the hospital she screamed the entire night and by the next morning the midwife caught me sobbing away. She sat me down and told me "all that's going to happen if you formula feed, is your baby is going to be well fed and you're going to get some sleep" and 4 years later she's alive and well and thriving and exceptionally smart and rarely ever gets ill.

Stand up to your sister and tell her to get off her high damn horse.