How to get over formula guilt?

[Betnee]

This will probably be quite long.

Me and my husband have a baby boy 'TJ' who is just over 2 months. He is our first and only child at this time.

I had nothing against those who formula-fed their children, but I wanted to breastfeed as I wanted to experience it as I have only known women who breastfed. From the moment I gave birth to him it was a struggle to breastfeed (for me and him). I had to ask for help several times in the hospital as we were struggling to feed. They kept telling me it would get easier, but it never did.

I attended lactation classes and spoke with HV (Health Visitors) about how it was difficult and I tried different feeling positions cradle, football, side-lying, and laid-back nursing with others helping me get into position, but it made no difference. It was mentally and physically painful for me and I felt like TJ was suffering as a result, which I hated feeling.

One HV suggested expressing and I tried 2 different machines. They suggested giving him what I could get from me and top it up with formula afterwards, which I tried, but I couldn't even get to 30mls and I was trying day and night. Massaging did nothing to help me.

We thought stress might be the cause, so my husband tried to relieve any stress like childcare and household care (my husband helped me before all of this and is a equal partner), so I could relax and focus on expressing, but it didn't work.

My nipples were becoming so sore/cracked and I don't know how many nights I spent crying due to the pain and the feeling of failure as a mum. It felt like I was trying for hours every time with no success. Because of how I was feeling, we made the decision to stick with just formula and since then TJ seemed to be thriving.

My doctor, HV and midwife have said he is growing nicely. I have had some people I know and strangers compliment on his weight (saying he looks well-fed and healthy), how alert he is, how good he is at tummy time and how well he looks at people's faces, which made me feel good because I thought we were doing a good job and honestly I thought I was getting over not breastfeeding as he seemed to be doing well.

I attended my dad's birthday party the other day (him and my mum are divorced, so it was just my dad's family, me and my sister and his grandchildren who were there). My sister is older and has 4 children who she breastfed. TJ was getting hungry so my husband went and fed him his bottle. My sister said that her and our mum were talking the other day and don't understand why I'm formula feeding (I had told them about the struggles I was having previously) as my son was going to have so many problems as he gets older because he won't get the nutrients and he'll most likely be mentally delayed in things. She said how she breastfed all her children and I couldn't even feed one and our mum breastfed 2 children with no problems. She also said how it was natural and that she didn't need to use a pump to get milk out.

I was getting upset so I went to the bathroom. I had bumped into my aunt (my dad's sister) and she asked what was wrong. I didn't say anything at first, but she was persistent and I eventually told her as I was getting more upset.She was p*d and said not to listen to my sister as she likes to cause trouble (a bit of a s*t stirrer). My husband had messaged me during this time and asked where I was and I replied that I was with my aunt and I would rejoin him soon. After I was calmer, me and my aunt rejoined the party. Me, my husband and TJ left not too long after. When we got home he asked what happened and I explained what my sister had said. He was furious and wanted to say something to her and my mum, but I told him not to as I didn't have the energy for it.

I just keep feeling guilty about formula feeding and although my husband keeps reassuring me that TJ is well and doing great, I just can't move on. He has also mentioned how although my sister breastfed her children, they are not the healthiest and always catching cold, stomach bugs etc and have weak immune systems as it is, so she isn't one to judge.

The thing is I know my sister is right. Breast milk is better and I should be giving him that, but I just can't physically do it and I don't know how to get rid of this guilt.

Don't feel guilty over it. You tried your best and there is a narrow window to be able to breastfeed. I did manage it. But it was agony for a week.

I had a c-section and had planned for a water birth. Just as well there is a plan B as I would have died otherwise as I was petite back then and my baby was 8.6lb. Sometimes, things just don't go to plan. Enjoy your baby. He is healthy and that's the important thing.

I felt just the same as you. I felt desperate about it. My dc is now 5, rarely ill and an intelligent, physically-robust, thriving child. My guilt eased as we reached weaning age and the whole ‘ebf’ thing became less relevant. Right now feeding seems huge because it’s one of few things you need to think about. But soon your child will be walking and talking and it will become very evident to you that he is thriving on all that you’ve done for him. He’s lucky to have such a super, caring mummy.

havent read the thread properly but just here to say I had three kids, the eldest who was only breast fed for a couple of months due to pain and other issues then put into formula is the most tall, healthy, athletic, intelligent child of the three. Middle one has health issues, youngest one has asthma and is a super picky eater. I was formula fed and was a much healthier child than my sickly younger brother. My point is I don’t think it makes a blind bit of difference tbh, your mental health as their mother affects them far more

Honestly, look at all the successful, thriving adults who were fed on formula. Enjoy your baby. Don’t get hung up on this.

I honestly don’t get why some people feel so pressured to breast feed. Seriously never bothered me with mine, they are 6 and 7 now and perfectly healthy and happy. Your sister sounds like a nasty piece of work.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, motherhood isn’t easy, in a few years you won’t even think about this honestly. Congratulations enjoy the newborn phase and stop putting pressure on yourself 😊

My first was combi fed till 12 months then I stopped because I was 6 months pregnant. Second breastfed till her third birthday.

My first born is incredibly resilient healthwise, but he has got autism.. could be the vaccines or formula, who knows 🤣 (joking of course!) my second born never touched a bottle or a drop of formula and I can't count the amount of overnight stays and emergency trips to a&e due to her health issues we've had.

It's all genetics imo, breast is perfectly formulated for the baby but formula is perfectly sufficient for a baby. Mum's mental/physical health is equally as important as baby's. Breast isn't best, fed isn't best, INFORMED is best. An informed decision, that suits each family's needs is far better than just picking 1 and making it work regardless.

You're doing the right thing for both of you and should be proud you made that decision after seeking help. You're doing a great job, and I promise in a few years you will sit and think, why on earth was I so bothered by that, likely when they eat some sand at a park or lick a bus window.

Slightly off-topic, but what do you mean by 'weaned at six months'? Totally off milk and onto solids? How?

Sorry if it's a nosy question - I'm so curious about how babies were transitioned to solids in other times(/cultures).

It is better that your baby is fed, by any means , than not fed . Your sister sounds like a horrible judgmental person.
I have three adult children who were totally bottle fed . They are all in good health and have a good immune system and they also are free of any allergies whatsoever.
Please don’t take what your sister said to heart .

I would rather a happy sister and nephew..

Nothing I can say that hasn't already been well said, but feel the need to comment anyway. I also was so sure I would breastfeed, tried and just couldn't get it to work. I felt awful but I had to stop as my mental health was really suffering. I got so worked up about it and having 'failed' my child, especially after one HV's comments.

So I really, really feel for you. It's so emotional isn't it? And it's okay to feel emotional about it.

However, you are NOT failing your child (and your sister is being a cow!). Yes, breast milk is special and breastfeeding is great when it works, but study after study has shown minimal or no difference in medium and long term outcomes. (And if you've feeling vindictive you could point sister towards the studies that show that having more than 1.something-or-other children is worse for their outcomes!!*). Try you're best to let go of the guilt. You are doing amazingly!!

((*Note: I don't actually suggest doing this. Everyone should have the number of children that is right for their family!!))

Hi
I am so sorry to hear that you are having a rubbish time.
I am a Health Visitor. Has TJ been reviewed for a tongue tie?
I always say to the mother's on my caseload, that if breastfeeding is not suitable for you, then don't feel guilty about it. Your own health and mental health are more important.
Please don't listen to your sister, she is not supporting you when you are having a stressful time. Have you had your 6-8 weeks contact with the Health Visitor and your GP?
If you have not had it, please contact them and talk about your moods, I don't want you to become depressed.
Good luck and look after yourself xxxxx

Is your child happy, healthy, thriving?
Was he happy and healthy when you were breastfeeding?

You gave it your best shot, you tried every avenue and then you had the very good sense to start using an almost nutritionally identical alternative that allowed you both to focus on developing and growing together instead of drowning in the daily battle for food.

Your sister is, frankly, being unkind. Bring breastfed doesn't seem to have done much for her long term.

Your sister is a cow.
Look at your happy healthy baby.
With any luck you can play the long game and your little one will get better gcses than hers!

Look, I never managed to breast feed, I've got inverted ripples, had huge breasts full of milk, and it refused to come out. You've got to do what's right for YOU. Nobody has any right to give a opinion until they've been in your shoes. Smile, and walk away from haters! X

Your sister is a bitch.

My Dcs are 15 and 13 and I simply could not BF. I tried with DS1 and my tory is really similar to yours. It got to the point where he would wake up for a feed and i would start sobbing because it scared me so much to 'have to try again'. I mixed fed.

I finally gave up at 6 weeks.

DS2 I did not even try and FF from the start. Dear lord things went better and I was relaxed and happy. So was DS not screaming and hungry all the time.

You know what- after you get past the baby group stage, trust me, no-one gives a flying fuck how you fed your child. No-one asks. No-one cares. And no-one can tell.

And like pps, looking back I am so angry that my early experience with my first child was marred so badly by the pressure to BF.

Really recommend “Breastfeeding Psychology” or BreastfeedingPsychology website for support with breastfeeding grief and trauma. A consultant clinical psychologist specialising in working with bf mums - many of us struggle!

If there's one thing I could change about the early days with mine it would be to be happy with whatever feeding method worked. I got SO hung up about breastfeeding and my supply was low so I got totally obsessed with increasing it when I could have spent that time just enjoying my baby even more.

Breast milk isn't the best if you haven't got enough of it. I didn't breastfeed bur my aoons who are in their 30s never have colds or flu, are heathy, sporty and none the worse because they were bottle fed. Some childrwn juat thrive on what you give them. There's no right or wrong way, just what suits you and your baby. Enjoy and tell the bullies where to go.

Your sister is awful! We all know breast milk is better but it’s absolutely great that we have formula for those who either can’t or do not want to.

Pumping is not a reflection on how much milk you are producing. (Unless exclusively pumping)

On a side note, was he checked for tongue tie? That can cause latching issues.

Breast feeding is easy for some people. But not for others. I would not have continued being in pain. It should be an enjoyable experience.

@Betnee fed is best. I never made enough milk. It was a real struggle and a nightmare. Not every one makes lots of quality milk, some mums could feed the whole street and some can't make enough for one. I had to change to formula because my second was losing too much weight and ended up in Hospital and had to go on formula. You have to do what is best for you and your baby, my now formula fed baby is a healthy 19 year old sporty lad.

Your sister is a twat.

I’m currently watching my 16mo run round the living room, she’s not unhealthy or unhappy. She’s a strong independent funny little girl and perfect sized. (She’s smaller, we’re all small in height so to be expected. But she’s in normal range)

She stopped BF at 10 weeks. She was combi fed and I loved BF, I cried a lot over it. I REALLY felt like a failure when she stopped. But the stress of feeding stopped. I’d seen everyone like you. But they agreed with me that she just wasn’t up for it. She’d do it for a bit, and then refuse point blank. The HV had it in my notes that DD was just not getting on with it. My sister is a BF specialist and recommended sticking with formula because she was feeding well your sister is a dick.

My DC1 and I went through hell for the first 2 months of their life because I was trying so hard (and failing to breastfeed). Once I gave in and let them have formula they thrived. It sounds like you are in a similar position. Go with your gut. If baby is happy and you are happy then absolutely nothing else matters!! Breast is not best if it is at the total expense of a mother’s mental and physical health and a babies ability to physically thrive.

My children are very intelligent and neither were breast fed!

Your sister was really horrible. I didn't bf my first, I just couldn't figure it out at all and like you it was taking its toll on my mental health and my ability to enjoy my new baby as a first time mum. With my second I had masses of support from my sister who was also bfing at the same time and could help me with positions, pumps etc but I stopped at 5 months due to allergies. I had my 3rd and final baby last Monday and I only feed from one side because I struggle with positioning on the right side. I pump on the right feed on the left. Many say it comes naturally but that's not the case for us all. Don't let it eat you up inside. Many people have praised you for how well your baby is doing and how much he's thriving. Well done you!

Think of five unrelated adults you’ve interacted with in the last month. Guess whether they were breastfed or not. Can you do so with any confidence? If you know them well enough, ask them the next time you see them. Check if your guesses were right.

I bet you end up with about a 50% accuracy as there is absolutely no way to tell how an adult was fed as a baby. Although he’s tiny now, your job is really to create a healthy, happy adult, and I don’t think that’s linked to breastfeeding.

FWIW, I’m a Mensa member and award winning in my high paid career, I’m very rarely ill and have no allergies or other health concerns. And I was formula fed.

The guilt is unnecessary.